I have a 3 year old who has good days and bad days, but lately more bad! The parents are such nice people and I will never understand where her rudeness comes from. Today, she's teasing her friends, telling them to shut up, telling them they lose, they can't play with her, etc. Her parents use a lot of rewards at home like a cookie at the end of a good day, but I have 2 problems with it. One, she usually only worries about that at the end of the day. Two, she's become too focused on that extrinsic reward. I want her to know that she needs to be good because that's what I expect-period. With today's rudeness, I started taking away things from her. I explained what a privilege is (she's a VERY smart three year old, and I know she understands what I'm saying) and told her she has to earn them. At the park she was rude to a friend, so I wouldn't push her on the swing. After lunch she teased a friend, so she lost the right to sleep in the same room as everyone else for nap. In the afternoon, she will not be able to do dress up if she continues (as that's her favorite thing to do).

Anyone else do this with a 3 year old and have it be effective? I'm hoping she'll get the memo. Nice people get to do fun things. She cannot continue teasing people and being mean because nobody is going to want to play with her. I had to hide my smile today as she asked a kid to sit next to them and the kid said no. She asked why and the girl said, "Because you've been being mean and crying all day-I don't want THAT next to me"

Reply

my motto....people who don't listen, don't get to have any fun.....it applies to both children and adults....

I tell the children, I really want you to have fun, so I need for you to listen. If you cannot listen, you cannot have any fun. I will do anything I can help you to listen, but in the end, it's your choice if you want to have fun or not.

Please make a good decision.

Then let them decide.

Reply

When my dd turned 4, she became a total stinker. She was ungrateful for her bday gifts, whiny, mouthy, and not pleasant at all. She complained about everything being "not fun". I told her I was going to take away all the toys from her room if she didn't behave, and she looked at me difiabtly and said "I don't care."

So I did. I took away every single book and toy out of her room, leaving only her furniture. Then I sent her to her room for an hour or so and told her she could go and think about what was not fun. She had to slowly earn her books and toys back over the period of a few weeks. She learned that "mommy isn't playing around." She is almost 4 1/2 now, and i could not ask for a more perfect child. That was her turning point taking away things kids take for granted and making them earn them back can be very effective.

Reply

I have one of these. It's my own kid...he's the third child, the other two were well behaved and nice. So it isn't always the parents! I do the same as you have, if they aren't listening, removal of favorite toy(s). My 4 yo old dcb, who usually listens well and I can trust, has been doing the opposite lately. Today, his Moondough time ended prematurely, as he was putting it in his mouth! Also, all the cars in the room were removed when he and my 3 yo were fighting over one particular car. Normally, I may have only removed the one, but that's been occuring a lot lately, so they got to play with some "quieter" toys.

They seem to go through stages, where they choose not to cooperate, then life isn't quite as fun here...

Reply

I think you are on the right track as she is learning that HER behaviors have consequences and one of them being the other girl didn't want her to sit next to her. The loss of fun things is also another way to help her understand that her attitude and behavior are directly connected to the type of day and the activities she is allowed to do.

I find it difficult to teach the kids who have learned to behave by being rewarded for expected and normal behaviors. They tend to need/want to be rewarded for breathing and that isn't how the real world works.....atleast it didn't while I was growing up.

Reply

The bolded part....THAT is what is going to teach her to play nice. Taking things away (unless it is directly related to her misbehavior - such as she takes a toy from someone and is made to give it back) is not usually very effective. However, having peers refuse to play with you is VERY effective.

I would hold a special "group gathering" Bring the whole group together, explain the behavior that you are seeing, (be very specific) and ask the children what they would like to do about it. Ask them if they LIKE to play with her when she treats them this way. (they will say no) Ask them if they want to continue playing with her when she treats them this way (they will say no) Then EMPOWER the children who are being treated poorly by her. TELL them that they CAN choose to NOT play with her when she is mean. TELL them that they CAN tell her that they do not like her when she acts like that and that they do not want to play with her until she decides to be nice.
Then tell her, "I heard your friends say that they do not like the way that you have been treating them and that they do not want to play with you when you are being mean. From now on, when you are mean, they do not have to play with you. I hope you decide to make good choices, because it is not fun to have no friends and it makes me sad to see our friends not getting along"

And, TELL Mom and Dad that this is what you are doing. Because I guarantee you she will and they need to understand the reasoning behind it rather than seeing it as ganging up on her.

Reply

I get what you are saying and I think that may work with some kids, but it wouldn't with mine. If my kids know I'm 'empowering them' in that way, they will get on this girl about EVERY thing. They'll obsess over it and look for little things she's doing wrong. It would cause more of a problem then help. I appreciate the idea though, it just wouldn't fly with the bunch I have right now.

Today she hit another kid and myself-she's staying home as a suspension tomorrow and missing our field trip. One more instance of touching anyone, and she's termed. I've had to do this one other time and I HATE it (same idea-one warning, that's it). She smacked me in my face simply for attention (she thought it was funny while we were doing a dance at circle time), and I won't worry about that type of thing happening daily. I have a waiting list-it's totally not worth it!

Reply

I hear ya! Bummer that you cannot try it.....but I understand, some times a particular group and their group dynamices just do not allow for this type of "discipline"

Yeah, the hitting YOU in the face is a deal breaker. I had a little girl (3 y.o.) head butt me a couple of weeks ago. One of those hits to the head that makes you see red it was so hard and unexpected. Mom was told that I will not tolerate a child being abusive to me so it would be in her best interest to deal with it swiftly.....little one came back the next week with a whole new attitude towards me

Reply