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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Terming Your Own Child?
PolkaTots 05:51 AM 10-08-2011
Has anyone ever enrolled their own child into another provider's or center's program?
I already feel terrible for even considering this, as the opportunity to stay home with my children is what prompted my career path into child care, but I am at my wit's end with my youngest (of 3) children, who will be 4 next month. At home, especially during daycare hours, she is a terror. The hitting, the fighting, the sass, the screaming...somedays it's so bad, I am literally in tears. My other 2 children are not like this, none of my DCKs act like this. The DCPs have got to wonder why I can't control my own child. She has even hit me in front of them before. Time outs are always a struggle for her. If one of the DCKs continually behaved like this, they would be termed. I am at the point now that I am considering closing my daycare at the end of the school year, or enrolling her in a program elsewhere. She participates in preschool now, and oddly enough, is probably the best behaved and most social children in the classroom. The only time she is good is when she is completely by herself and has my undivided attention, but I just don't have a lot of opportunities to provide one-on-one care with her.
I already feel terrible for even considering this, as the opportunity to stay home with my children is what prompted my career path into child care, but I am at my wit's end with my youngest (of 3) children, who will be 4 next month. At home, especially during daycare hours, she is a terror. The hitting, the fighting, the sass, the screaming...somedays it's so bad, I am literally in tears. My other 2 children are not like this, none of my DCKs act like this. The DCPs have got to wonder why I can't control my own child. She has even hit me in front of them before. Time outs are always a struggle for her. If one of the DCKs continually behaved like this, they would be termed. I am at the point now that I am considering closing my daycare at the end of the school year, or enrolling her in a program elsewhere. She participates in preschool now, and oddly enough, is probably the best behaved and most social children in the classroom. The only time she is good is when she is completely by herself and has my undivided attention, but I just don't have a lot of opportunities to provide one-on-one care with her.
SilverSabre25 06:16 AM 10-08-2011
I have one who is going to be 4 at the end of this month (the 26th) and believe me, I know what you're going through! I really think it's partially the age--have you ever heard of the concept of Wonder Weeks? Basically, they are developmental leaps that are preceded by a "fussy phase", then a calmer period where you start seeing new developments. I really, really, REALLY think my DD was just going through one of these fussy phases.
Another suggestion that has been helping me with my daughter is to read the book Playful Parenting. It's wonderful; I really, really like it. Look it up on Amazon or try and get it from your library.
While my DD isn't prone to hitting, we have been dealing with a lot of the same other stuff. It's already easing up a little bit. Maybe the calm in your storm is on its way!!
Oh, and, for my dcps at least--they watch me with my DD and are actually relieved to see that I have the same problems with my own kid that they have with theirs! It makes me seem more human and less super-woman. They already can't figure out how I manage with all these guys all day every day...they are happy to see that my own child challenges me the way theirs challenge them. Children really do tend to behave better for other people, no matter how good of a parent you are! There's a lot of psychological stuff that goes into it, but the root of it is that they know that we (their parent) love them unconditionally and that gives them the freedom to relax around us, to show us how they are feeling inside, and they know that the love will still be there when they get through it. Does that make sense?
Another suggestion that has been helping me with my daughter is to read the book Playful Parenting. It's wonderful; I really, really like it. Look it up on Amazon or try and get it from your library.
While my DD isn't prone to hitting, we have been dealing with a lot of the same other stuff. It's already easing up a little bit. Maybe the calm in your storm is on its way!!
Oh, and, for my dcps at least--they watch me with my DD and are actually relieved to see that I have the same problems with my own kid that they have with theirs! It makes me seem more human and less super-woman. They already can't figure out how I manage with all these guys all day every day...they are happy to see that my own child challenges me the way theirs challenge them. Children really do tend to behave better for other people, no matter how good of a parent you are! There's a lot of psychological stuff that goes into it, but the root of it is that they know that we (their parent) love them unconditionally and that gives them the freedom to relax around us, to show us how they are feeling inside, and they know that the love will still be there when they get through it. Does that make sense?
KBCsMommy 08:28 AM 10-08-2011
I have also interviewed with other dc providers in my area to send my 3.5 yr old. But they werent too keen on taking my ds once they found out I did dc also.
I found an 8am-1pm preschool program for my son to attend during the week.
He is also the most ill behaved of all my dc kids. He is the root problem of anything the kids are fighting over!! It pains me to say this but its true!! All my most difficult and stressfull days were because of his behavoir and antics. So as soon as I picked up another kid off he went!! Now its usually pretty quite when he is gone we do everything easily with no fighting or bickering.
With that said my middle dd had horrible school anxiety when she started kindy she did not attend preschool because she stayed home with me and the kids, it was never a problem. But that first day of school was horrific and she was sent home the second day of school because she was so upset. So with these two issues it was an easy decision to send my ds to preschool out of my house.
I also think its important for children to socialize outside of the home in a school setting with an adult other than a parent. And my ds ,just like yours, acts completely fine at school, when I tell the teachers about his behavoir at home they dont believe me at all.
And Im definately going to check out the book Playful Parenting like SilverSabre25 suggested.
I found an 8am-1pm preschool program for my son to attend during the week.
He is also the most ill behaved of all my dc kids. He is the root problem of anything the kids are fighting over!! It pains me to say this but its true!! All my most difficult and stressfull days were because of his behavoir and antics. So as soon as I picked up another kid off he went!! Now its usually pretty quite when he is gone we do everything easily with no fighting or bickering.
With that said my middle dd had horrible school anxiety when she started kindy she did not attend preschool because she stayed home with me and the kids, it was never a problem. But that first day of school was horrific and she was sent home the second day of school because she was so upset. So with these two issues it was an easy decision to send my ds to preschool out of my house.
I also think its important for children to socialize outside of the home in a school setting with an adult other than a parent. And my ds ,just like yours, acts completely fine at school, when I tell the teachers about his behavoir at home they dont believe me at all.
And Im definately going to check out the book Playful Parenting like SilverSabre25 suggested.
CountryMommy 08:36 AM 10-08-2011
To me it seems like your daughter is screaming and clamoring for your attention. At her age she doesn't quite understand the difference between negative attention vs. positive attention. All she knows is that when I hit, scream, wail, etc. my mommy gives me one on one attention. I don't know if this is true in your case, but in many cases I have seen, when a child behaves well the parents either take it for granted because, well, that's what they are supposed to behave. Or they might praise them in passing or in a distracted way. But when their behavior is at their worst, parents drop everything and attend to their child.
IMHO, she isn't simply going through a phase. She knows how to behave well and is quite capable of acting that way since she is a great little girl when she isn't with you. That's because, in my opinoin, she doesn't want/need that much attention from her teachers, etc. She wants it from YOU. And so when you come around, she acts out to get it. To me it seems as if she's saying, "Mommy, you are always busy. Always busy with other children. Do you love them more than me? I want some quality, one on one time with you? Let me show you how MUCH I want it."
Can you set some time every day, even if it's for half an hour, to spend it specifically with her? And then go do bigger, funner things with her when you aren't working. Perhaps saturday mornings could be "her time" with you. You will still need to be firm with her and let her know very clearly that hitting, tantrums, etc. aren't allowed. But balance the negative behavior you give her with a lot of positive behavior. Let her know that she doesn't need to behave like that to get your attention.
And be patient, it's not going to change over night. But while still standing firm and not allowing her bad behavior, shower her with attention and one on one love.
IMHO, sending her to another center would just solidify in her mind that you love your DCK more than her. That you'd rather send her away than to carve out some time for her and her negative behavior would probably escalate since she would get even more desperate to get your attention.
Anyway, just my two cents.
IMHO, she isn't simply going through a phase. She knows how to behave well and is quite capable of acting that way since she is a great little girl when she isn't with you. That's because, in my opinoin, she doesn't want/need that much attention from her teachers, etc. She wants it from YOU. And so when you come around, she acts out to get it. To me it seems as if she's saying, "Mommy, you are always busy. Always busy with other children. Do you love them more than me? I want some quality, one on one time with you? Let me show you how MUCH I want it."
Can you set some time every day, even if it's for half an hour, to spend it specifically with her? And then go do bigger, funner things with her when you aren't working. Perhaps saturday mornings could be "her time" with you. You will still need to be firm with her and let her know very clearly that hitting, tantrums, etc. aren't allowed. But balance the negative behavior you give her with a lot of positive behavior. Let her know that she doesn't need to behave like that to get your attention.
And be patient, it's not going to change over night. But while still standing firm and not allowing her bad behavior, shower her with attention and one on one love.
IMHO, sending her to another center would just solidify in her mind that you love your DCK more than her. That you'd rather send her away than to carve out some time for her and her negative behavior would probably escalate since she would get even more desperate to get your attention.
Anyway, just my two cents.
My Daycare 08:53 AM 10-08-2011
I agree with all of the above. Also, make sure your guilt for the lack of attention that she is getting does not get in the way of your being firm with her.
erinalexmom 10:55 AM 10-08-2011
I sent my son to preschool because of this. Except that he is rowdy wether other kids are here or not! Thats just "how he rolls" (as he says)
I felt he needed to listen to somone else besides me and we get a little break from each other and its during nap time which was his hardest time of day. The major thing is I know he loves it so much! The first day he said "it was great! We learned stuff there!" LOL Like I've held him back from learning stuff for his first 4 years! lol But he is so much happier and so am I
I felt he needed to listen to somone else besides me and we get a little break from each other and its during nap time which was his hardest time of day. The major thing is I know he loves it so much! The first day he said "it was great! We learned stuff there!" LOL Like I've held him back from learning stuff for his first 4 years! lol But he is so much happier and so am I
erinalexmom 10:56 AM 10-08-2011
By the way, I have heard of providers swapping kids a couple times a week. You take hers and she takes yours
jen 11:02 AM 10-08-2011
Try this:
"If you cannot play nicely with your friends, you will not play with them at all."
Then put her in her room...not for 4 minutes but until she is calm and ready to participate.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Acting out is getting her what she wants...your undivided attention. After she realizes that acting out gets her less attention, not more, she will stop. WARNING: She will get worse for a bit before she gets better. It is referred to as "extinction burst" and is normal and expected. Don't give in under any circumstances or she will continue to act out and it will be longer and stronger.
"If you cannot play nicely with your friends, you will not play with them at all."
Then put her in her room...not for 4 minutes but until she is calm and ready to participate.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Acting out is getting her what she wants...your undivided attention. After she realizes that acting out gets her less attention, not more, she will stop. WARNING: She will get worse for a bit before she gets better. It is referred to as "extinction burst" and is normal and expected. Don't give in under any circumstances or she will continue to act out and it will be longer and stronger.
Growing1atime 12:29 PM 10-08-2011
Originally Posted by PolkaTots:
Has anyone ever enrolled their own child into another provider's or center's program?
I already feel terrible for even considering this, as the opportunity to stay home with my children is what prompted my career path into child care, but I am at my wit's end with my youngest (of 3) children, who will be 4 next month. At home, especially during daycare hours, she is a terror. The hitting, the fighting, the sass, the screaming...somedays it's so bad, I am literally in tears. My other 2 children are not like this, none of my DCKs act like this. The DCPs have got to wonder why I can't control my own child. She has even hit me in front of them before. Time outs are always a struggle for her. If one of the DCKs continually behaved like this, they would be termed. I am at the point now that I am considering closing my daycare at the end of the school year, or enrolling her in a program elsewhere. She participates in preschool now, and oddly enough, is probably the best behaved and most social children in the classroom. The only time she is good is when she is completely by herself and has my undivided attention, but I just don't have a lot of opportunities to provide one-on-one care with her.
You just shared exactly what I went through with my third child (of 4), she is 3 years old. I enrolled her in preschool this year three mornings to get her out of the house and in an environment where she has something that is just for her. She sees her two older siblings going to school and it really helped with her behavior at home. It also helped with my sanity in the daycare. Has anyone ever enrolled their own child into another provider's or center's program?
I already feel terrible for even considering this, as the opportunity to stay home with my children is what prompted my career path into child care, but I am at my wit's end with my youngest (of 3) children, who will be 4 next month. At home, especially during daycare hours, she is a terror. The hitting, the fighting, the sass, the screaming...somedays it's so bad, I am literally in tears. My other 2 children are not like this, none of my DCKs act like this. The DCPs have got to wonder why I can't control my own child. She has even hit me in front of them before. Time outs are always a struggle for her. If one of the DCKs continually behaved like this, they would be termed. I am at the point now that I am considering closing my daycare at the end of the school year, or enrolling her in a program elsewhere. She participates in preschool now, and oddly enough, is probably the best behaved and most social children in the classroom. The only time she is good is when she is completely by herself and has my undivided attention, but I just don't have a lot of opportunities to provide one-on-one care with her.
I have been professionally trained to work with behavior modification techniques and I have found that getting her out of the home daycare just those few mornings really did help. I would strongly encourage you to try this.
Good Luck!
cheerfuldom 12:36 PM 10-08-2011
this was my exact problem about 6 months ago with my middle child! I have stayed consistent with expecting her behavior to be as good as the other kids and have not given up on her (even though I really felt like it at times). the other thing was separating her and the DC kids if at all possible. I let her play in her room, sometimes watch a movie, sit at the table and color and no longer expect either of my two kids to do exactly what the daycare kids are doing. as long as she is happy and safe, I am cool with whatever. I used to feel like everything had to be the same with my kids and the daycare kids and this forum has showed me that that is not necessary at all. I don't force my kids to play with the daycare kids. The extra space has stopped a lot of the drama. hand in there!
C'est la vie. 01:36 PM 10-08-2011
I think we all realize that sometimes children excel OUTSIDE of the home or outside our own care. Giving some of the educating of your daughter to someone else can make for a really positive change. Let's be honest, not all of parenting is sunshine and rainbow unicorns. Sometimes we just need a change. To be perfectly honest I love my children so entirely, but sometimes when my youngest starts FREAKING out over a shirt or a sock, or a blanket I really want to tell him to eff off. I could never say it out loud, but I'm thinking it. I don't when I'm caring for other children with the SAME behaviours at daycare.
For myself, I spent 10 years in group care. Was managing our centre by the time I returned from work after my first maternity leave with my older daughter. Then when I had my son I was planning on being a SAHM. Well that lasted 16 months. My second child (Wyatt) won.
I've since gone back to work in a new city (we relocated during my second maternity leave for my husbands work). He excells in daycare. Sure he's rowdy, but not in an awful way. He's certainly not one of the most difficult children there. At home he was a terror. After too many days at home in a row he's once again difficult. We're all happier at daycare and it's done us all good. Having him in someone elses care but still within my sight for much of the day is the perfect soloution. It does me good to see him interact with other adults and children outside of our family. I can appreciate him more. He's almost two now and much more even tempered now that we're so busy.
For myself, I spent 10 years in group care. Was managing our centre by the time I returned from work after my first maternity leave with my older daughter. Then when I had my son I was planning on being a SAHM. Well that lasted 16 months. My second child (Wyatt) won.
I've since gone back to work in a new city (we relocated during my second maternity leave for my husbands work). He excells in daycare. Sure he's rowdy, but not in an awful way. He's certainly not one of the most difficult children there. At home he was a terror. After too many days at home in a row he's once again difficult. We're all happier at daycare and it's done us all good. Having him in someone elses care but still within my sight for much of the day is the perfect soloution. It does me good to see him interact with other adults and children outside of our family. I can appreciate him more. He's almost two now and much more even tempered now that we're so busy.
Kaddidle Care 06:16 PM 10-08-2011
They're always the worst for their own parents. You should know that by now. 
daycare 06:55 PM 10-08-2011
I think this behavioral is called mothers unconditional love.
kendallina 07:23 PM 10-08-2011
I have considered it. My daughter (will be 3 next month) is going through a very difficult phase right now. She used to be extremely well behaved, but the last few weeks have been truly AWFUL! Her behavior has been difficult not just during my preschool hours (I run a preschool just 3 hours in the morning), but also when it's just her and I in the afternoons (she's mostly good when DH is here, but he sees some of what I'm talking about). There are a few things that I'll be working on this week (i.e. making sure she isn't hungry-this seems to affect her behavior a lot, well rested and separating her when needed) and if things don't significantly improve over the next month, I will be seeking somewhere that she can go during my preschool hours. Of course she will be an angel for them. 
I think that if you've tried everything you can reasonably do, there is nothing wrong with sending her somewhere else for part-day or all day if needed for a little while.
I think that if you've tried everything you can reasonably do, there is nothing wrong with sending her somewhere else for part-day or all day if needed for a little while.
boysx5 05:47 AM 10-09-2011
I have done daycare for 16 years now and doing when your kids are young is hard. I did send all my boys to a preschool to get them out of the house and away from the house and myself. I do find now that all my boys are now in school doing daycare is so much eaiser now that my children are older than my daycare kids. Hang in there its normal I know that feeling all too well