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craftymissbeth 08:07 PM 09-26-2013
I need help with my ds. I badly need help... I am beyond frustrated that I'm near tears. I'm so sorry if this is long.

He's 6 and in the first grade. We (mainly me) have had problems with his behavior since he was about 3. He tells me "no" for every single thing I ask of him. It feels like it's a habitual thing, but he sticks to it and doesn't waiver. He simply downright refuses to do anything I ask without a fight. It's a rare day that he says "ok, mom" and just does it.

He screams... a lot. Not only during arguments, but also just randomly. He will yell out or screech at random times while he's playing. When he does it out of nowhere it's like a high pitched "meh" or "aaah". I'm cringing just thinking about the sounds he makes

He seems to find a target and just bug them until they can't take it anymore... both children and adults! Kind of like "I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you". I'm fairly positive he drives my family insane.

He has no problems at school and is pretty much a model student. He is kind to his friends when they are here and seems to save his problem behavior for family.

Discipline wise I try so hard to be consistent, but I'm exhausted. Ive grounded him for several weeks and it doesn't phase him. At one point I bagged up ALL of his toys and threw them in the garage! He didn't care one bit. DH and I both spank him and for DH he will cry and say sorry, but for me he literally sits there calmly and TRIES NOT TO LAUGH!

Just today I spanked him and told him to go to his room and he grabbed the closest thing to him and threw it. It was his Lego creation that he'd been working on and was so proud of. He didn't care. He will grab and destroy whatever is in his way while in a fit of rage. He kicks and hits the walls.

I have not mentioned any of this to his doctor... I have been certain (and DH certainly still believes) that this is all my fault. I discipline consistently. I AM tough on him when I feel he needs it.. which lately is so often. But he sees me baby him (while he's good, of course) and feels that is the cause of all of this. He IS my baby and will always be my ONLY baby, but I'm well aware of when to give him lovin's and when not to.


I desperately need help and you all have been so great with all of your knowledge. I'm so tired of feeling like a bad mother and that I've let my child down.
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se7en 08:28 PM 09-26-2013
So sorry you are going through this. The first thing I am curious about is why haven`t you mentioned this to his dr. ? He\ she is a valuable source of information and referrals. Secondly, when he is being calm, can you sit down with him and have him draw you some pictures ? Something is maybe going on and he is having a problem localizing it. Ask him to draw some pics of your family, of his teachers, his school friends. While he does this, you could also draw some pics of the family, your house, the daycare children, etc. Then maybe draw something like your car and say " this is my car, but I wish I had THIS car. " and draw a different car, or something in that ilk. He may share what bothering him through this exercise. Try it every day when he is relaxed. Or take him out to dinner and do that while you are waiting for the food. But also please mention it to his dr. Also contact his teacher or a school counselor. They may have some insight on what is going on. Good luck.
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BABYLUVER 08:39 PM 09-26-2013
My daughter is exactly like that. We DID tell the peds dr and she was not concerned, however gave us a referral to a counselor at my insistence. The counselor said no real problems with her, she's just trying to find her independence and will do what she can get away with. It's EXHAUSTING to say the least that whenever you have something that you need her to do, she pitches a major fit. She likes to scream, cry, hit, and she's mean to everyone. There are days I'm not sure I even like her! She is by far my hardest-ever child. My son was like her for awhile but mellowed out around 8 years old and now is much better. He is extremely sensitive so every once in awhile he acts like a fool. But SHE just takes the cake. I have never seen a child behave so horribly until I met her. She was the first of my kids to EVER give me a hard time in a public venue as well. I remember she wanted to sit by me at dinner but it wasn't her turn (kids have to rotate so that everyone gets a turn) and she started crying. I didn't even know what to do! It was the first time it happened. She's extraordinarily jealous of EVERYTHING the other kids get/see/do/have that she doesn't get to do even if she had not a single inkling to do it/have it before!

I decided to sign her up for a few things where she HAS to be a part of a team and learn that sometimes, she can't do what she wants, but has to do what is necessary to be successful and that sometimes, even that will not always mean she 'wins' everything. I am PRAYING it works, because I'm at my wits end. She is ALSO six years old. My other concern with her? She's influencing her twin brother a little bit as well and he's become more whiny and talks back more than he did before. He's just kind of started it recently where SHE has been doing it since age 2yo.

I wish I had answers for you, but truthfully, I'm still searching for answers of my own. Peds dr says normal, counselor says normal, teachers say normal for this age....I hope it's a "phase" in young childhood that she outgrows at some point. I did notice now that we've moved into a bigger house where she can have her own space, SOME improvement, however, she's taking some of her anger issues out at school on the playground and isn't being as nice as she should be to her friends.

It makes me wonder why I ever chose to be a parent, sometimes, because I feel like somehow we are failing her and she will really do something crazy!
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Heidi 09:09 PM 09-26-2013
The only thing that jumps out at me right off the bat is that with a child like this, I would never spank.

To me, a spanking or "swat" is an exclamation point. Something you might do with a pretty young child who is doing something dangerous or blatant and has been duly warned.

Please don't think I'm criticizing...I am sure you are doing what you have always thought is best. But, it's not working, so I'm offering another perspective.

A child who has any violent tendencies...throwing things, breaking things, hitting; does not need any reinforcement about "this is how we handle things". Spanking is not going to work with a child like this. In fact, it's probably making the situation worse.

Your son sounds very bright and persistent. Spending hours building a Lego creations demonstrates that. So, you have a bright, persistent child. A child who is easily frustrated and then lashes out.

I grew up with a friend like that, and his parents tried to spank it out of him. He's 50 now and still angry all the time.

It's late so I can't answer any more tonight, but I'll see if I can find some links tomorrow and come up with some ideas. I'm sure the other ladies (and gents) here will have some insights as well.
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craftymissbeth 06:42 AM 09-27-2013
Se7en - the reason I have never mentioned it to his doctor is because I basically feel ashamed that I have hurt my child in some way to make him like this. I felt (and still feel somewhat) that I can fix this. I will be making an appointment with his ped to see what he thinks.

Babyluver - This is what I'm afraid of with ds's doc. I don't want to go in there and have him look at me like i have two heads. I'm so sorry you're going through this, too, and I hope you are able to get things figured out. It's beyond frustrating!

Heidi - yes, I do agree that spanking isn't helpful, but NOTHING is. Besides the fact that I know it's doing no good DH refuses to believe that anything else will work. If he refuses to change what he's doing and continues to spank then I feel as though I have to as well. If anything we at least have to be consistent. I do wholeheartedly agree with you, though.
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craftymissbeth 06:49 AM 09-27-2013
I do want to add that he doesn't behave like this 100% of the time. There are triggers, but despite everything I've tried he still melts into a puddle of angry emotions. Things like too much going on around him, crowds, being tired or hungry, coming from school to home etc. are a few things that set him off. it's like he gets a little out of control and it quickly snowballs into him being so out of control that there is no salvaging it. He just cannot calm down. It can easily go on for hours even when he's alone in his room.
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Cradle2crayons 07:04 AM 09-27-2013
Originally Posted by craftymissbeth:
I do want to add that he doesn't behave like this 100% of the time. There are triggers, but despite everything I've tried he still melts into a puddle of angry emotions. Things like too much going on around him, crowds, being tired or hungry, coming from school to home etc. are a few things that set him off. it's like he gets a little out of control and it quickly snowballs into him being so out of control that there is no salvaging it. He just cannot calm down. It can easily go on for hours even when he's alone in his room.
The only red flag I see is that he has model behavior at school.


The good part about this is at apparently he DOES know appropriate behavior. And that's a very positive thing.

As a mom of an abbreviated child (my loving term for my daughter with too many abbreviations in her diagnoses) its easy to think you can fix this.

I would DEFINATELY mention is to his pediatrician. But I would be very honest no matter how hard it is. The doc needs to know e differences in behavior so they can help yu guys appropriately.
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countrymom 07:10 AM 09-27-2013
also, is he getting enough sleep, and getting enough food. I would also do a week journal and write down the triggers.

and as for the spanking, don't worry about it, sometimes you have to because nothing else works.

also talk to your dr and see what he says, I think the thing that I find wierd is the screaming. Children shouldn't just scream out of the blue. You need to mention this to the dr.

also, is he involved in activities this may help too. Like soccer or gymnastics.
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tratliff 07:11 AM 09-27-2013
You need the Natural Child Project. http://www.naturalchild.org/articles..._guidance.html
When was the last time you were shamed, humiliated, or hurt, and you actually felt more-cooperative? Nope, never. I'm not trying to start a debate but spanking have been proven psychologically harmful and have been proven to have to long-term positive effects. The only positive effect is immediate behavior correction. Seriously, I have been researching this for years and there is insurmountable evidence showing spanking does more harm than good. If you did something your DH didn't like and he destroyed something you cared about, would you not be pissed at him? Would you "learn your lesson"? I'm not trying to be harsh because I understand that you are having a difficult time and it's affecting your family in a negative way. But, if you can see that the way you're doing things is not working, don't continue doing the same thing and expecting different results. We all expect so much of our children but don't hold ourselves to the same standards... For instance, I ask my son to do something, and my ego tells me he needs to do it right now. Not for safety or anything, but because I said so and I'm his mom. Well, DS is engaged in some activity and doesn't want to stop. I get angry, he doesn't listen, meltdown ensues. Instead, try viewing everything from a different perspective. I am cooking dinner. DS comes to me and needs something. I am busy and think that he can wait. He wants me to do it right now and I don't comply. How is this any different than the first situation but with the roles reversed? I can't hold my son to a higher standard than I hold myself. I have to respect that he is a person, too. People deserve respect, and children are people too. Starting very young with my son, I have always tried to treat him with respect. To allow him some control over his life. If I were you, I would start doing some research online. Reading as much as possible, about every topic related to discipline, punishment, and parenting. Read with an open-mind. You will find things that you love, things you hate, and things that you are curious about. But, with an open- mind, you might be able to view things differently than you ever have before.
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Heidi 07:21 AM 09-27-2013
I agree with C2C. Your family doctor should refer you to a specialist who can either give you strategies to help your son or help find the cause.

Also, although consistency is important, it serves no purpose if it's destructive in the long run.

If you were both trying to put out a fire by throwing lighter fluid on it, you certainly wouldn't say "well, we have to be consistent". To further the metaphor, your son is starting the fires, and instead of teaching him how to put fires out, you're essentially fueling them.

I realize that your husband is doing the only thing that he knows how to do. It's not "this is best", it's "this is the only thing I can think of because nothing else works, either". But, spanking is NOT working, or you'd have a perfect by now.

There are all sorts of reasons your son could be having these meltdowns. My 2nd son got weepy when his blood sugar was low. We learned as he got older that if he started to feel like that, a small serving of chocolate milk or a slice of toast with p. butter helped. As an older kid, he learned to anticipate that and listen to his body before he got funky.

Other kids have issues with diet, maybe aren't getting good quality sleep, or just need some help learning how to properly channel frustrations. You need to talk to your doctor a.s.a.p.! Please don't be embarrassed. You are your son's advocate, and you will be letting him down if you don't explore every solution!

So, stop beating yourself up about what you are doing wrong, and do what you know you should be doing right. Get help!
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Unregistered 07:35 AM 09-27-2013
Originally Posted by craftymissbeth:
I need help with my ds. I badly need help... I am beyond frustrated that I'm near tears. I'm so sorry if this is long.

He's 6 and in the first grade. We (mainly me) have had problems with his behavior since he was about 3. He tells me "no" for every single thing I ask of him. It feels like it's a habitual thing, but he sticks to it and doesn't waiver. He simply downright refuses to do anything I ask without a fight. It's a rare day that he says "ok, mom" and just does it.

He screams... a lot. Not only during arguments, but also just randomly. He will yell out or screech at random times while he's playing. When he does it out of nowhere it's like a high pitched "meh" or "aaah". I'm cringing just thinking about the sounds he makes

He seems to find a target and just bug them until they can't take it anymore... both children and adults! Kind of like "I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you". I'm fairly positive he drives my family insane.

He has no problems at school and is pretty much a model student. He is kind to his friends when they are here and seems to save his problem behavior for family.

Discipline wise I try so hard to be consistent, but I'm exhausted. Ive grounded him for several weeks and it doesn't phase him. At one point I bagged up ALL of his toys and threw them in the garage! He didn't care one bit. DH and I both spank him and for DH he will cry and say sorry, but for me he literally sits there calmly and TRIES NOT TO LAUGH!

Just today I spanked him and told him to go to his room and he grabbed the closest thing to him and threw it. It was his Lego creation that he'd been working on and was so proud of. He didn't care. He will grab and destroy whatever is in his way while in a fit of rage. He kicks and hits the walls.

I have not mentioned any of this to his doctor... I have been certain (and DH certainly still believes) that this is all my fault. I discipline consistently. I AM tough on him when I feel he needs it.. which lately is so often. But he sees me baby him (while he's good, of course) and feels that is the cause of all of this. He IS my baby and will always be my ONLY baby, but I'm well aware of when to give him lovin's and when not to.


I desperately need help and you all have been so great with all of your knowledge. I'm so tired of feeling like a bad mother and that I've let my child down.
I know exactly how you feel! I don't know if you saw or read but I am the OP of the out of control child from a few weeks ago. I was at my wits end! We had been to every doctor in the area and no one could figure out what was going on. She was finally diagnosed! Since the diagnosis things have gotten so much better. We now have a treatment plan, which has helped a lot! Still have bad days but no where near as bad! I would highly suggest talking to your ped. It can be very hard to do it because you feel like in a way you have failed but you have not! You are a wonderful mother!!
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Willow 07:51 AM 09-27-2013
The biggest difference between school and home life is typically structure. How structured is his home life? My son struggles in the same way at times, and I know it helps tremendously to whip up a minute by minute schedule for him when he starts to get out of whack. Not just a after school he has snack and dinner and bedtime are at the same time but a detailed, this is what he does from 4-5pm, this is what he does from 5-5:30 type deal. He gets out of whack at the suggestion of free play or trying to manage his own activities. Iswear he goes looking for trouble if he gets overwhelmed with having too many options and it can quickly deteriorate our evening family time.

I think he could easily be diagnosed with ADHD but with time managment he thrives so we've never sought professional help. I saw the same stark contrast between home and school, made the connection, and it's really made all the difference.

(He's 9 and in 4th grade but I could see it plain as day as early as kindy).
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mama0609 08:28 AM 09-27-2013
First off I'm glad I'm not alone in this, yet sad that there are others going through it too. My 7 year old is a lot like yours. He behaves at school and at friends' houses, basically everywhere I'm not around and it breaks my heart. He thrives on structure and as much as I try I cant do 100% structure at home and I feel like I shouldn't have to, he needs to learn how to behave in less structure. He literally doesn't know how to entertain himself. If left with nothing to do he will go looking for trouble, pester his brother, throw and kick balls in the house, etc. I take him outside and play with him everyday, he is involved in every sport, which he loves and is really good at. I'm hoping that someday he will grow out of this,that's the only thing getting me through.
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spud912 08:31 AM 09-27-2013
I too have a child who can be defiant. I've found a lot of her defiant times are due to other factors (she is sleepy, she is hungry, she feels as if someone did her wrong). I have found through trial and error that different methods work for different behaviors and I try to tailor my responses accordingly. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to keep an open mind of different solutions for different problems AND try your hardest to keep your patience.
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spud912 08:36 AM 09-27-2013
Originally Posted by Willow:
The biggest difference between school and home life is typically structure. How structured is his home life? My son struggles in the same way at times, and I know it helps tremendously to whip up a minute by minute schedule for him when he starts to get out of whack. Not just a after school he has snack and dinner and bedtime are at the same time but a detailed, this is what he does from 4-5pm, this is what he does from 5-5:30 type deal. He gets out of whack at the suggestion of free play or trying to manage his own activities. Iswear he goes looking for trouble if he gets overwhelmed with having too many options and it can quickly deteriorate our evening family time.

I think he could easily be diagnosed with ADHD but with time managment he thrives so we've never sought professional help. I saw the same stark contrast between home and school, made the connection, and it's really made all the difference.

(He's 9 and in 4th grade but I could see it plain as day as early as kindy).
I've found that most children behave differently from a caregiver/teacher versus their parents. I think in many cases it has to do with the environment and schedule, but I think it mostly has to do with a child acting differently for another adult. How many of us act a little different, more refined, when we are in a professional workplace or training/school versus our behavior at home? I guarantee that 90% of people (children included) act more appropriately. Home is the place of comfort, where you can act yourself.

I've given up on the fact that my daughter acts better for others because in all honesty, they are not her parents. She isn't going to challenge them in the same way she challenges me.
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Willow 08:41 AM 09-27-2013
Originally Posted by mama0609:
First off I'm glad I'm not alone in this, yet sad that there are others going through it too. My 7 year old is a lot like yours. He behaves at school and at friends' houses, basically everywhere I'm not around and it breaks my heart. He thrives on structure and as much as I try I cant do 100% structure at home and I feel like I shouldn't have to, he needs to learn how to behave in less structure. He literally doesn't know how to entertain himself. If left with nothing to do he will go looking for trouble, pester his brother, throw and kick balls in the house, etc. I take him outside and play with him everyday, he is involved in every sport, which he loves and is really good at. I'm hoping that someday he will grow out of this,that's the only thing getting me through.
Learning is a process though, not merely a destination

Learning to behave in less structured environments cannot be achieved by most kids like this without a tapered approach. You give a little, but not all, to work up to the goal. All growing brains are different merely hoping for while demanding compliance for all will rarely net the results you're after. If all is too much at some point you scale back, and work your way up.
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spud912 08:42 AM 09-27-2013
Originally Posted by tratliff:
You need the Natural Child Project. http://www.naturalchild.org/articles..._guidance.html
When was the last time you were shamed, humiliated, or hurt, and you actually felt more-cooperative? Nope, never. I'm not trying to start a debate but spanking have been proven psychologically harmful and have been proven to have to long-term positive effects. The only positive effect is immediate behavior correction. Seriously, I have been researching this for years and there is insurmountable evidence showing spanking does more harm than good. If you did something your DH didn't like and he destroyed something you cared about, would you not be pissed at him? Would you "learn your lesson"? I'm not trying to be harsh because I understand that you are having a difficult time and it's affecting your family in a negative way. But, if you can see that the way you're doing things is not working, don't continue doing the same thing and expecting different results. We all expect so much of our children but don't hold ourselves to the same standards... For instance, I ask my son to do something, and my ego tells me he needs to do it right now. Not for safety or anything, but because I said so and I'm his mom. Well, DS is engaged in some activity and doesn't want to stop. I get angry, he doesn't listen, meltdown ensues. Instead, try viewing everything from a different perspective. I am cooking dinner. DS comes to me and needs something. I am busy and think that he can wait. He wants me to do it right now and I don't comply. How is this any different than the first situation but with the roles reversed? I can't hold my son to a higher standard than I hold myself. I have to respect that he is a person, too. People deserve respect, and children are people too. Starting very young with my son, I have always tried to treat him with respect. To allow him some control over his life. If I were you, I would start doing some research online. Reading as much as possible, about every topic related to discipline, punishment, and parenting. Read with an open-mind. You will find things that you love, things you hate, and things that you are curious about. But, with an open- mind, you might be able to view things differently than you ever have before.
I completely agree that you should treat your child with respect and they will respect you more. However, there are many circumstances (such as your example), where your child should not expect the same behavior out of an adult as how they should be treated. For example, a child asks you for something when you're busy and you tell them in a minute. Well as an adult you could be standing over a stove where the dinner is being made for everyone....you can't step away just to please your own child. In the case of asking your child to step away from their toys, it's completely different because you may have more pressing things for them to do. You are the adult and know what's best for everyone.....a child innately only knows what's best for them. While they should be treated with respect, they should also be compliant with the parents demands.
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Willow 08:46 AM 09-27-2013
Originally Posted by spud912:

I've given up on the fact that my daughter acts better for others because in all honesty, they are not her parents. She isn't going to challenge them in the same way she challenges me.

I don't disagree with you there.

And that difference is one of the trademarks of a fantastic bond so it's hard to see it as a complete negative
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Heidi 08:53 AM 09-27-2013
Originally Posted by spud912:
I completely agree that you should treat your child with respect and they will respect you more. However, there are many circumstances (such as your example), where your child should not expect the same behavior out of an adult as how they should be treated. For example, a child asks you for something when you're busy and you tell them in a minute. Well as an adult you could be standing over a stove where the dinner is being made for everyone....you can't step away just to please your own child. In the case of asking your child to step away from their toys, it's completely different because you may have more pressing things for them to do. You are the adult and know what's best for everyone.....a child innately only knows what's best for them. While they should be treated with respect, they should also be compliant with the parents demands.


I agree it's about balance. I show my kids tons of respect for the fact that they are my equal emotionally. Their feelings are the same as mine; love, anger, joy, crabbiness, creativity.

However, they are not my equal when it comes to life experience, and they don't have the responsibilities we adults do. They don't have to worry if there's food on the table, a roof over their head. That is provided for them. With responsibility comes a new set of rights. The right to say "because I said so" now and then.

So, I see giving a heads up that it's time for dinner soon as a kindness, not as something they are entitled to. Playing a computer game does not equal my spending 45 minutes preparing a meal. Building a Lego tower, while valid and important to them, does not equal me working 11 hours each day to make sure they eat and have things.

I guess I consider myself the benevolent ruler around here.
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craftymissbeth 10:12 AM 09-27-2013
I didn't mean to seem like I don't want to stop spanking him... I'm so ready to try something new. Ill explain a little about how I handle unacceptable behavior... I'm afraid I've come off as spanking is all I do.

If he has done something wrong or has downright refused to do what is expected of him then he gets ONE redo. That's his chance to think again about his choice and how that choice is going to affect him. Sometimes he changes his choice, but usually he holds his ground. If his choice is unacceptable, then I remind him of the consequence (extra chores, lose a privilege, etc.) and then follow through. I still expect the original request to be taken care of, but by now he's out of control. I keep calm up until this point, but this is where my patience runs thin.

One thing that I tell him every time he's tantrum ing is that it's ok that he's angry, but the way he's handling it is not. I never, ever try to reason with him or negotiate while he's out of control. And I NEVER spank him while he's tantrum ing or for tantrum ing.

As far as trying to avoid his triggers.. I know that he's starving by the time he comes home from school so his snack is ALWAYS waiting for him at the table. He is allowed to eat his snack, but must immediately take the dog out as soon as he's finished. After that, he's free to decompress for awhile before his other chores and homework are to be done. He takes a bath and then cuddles with us while we talk and watch some tv. Then bedtime is 8:30 and he wakes up at 6:45. I know what situations are going to be tough and do my best to work out how to avoid meltdowns.

As far as research goes... I'm a natural researcher and I crave learning new things. As soon as I have a problem or question the first thing I do is start researching.

In response to tratliff:
I AM the boss in my home. My child will NOT demand my attention while I'm busy. I agree with Heidi and Spud.


What am I doing wrong with the above?
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Heidi 10:38 AM 09-27-2013
Originally Posted by craftymissbeth:
I didn't mean to seem like I don't want to stop spanking him... I'm so ready to try something new. Ill explain a little about how I handle unacceptable behavior... I'm afraid I've come off as spanking is all I do.

If he has done something wrong or has downright refused to do what is expected of him then he gets ONE redo. That's his chance to think again about his choice and how that choice is going to affect him. Sometimes he changes his choice, but usually he holds his ground. If his choice is unacceptable, then I remind him of the consequence (extra chores, lose a privilege, etc.) and then follow through. I still expect the original request to be taken care of, but by now he's out of control. I keep calm up until this point, but this is where my patience runs thin.

One thing that I tell him every time he's tantrum ing is that it's ok that he's angry, but the way he's handling it is not. I never, ever try to reason with him or negotiate while he's out of control. And I NEVER spank him while he's tantrum ing or for tantrum ing.

As far as trying to avoid his triggers.. I know that he's starving by the time he comes home from school so his snack is ALWAYS waiting for him at the table. He is allowed to eat his snack, but must immediately take the dog out as soon as he's finished. After that, he's free to decompress for awhile before his other chores and homework are to be done. He takes a bath and then cuddles with us while we talk and watch some tv. Then bedtime is 8:30 and he wakes up at 6:45. I know what situations are going to be tough and do my best to work out how to avoid meltdowns.

As far as research goes... I'm a natural researcher and I crave learning new things. As soon as I have a problem or question the first thing I do is start researching.

In response to tratliff:
I AM the boss in my home. My child will NOT demand my attention while I'm busy. I agree with Heidi and Spud.


What am I doing wrong with the above?
Sounds like you ARE doing all the right things.

I didn't think your "go to" response was spanking. I suspect that the threat sort of looms, though, that Dad will lay down the hammer in the end.

Without being there, it is hard to say. It SOUNDS like your dh thinks your too soft because you let the negotiations go on too long. It also sounds like maybe kiddo knows how to push your buttons, and some of the tantrums are meant to do just that.

We women tend to use too many words sometimes. We want to make it right, give them a chance. Your husband probably just cuts to the chase. Maybe somewhere in the middle, consistently from both of you, would help?

Personally, I'd just send him to his room immediately when he starts melting down. No more "I understand" or "you can be frustrated" while he's ramping up. Just GO! If he tears his room apart, so be it. Let it go on for as long as it does. When he's calm, THEN talk to him (I know you were angry, do you think that was the best way to handle it?).

Don't try to fix his stuff, either. He breaks it, he lives without it. He will learn eventually...
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craftymissbeth 10:55 AM 09-27-2013
Originally Posted by Heidi:
Sounds like you ARE doing all the right things.

I didn't think your "go to" response was spanking. I suspect that the threat sort of looms, though, that Dad will lay down the hammer in the end.

Without being there, it is hard to say. It SOUNDS like your dh thinks your too soft because you let the negotiations go on too long. It also sounds like maybe kiddo knows how to push your buttons, and some of the tantrums are meant to do just that.

We women tend to use too many words sometimes. We want to make it right, give them a chance. Your husband probably just cuts to the chase. Maybe somewhere in the middle, consistently from both of you, would help?

Personally, I'd just send him to his room immediately when he starts melting down. No more "I understand" or "you can be frustrated" while he's ramping up. Just GO! If he tears his room apart, so be it. Let it go on for as long as it does. When he's calm, THEN talk to him (I know you were angry, do you think that was the best way to handle it?).

Don't try to fix his stuff, either. He breaks it, he lives without it. He will learn eventually...
Thank you for your advice! It has definitely helped a lot
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Laurel 11:42 AM 09-27-2013
We used to have a punching bag in our garage but ours were a bit older. Not sure if 6 is too young for that or not. Our garage was right under our family room. Sometimes the whole family room floor would seem to vibrate but they got their anger out....

Laurel
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craftymissbeth 12:26 PM 09-27-2013
Originally Posted by Laurel:
We used to have a punching bag in our garage but ours were a bit older. Not sure if 6 is too young for that or not. Our garage was right under our family room. Sometimes the whole family room floor would seem to vibrate but they got their anger out....

Laurel
That's an awesome idea!
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Heidi 12:29 PM 09-27-2013
Originally Posted by craftymissbeth:
That's an awesome idea!


I think it's a balance between letting your anger out and just not being so angry sometimes, though.

My ex husband said once "I have an anger management problem" I said "No, you have an ANGER problem...you are always angry".

Reminds me of Dr. Banner's line in the last Avengers movie about "That's my secret...I'm always angry".
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Sunshine75 10:01 AM 09-30-2013
My son went through this between the ages of 6-8. He went to a counselor for several months and that really helped. What we learned is that spanking was causing him to not see our hands as loving but more as hurting. I would recommend using a spoon versus a hand. I did not agree with everything the counselor suggested and that is where going to a counselor causes you to be really sure about how you want to parent or it throws you through the ringer even more. We listened, took some advice and left the rest alone. One thing that really helped is that he mentioned that children don't really understand feelings and what they look like so he made a chart with different faces on it and taught our son what anger, happy, sad, frightened, etc looks like. It was a huge blessing because once he could connect a face with a feeling he could say Mom I am angry or I could ask are you angry, he would make a face and say yes. Now it has backfired on me because I can't tell you how many times he looks at my face and says, "are you frustrated"! Or Mom, you sure get frustrated alot! I explain it's how it is sometimes when you become an adult and life is not as simple. I would also recommend having him go to his room when you notice him starting to get upset. I would tell my son, "you need to go to your room now to cool down and when you can talk without being angry then let me know and we'll talk about how your feeling and thinking." Of course, first, he had to understand what anger was and looked like. He is now 10 and we are getting along and doing so much better. Keep your head up and stay strong. You know what is best as his parent. Also, please, please do not let your husband get away with making you feel like this is your fault. As you can see from the posts as far as the east is from the west, with different personalities and styles, as parents we all go through this.
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Unregistered 10:42 AM 09-30-2013
Here is you use anything but your hand for spanking it is considered abuse and CPS will get involved. I can't remember the whole story it was about a year ago but a mom used a spoon on her adopted 8 year old cps got involved and took the 8 year old and 3-4 other children out of the home.
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Cradle2crayons 10:44 AM 09-30-2013
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Here is you use anything but your hand for spanking it is considered abuse and CPS will get involved. I can't remember the whole story it was about a year ago but a mom used a spoon on her adopted 8 year old cps got involved and took the 8 year old and 3-4 other children out of the home.


The rare time I've spanked my two, its been hand only.

I do not agree with using objects in that manner.
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