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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Parent Does Not Like My Assistant
spedmommy4 09:43 PM 12-05-2015
I hired my second assistant about six weeks ago. She is super sweet and nurturing with the kids, and for this reason I placed her with my toddler group. My assistant is still working on learning to use her firm teacher voice, but she is amazing otherwise.

Background on parent: I know her through a personal friend. I only took her youngest (under 12 months) because of my relationship this friend.
Prior to coming to me, the older girl was able to go to work with mom and be with her all day.
Her two children have been with me for several months now. Both kids are awesome and I love having them here.

Now, due to this dcm's schedule, she rarely encounters my new assistant. My assistant starts after she drops off and leaves long before dcm picks up. But last week, due to my vacation, she saw my new assistant daily.

So here is the problem . . . last week, she comments to my (Caucasian) assistant that she thinks maybe her girls aren't comfortable with my assistant because they have never been around African American people before. My assistant responded something to the effect of, "they seem okay to me" and let it go. (Keep in mind, through this story, little girl is Hispanic and my assistant is not that much darker)

Then I get this crazy text today that she needs to pull the girls because her older daughter is very uncomfortable with my assistant and she has been seeing some behaviors at home. One example she has given was that dcg (just turned 2) is getting frustrated with putting her shoes on. Oookay, not sure what that has to do with me, but whatever.

I acknowledged her concerns and let her know that she is still responsible for two weeks of care. I offer to take over the toddler room for the next few weeks so she will be more comfortable while the girls are here. She then back peddles a bit and says it is fine and she isn't worried about the girls being with my assistant.

Now, I am not sure what her plans are regarding keeping them here at the moment but I am not sure I want to keep them. It really bothers me that she has singled out my assistant. Her older daughter actually really likes my assistant and asks for her until she arrives each day so this is not an issue with the girls.

What would you all do? I am torn.
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laundrymom 05:39 AM 12-06-2015
I would respond
"thanks"
Then type up the termination letter to hand her.

Termination Notice for ::: (insert children's name)
Given by ::: ( parents name)
Date of notice
Last date of care
Reason:: Parent concerned about African American Assistant working with her children although assistant is qualified and well suited for environment.
Signed by::
(director)
(Parent)
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laundrymom 05:40 AM 12-06-2015
This behavior infuriates me. I do not tolerate racism of any sort. And the subtle way this mom is doing it is part of the problem with our world.
Reply
midaycare 07:01 AM 12-06-2015
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
I would respond
"thanks"
Then type up the termination letter to hand her.

Termination Notice for ::: (insert children's name)
Given by ::: ( parents name)
Date of notice
Last date of care
Reason:: Parent concerned about African American Assistant working with her children although assistant is qualified and well suited for environment.
Signed by::
(director)
(Parent)
I would not feel comfortable having this mother around the assistant. She could ruin her life if she started telling stories that weren't true.
Reply
Blackcat31 07:03 AM 12-06-2015
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
I would respond
"thanks"
Then type up the termination letter to hand her.

Termination Notice for ::: (insert children's name)
Given by ::: ( parents name)
Date of notice
Last date of care
Reason:: Parent concerned about African American Assistant working with her children although assistant is qualified and well suited for environment.
Signed by::
(director)
(Parent)
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
This behavior infuriates me. I do not tolerate racism of any sort. And the subtle way this mom is doing it is part of the problem with our world.


1000X


Laundrymom is spot on and I am appauled at your DCM veiled attempt at outright discrimination and bias.

I truly feel bad for her children if that is what she is teaching them to think/feel about others.

Like Laundrymom said... It exactly what's wrong in the world.
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Thriftylady 07:11 AM 12-06-2015
I agree with the others. She is just wrong.
Reply
Former Teacher 07:32 AM 12-06-2015
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
I would respond
"thanks"
Then type up the termination letter to hand her.

Termination Notice for ::: (insert children's name)
Given by ::: ( parents name)
Date of notice
Last date of care
Reason:: Parent concerned about African American Assistant working with her children although assistant is qualified and well suited for environment.
Signed by::
(director)
(Parent)
I totally agree!

However I am confused. Is your assistant African American or is the family?
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LysesKids 08:33 AM 12-06-2015
I assume you have in your written policies the non discrimination clause (it goes for employees too, not just the families in care so you might want to remind mom of this)... what if you had African American kids in care or even Muslim, would mom still be acting this way? And yes, I have refused to take on parents for this exact reason - they don't want to be around certain people they won't be offered a spot here. I would write up a term notice ASAP because it would make me uncomfortable having the family stay.
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Leigh 08:33 AM 12-06-2015
I have to agree with the others. DCM sounds like a ridiculous, racist, witch. I'd not be nice about it. I'd tell her very clearly that you won't deal with someone like HER and that you won't subject your very capable assistant to her, either. I'd tell her that she was out of line, and that no amount of apologies is going to make it right. I'd let her go today, and waive the 2 weeks, and let her know that it was because I never wanted to see her again.
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spedmommy4 08:39 AM 12-06-2015
Originally Posted by Former Teacher:
I totally agree!

However I am confused. Is your assistant African American or is the family?
Assistant is African American. The family is Hispanic. The whole situation rubbed me the wrong way but I thought maybe I was over reacting.

It is unfortunate because we all really like her girls here.(Especially my assistant ). It's going to be even more uncomfortable because I'm probably going to run into this mom after I term because she will still be in my circle of childcare professional friends. (The mutual friend we have also owns her own business)
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spedmommy4 08:48 AM 12-06-2015
Originally Posted by LysesKids:
I assume you have in your written policies the non discrimination clause (it goes for employees too, not just the families in care so you might want to remind mom of this)... what if you had African American kids in care or even Muslim, would mom still be acting this way? And yes, I have refused to take on parents for this exact reason - they don't want to be around certain people they won't be offered a spot here. I would write up a term notice ASAP because it would make me uncomfortable having the family stay.
I do!! And I have an incredibly diverse group right now. Kids from Pakistan, kids who are Hispanic, African American, Italian, and white. I live in a very racially diverse city and this family (according to their enrollment packet) lives in a tough neighborhood. They would be surrounded by diversity where they live.

Dcm has seen all the kids and NEVER expressed similar concerns over her daughter playing with any of them. I don't understand why it seems to be isolated to the adult in our group.
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childcaremom 09:41 AM 12-06-2015
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
I would respond
"thanks"
Then type up the termination letter to hand her.

Termination Notice for ::: (insert children's name)
Given by ::: ( parents name)
Date of notice
Last date of care
Reason:: Parent concerned about African American Assistant working with her children although assistant is qualified and well suited for environment.
Signed by::
(director)
(Parent)
I agree and I would make the term immediate.
Reply
Former Teacher 12:22 PM 12-06-2015
Originally Posted by spedmommy4:
Assistant is African American. The family is Hispanic. The whole situation rubbed me the wrong way but I thought maybe I was over reacting.

It is unfortunate because we all really like her girls here.(Especially my assistant ). It's going to be even more uncomfortable because I'm probably going to run into this mom after I term because she will still be in my circle of childcare professional friends. (The mutual friend we have also owns her own business)
Thank you. I only asked because in your first post you put that she was Caucasian.

Doesn't matter. I still agree that you need to let this family GO like yesterday.
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Play Care 12:27 PM 12-06-2015
Originally Posted by Former Teacher:
Thank you. I only asked because in your first post you put that she was Caucasian.

Doesn't matter. I still agree that you need to let this family GO like yesterday.
No, she said the mom complained to her other (Caucasian) assistant about the African Amercian assistant.
I had to read it twice
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Thriftylady 12:42 PM 12-06-2015
I don't even understand how in this day and age we still have these issues. I was raised not to see color I guess, but you would think with all of our diversity, this wouldn't be an issue.
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spedmommy4 12:54 PM 12-06-2015
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:


1000X


Laundrymom is spot on and I am appauled at your DCM veiled attempt at outright discrimination and bias.

I truly feel bad for her children if that is what she is teaching them to think/feel about others.

Like Laundrymom said... It exactly what's wrong in the world.
I agree. This whole situation makes me even more upset because I happen to know this family somewhat personally and never would have seen this coming.

Even worse, dcm is currently pursuing a degree in education. So . . . The optimist in me kept hoping I was just misinterpreting the situation.
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Blackcat31 02:03 PM 12-06-2015
Originally Posted by spedmommy4:
I agree. This whole situation makes me even more upset because I happen to know this family somewhat personally and never would have seen this coming.

Even worse, dcm is currently pursuing a degree in education. So . . . The optimist in me kept hoping I was just misinterpreting the situation.
Since you are friends I would talk with her too and try to help her see why her attitude is so not okay and one she'll need to rethink not only for her kids but also if she is planning to be in the education field especially.

I can't help but hope she has another explanation... It's hard to accept such outright insensitivity.

As for seeing her in social circles, she should be the one who feels uncomfortable.
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DaveA 05:13 AM 12-07-2015
Agree- Laundrymom put it just about as well as could be.

Time to part ways ASAP
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Ariana 11:22 AM 12-07-2015
Do you know for sure this is because she is black? You might have an opportunity here to educate her. It seems weird that a Hispanic person would be racist against another minority

I don't know, this all seems so bizarre. I just can't believe that people can be like this...especially if they also identify as a minority group who is often marginalized.

Maybe she just wants them to be with you and is protective of that? Maybe she just thinks you are a better teacher and is worried because this person is not like you in regards to teaching style? Who knows what might have gone on while you were on vacay.
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spedmommy4 12:44 PM 12-07-2015
Originally Posted by Ariana:
Do you know for sure this is because she is black? You might have an opportunity here to educate her. It seems weird that a Hispanic person would be racist against another minority

I don't know, this all seems so bizarre. I just can't believe that people can be like this...especially if they also identify as a minority group who is often marginalized.

Maybe she just wants them to be with you and is protective of that? Maybe she just thinks you are a better teacher and is worried because this person is not like you in regards to teaching style? Who knows what might have gone on while you were on vacay.
Dcm has casually mentioned a concern about this assistant before. Two things seemed to be of concern:
Dcm is firm and no nonsense. My assistant is sweet and is still learning that it's okay to use your firm voice sometimes. The difference in style was not something dcm seemed to like but my assistant is still in training. Learning to handle tough behavior doesn't happen overnight. I assured her we also all use the same strategies and I will step in if necessary.

The other one was that my assistant had never worked with or held a baby before working here so she was a little nervous with dcm's younger daughter. (10 months) I think baby sensed that and, as a result, was reluctant to go to my assistant. Baby didn't cry or anything but was hesitant and dcm noticed one morning. Dcm and I discussed it. I never left my assistant alone until she was confident with the baby and the baby goes to her no problem now.

The only indication that I had that this whole situation was discriminatory was dcm's comment about dcg2 not liking my new assistant because "dcg has never seen people that color before." At the time dcm made the comment, according to all the adults who were present at the time, dcg was playing happily with my new assistant.

I am sure that things did not flow as smoothly as they do when I am here, but I have observed dcg playing happily with my assistant daily for weeks. Then suddenly, dcg comes in this morning and the first thing out of her mouth is, "I don't like Miss ----." Dcg has never said anything like that before. An hour later, dcg was back to playing happily with my assistant. I wasn't certain before but, dcg's comment this morning went a long way in convincing me.

Even if this is just a case of dcm not liking my assistant, this is not how adults behave/treat one another.
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Thriftylady 12:52 PM 12-07-2015
Originally Posted by spedmommy4:
Dcm has casually mentioned a concern about this assistant before. Two things seemed to be of concern:
Dcm is firm and no nonsense. My assistant is sweet and is still learning that it's okay to use your firm voice sometimes. The difference in style was not something dcm seemed to like but my assistant is still in training. Learning to handle tough behavior doesn't happen overnight. I assured her we also all use the same strategies and I will step in if necessary.

The other one was that my assistant had never worked with or held a baby before working here so she was a little nervous with dcm's younger daughter. (10 months) I think baby sensed that and, as a result, was reluctant to go to my assistant. Baby didn't cry or anything but was hesitant and dcm noticed one morning. Dcm and I discussed it. I never left my assistant alone until she was confident with the baby and the baby goes to her no problem now.

The only indication that I had that this whole situation was discriminatory was dcm's comment about dcg2 not liking my new assistant because "dcg has never seen people that color before." At the time dcm made the comment, according to all the adults who were present at the time, dcg was playing happily with my new assistant.

I am sure that things did not flow as smoothly as they do when I am here, but I have observed dcg playing happily with my assistant daily for weeks. Then suddenly, dcg comes in this morning and the first thing out of her mouth is, "I don't like Miss ----." Dcg has never said anything like that before. An hour later, dcg was back to playing happily with my assistant. I wasn't certain before but, dcg's comment this morning went a long way in convincing me.

Even if this is just a case of dcm not liking my assistant, this is not how adults behave/treat one another.
No it isn't and to visit it on a child and teach them that is even worse. Poor kiddo.
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daycare 01:13 PM 12-07-2015
I have to deal with this first hand, as my whole family is very diverse.

I am from Egypt
My husband from Philippines
My oldest who is adopted is black, he is not from africa, so he says he is not african america. his words that I follow.

My ex is from europe, our daughter is as white as they come

my youngest is part egyptian and part Philippines.

I have had parents tell me that their child is not used to being around people who look like me or my oldest child. I don't take offense to it, it is possible that they don't experience diversity like others do. I tell parents that is ok, I will be more than happy to teach them that even though we are different we are all the same.

I have only ever had one real issue regarding race and they were a prospective family that I just didn't take.

However, I have had tons of questions.

Since you were not there to witness it and hear directly from the dcm I would not just jump to conclusion that the mom was being racist.


Have you talked to dcm at all?
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spedmommy4 01:37 PM 12-07-2015
Originally Posted by daycare:
I have to deal with this first hand, as my whole family is very diverse.

I am from Egypt
My husband from Philippines
My oldest who is adopted is black, he is not from africa, so he says he is not african america. his words that I follow.

My ex is from europe, our daughter is as white as they come

my youngest is part egyptian and part Philippines.

I have had parents tell me that their child is not used to being around people who look like me or my oldest child. I don't take offense to it, it is possible that they don't experience diversity like others do. I tell parents that is ok, I will be more than happy to teach them that even though we are different we are all the same.

I have only ever had one real issue regarding race and they were a prospective family that I just didn't take.

However, I have had tons of questions.

Since you were not there to witness it and hear directly from the dcm I would not just jump to conclusion that the mom was being racist.


Have you talked to dcm at all?
It could have been a harmless comment. The thing that bothers me in this whole situation is that dcg likes the assistant and dcm insists that dcg doesn't like her.

Dcm and I talked at length on Saturday. The primary concern that she expressed to me was that her girls did not seem to like my new assistant. I countered that I had observed her girls have bonded well with my assistant, and while the girls certainly still have preferred teachers, they have never demonstrated discomfort. Yet, mom keeps insisting the girls are really unhappy with my new assistant. It's just bizarre.

By the end of the conversation Saturday, dcm seemed to have let it go . . . And then dcg came in and said she didn't like my assistant for the first time ever. I just have a feeling this issue is going to keep coming back.
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daycare 02:34 PM 12-07-2015
I see this from a whole different perspective than everyone else I guess.

I would just tell dcm that if you are not comfortable with my assistant then we are not the right fit for your family. If she wants her kids to keep coming, then she needs to make certain that she does not feed into it any more.

Being that the assistant is so new, I would maybe sit down with her and ask here if there is anything that that would cause the children not to like her. I have kids tell their parents they don't like me. I will call them out in front of their parents and they will say something stupid like I don't like MIss. N. because she makes me be good. OMG REALLY!!!

this could be something as simple as that it's all just getting blown out of proportion.
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spedmommy4 04:29 PM 12-07-2015
Originally Posted by daycare:
I see this from a whole different perspective than everyone else I guess.

I would just tell dcm that if you are not comfortable with my assistant then we are not the right fit for your family. If she wants her kids to keep coming, then she needs to make certain that she does not feed into it any more.

Being that the assistant is so new, I would maybe sit down with her and ask here if there is anything that that would cause the children not to like her. I have kids tell their parents they don't like me. I will call them out in front of their parents and they will say something stupid like I don't like MIss. N. because she makes me be good. OMG REALLY!!!

this could be something as simple as that it's all just getting blown out of proportion.
True. I think I will take this approach. Whatever the reason, if she is not comfortable with my assistant, dcm needs to find a new program.
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daycare 04:53 PM 12-07-2015
unless dcm said the words that she does not like your assistant because of her color, the I would be very certain to not make it about that at all.

You don't want this to take a bad turn.

plain and simple I would just tell dcm if she is not comfortable with your assistant then she needs to find another program. It is your choice who you hire....

hope that this all works out for you.
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daycarediva 09:57 AM 12-08-2015
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:


1000X


Laundrymom is spot on and I am appauled at your DCM veiled attempt at outright discrimination and bias.

I truly feel bad for her children if that is what she is teaching them to think/feel about others.

Like Laundrymom said... It exactly what's wrong in the world.


Originally Posted by Ariana:
Do you know for sure this is because she is black? You might have an opportunity here to educate her. It seems weird that a Hispanic person would be racist against another minority

I don't know, this all seems so bizarre. I just can't believe that people can be like this...especially if they also identify as a minority group who is often marginalized.

Maybe she just wants them to be with you and is protective of that? Maybe she just thinks you are a better teacher and is worried because this person is not like you in regards to teaching style? Who knows what might have gone on while you were on vacay.
half cuban, and this is a very common misconception. I grew up in a very diverse, low income area and blacks/hispanics generally did not get along at all. Hispanics/blacks can be just as racist as white people. I've been called names by both black and hispanics. Either derogatory at my mixed race, or towards my being white.

I would have a sit down and specifically ask if the issues persists or if DCM is fine with the situation and wants to continue care. Depending on her wording, I would keep/term immediately.
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Ariana 10:47 AM 12-08-2015
Originally Posted by daycarediva:




half cuban, and this is a very common misconception. I grew up in a very diverse, low income area and blacks/hispanics generally did not get along at all. Hispanics/blacks can be just as racist as white people. I've been called names by both black and hispanics. Either derogatory at my mixed race, or towards my being white.

I would have a sit down and specifically ask if the issues persists or if DCM is fine with the situation and wants to continue care. Depending on her wording, I would keep/term immediately.
Ahhh!! Had no idea and thanks so much for that perspective. It makes no sense but then again does racism ever make sense?!
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mommiebookworm 09:17 PM 12-08-2015
I feel so bad for you and your assistant! Does your assistant know that dcm has said/done all this?
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Baby Beluga 09:05 AM 12-09-2015
Originally Posted by mommiebookworm:
I feel so bad for you and your assistant! Does your assistant know that dcm has said/done all this?
I also wondered this too and was curious as to how your assistant felt.
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snbauser 11:41 AM 12-09-2015
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
half cuban, and this is a very common misconception. I grew up in a very diverse, low income area and blacks/hispanics generally did not get along at all. Hispanics/blacks can be just as racist as white people. I've been called names by both black and hispanics. Either derogatory at my mixed race, or towards my being white.
Yes. I had an hispanic family who was with me for almost a year with nothing but raves about me and my program. Then one day they picked up shortly after I hired a new teacher who was african american and the next day my facility was suddenly too far out of their way.
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Tags:assistant, parent problem, racism
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