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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Am I Being Too Concerned About This Situation? (Long Post)
Unregistered 04:14 PM 06-11-2013
Lately I've been growing concerned with the parenting habits of a DCM whose child I care for regularly, and I'm not really sure what I should be doing, if anything.
The background story is this: The child is around two years old and is a total sweetheart. For the most part, the mother has been a great parent, although lately I find myself questioning some of her methods. She is moving out of her current apartment in about a month or so, and the new apartment she finds will be her third apartment in just shy of 6 months (I know she was evicted from her previous place, but not the circumstances- and frankly, it's not my place to know). I know too that's she's been in a couple of off-and-on relationships, and she has told me that this is causing some separation anxiety for the little one, because the child is constantly seeing the men in his mother's life up and leave. Again, her love life is none of my business, though I feel bad that the child is getting anxious though.
These are the trends I've been noticing that are causing me to lose sleep though: The last few times he's been dropped off with me, the child's been in pretty rough shape. The little one's had blisters all over their little feet, because the mothers been bringing the child to me in rubber boots with no socks when it's not raining and it's hot outside- so naturally, when the child's feet sweat they rub and cause the blisters (and stink, oh my!). The child's clothes are also too small, and it limits the little one's ability to move and the child complains they are hurting.
The past couple of times that the child has come over, they've been in such a mess that they literally had to go straight into the bathtub to get cleaned up properly (and there has been some engrained dirt around the neck etc, but kids will be kids, so I didn't think much of that). Well, that when I noticed that the child is covered in bite marks. The mother eventually said that the bites are coming from her friend's child, and that the two kids don't get along. Again, I realize kids bit, but it seems like the little one has a lot of them all over the place, and that it's not really being addressed because the child continues to get them and has gotten aggressive and started biting himself.
Also, the last few times that I've dropped him back off at the mother's house, she has met me and the child outside. I later found out from the child's grandmother that she cannot go in the house either, because the mother said it's too dirty and needs a good cleaning.
I don't know, maybe I'm just overreacting, but it just seems like things have gone downhill since a few months ago and it's had me really worried about the child. As a childcare provider I know I'm a mandated reporter if things look odd, but I just can't make sense of this situation. I mean, CPS investigations are not small matters, and I don't know if it would even be necessary for something like this. I've never been in/seen this situation before. I don't know, is this normal? Should I be getting involved? Am I overreacting?
I'd appreciate any feedback whatsoever
The background story is this: The child is around two years old and is a total sweetheart. For the most part, the mother has been a great parent, although lately I find myself questioning some of her methods. She is moving out of her current apartment in about a month or so, and the new apartment she finds will be her third apartment in just shy of 6 months (I know she was evicted from her previous place, but not the circumstances- and frankly, it's not my place to know). I know too that's she's been in a couple of off-and-on relationships, and she has told me that this is causing some separation anxiety for the little one, because the child is constantly seeing the men in his mother's life up and leave. Again, her love life is none of my business, though I feel bad that the child is getting anxious though.
These are the trends I've been noticing that are causing me to lose sleep though: The last few times he's been dropped off with me, the child's been in pretty rough shape. The little one's had blisters all over their little feet, because the mothers been bringing the child to me in rubber boots with no socks when it's not raining and it's hot outside- so naturally, when the child's feet sweat they rub and cause the blisters (and stink, oh my!). The child's clothes are also too small, and it limits the little one's ability to move and the child complains they are hurting.
The past couple of times that the child has come over, they've been in such a mess that they literally had to go straight into the bathtub to get cleaned up properly (and there has been some engrained dirt around the neck etc, but kids will be kids, so I didn't think much of that). Well, that when I noticed that the child is covered in bite marks. The mother eventually said that the bites are coming from her friend's child, and that the two kids don't get along. Again, I realize kids bit, but it seems like the little one has a lot of them all over the place, and that it's not really being addressed because the child continues to get them and has gotten aggressive and started biting himself.
Also, the last few times that I've dropped him back off at the mother's house, she has met me and the child outside. I later found out from the child's grandmother that she cannot go in the house either, because the mother said it's too dirty and needs a good cleaning.
I don't know, maybe I'm just overreacting, but it just seems like things have gone downhill since a few months ago and it's had me really worried about the child. As a childcare provider I know I'm a mandated reporter if things look odd, but I just can't make sense of this situation. I mean, CPS investigations are not small matters, and I don't know if it would even be necessary for something like this. I've never been in/seen this situation before. I don't know, is this normal? Should I be getting involved? Am I overreacting?
I'd appreciate any feedback whatsoever
sharlan 04:22 PM 06-11-2013
C p s
Cradle2crayons 04:41 PM 06-11-2013
I'd say there's no question..
Report
Report ASAP
ASAP
Report
Report ASAP
ASAP
Heidi 04:56 PM 06-11-2013
CPS indeed
Willow 05:18 PM 06-11-2013
Have you tried to address any of these things with mom first?
If so what has her response been?
If so what has her response been?
EntropyControlSpecialist 05:23 PM 06-11-2013
Absolutely involve CPS.
When I assisted a children's advocacy center, there was a young child that was being bitten for punishment.
It appeared everywhere as well and I was thoroughly traumatized. The child belonged to a famous NFL player and had just been adopted.
When I assisted a children's advocacy center, there was a young child that was being bitten for punishment.
It appeared everywhere as well and I was thoroughly traumatized. The child belonged to a famous NFL player and had just been adopted.
Michelle 06:25 PM 06-11-2013
If there was just one thing going on and wasn't so extreme, then I would just help her but there are too many things going on and they are very extreme.
I would call CPS
They will help her with proper housing, counseling,clothes ,shoes, parenting classes, they even help with furniture around here and will provide someone to help her clean her house. They will forbid her from having contact with that kid that is biting the child and will not tolerate all the men coming and going.
If she doesn't follow those rules then she can lose her kid.
So, calling CPS not only helps the child, it will help her too.
Do it right away
I would call CPS
They will help her with proper housing, counseling,clothes ,shoes, parenting classes, they even help with furniture around here and will provide someone to help her clean her house. They will forbid her from having contact with that kid that is biting the child and will not tolerate all the men coming and going.
If she doesn't follow those rules then she can lose her kid.
So, calling CPS not only helps the child, it will help her too.
Do it right away
cheerfuldom 08:11 PM 06-11-2013
I agree with Michelle.
The baths alone are ridiculous. It is basic parenting to bathe your child. But the questionable housing, appropriate clothing, questionable care, and especially marks on the body....this is the reason you are a mandated reporter. It is not your job to sort this all out. It is your job to report only and let CPS decide what is and is not to be addressed by local services.
The baths alone are ridiculous. It is basic parenting to bathe your child. But the questionable housing, appropriate clothing, questionable care, and especially marks on the body....this is the reason you are a mandated reporter. It is not your job to sort this all out. It is your job to report only and let CPS decide what is and is not to be addressed by local services.
Leigh 08:12 PM 06-11-2013
Gotta agree with everyone else, call CPS.
Thing is, you MIGHT be doing Mom a favor by calling early on. It's likely at this stage that CPS can give her the services she needs to care for her kids properly and get her life together. If it goes another 6 months, another year, she may end up losing her kids (which could still happen now, but CPS TRIES to keep families intact unless there is imminent danger to the kids of abuse or neglect).
Thing is, you MIGHT be doing Mom a favor by calling early on. It's likely at this stage that CPS can give her the services she needs to care for her kids properly and get her life together. If it goes another 6 months, another year, she may end up losing her kids (which could still happen now, but CPS TRIES to keep families intact unless there is imminent danger to the kids of abuse or neglect).
Mister Sir Husband 08:49 PM 06-11-2013
It sounds to me like what's happening to this child can be classified as abuse. Could also be considered neglect if one prefers a different term, but either way if it were me, I would definitely report it. Having just finished my safety classes I did learn that calling in a case like this doesn't automatically result in a report being filed, but instead its a chance to explain to the investigator your suspicions and with their qualifications a decision can be made as to proceed or not with the paperwork.
preschoolteacher 09:16 PM 06-11-2013
It sounds concerning. How's your relationship with the mom? What you wrote here sounds like it's coming from a place of true care for her and her child. Can you express that to her somehow and hopefully get her to talk to you? If her problems are coming from having a lack of money, lack of resources, or maybe even a potentially abusive/controlling boyfriend, you might find out by talking to her. You also might see more red flags that she is neglecting or abusing her child intentionally. In any case, a conversation with the mom would help you narrow down what could potentially be happening so you can decide what to do next.
I would emphasize your concern for her child, but try not to blame her as that could make her defensive and not get the result you want (better care for the child).
At pick-up time: "Oh, DCM, Bobby must have been playing outside yesterday because when you dropped him off this morning, I noticed he was pretty dirty!...." Pause to see what she says. Most moms would act embarrassed and their kid would not come to daycare dirty again.
"DCM, I am really concerned about the bite marks on Bobby. They look so painful, and he has started biting here at daycare. I have some resources on how to stop biting that I'd like to share with you--you can pass them along to the other child's parents." Offer to help the other child's parents takes the blame off the mom, but also opens the door to talk to her about what is going on.
I would emphasize your concern for her child, but try not to blame her as that could make her defensive and not get the result you want (better care for the child).
At pick-up time: "Oh, DCM, Bobby must have been playing outside yesterday because when you dropped him off this morning, I noticed he was pretty dirty!...." Pause to see what she says. Most moms would act embarrassed and their kid would not come to daycare dirty again.
"DCM, I am really concerned about the bite marks on Bobby. They look so painful, and he has started biting here at daycare. I have some resources on how to stop biting that I'd like to share with you--you can pass them along to the other child's parents." Offer to help the other child's parents takes the blame off the mom, but also opens the door to talk to her about what is going on.
preschoolteacher 09:19 PM 06-11-2013
As for the clothing... I would point out politely that the kid looks uncomfortable, and does she have any bigger pants at home? Also mention that he needs to wear socks with shoes as a rule.
If new clothes don't happen shortly after, you could mention something like a neighborhood garage sale or sale at a store or SOMETHING that gives her an idea of where to find inexpensive clothing.
If you don't see new clothing after that, and she doesn't express serious concern over her child's clothing situation, it would be a big red flag that she doesn't really care...
If new clothes don't happen shortly after, you could mention something like a neighborhood garage sale or sale at a store or SOMETHING that gives her an idea of where to find inexpensive clothing.
If you don't see new clothing after that, and she doesn't express serious concern over her child's clothing situation, it would be a big red flag that she doesn't really care...
Cat Herder 06:39 AM 06-12-2013
As a mandated reporter, I'd just make the call. They are trained to deal with this stuff, it is their job. DHS are not an uncaring government demon, they are just people who went to school for this out of love for children.
Never be afraid to call.
In the meantime offering Mom a few bags of clothes from goodwill as "my cousins kid outgrew these, would you be interested?" may be appreciated.
Maybe giving her the Child Support Recovery Services or Womens Shelter Services handouts along with some other PSA monthly handouts like "Water Safety" or "Carseat Safety" may help without her feeling singled out (everybody gets them).
Never be afraid to call.
In the meantime offering Mom a few bags of clothes from goodwill as "my cousins kid outgrew these, would you be interested?" may be appreciated.
Maybe giving her the Child Support Recovery Services or Womens Shelter Services handouts along with some other PSA monthly handouts like "Water Safety" or "Carseat Safety" may help without her feeling singled out (everybody gets them).
itlw8 06:59 AM 06-12-2013
sounds like mom needs some help To me is sounds like she is crashing on a friends couch due to lack of money.
The condition of the house is the question. How bad is it ? I would not beat round the bush Sit mom down and ask . Then you can help her find the resources to provide safe home for her child. And her friend also needs help is sounds like to me.
The condition of the house is the question. How bad is it ? I would not beat round the bush Sit mom down and ask . Then you can help her find the resources to provide safe home for her child. And her friend also needs help is sounds like to me.
AmyKidsCo 02:13 PM 06-12-2013
Bad parenting isn't child abuse, but neglect is. This sounds like neglect to me - it doesn't take money to clean up your house or bathe your child. I'd call CPS and let them determine what, if anything, needs to be done.
Maybe your calling will be good for her - they may get her in touch with resources to help or it may be the kick in the butt she needs to get her act together.
Maybe your calling will be good for her - they may get her in touch with resources to help or it may be the kick in the butt she needs to get her act together.