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Old 09-10-2015, 05:13 PM
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Default DCG Tells My DD

DCG age 4 tells my DD age 3 at least once a week or at least it seems like it. "I don't like you, I don't want to play with you." (Just said this on Tuesday.)
However yesterday, DCG told me that she "I do not want you to have a DD." Then, "I want you to have something else"
Today, she told my DD "nobody likes you"


Normal, I tell he that she is being mean and have her apologize to my DD. My DD never reacts poorly to her comments, she just continues on with what she is doing. DCG will be playing with DD when she says these things.
DCG will say the most random things. She will tell me the oddest facts. Like Iron man can fly but he does not have a cape.

SA DCB (DCG brother) when they started he would say to both DD and/ or DCG "if you don't play with me, I won't be your (best) friend." I had a talk with him about bullying and he stopped.

Should I talk to DCM about this?
Any advice on what to say or do, when she says those things to DD?
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Old 09-10-2015, 07:43 PM
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I would tell her but I would come up with a plan first. DCM probably won't know what to do to curb the behavior. Most parents are winging it and by asking them they will come up with a random response that is counterproductive usually. You are the expert. Guide her. This shows her you are capable and can handle anything her child can throw at her. They want you to be their advice center. I tell her that you have noticed this behavior and that everytime DCG says hurtful things you are talking to her about:

how it makes the other person feel. How she would feel if it was said to her? Ask her if she is tired/ hungry?? Ask why she is saying these things?

And you are trying to be consistent in your response. I would ask her what she thought/ or if she had any solutions? If she says what you said is good then she is taking your advice if not try to incorporate both of your ideas. Tell her you want both of you to do the same both at school and at home os it's consistent for her. If she picks up / drops off the same time as other parents then I would email instead of talking. It may be embarrassing for some parents to talk about behavioral issues in front of other parents. they may feel judged or defensive. i also personally don't like the "we need to talk about X please call me". It sounds so serious and like there is major problem. I like to personally use formal no emotion attached private emails. It also is easier than trying ot talk with disruptive kids running around and neglecting them.
I would really try to figure out why she's lashing out, how to better respond, and to learn empathy for others. How old is she? She probably does not know how best to express herself and how to relate to others empathetically. This is a skill and she needs to be taught.
If your plan that you make together is still not working after trying it for 3-4 weeks (I wouldn't give up too soon, it takes a while to build habbits), I'd tell dcm that you will talk in a month and if not working will strategize for different responses to curb behavior. It is important to fix this behavior because otherwise she will lash out on other kids and learn that being aggressive and mean is ok. Neither you or DCM want that.
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Old 09-11-2015, 04:18 AM
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This is a common, but not fun phase. It's harder to watch when it's your own kid at that end of it. And I would try to nip it in the bud because it is contagious. Pretty soon you have several kids saying things like "I'm not going to be your best friend!" or my absolute favorite "You can't come to my birthday party!"

I think the only thing I would say to dcp's is "We are having a hard time using nice words with our friends, and it's something we are working on"

Last year 4 of my kids were preschool age and I had two 4 yo's. I swear age 4 is the year of the "I won't be your friend!"
So when this issue comes up (and it does with every group of 4 I've ever had...) I make it clear that that talk won't be tolerated. I tell them throughout the day "I do not want to hear anyone saying "I won't be your friend" or whatever phrase is the most popular that day. So there is no confusion about my expectations. I let them know it's okay if they chose to play ALONE, but they can't be mean about it.

I know it's not popular right now, but whenever I heard that last year (when most of my kids were preschool age so imagine what you're having now x 4 ) was to give a TO, immediately with a "we don't talk to our friends that way. Kids who talk mean to their friends SIT!" And then I would have a really cool activity ready to go that Child in TO would get an "oh, I'm sorry, only kids who use nice words with their friends are playing. Maybe next time you can play too" if they complained. That seemed to help better than all the talking. Good Luck!
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