DCG, 4, has been coming for the past 3.5 years. She started crying at dropoff at about 2.5 years of age, and has been on and off throwing fits when her mom leaves almost every time she comes. She always tells me that she misses her mom. Today mom asked me what I thought about it, bc she agrees that she should be getting over it by now. She then emailed me asking me if the child was happy coming here. I'm not sure how to respond.

This child goes through periods where she plays and has fun, to periods of crying for her mom, to periods of sitting back and watching all the other kids play a game, and back to having fun. Everyday is a bit of a roller coaster for this child. We have the same routine every day, and there are plenty of fun toys and other children for this child to play with. I have posted before about this child possibly having aspergers, but she doesnt quite follow the criteria for that. Can children be bipolar? I'm not sure the best way to present this information to mom, without directly coming out and telling her that her child may need a psych eval.

And is a 3 year period of crying at drop off normal?

Reply

I'd say it's a sign that things are different at daycare than they are at home. Maybe the child doesn't like being in social settings? Maybe the child gets her way at home and knows that she won't at daycare?

Reply

Sometimes a child's emotional age is no where near their chronological age.

Maybe search for ways to build her independence and ability to be a big kid.

Reply

I am going to go with no it isn't normal.

I have a slightly similar child (actually, 2) that don't cry but they do fixate on mommy OFTEN throughout their day. As in, stopping their playing and wanting to fixate on when mommy is coming/what mommy is doing/missing mommy. Both of these little girls are different. They also both act slightly autistic but I don't believe are. They are both in front of screens all the time (in the car watching movies, on the ipad, on the iphone, watching tv/movies at home, etc.). Both from different families.

Is your LO "the boss" at home? Is she the boss at your daycare? It may be something along those lines.

Reply

I hate to say something is normal or not since the range is so wide. However in my years of experience that is not normal behavior for a child who has been with you that long. A newer child? Yes. But that seems excessive.

Reply

I get the impression that she is spoiled at home. The mom is always very concerned at every whimper, and I think that dcg definitely plays into the role. There is a difference between respecting your child's feelings and getting played, and I think mom gets played by her more often than not. There have been a few times when dcd dropped of and she was completely fine. I do think it is weird that she gets into these periods of staring at other people throughout the day, and crying for mom. Ive never had a child do that for such a long period of time. Initially, maybe. But after 3.5 years? No.

I have tried having her be my "big helper" with things, but it's such a struggle to have her do anything. I hear a lot of, "I dont want to," from her. She doesn't like her lunch, she doesnt want to play, etc. Any other suggestions to help her out? Any advice I can give to mom without sounding condescending?

Reply

First, I don't know what "normal" is...lol

I'd say something like. "You know I adore DCG. She's so good at x, x, and x. She also has very intense feelings, as you know. I think sometimes she IS really sad, but maybe it's time to work out a plan to help her be more independent about it".

I think she has the right to her feelings, but not necessarily the right to make everyone else miserable because of them.

She needs to learn to "self-soothe". Some socially acceptable way for her to be sad or whatever, without causing a scene.

So, if you can work out a way for you to work together. Short drop offs, maybe a "secret handshake" type thing, and then mom leaves. No feeding the drama.

If she's not ready to join the group because she's crying, then give her a comfortable place to go, and something to hug (a pillow, bear?) and say something like "It's okay to be sad, I understand you miss mom. Why don't you sit here an be comfy until you're ready to play. Then, come get a hug and well have fun!"

I'd do the same thing throughout the day. Sort of a "Crying spot", but NOT presented as a punishment. Just as a tool for her to learn to regulate.

You could try hanging parents pictures in the room, too. That might backfire, though, if she'll fixate.

With mom, you're approaching it like "yes, she has an issue with this, but nothing we can't help her with".

Reply

Every child is different. You might need to sit with the parents and discuss your concerns.

Reply

is she full time or part time?

Reply

After reading that yours ONLY does it for Mom I just realized... I have a child who has been here for 2.5 years now who will put on quite the show for Mom. Mom will feed into it and it keeps going and going. The last time it occurred I told Mom that the child was putting on a show for her (after she had left) and I told the child that I expected them to behave kindly to their Mom during drop-offs. If they weren't going to behave kindly (and we went back and forth talking about WHAT that meant EXACTLY and what it DID NOT mean) then they were going to lose the privilege of ___the child's favorite thing to do here__. This child is around the same age as the one you are talking about. This worked. We do not have these ridiculous drop-offs anymore and all is well.

Oh, and this never happened when Dad dropped off. Totally fine. I would tell Mom that DCG never has any issues when Dad drops off, so perhaps for the time being you should either do the bye bye at the door method or she should be in and out within 30 seconds flat. Otherwise, she is revving up DCG and it makes for a difficult transition to start her day. I honestly wouldn't worry too much about offending her because it is just a fact. I would also have a discussion with DCG as to what the expectations are for her coming in is but NOT insist that Mom do this kind of pep talk. Because, I can almost guarantee that Mom will promise some prizes in the beginning for good behavior (junk food, toys, etc.) and when Mom can no longer give these things or the novelty wears off then the poor DCG will be back to acting a fool since the issue isn't that she CAN'T make good choices at drop off time it is just that she doesn't wish to for attention seeking purposes.

Mine also tried the I don't want to for awhile. I looked him in the eye, and said in a soft/gentle voice with a smile, "We say yes ma'am here. " Any time he said he didn't want to I responded with that. I do that for any child that comes in trying that, because I DO give them choices when there are choices to be given but if I am telling them that it is time to do something and there just isn't a choice to be had then I need them to obey. I love him, I want him to enjoy life, but I also want him to be a productive member of society, a God-fearing Christian, and well adjusted in public settings and this is how I set up my kiddos for success here. If an authority figure expects you to do something reasonable then you need to do it happily.

My DCK is an "attachment parented" child. I wouldn't necessarily say they follow all of the attachment parenting rules but it is what they say they parent like. Yours might be as well.

Reply

3 days per week

Reply

thought so....I had a kid who was with me for 2 years and was part time. the other days of the week he was cared for by gma. the child did exactly what your child is doing.

he could not transition at all....he would mostly play alone and he just wanted to do what he wanted when he wanted because that is what he was used to.

I am a very anual person and I run my program with 100% consistency every day. You would think that this kid would have gotten it, but nope.

every time we did circle time the kid sat there, when it was time to go to the bathroom kid cried for his mom. time to eat, he would say I don't want to eat now I want to _________________, then would scream cry. This kid was 18 months when stared and left me at 3.5 when I told the parents that unless i leave him to do his own thing when he wants to he is fine, but my program does not run that way. We have transitions, we have concrete times we will eat, play, and etc.

this child also had no self help skills at all because all of the adults in his life did it for him, he was cottled to an extreme.
I eventually got sick of the constant crying and pushed them to term.

We tried every trick in the book with doing a calendar at home showing what days they come to school what days they go to g-ma. I had them to bye bye outside, the 5 second drop, NOTHING worked.

The parents were so mad at me when I told them that the child was not happy here and needed a different environment that I could not provide..........

after leaving me they enrolled him into the "ritzy private preschool academy" only to leave 3 months later with the same exact issues....Reason I know this is because they asked to come back. I said the only way I would let the kid come back is if he were full time and the parents agreed to work on my teaching methods.............needless to say he didn't come back.....we were all thankful

Reply

Do you even want to keep this child? If she is getting too demanding, this might be a great time to give mom the out she needs to find a new place. 99% sure that this child will be the same at the next place but it is not your problem then.

Reply

BINGO!!!! I had one like this last year. Whenever DCM asked her to do something, she would yell no and mom would back off and apologized. The fiirst time I asked her to do something and she yelled at me, I sat down in front if her and asked, "Who are you talking to"? in a quiet voice. After about a minute, she said mommy. I told her I'm not mommy so she will not yell at me. That was the only time for that behavior. Her other big issue was food. If she didn't want what was served, she would cry for something else. It took a month for her to figure out that she wasn't getting anything else and that her not eating was not a problem for me. When she realized that there was no attention to get, she got with the program. And like your DCG, she only pulled this with mom.

Reply

Good question. Not sure if I do want to keep her. Dh has been home these past few weeks and thinks she's just super spoiled and indulged at home. At drop off, mom still picks her up, and then physically hands her over to me to hold her. The child is 4. The older sister has been coming over the summer too, and as of this past week has been playing into the whole role of making Mom feel bad and clinging to her at drop off, and then running out the door when mom get here for pick up. She's 7. Today she said to mom, "I just can't take it anymore," and when her mom asked what, she said, "I'll tell you in the car," this child came over here and had so much fun playing all day. It was the perfect summer day for any child, then she acts like something is wrong to her mom. I treat them the exact same as my own children. dcm plays into it totally. Ugh!

Reply

I had a boy that was like that, you never knew what his next moment would be like, happy or sobbing. The center of the group or on the outskirts looking in and almost always crying at drop off. Part of his problem was mom would not get him on a sleep schedule and was up till all hours.

Turned out he was diagnosed when he got to kindergarten as bi-polar. Ran in the family, an uncle and grandfather.

Reply

My first thought was that she must be part-time. For kids who would have a hard time with separating anyway, part-time schedules are extra difficult. I find certain kids can take years for them to settle into a routine when they only come a few days a week. I'd be upfront with the parents about what's happening and suggest full-time either with you or grandma. It might just be enough to have the consistency. And if it turns out it has something to do with how she's treated at home, then you will be the one who has her most, so you will be able to make a big change in her expectations of how the day should go.

Hoping it improves soon for you--the crying is exhausting!

Reply

Have you tried talking to the child about it? I had a similar situation with 3yo boy. After a particularly terrible drop off one morning, I simply sat him down and said nicely, but firmly, "you will NOT be acting like that anymore." We had a good conversation about it. He's been great ever since. Also recently did that with another dcg2.5 after getting some advice from this board!

Reply

I have talked to the child several times. As frustrating as it is, the mom is more frustrating to deal with. She emailed me back again, saying it's hard for her to know what "goes on" at my house, and that dcg tells her she has fun most days. She is implying that there must be an issue with my daycare, since her child still cries when she comes over. It's borderline insulting. It not my job to make sure that princess has fun every second of every day she comes here.

Reply

as I was saying in my post, I had the same exact issue and got sick of having to report the same thing every day...crying, crying and then tantrums all day long.

some kids can do PT, some kids can't.

when their environments are so different they just can't seem to get it. I tried for almost 2 years and then threw in the towel. If the parent is not going to get on board and try to help you fix it, then you need to let them go some where they will be able to proivde "special" all the time to this child.

Not every child is right for your/my environment. It's not our fault

Reply

That makes me angry for you.

I would type up your schedule, detail the things the child enjoys doing there, detail the way you handle discipline, and then I would put it on her ... what do y'all do at YOUR house? What does your child enjoying doing there? How do YOU handle discipline?

Reply