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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Explosive Pair of 3 Year Olds
Unregistered 07:39 PM 09-19-2016
Hi, I'm new the the forums but I have a problem that has been driving me crazy. I work in a large daycare with one other educator in the 3-5 room. There are 16 children in this room.
There's two children in particular, a 3yr boy and girl from different families, but they are magnetically attracted to each other. They only want to play with each other and they are quite enthusiastic about it.

But...

It always ends in screaming, tears, or someone being hit with a wooden hoe (happened today). All day is a constant battle to keep these two on level ground and not screaming their heads off. The DB has a hard time listening to DG when she says stop, so she pushes or hits him and he hits back and she starts screaming. They have at least 5 confrontations an hour, up to 10 in the afternoon.
I can't take it anymore, they are draining all my patience to the point that I'm I just angry at them. I've used every trick that I can possible think of to try and get them to empathize with each other, but they always gravitate back together, they always end up fighting and screaming. All. Day. Long.
I'm just an employee at this centre, so I have no control over enrollment, but I could really use some tips on how to handle this pair.
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Michael 08:11 PM 09-19-2016
Is there one in particular that if removed would make the situation more manageable? If so, I would ask the director to term.

Maybe you've tried this but, I would immediately separate them whenever they start to get out of hand. At the beginning your have to be consistent with them. Make it known beforehand that they can play together "as long" as they play nicely. Once separated, let them know that they can get back together after they settle down (cool down mat or area). This will teach them reward or consequences and they will see you as the controlling factor. You are giving them the option of playing together, not that they should expect it.

I'm sure others here with have some tips.
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EntropyControlSpecialist 11:42 AM 09-20-2016
When I come across this I assign centers for the children. "DCB you go play at the block center right now and DCG you go play at the science center. When the bell goes off then you can go to a new center." If they leave their center redirect and tell them the bell/alarm/whatever didn't go off yet. It doesn't fix the issue completely but it makes for a MUCH smoother day for the teacher!
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Ariana 12:07 PM 09-20-2016
This might seem way off in left field but they are obviously gravitating towards one another for a reason.

What do you do when you intervene? A good thing to do is get down to eye level and sportscast what is happening and help them solve their own problems. Sometimes when we simply seperate they haven't resolved their own problems and they keep coming back to eachother. Believe it or not comflict is HUGELY important for social development and it looks like they practice those muscles most with eachother. Helping them resolve their conflict is the most important thing you can do here as an educator! Conflict is a necessary part of interaction and is not negative at all.
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Controlled Chaos 12:31 PM 09-20-2016
I would say they lose the priveledge of playing together after ONE incident. Maybe than try again after lunch. I would assign them center like a PP said. "Oh it looks like Tom and Jane are having trouble being kind to each other. Such a bummer. Jane go sit in the puzzle area, Tom go sit in the book area!" Then after 10min or so I would offer them the option of choosing a different area to play BUT it can't be the same as their buddy.
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Mike 01:38 PM 09-20-2016
Originally Posted by Ariana:
This might seem way off in left field but they are obviously gravitating towards one another for a reason.

What do you do when you intervene? A good thing to do is get down to eye level and sportscast what is happening and help them solve their own problems. Sometimes when we simply seperate they haven't resolved their own problems and they keep coming back to eachother. Believe it or not comflict is HUGELY important for social development and it looks like they practice those muscles most with eachother. Helping them resolve their conflict is the most important thing you can do here as an educator! Conflict is a necessary part of interaction and is not negative at all.
I agree with this.
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Unregistered 05:29 PM 09-20-2016
Thanks for the answers and support, ladies.
In response to some of your questions, I have tried every conceivable form of problem negotiation that I have ever been taught. I get down on their level, I try and get them to empathize with each other, apologize of their own volition and various other techniques to help them navigate the problem, but as soon as they make up, ten minutes later, they are upset for the same thing all over again.
Their relationship seems very intense, I don't know how well separating them will work, but its all I've go at this point.
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daycare 05:51 PM 09-20-2016
I agree with what others are saying.

I have this situation now and how is how I deal with it.

The two are always separated in groups. I take one and my assistant takes the other in her group. They never get to be together during small groups. We tired and we would just end up having to manage their behavior the whole time.

The only time that we let them play together is when we can give our 100% direct supervision to them. We are always in close proximity to them when they play and as soon as we hear, see, smell something about to go down, we jump right in and stop them. We use it as an opportunity for them to learn.

Today, child A was about to push child B off the top of the slide because she was mad that child B was not listening to her words. I hear them start to argue and I jump in, as I am jumping in I see child A hands go up. I say stop, loudly.

I then say, lets stop and get down. I tell them both, take a deep breath, lets calm down and think. Use your words, how can you fix this. I don't want to see anyone get hurt, friends don't hurt each other. I let them brain storm and tell me what they need to do. I always end it with a high 5 from both and show me that you can make good choices, you are smart, now lets go do it.

they always know the answers, but yet they both get a huge rise out of the others reactions so they keep doing it. '

Now if it happens again, I then tell them, if you can not play together using nice words and nice hands, you can't play together anymore. Go show me you can do it, again high 5s.

that usually does the trick, but if I am not right there to hear and see their every words and am close by, something always ends up happening.

Until they can prove to you that they can exists together. I would not let them play together.

Conflict resolution is something that I am big on letting the kids do on their own, but of course, they need my guidance and help to be able to do it from time to time.
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Ariana 05:52 PM 09-21-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Thanks for the answers and support, ladies.
In response to some of your questions, I have tried every conceivable form of problem negotiation that I have ever been taught. I get down on their level, I try and get them to empathize with each other, apologize of their own volition and various other techniques to help them navigate the problem, but as soon as they make up, ten minutes later, they are upset for the same thing all over again.
Their relationship seems very intense, I don't know how well separating them will work, but its all I've go at this point.
Then I guess I would ask you why does it bother you so much? Can you leave them to work it out on their own? My own daughter has a cantankerous relationship with my dcg and I really try to stay out of it as much as possible unless they are being violent. Helping them strategize and work through their problems doesn't mean they will never have conflict again! I have noticed that often times when I don't intervene they fight less! Anyway just my two cents. Good luck
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Blackcat31 05:19 AM 09-22-2016
Originally Posted by Ariana:
Then I guess I would ask you why does it bother you so much? Can you leave them to work it out on their own? My own daughter has a cantankerous relationship with my dcg and I really try to stay out of it as much as possible unless they are being violent. Helping them strategize and work through their problems doesn't mean they will never have conflict again! I have noticed that often times when I don't intervene they fight less! Anyway just my two cents. Good luck
True! I think sometimes the "conflict" is just a bid for adult attention. It works and it doesn't take them long to figure that out.

I tell my clients that I won't teach their child that everything is fair. Some are givers, some are takers and some find a healthy balance of both but no matter what, they have to learn to manage conflict (with older and younger peers) so like Ariana said unless there is physical aggression I just let them figure it out.

I think it's hard for providers because we some how feel if conflict is happening we must immediately fix it and return to harmony and peace.

Truth is the kids learn MORE about social skills, about themselves and other people through conflict than you do through calm and peaceful experiences. So even in the middle of a tiff, they are learning valuable life skills.
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