Saying "No"... Among Other Issues - LONG

[TwinKristi]

So I have a DCB (21mos) who's here 4 days a week, occasionally 5, and he is very verbal. He will repeat just about anything you ask him to. He also has a 4yr old sister. So for the past few months its been getting increasingly worse but he is VERY bossy and yells "NO!" at the other kids here. Sometimes he just walks around saying "No no no no no!" to nobody at all. He yells at people to "Stop it!" or "You're mean!" and of course our favorite "Mine!" He is one of those kids who will reach over and take things out of another child's hands and when they get upset he runs "No no no, miiiine!" I have PLENTY of toys for everyone, multiples of many items, but he still insists upon yelling MINE and upsetting everyone. He leaves on Dec 20th and while I was initially VERY upset, now I'm just counting down the days because he's become such a... terror. I put him in time-out but it's really ineffective for him because his parents found it really cute that he would "put himself" in time out for the last 6 mos because he saw his sister in time out. So now when he sits there he thinks its a positive "Hahaha sooo cute!" kinda thing, not as a consequence. I continue doing it, I don't let him play or talk while on time out but it still isn't effective. Yesterday, for the first time HERE, he started throwing a tantrum when he was being mean and had to sit in time out. I must add that his behavior at home is MUCH worse than his behavior here. His mom texts me all.the.time and sends me videos of him having a huge fit or of something his sister is doing and I hear him in the background whining and crying about something. He's very whiney in general which we've been working on. Just this morning, which is what prompted me to do this especially after yesterday, no one is here but him and he yells "NO!" to nobody! I have also talked to his mom about this and yesterday especially because he was hitting plus the big tantrum. Upon arrival she said they talked and he's going to be a nice boy today and listen.
So what do you do about the NO thing?? I can't say "No! Don't say no!" because then I'm always saying "no" to him and with his repeating skills I think this is what started this whole problem to begin with. I tell him something along the lines of "stop saying no to your friends please, it's not nice" but it just doesn't seem to work! This has been MONTHS and it's literally an all day every day kinda thing.

So part 2 of this question, which I considered starting an entirely new thread for but pertains to the same DCK... DCM is putting him in the 2yr old class at her DD's preschool. She's in preK and starts Kinder next fall so mom will be having one stop instead of 2 until next August when she starts Kinder elsewhere. Her reasoning is that it's just easier for them and since she's been working 5 days, instead of the 4 she's worked for a long time, they need to make the best choices for saving time. Blablabla... I believe it all originated from a day I sent him home back in Sept. It was the day after Labor Day and a Tues (he doesn't usually come Wed) and I sent him home because he had a rash on his face, a red/white sore on the corner of his mouth and had a low-grade fever off and on for the last 2wks. It seemed viral to me but I insisted she come get him and take him in and that really made her mad especially since the dr said it was just a healing sore and he was fine to return to daycare. I explained numerous times that it wasn't personal, but he is very drooly, puts everything in his mouth and I can't risk spreading it to the other kids here. I would do the same thing for anyone else to protect her DS from the same. He's also been a BIG illness spreader here and has the "allergies" and "just runs warmer than usual" on a regular basis. She seems to have warmed back up after that incident, but is still sending him to preschool in Jan. when he's not even 2 yet. I don't think he's ready at ALL for that type of environment. He is still putthing things in his mouth a LOT, he's hitting other kids, taking toys from other kids, the whole NO, MINE stuff, tantrums... not to mention he needs 2 naps some days or is miserably whiney and emotional. My dh thinks I should say something to her about it, but I don't think she'll listen to me. I feel bad for him in some ways because he's been here for over a year since he was just 8mos old and now he's going to be thrown into a new environment, with kids who are all older/bigger than him probably by at least 4+ months, who all have been in this class since Fall and are into their routine. The transition is going to be tough for him and he's not an easy-going kinda kid you could put somewhere else and he'll be ok. When I was gone for a week in June he cried horribly every day at another provider's house, wouldn't nap, hardly ate... it was bad! I try and talk to him about being a big boy and going to school but he's kinda clueless still. So do I say something to mom? Do I just bite my tongue and wish them luck? Ugh... it's just tough. I also may feel better about investing my time and energy into correcting his negative behaviors if he was staying more than a few weeks but knowing he's leaving anyway it doesn't seem worth my energy.

I am a member but can't get my password correct ( again ) . Anyway , one thing you can do is say " yes " a lot more. While they are having lunch say " yes, we are having orange slices with our lunch today ." When he takes toys, tell him, " yes, I understand that it's hard to share . " You aren't exactly as answering any questions, and it may seem silly, but it sometimes helps, and may discourage others from starting the "no no no " phrase. Another thing I would do is share in front of him, a lot. Pick up a toy, play with it, and then give it to him or another child, telling them you like to share , or asking them if they would like to play with it. Also, ask him to share with yo. He is really young, so even if he doesn't catch on, later he will remember.

[TwinKristi]

I definitely praise when he does share, which I'm having to remind him of often, but if I just let them play together it turns into him crying and now today tantrum-ing over something. I went to use the bathroom and he was screaming because my son wanted to shut the sliding door? Like on the ground crying and saying "no, no, no!" in the less than 2 mins it took me to use the bathroom. I even had to wash my hands in the kitchen because I rushed out to make sure everything was ok with his screaming.
I'm also realizing it's just been one thing after another with him, he was sick a lot last Winter & Spring, he was a horrible teether, then was hitting and throwing, now that he's talking it's the whining and mean words. I'm just getting frustrated!
I don't know, I guess I just have to get through the next few weeks and wash my hands of it. I was thinking at lunch that I don't know how his meals will work because he's so picky, won't eat half the time and makes a huge mess. Then I started worrying about his naps and he sleeps in a crib at home and a PNP here, but will sleep on a mat there I'm guessing? How will that work? I guess I'm just being too attached and need to let go.

[sharlan]

You need to stop worrying and let it go. You are not his mom and it's up to her to make the decisions that best meet their family's needs. Kids are more resilient than we believe at times. The change may even be better for him.

I just went through this last summer. Parents moved their 18 mo to the preschool that the older kids went to. I was very, very attached and didn't want her to leave. I even tried to convince them to bring me all 3 kids for the summer.