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erinalexmom 07:40 AM 12-16-2011
Ok small vent here! What ever happened to intrinsic motivation? These kids want recognition for every little thing! "Miss H I blew my nose!" (not really but its almost to that point!) Kids are so overpraised these days! I will not clap when you are 3 and can do a task designed for 18 month olds! If you cure cancer at 3yrs old THEN I will be extremely excited! Other than that just do the task for your own satisfaction.
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MyAngels 07:42 AM 12-16-2011
Originally Posted by erinalexmom:
Ok small vent here! What ever happened to intrinsic motivation? These kids want recognition for every little thing! "Miss H I blew my nose!" (not really but its almost to that point!) Kids are so overpraised these days! I will not clap when you are 3 and can do a task designed for 18 month olds! If you cure cancer at 3yrs old THEN I will be extremely excited! Other than that just do the task for your own satisfaction.
I've noticed that with my current group, too. Every other thing they say is "look at me! look at me!"
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Meeko 08:06 AM 12-16-2011
They are going to be terrifying teenagers......................
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erinalexmom 08:26 AM 12-16-2011
Thats true I HATE to hear my name sometimes cause I know they dont need me just want my attention. "look at me!" makes me want to run away! lol

True meeko! and when thier adults they will be unemployable!
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KBCsMommy 08:47 AM 12-16-2011
This is when I reply " oh do you want a cookie!" SARCASTICALY!!!!
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Hunni Bee 09:30 AM 12-16-2011
I get that all day, too. All my kids usually get is "I see" with a smile from me. To me it isn't so much "tell me how great I am" (although with some kids it obviously is), but "I'm doing it how you taught me" or "I'm making an effort to do this right". And that does need validation for little kids.

I usually get stuff like "Look at how I'm dumping my food in the trash without splashing it everywhere" or "I can use computer myself" or "I helped Susie zip her coat". That stuff is actually validation to ME, because it lets me know that they value what I teach them.
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Ariana 09:52 AM 12-16-2011
I recently attended a Resiliency worlshop and asked this very question about a kid in my care who wants praise for everything.

The advice I was given was to be descriptive in your praise and pass no judgment but tell the child how it makes YOU feel. "I see that you blew your nose...when you blow your own nose it makes me feel good because I don't have to do it for you" or "Thank you for cleaning up all the blocks.....I like walking into a clean room". Instead of "wow I'm so proud you blew your nose" or "Great job". One teaches intrinsic motivation, the other extrinsic!!

Descriptive Praise

Instead of evaluating what your child has done, it is usually better to describe it. Describe in detail exactly what your child did. Then your child, hearing the description, is likely to recognize the truth and credit herself.
The kind of praise a child can “take in” and that truly builds self-esteem comes in two parts. First, the adult describes what the child has done. (“I see you are all ready to go to the store. You picked up your toys, put on your jacket, and even turned off the light in your bedroom.”) Second, the child, after hearing his accomplishment described, praises himself. (“I know how to plan ahead and be responsible.”)

Descriptive praise is harder and takes longer, but the payoff is usually greater. Descriptive praise helps children become independent, creative thinkers and doers. They do not look to somebody else for approval. They trust themselves and their own judgment. They have enough confidence to say to themselves, “I'm satisfied,” or “I'm not satisfied,” with what I have done. They learn to make corrections or adjustments based upon their own evaluations.

Descriptive praise is unconditional love—not conditional upon your approval.

Evaluative Praise Creates Dependency

Some praise creates dependency upon the approval of others. The evaluative praise, “You are a very generous person,” makes the child dependent on the judgment of the praiser. But the descriptive praise, “When you saw that Elliot forgot his sandwich, you gave him part of yours” gives a child a sense of her own abilities and accomplishments.

Descriptive praise lets a child evaluate herself. If you want your daughter to focus her attention more on the impact she had on Elliot, you might say something like, “Look at Elliot’s face! He looks pretty happy because you gave him something to eat when he didn’t have anything.” You can help your child see how her actions affect others.

Ask yourself, does my praise make my children more dependent upon me and my approval, or do my words help them see their strengths and give them a clearer picture of their abilities and accomplishments? The goal is to let your children feel in touch with their own powers and to be able to praise themselves. The person your child needs to please is him or herself.

Good Job! Wonderful! Great! Praise, as it is commonly practiced, is a way of making and keeping children dependent on us. It gets them to conform to our wishes. It sustains a dependence on our evaluations and our decisions about what is good and bad, rather than helping them begin to form their own judgments. It leads children to measure their worth in terms of what will make us smile and offer the positive words they crave. It leads to a dependency on approval.

Components of Descriptive Praise

Effective praise, then, has two parts. First the parent expresses appreciation for some specific contribution or effort. Second, the child draws conclusions about himself or herself based on this specific statement from the parent.

For a mother to tell her son, “You're so strong” is not as effective in building self-esteem as saying “That was really a heavy load. Thanks for your help.” This boy can then think to himself, “I must be pretty strong. Mom thought I was a good helper.” These internal conclusions will be much more believable to the child than a parent's general value judgment of the child as a person.

Evaluative comments are often unnecessary. In the long run, parents can become less judgmental and controlling, and help their children become more independent and motivated, simply by acknowledging what their children do. Just pointing out an aspect of a child's drawing that seems interesting (without saying that it's nice or that you liked it) will likely be enough to encourage further efforts.

For example, if your preschooler makes you a get-well card, instead of saying “It's beautiful,” you can describe it: “I love these yellow balloons and red hearts. They cheer me up. I feel better already, just looking at them.”

Practice Using Descriptive Praise

It takes more thoughtful effort to use descriptive praise than evaluative praise. Why do we respond with a barrage of compliments? It's easy. It feels good to have someone looking to us for approval. But it takes skill and care and attention to encourage people in such a way that they remain interested in what they are doing and don't feel controlled.

Remember descriptive praise has two parts:
■Describe what you see and hear.
■Describe what you feel.

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Meeko 10:27 AM 12-16-2011
Originally Posted by Ariana:
I recently attended a Resiliency worlshop and asked this very question about a kid in my care who wants praise for everything.

The advice I was given was to be descriptive in your praise and pass no judgment but tell the child how it makes YOU feel. "I see that you blew your nose...when you blow your own nose it makes me feel good because I don't have to do it for you" or "Thank you for cleaning up all the blocks.....I like walking into a clean room". Instead of "wow I'm so proud you blew your nose" or "Great job". One teaches intrinsic motivation, the other extrinsic!!

Descriptive Praise

Instead of evaluating what your child has done, it is usually better to describe it. Describe in detail exactly what your child did. Then your child, hearing the description, is likely to recognize the truth and credit herself.
The kind of praise a child can “take in” and that truly builds self-esteem comes in two parts. First, the adult describes what the child has done. (“I see you are all ready to go to the store. You picked up your toys, put on your jacket, and even turned off the light in your bedroom.”) Second, the child, after hearing his accomplishment described, praises himself. (“I know how to plan ahead and be responsible.”)

Descriptive praise is harder and takes longer, but the payoff is usually greater. Descriptive praise helps children become independent, creative thinkers and doers. They do not look to somebody else for approval. They trust themselves and their own judgment. They have enough confidence to say to themselves, “I'm satisfied,” or “I'm not satisfied,” with what I have done. They learn to make corrections or adjustments based upon their own evaluations.

Descriptive praise is unconditional love—not conditional upon your approval.

Evaluative Praise Creates Dependency

Some praise creates dependency upon the approval of others. The evaluative praise, “You are a very generous person,” makes the child dependent on the judgment of the praiser. But the descriptive praise, “When you saw that Elliot forgot his sandwich, you gave him part of yours” gives a child a sense of her own abilities and accomplishments.

Descriptive praise lets a child evaluate herself. If you want your daughter to focus her attention more on the impact she had on Elliot, you might say something like, “Look at Elliot’s face! He looks pretty happy because you gave him something to eat when he didn’t have anything.” You can help your child see how her actions affect others.

Ask yourself, does my praise make my children more dependent upon me and my approval, or do my words help them see their strengths and give them a clearer picture of their abilities and accomplishments? The goal is to let your children feel in touch with their own powers and to be able to praise themselves. The person your child needs to please is him or herself.

Good Job! Wonderful! Great! Praise, as it is commonly practiced, is a way of making and keeping children dependent on us. It gets them to conform to our wishes. It sustains a dependence on our evaluations and our decisions about what is good and bad, rather than helping them begin to form their own judgments. It leads children to measure their worth in terms of what will make us smile and offer the positive words they crave. It leads to a dependency on approval.

Components of Descriptive Praise

Effective praise, then, has two parts. First the parent expresses appreciation for some specific contribution or effort. Second, the child draws conclusions about himself or herself based on this specific statement from the parent.

For a mother to tell her son, “You're so strong” is not as effective in building self-esteem as saying “That was really a heavy load. Thanks for your help.” This boy can then think to himself, “I must be pretty strong. Mom thought I was a good helper.” These internal conclusions will be much more believable to the child than a parent's general value judgment of the child as a person.

Evaluative comments are often unnecessary. In the long run, parents can become less judgmental and controlling, and help their children become more independent and motivated, simply by acknowledging what their children do. Just pointing out an aspect of a child's drawing that seems interesting (without saying that it's nice or that you liked it) will likely be enough to encourage further efforts.

For example, if your preschooler makes you a get-well card, instead of saying “It's beautiful,” you can describe it: “I love these yellow balloons and red hearts. They cheer me up. I feel better already, just looking at them.”

Practice Using Descriptive Praise

It takes more thoughtful effort to use descriptive praise than evaluative praise. Why do we respond with a barrage of compliments? It's easy. It feels good to have someone looking to us for approval. But it takes skill and care and attention to encourage people in such a way that they remain interested in what they are doing and don't feel controlled.

Remember descriptive praise has two parts:
■Describe what you see and hear.
■Describe what you feel.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!

Sadly, the world is now full of young adults in the workforce who can't put one foot in front of the other without being told how incredibly special they are.

They spent their childhoods being praised for simply being awake and expect it ALL the time.

I give plenty of praise to my day care kids when it's really warranted. But it's an uphill battle with the parents who feel princess should be given a sticker every time she puts on her shoes or puts her toy away.

I hear conversations like this at pick up...

Mom to girl: Were you a good girl today?
Girl: Yes! I put my blanket away!
Mom: Good girl!!!!!! Awesome!!!! Let's go get ice-cream!!!!!

Not exact..but you get the idea. The kids expect treats/praise etc for doing what they should be doing at any given time.

I have kids ask me for stickers for doing the most simple of tasks. They usually ask in front of their parents who stand and look at me too. I wish I had a camera when I say "Nope".

I keep the stickers for the child who helps another without being asked. I keep the stickers for the child who thanks me properly all day without being reminded....not for the child who breathed in and out all day and wants rewarded for it.
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erinalexmom 11:00 AM 12-16-2011
Thats exactly how I feel Meeko! You get prais when what you have done merits praise!
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Sugar Magnolia 11:02 AM 12-16-2011
I have a 4yo dcb who is also a praise monger. He's had the same shoes since September. Every other day-"my shoes are new. They are Nike. My shoes are the best, do you like my new shoes?" I had a little boy who did get new shoes last week. Me:"hey nice shoes!" Him:"thanks they are new, my mommy took me to Walmart". Praise monger "HEY! LOOK at MY NEW shoes too! They are better than yours and they are from the mall, not Walmart!"
Boy w new shoes looks dejected. Me: "your shoes are nice, but they are not new and his shoes are nice also." Praise monger (tearing up) "my shoes are better than everybody's! And new!" Whaaaaaaa. Anytime ANYBODY gets praised for ANYTHING "yeah I do that too! Yeah mine is better. Yeah I'm a good boy too." Ugh. I usually just say "ok" and let it go. But when he made boy x feel bad, I drew the line, and simply HAD to inform him his shoes are not new anymore.
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youretooloud 11:03 AM 12-16-2011
I saw two teenagers at the store last night that were like that.

They were so obnoxious that you could tell they REALLLLLLY needed to be noticed, and have someone think they were so cute.
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Heidi 11:07 AM 12-16-2011
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I have a 4yo dcb who is also a praise monger. He's had the same shoes since September. Every other day-"my shoes are new. They are Nike. My shoes are the best, do you like my new shoes?" I had a little boy who did get new shoes last week. Me:"hey nice shoes!" Him:"thanks they are new, my mommy took me to Walmart". Praise monger "HEY! LOOK at MY NEW shoes too! They are better than yours and they are from the mall, not Walmart!"
Boy w new shoes looks dejected. Me: "your shoes are nice, but they are not new and his shoes are nice also." Praise monger (tearing up) "my shoes are better than everybody's! And new!" Whaaaaaaa. Anytime ANYBODY gets praised for ANYTHING "yeah I do that too! Yeah mine is better. Yeah I'm a good boy too." Ugh. I usually just say "ok" and let it go. But when he made boy x feel bad, I drew the line, and simply HAD to inform him his shoes are not new anymore.
I think you have my dcb's long lost twin!

He's four as well..and it's all about him, baby!
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Blackcat31 11:11 AM 12-16-2011
Originally Posted by bbo:
I think you have my dcb's long lost twin!

He's four as well..and it's all about him, baby!
My 4 year old is similar but it is ME he keeps praising

"Miss C, I love your shirt..."
"Miss C, I like your hair"
"Miss C, you are sooo pretty"
"Miss C, you are a good cook"
"Miss C I love your toys"

It is kind of nice but it can get VERY annoying.
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mema 12:18 PM 12-16-2011
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I have a 4yo dcb who is also a praise monger. He's had the same shoes since September. Every other day-"my shoes are new. They are Nike. My shoes are the best, do you like my new shoes?" I had a little boy who did get new shoes last week. Me:"hey nice shoes!" Him:"thanks they are new, my mommy took me to Walmart". Praise monger "HEY! LOOK at MY NEW shoes too! They are better than yours and they are from the mall, not Walmart!"
Boy w new shoes looks dejected. Me: "your shoes are nice, but they are not new and his shoes are nice also." Praise monger (tearing up) "my shoes are better than everybody's! And new!" Whaaaaaaa. Anytime ANYBODY gets praised for ANYTHING "yeah I do that too! Yeah mine is better. Yeah I'm a good boy too." Ugh. I usually just say "ok" and let it go. But when he made boy x feel bad, I drew the line, and simply HAD to inform him his shoes are not new anymore.


I have 2 of those! I usually just say yep and move on. Drives me nutso.
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mema 12:20 PM 12-16-2011
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
My 4 year old is similar but it is ME he keeps praising

"Miss C, I love your shirt..."
"Miss C, I like your hair"
"Miss C, you are sooo pretty"
"Miss C, you are a good cook"
"Miss C I love your toys"

It is kind of nice but it can get VERY annoying.
The same 2 that I have like Sugar also do this. That's how you know they either did something wrong or want something. That is the only time they say I like or I love.
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Crystal 12:46 PM 12-16-2011
oohhh, I have that four year old too Sugar......is he an only child? Mine is.
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Crystal 12:47 PM 12-16-2011
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
My 4 year old is similar but it is ME he keeps praising

"Miss C, I love your shirt..."
"Miss C, I like your hair"
"Miss C, you are sooo pretty"
"Miss C, you are a good cook"
"Miss C I love your toys"

It is kind of nice but it can get VERY annoying.
awwww, somebody's got a little crush it seems
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Sugar Magnolia 12:54 PM 12-16-2011
Originally Posted by Crystal:
oohhh, I have that four year old too Sugar......is he an only child? Mine is.
Nope, he has a younger sister who goes to school here also. Maybe a "baby sis gets all the attention" syndrome.
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Hunni Bee 04:17 PM 12-16-2011
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I have a 4yo dcb who is also a praise monger. He's had the same shoes since September. Every other day-"my shoes are new. They are Nike. My shoes are the best, do you like my new shoes?" I had a little boy who did get new shoes last week. Me:"hey nice shoes!" Him:"thanks they are new, my mommy took me to Walmart". Praise monger "HEY! LOOK at MY NEW shoes too! They are better than yours and they are from the mall, not Walmart!"
Boy w new shoes looks dejected. Me: "your shoes are nice, but they are not new and his shoes are nice also." Praise monger (tearing up) "my shoes are better than everybody's! And new!" Whaaaaaaa. Anytime ANYBODY gets praised for ANYTHING "yeah I do that too! Yeah mine is better. Yeah I'm a good boy too." Ugh. I usually just say "ok" and let it go. But when he made boy x feel bad, I drew the line, and simply HAD to inform him his shoes are not new anymore.
Gee whiz!! Really? He'll probably end up on Jersey Shore with 8 pounds of styling gel in his hair in 20 years lol.
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Preschool/daycare teacher 07:11 PM 12-17-2011
How do you handle the situation when you praise one child or encourage them, and then all the others ask, "am I?" Example: I tell one child, "Thank you for setting the table. You were a really good helper". Then all the others ask, "Was I?" When they hadn't even done anything. Or "Thank you for putting those books away. You were a really good listener." Then the others (who fought clean up and some who refused), ask, "Am I a good listener?"
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SilverSabre25 07:45 PM 12-17-2011
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

Alfie Kohn, and I this particular article...fits into the category perfectly.

I didn't stop saying good job entirely (sometimes, it *is* warranted, IMO) but I dropped about 95% of it, maybe more. HUGE difference in my DD and in my dcks. I can tell though, which ones get a lot of empty praise at home.
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SilverSabre25 07:47 PM 12-17-2011
Originally Posted by Preschool/daycare teacher:
How do you handle the situation when you praise one child or encourage them, and then all the others ask, "am I?" Example: I tell one child, "Thank you for setting the table. You were a really good helper". Then all the others ask, "Was I?" When they hadn't even done anything. Or "Thank you for putting those books away. You were a really good listener." Then the others (who fought clean up and some who refused), ask, "Am I a good listener?"
You could simply say, "Thank you for setting the table!" and not add in the good helper/listener part. That should eliminate the problem right there.
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dave4him 02:53 AM 12-18-2011
are these the same kids not paying attention to what the teacher is doing
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CheekyChick 08:37 AM 12-18-2011
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
My 4 year old is similar but it is ME he keeps praising

"Miss C, I love your shirt..."
"Miss C, I like your hair"
"Miss C, you are sooo pretty"
"Miss C, you are a good cook"
"Miss C I love your toys"

It is kind of nice but it can get VERY annoying.

Awwww... Even if it's a little excessive, you gotta love a little boy who looks up to you so much.
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Blackcat31 04:19 PM 12-18-2011
Originally Posted by CheekyChick:
Awwww... Even if it's a little excessive, you gotta love a little boy who looks up to you so much.
yeah, it is sweet! Especially if I am having a bad day! He tells my DH that when he grows up he is going to marry me.
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frgsonmysox 11:00 AM 12-19-2011
My own 5 year old daughter is that way. Drives me crazy!! I praise her brother for listening really well and I get, "Am I good listener too? Am I behaving well?". I have explained to her numerous times that sometimes its about other and not about her and her behaviour, and I make sure to praise her a lot as well. I think it must be an age thing.
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WImom 12:07 PM 12-19-2011
Originally Posted by erinalexmom:
Ok small vent here! What ever happened to intrinsic motivation? These kids want recognition for every little thing! "Miss H I blew my nose!" (not really but its almost to that point!) Kids are so overpraised these days! I will not clap when you are 3 and can do a task designed for 18 month olds! If you cure cancer at 3yrs old THEN I will be extremely excited! Other than that just do the task for your own satisfaction.
Yes! I have 3 kids like that and one that actually does go into that much detail 'he does tell me when he blows his nose!. I just say, great, 'go throw the kleenex away' and move on!

I have one that tells me EVERYDAY 'Miss T--- I got my shoes on! She's been doing this on her own since she started here in June.

Originally Posted by dave4him:
are these the same kids not paying attention to what the teacher is doing
In my case yes! Two if the three kids are siblings and neither know what's going on 1/2 the time and I have to repeat my self.
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mrsp'slilpeeps 02:12 PM 12-19-2011
Originally Posted by KBCsMommy:
This is when I reply " oh do you want a cookie!" SARCASTICALY!!!!
Im sorry but I think your comment is extreamly RUDE.

My 14yr old stepson talks to me like that. Hmm maybe thats why he doesnt live with us anymore.

And we wonder why kids these days have no respect for adults.
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Preschool/daycare teacher 08:04 PM 12-19-2011
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
You could simply say, "Thank you for setting the table!" and not add in the good helper/listener part. That should eliminate the problem right there.
You're right. There's more to it than I put though. Some of these children are very very spoiled at home, and can do no wrong. So they sometimes have problems listening or doing as asked here. (mom gets mad at us and blames other children when their own is having problems here). So we like to tell the children they are good listeners as often as possible (you know how children begin to behave the way you say they are? If you tell them they're really good at something, they try harder next time, etc?) So maybe if we can tell them they're good listeners or good helpers as often as possible, maybe they will begin thinking they are good helpers and actually become good helpers/listeners. I just didn't add all that to it earlier because it was off topic. But sometimes I'll praise one for being good helper/listener, and then the others want to be told they are too, even though they refused to help/do as asked My little theory backfires on me at those times...
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2ndFamilyDC 06:56 AM 12-20-2011
Originally Posted by erinalexmom:
Ok small vent here! What ever happened to intrinsic motivation? These kids want recognition for every little thing! "Miss H I blew my nose!" (not really but its almost to that point!) Kids are so overpraised these days! I will not clap when you are 3 and can do a task designed for 18 month olds! If you cure cancer at 3yrs old THEN I will be extremely excited! Other than that just do the task for your own satisfaction.
Laughing because I feel the exact same way.
It is very out of hand.

On the same subject, this bothers me too.
If you give praise of any kind to one kid then they all
want praise.
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Tags:intrinsic motivation, motivation
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