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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>12 Month Old With Severe Separation Anxiety
Nomoretears1215 08:59 AM 09-04-2014
I am at my wits end. I watch my nephew a few days a week along with having two toddlers of my own at home. My sister is the cosleeping breastfeeding type that carries my nephew 24/7 and never lets him cry for more than half a second. I am the learn to entertain yourself and I am not giving in to your terrorist demands type. Needless to say it is not working out very well. My nephew cries all the time. Follows me around the house screaming and demanding to be held. He refuses to nap unless he is being held and even at home only naps for an hour tops. As a last resort I am trying the cry it out method but he has been going for an hour strong in there with no signs of letting up. Is there any chance of this working at my house even if he gets his way 100% of the time when he is home? My sister tried to crib train him but she has NO backbone to speak of and now is sleeping with him on a twin mattress on the floor of his bedroom next to his crib. Like that's going to accomplish anything. Please help. Please.
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JoseyJo 09:22 AM 09-04-2014
My personal experience is that it is VERY difficult to train a child who has been attachment parented to that extent to accept the group care concept. I have not ever accomplished it and have ended up regretfully terming. After a couple times of trying it with different children/families I decided not to accept attachment parented children into care.

The only way I think it will work is if your sister is willing to change what she does at home. You will be able to tell because the child will start to act differently at your house too within a couple of weeks.
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Nomoretears1215 09:40 AM 09-04-2014
She doesn't even want to be that attachment parent type anymore. It was fine when he was a baby but now it's out of control and she knows it. She just doesn't have what it takes to let him cry or force him into a situation that will be at all unpleasant for him. She is very emotional and sensitive, always has been. He has her exact personality except he is worse because he has a parent willing to cater to those situations. I don't want to have to tell her that she needs to put him in daycare because he is too much for me to handle. With a degree in early childhood education and plenty of experience working in daycares I know that chances are they will end up doing the exact same thing I am trying right now.
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MotherNature 09:44 AM 09-04-2014
Does your sister know you're doing CIO? I'd personally be pissed if I found out that my baby was being subjected to it. I would just tell your sis it's not going to work out. I'm a bedsharer, babywearer, extended breastfeeder, etc.. with a child with sensory issues. He's 3.5 yrs old. Sleep is a serious issue for us & it wasn't an issue of weak-willed parenting. He would literally scream for hours non stop. I wasn't about to do it. He is finally adapted to a sleep schedule, but it took years! I knew that he was not a candidate for group care, which is why I stayed home & took in another kid or two to help with bills. I love cosleeping and breastfeeding, but it's not the most conducive to group care. If your sis is willing to compromise, hopefully you guys can work something out, but I don't see it going well for anyone if she can not get the baby to self soothe. My child is not a self soother at all, & it just doesn't work in group settings.
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preschoolteacher 09:47 AM 09-04-2014
I don't think the child has separation anxiety. I think he's used to getting an adult to himself all the time. He wants 100% of an adult's attention--to be carried, to be played with/entertained, to be held as he sleeps. If it's what he knows, it's what he expects! He probably feels very, very "off" and confused being in an environment where he's not the center of attention. He has never been given the chance to develop self-soothing or self-entertaining methods. He's struggling. And rightfully so.

It is absolutely unfair to attachment parent a child and then expect the child to do well in daycare. ESPECIALLY if he's only coming a few days per week. That's not enough time to build any sort of consistency for him.

If your sister is unwilling to change anything, I doubt it will work. Actually, I would bet on it that it won't work.

She probably expects on some level that, because he's your nephew, you "should" hold him, carry him, and rock him to sleep. Yeah, you have other kids to watch, but he's your NEPHEW so he should come first. Right?? It will be hard to convince your sister that her child cannot come before everyone else. It's hard enough to convince an unrelated daycare parent of that. I don't see it going over well between you without a strain on your relationship.

I would lay it out for your sister... I would say, "Sis, I know we're family, but this is also my business. If I was having the same experience with another daycare kid, this is how I would handle it. I need to follow the same policies with you. We should decide right now if pursuing with this business relationship is the right choice for us as family members. If this plan for helping Baby adapt to daycare works for you, great! If not, I think it would be best for you to look for daycare elsewhere with no hard feelings between us." And I'd do what I could to help her find another place.

And then I'd go on to explain exactly what improvements you need to see made and under what timeline.

He needs to be able to sleep independently by X date (however long you're willing to wait it out. I'd say 2-3 weeks max). He needs to be making progress in independent play and self-soothing by the same time. If no progress has been made, you will no longer be able to take care of him after that date.

I would also say that any day when he cries for more than 60 minutes that you will call a parent for immediate pick-up. I have in my policies that if a child is unable to participate in the day's activities, they need to go home (ill or not). Crying inconsolably for 60+ minutes = not participating.

Good luck!
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MotherNature 10:09 AM 09-04-2014
Originally Posted by preschoolteacher:
I don't think the child has separation anxiety. I think he's used to getting an adult to himself all the time. He wants 100% of an adult's attention--to be carried, to be played with/entertained, to be held as he sleeps. If it's what he knows, it's what he expects! He probably feels very, very "off" and confused being in an environment where he's not the center of attention. He has never been given the chance to develop self-soothing or self-entertaining methods. He's struggling. And rightfully so.

It is absolutely unfair to attachment parent a child and then expect the child to do well in daycare. ESPECIALLY if he's only coming a few days per week. That's not enough time to build any sort of consistency for him.

If your sister is unwilling to change anything, I doubt it will work. Actually, I would bet on it that it won't work.

She probably expects on some level that, because he's your nephew, you "should" hold him, carry him, and rock him to sleep. Yeah, you have other kids to watch, but he's your NEPHEW so he should come first. Right?? It will be hard to convince your sister that her child cannot come before everyone else. It's hard enough to convince an unrelated daycare parent of that. I don't see it going over well between you without a strain on your relationship.

I would lay it out for your sister... I would say, "Sis, I know we're family, but this is also my business. If I was having the same experience with another daycare kid, this is how I would handle it. I need to follow the same policies with you. We should decide right now if pursuing with this business relationship is the right choice for us as family members. If this plan for helping Baby adapt to daycare works for you, great! If not, I think it would be best for you to look for daycare elsewhere with no hard feelings between us." And I'd do what I could to help her find another place.

And then I'd go on to explain exactly what improvements you need to see made and under what timeline.

He needs to be able to sleep independently by X date (however long you're willing to wait it out. I'd say 2-3 weeks max). He needs to be making progress in independent play and self-soothing by the same time. If no progress has been made, you will no longer be able to take care of him after that date.

I would also say that any day when he cries for more than 60 minutes that you will call a parent for immediate pick-up. I have in my policies that if a child is unable to participate in the day's activities, they need to go home (ill or not). Crying inconsolably for 60+ minutes = not participating.

Good luck!
All of this..yes.
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Heidi 10:18 AM 09-04-2014
Originally Posted by preschoolteacher:
I don't think the child has separation anxiety. I think he's used to getting an adult to himself all the time. He wants 100% of an adult's attention--to be carried, to be played with/entertained, to be held as he sleeps. If it's what he knows, it's what he expects! He probably feels very, very "off" and confused being in an environment where he's not the center of attention. He has never been given the chance to develop self-soothing or self-entertaining methods. He's struggling. And rightfully so.

It is absolutely unfair to attachment parent a child and then expect the child to do well in daycare. ESPECIALLY if he's only coming a few days per week. That's not enough time to build any sort of consistency for him.

If your sister is unwilling to change anything, I doubt it will work. Actually, I would bet on it that it won't work.

She probably expects on some level that, because he's your nephew, you "should" hold him, carry him, and rock him to sleep. Yeah, you have other kids to watch, but he's your NEPHEW so he should come first. Right?? It will be hard to convince your sister that her child cannot come before everyone else. It's hard enough to convince an unrelated daycare parent of that. I don't see it going over well between you without a strain on your relationship.

I would lay it out for your sister... I would say, "Sis, I know we're family, but this is also my business. If I was having the same experience with another daycare kid, this is how I would handle it. I need to follow the same policies with you. We should decide right now if pursuing with this business relationship is the right choice for us as family members. If this plan for helping Baby adapt to daycare works for you, great! If not, I think it would be best for you to look for daycare elsewhere with no hard feelings between us." And I'd do what I could to help her find another place.

And then I'd go on to explain exactly what improvements you need to see made and under what timeline.

He needs to be able to sleep independently by X date (however long you're willing to wait it out. I'd say 2-3 weeks max). He needs to be making progress in independent play and self-soothing by the same time. If no progress has been made, you will no longer be able to take care of him after that date.

I would also say that any day when he cries for more than 60 minutes that you will call a parent for immediate pick-up. I have in my policies that if a child is unable to participate in the day's activities, they need to go home (ill or not). Crying inconsolably for 60+ minutes = not participating.

Good luck!

Great advice!

It doesn't have to be all at once, but you need to work together in the right direction.

What is she doing on days when he's not with you? If she's staying home, maybe she needs to come with him half days so you can model/teach her some kind tough love (dont' let em ruin your nap time, though). Hold her hand and show her how to be strong! I'd only do this for her because your her sister, though.
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Nomoretears1215 10:19 AM 09-04-2014
Very helpful thank you!
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