Daycare.com Forum Kidacare by Minute Menu Force of Nature Disinfectant

Go Back   Daycare.com Forum > Main Category > Daycare Center and Family Home Forum

Daycare Center and Family Home Forum Daycare Center and Family Home owners, Directors, Operators and Assistants should post and ask questions here.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-29-2011, 09:49 PM
workingfromhomemom's Avatar
workingfromhomemom workingfromhomemom is offline
New Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
Default Bad Situation with Home DCP

I'm sorry this is so long.

BG- My 4 year dd goes to a home day care provider. She has been there for 6 months (my 4 year old niece also goes there). I have been thrilled with their care. They love her, take great care of her, and go above and beyond what would be expected of them. This is my first issue with them. It is a husband and wife that run the DC.

Incident- On Monday I went to pick dd up. I walked in and the wife- we will call her Gladys- was talking to another parent. It looked like a very personal, intense convo so I said little to her. The child of the mother she was talking to said "Hey, your dd is out back, I will go get her." When my dd came in she was upset. Not crying but visibly upset. I asked her what was wrong and she told me "Ryan (Gladys's 16 year old son) was tickling me too much and I didn't like it". I didn't think too much of it. I did notice that the husband- we will call him Dennis- was sitting at the computer at the dining room table. Meaning that neither one of them were outside with my dd. Then my niece comes in crying and said the same thing. Ryan was tickling her too much and chasing her too much and she didn't like it. Gladys finally notices my niece crying and said "Oh no, she is upset because she was asked to come inside with everyone else but she stayed out there". I realized then the girls were both left outside either alone or with a 16 year old boy. Okay, whatever. I left.

I decided I needed to talk to her about it. Let me make it very clear that I NEVER thought that something of a sexual nature went on with my dd and Ryan. I really did think he was tickling her and she had had enough. But I wanted to address the issue. I also needed to bring up my daughter being left out back. I thought long and hard on how I would talk to her about it. I knew she was going to be defensive.

The next time I brought my dd was Wednesday. I picked her up Wed. evening and asked to talk to Gladys in private. I told her what happened and that I was uncomfortable and she immediately got VERY defensive. She kept saying "Oh no, he NEVER touches the kids" I kept telling her over and over that I don't think anything weird happened but she wouldn't hear it. She stormed into the house and said let's go talk to the girls. When she asked the girls what happened the girls repeated the SAME thing. Ryan was tickling me and chasing me too much and they didn't like it. She completely ignored what they said and she started reprimanding my niece!! She told her that she was in trouble for staying outside when she was asked to come in. Meanwhile I was thinking to myself, hey, isn't it THEIR responsibility to know where the kids are at all times? She also told the girls that THEY were the ones that climb on Ryan. She made it seem like everything was their fault. So at this point I am getting upset at how she is handling this. I kept telling her to calm down, that it didn't need to be this way. And she basically blew up and told me, in front of my DD and niece, that maybe I better just find someone else to take care of my child. I was FLOORED. I just shook my head, told her she was ruining a good thing, and left.

I am so shocked that she handled it this way. She was SO incredibly unprofessional. I can't believe she said all of that stuff in front of my dd.
I tried to call them on Thursday night. I left a message but haven't received a call back. I never will. I wrote a registered letter stating what I thought they did wrong and telling them my daughter won't be coming back.

Oh, one last thing. When my brother came and picked up my niece Gladys told him what happened. Of course her version is much different than mine. But she did call her son in and ask if he tickled the girls. Guess what??? He said yes!! My brother said she was totally shocked.

I am wondering if I should report this incident. This is a woman whom I felt very close to. We had many long conversations about family, parenting, and religion. I know she cared about my dd but she really screwed up. I am already looking for a preschool. I just wonder if this is something that warrants a complaint. I wonder if I would want to know that something like this happened if I went to look at them as a DCP. Then again, I'm not sure how this process works.

I never thought I would be a person that would write this long of a post. I tried to be succinct.

Please tell me your opinion.

Last edited by Michael; 05-29-2011 at 09:55 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-29-2011, 09:51 PM
Michael's Avatar
Michael Michael is online now
Admin & Owner-Daycare.com
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Moorpark CA, Ocean Ridge, FL
Posts: 7,450
Default

Welcome to the Daycare.com Forum.

Last edited by Michael; 05-29-2011 at 09:56 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-29-2011, 10:05 PM
sharlan's Avatar
sharlan sharlan is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chino, California
Posts: 6,037
Default

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I really don't see what good would come from reporting this. There are so many wonderful home daycares out there, look for another one.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-29-2011, 10:42 PM
QualiTcare's Avatar
QualiTcare QualiTcare is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,484
Default

i don't see that this is really anything worthy of reporting either. i'm sure it's very upsetting to you, as it should be, but in my opinion not worthy of reporting.

i can only speculate, but maybe she responded the way she did because she HAD told the kids to come in repeatedly and they didn't listen. for the record, i'm not a daycare provider. i have been in the past, but not now. just to give an example - my daughter and son were outside swimming today and my husband was outside with them. my daughter comes in crying hysterically and saying she got in trouble by daddy for NO REASON! she said she was licking her lips and he thought she was sticking her tongue out blah blah. i tell her, "stay inside! you need to cool off, rest, etc. don't go back out there!" low and behold...she runs out the door. 30 minutes later, she's back and crying like she's been beaten. "daddy broke my toy!! on purpose!!" i go investigate. yup, true story. daughter and son were fighting over a toy, not sharing, etc. he solved the problem - toy gone. i tell her again, "stay inside. take a break from each other, etc." what do you think she does? she goes back out for more.

now, imagine this scenario. two little kids are being chased and tickled by a big, bad BOY! they run, scream, and say they don't like it. the grown up tells them to come INSIDE! they don't. they stay outside where the big, bad boy who has been "bothering them" is located. the same thing happens AGAIN, but this time they don't only whine about being bothered by the boy - their parent confronts the grown up in charge about why it was "allowed" to happen.

if i had to guess, i would say it wasn't THAT big of a deal. it was a four year old's idea of a big deal because a tickling game she was involved in turned into something she didn't like anymore. little girls tend to be dramatic. mine is at least. anyhow, it's unfortunate that it all went down the way it did.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-30-2011, 04:32 AM
dEHmom's Avatar
dEHmom dEHmom is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Canada EH
Posts: 2,355
Default

I agree with the previous 2 posters. I don't think it sounds like a report is warranted.

HOWEVER, I just want to say, that you did the right thing by speaking with the provider. There were several key points in your post, that needed to be address such as the outside alone with a teenage boy, touching/tickling etc.

Truth is, if some teenage boy was tickling my child, I would automatically investigate further to make sure it was ONLY tickling and nothing of an inappropriate nature.

There is no reason her son should've been alone with 2 little girls. And if they didn't want to come in, then the provider(s) should have remained with them or told them to come in with no ifs ands or buts.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-30-2011, 07:11 AM
snbauser's Avatar
snbauser snbauser is offline
Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 1,385
Default

If you suspect something else was going on, report it. I don't know what the laws are in your area but here leaving the 2 4 year olds outside unsupervised would be a violation here. Children must be supervised at all times. A 16 year old boy who can't take a 4 year old crying/upset as an indicator that they do not want to play anymore would concern me as well as a 16 year old boy outside alone with 2 4 year old girls with his hands on them.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-30-2011, 07:31 AM
Sunshine44's Avatar
Sunshine44 Sunshine44 is offline
Running away from home
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 280
Default

I would report it because she left your kids outside alone...with her 16 yr old son. Why is she saying "they didn't listen when asked to come inside"?? I have children here all day and if one of them didn't listen, they'd be made to come inside. I cannot just leave a child outside because they don't want to come in...no matter if someone else (older child/neighbor) was out there with them.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-30-2011, 08:17 AM
Cat Herder's Avatar
Cat Herder Cat Herder is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 12,308
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshine View Post
I would report it because she left your kids outside alone...with her 16 yr old son.
In California a Daycare Assistant can be 14.

There is nothing really reportable, sounds like a personality conflict and most likely was more about HOW the things were said between two grown women than how they actually happened between the children.

"Mama Bear" syndrome. I have had the impulse a few times, too, and had to stop the "defense gene" from kicking in to hear the truth.

I am very disappointed for your DD though. Sounds like she was very happy there. It was most likely kids playing and some over doing by a goofy 16 year old boy (I have two teen sons) who does not realize his own strength.

I remember my 15 year old male cousin busting my lip accidentally playing touch football at 5 years old. It does happen. He is still my favorite and unfortunately still likes to put me in a headlock at the dinner table during family gatherings. I am 40, ugh BOYS.
__________________
- Unless otherwise stated, all my posts are personal opinion and worth what you paid for them.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-30-2011, 08:44 AM
daycare's Avatar
daycare daycare is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Mars
Posts: 16,021
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherder View Post
In California a Daycare Assistant can be 14.

There is nothing really reportable, sounds like a personality conflict and most likely was more about HOW the things were said between two grown women than how they actually happened between the children.

"Mama Bear" syndrome. I have had the impulse a few times, too, and had to stop the "defense gene" from kicking in to hear the truth.

I am very disappointed for your DD though. Sounds like she was very happy there. It was most likely kids playing and some over doing by a goofy 16 year old boy (I have two teen sons) who does not realize his own strength.

I remember my 15 year old male cousin busting my lip accidentally playing touch football at 5 years old. It does happen. He is still my favorite and unfortunately still likes to put me in a headlock at the dinner table during family gatherings. I am 40, ugh BOYS.
catherder is correct. if the 16 year old was outside withe the girls, then there is no violation. I am in your area northern cali.

My son is the same age and he knows that he is NEVER to touch the DCKs, I dont even allow for him to pick them up to help them get on a bike, nothing ever.

Also I agree with whoever said girls are dramatic. i once had a dck tell their parent that my little 3 year old son hit her with a baseball bat. Yes she got hit with a foam baseball bat, but it waas becuase she was refusing to wait her turn and she tried to take the bat away when my son was up to bat, he was in full motion of swinging when she tried to walk up and grab it. Yes, she was hurt a tiny bit, but I told her a million times it was not her turn, she needed to wait.

The parents came in and accused my son of being a horrible child, telling me how did I let that happen and why are there bats in DC. They were ready to pull their child out right on the spot. BTW no marks of anykind where left at all, only a 3year old girls words. When I told them, that I was playing catcher and told them what happened, they still seemed to not believe me. I on the other hand can only tell them my words and if they don't believe me, then they would have to find another DCP. Nothing else ever came of this, child is still here, but my point is, little girls are dramatic. Not only taht, I know it is hard to see any situation from a child's perspective and make sense of it. As the mother, of course you are going to protect your child by finding out what happened.
I am sorry that this happend to you, hopefully things will simmer down and you will find another happy place for your child.
Some people are very sensitive about things and dont know how to handel getting confronted.
I don't really think that there is anyting to report here. Sucks taht the DCP over reacted.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-30-2011, 09:01 AM
youretooloud's Avatar
youretooloud youretooloud is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: The desert.
Posts: 1,958
Default

OP.. You did nothing wrong. You are not expected to ignore your child's complaints so you don't hurt the provider's feelings.

The provider blew it all out of proportion, and she never needed to carry on like that. A simple "Well, I don't think he would, but I'll talk to him today" would have made you feel better. Right?

The kids weren't left outside alone.. they were with a 16 yr old. He's old enough to drive, and babysit, and if you trusted him before this, there's no problem with him watching them in the yard.

The fact that both kids were crying, and she seemed to be covering up the reason is really what's bothering you... she behaved as if she got caught doing something she shouldn't be doing, and your mommy alarm went off. I doubt the teenager did anything wrong, but the mom's behavior was very odd....especially the next day. Why would she flip out like that?

I don't see any reason to report this, but I am glad you removed your child. I think her behavior was enough reason for your brother to remove his child too. I wouldn't trust her at all.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 05-30-2011, 10:57 AM
workingfromhomemom's Avatar
workingfromhomemom workingfromhomemom is offline
New Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
Default

Well, to be honest I'm not sure if the girls were left alone outside or with the 16 year old. I know my niece had to have been left alone because the boy came inside and she was still out there. I didn't know she was out there- I thought she had been picked up. I think the wife thought the husband was watching them (that is what she said) and the husband thought the wife was watching them. They were both busy doing other things- not okay. I don't know of the laws but I do know she told me only her or her husband were allowed to care for the kids.

I did do a little investigation with my 4 year old. I was very non leading and basically went all over her body (including head, toes, etc) and asked if she was tickled there. She only said yes to her tummy. Here is the thing- I DID NOT think it was that big of a deal. If I thought for a second that something funky had gone on I NEVER would have brought her back on Wed. I thought I would just bring it up as a concern. Like normal people do when they need to work something out.

It was her response that worried me most. Why was she that defensive? Why didn't she listen to what the girls BOTH told her and acknowledge it? I kept repeating I didnt think anything weird had happened but she wouldn't hear it. She was in freak out mode.

Also, she swore up and down that her son never, ever touch the kids for any reason. She was floored when the son admitted to tickling them (this happened in front of my brother).

It just really is a shame how the whole thing happened. She lost two great clients. I am excited to look at preschools for my daughter. I think she is going to love it.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 05-30-2011, 12:10 PM
wdmmom wdmmom is offline
Advanced Daycare.com
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: WDM, IA
Posts: 2,669
Default

Will your niece continue receiving childcare there?

I might contact the state's licensing agency and ask them if any of the things you question are enough to warrant a complaint and inspection.

Sounds to me like this husband/wife team need to be providing childcare, not be playing on the computer while their son is outside entertaining the children. My guess is: if the state does make a visit, the only thing they might be sited on is the 16 year old child doesn't have the paperwork or background check to consider him an assistant.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 05-30-2011, 12:16 PM
dEHmom's Avatar
dEHmom dEHmom is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Canada EH
Posts: 2,355
Default

even if they were being watched by a teenager who is old enough to legally watch the girls, he is not on the contract as a caregiver. Unless the parents had given permission to leave this boy in charge for any amount of time EVER then he had no right watching them.

On another note, if they both assumed the other was watching, then they do not have a good system.

IMO, unless one let the other know they weren't watching, then they BOTH should have been watching the children.

Unfortunately, the DCprovider has gone a little over board, and I wish you luck with you daycare search. Everything happens for a reason. Just remember that.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-30-2011, 01:25 PM
daycare's Avatar
daycare daycare is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Mars
Posts: 16,021
Default

in cali you dont have to have any form of background check of any kind if you hire your own child as long as they are under the age of 18. however, I do agree that the DCP should have okayed and listed her child as a caretaker if she intended to have her child help out. I think its too risky to have your own child working with you. As a mother, you are always going to stand behind your child, even when you know they are wrong.

Last edited by daycare; 05-30-2011 at 01:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-01-2011, 08:25 AM
Unregistered
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default report her

If I were in your shoes, I would report her. Licensing will decide if it's warranted or not and there's no reprecusion on you. You can call anonymously as well - just ask your local branch how to report anonymously. She blamed the kids for being unattended outside which is just plain wrong. What would happen if those kids got seriously injured because she wasn't watching? Blame them the same? And she can't eat crow even after the 16 yr old boy admitted to tickling them? I can't imagine why she thought it was ok for her to walk away from the kids in the first place - her judgment is way off. She is responsible for those kids unless licensing rules state otherwise about that 16 year old being an official assistant (which I would think would have to be recorded officially so the State knew). I think another big issue here is how she responded to you when you brought a concern up to her - I've dealt with a provider like this before and they just can't ever admit when they're wrong. She was also just plain mean and defensive to you. You have every right to question your provider over anything without them being defensive over it and without having to worry that they're going to scream at you for it. I don't do "defensive" providers. You're better off somewhere else and I applaude you for taking the kids somewhere else immediately. I have a lot of regrets as a parent for not reporting things that I should have that I've witnessed and heard about. For example, my previous provider denied rumors that she was improperly caring for infants and that she was regularly way out of ratio. I didn't report her because it didn't affect my child but later learned that she was cited several times for both. I was glad to see that justice was done, but still wish I'd said something. Too many times, parents just don't want to get involved or are too afraid to say something. Please stand up for your kids and report her. As a parent, it's your responsibility to defend them. If she left kids outside alone once, she'll do it again or probably has been doing it regularly.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-01-2011, 05:13 PM
Hunni Bee's Avatar
Hunni Bee Hunni Bee is offline
False Sense Of Authority
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Over the Rainbow...
Posts: 2,315
Default

I would not want a 16 year old boy's hands on my 4 year old daughter and niece. Obviously he has some boundary issues if they told him to stop and he didnt...who's to say he wont take it further and not stop then either? You just don't know.

If they asked the child to come in, and she didn't, she should have been "helped" inside. That's not an excuse for her to be left outside unattended.

"Gladys" and her husband are the DCPs...not her son. Just because he's of age does not make him a stand-in assistant. He probably has no CPR training, no first aid...everybody who lives in a DCP's house is does not automatically have the authority to watch the children.

I would file a report because if they are still allowing their son to be alone with kids and he's touching them against their will, something bad may happen to someone's child. If nothing comes of the report, then fine. But it won't hurt you to file one.

As for her going off on you, that's just further proof that something is not right that she's trying to hide. I'd make sure your niece is pulled as well.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-01-2011, 07:24 PM
Unregistered
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default report it

Normal 16 yo boys don't play with 4 yo girls.

Either he was on duty, or there are other issues - which means other kids may be at risk. Your report now could prevent a problem you wouldn't imagine now...even if it is just getting him off the hook for doing mom and dad's job.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-02-2011, 06:04 AM
dEHmom's Avatar
dEHmom dEHmom is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Canada EH
Posts: 2,355
Default

once again we don't know if he is allowed to be watching the kids. he may be a provider as well.

but the fact that neither of the ADULTS were aware that the other wasn't watching, is a bad sign. how often are they assuming the other is watching?

"tickling" is a word that commonly is used by kids. Because touches can tickle. I would definitely just ask a few questions, not hinting at something, but allowing the child to explain...when he was tickling you, was it on your tummy? your back? your feet? let them fill in the blanks. do not in any way GIVE them the words, or you are setting yourself up for a bad situation.

I also agree with the pp that stated that the reaction that you received from the provider is a red flag....
I know that if it was me, i would defend my son off the hop, but i would remain professional, and be empathetic. no not sympathetic, empathetic. the way she reacted was NOT professional, and not called for. If you went in there accusing her son of molestation or something, ok, that's a little bit different.

my biggest question....HOW LONG were the kid(s) outside unsupervised by adults, and alone with a teenager?
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 06-02-2011, 09:44 AM
laundrymom's Avatar
laundrymom laundrymom is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 4,222
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
Normal 16 yo boys don't play with 4 yo girls.

Either he was on duty, or there are other issues - which means other kids may be at risk. Your report now could prevent a problem you wouldn't imagine now...even if it is just getting him off the hook for doing mom and dad's job.
I disagree. Wholeheartedly. My son and his friends (20yrs old now) routinely play with the kids. They have since he was old enough to have a life separate from my job. I completely understand the sexual abuse fear, it's a very real one in this day and time. However, I can think of three times THIS week when he wrestled with them, either twirling them tickling or just being a big strong jungle gym, and although they say stop bubby!!! Stop!! And he does. They dive bomb him as soon as his head is turned. Only to say stop bubby again. I say this provider probably said " hey Bub can you watch them while I potty" or something like that. She got distracted, he got bored, probably tickled them in a fun game and maybe didn't stop for 10-15 seconds which to a preschoolers is an eternity. He came in to find mom and saw the op. Kids were mad they lost their play mate, provider was embarrassed she looked like she wasn't doing her job. And got flustered. I think the fact that this young man was truthful and didn't hide his affection for the kids spoke volumes. I only hope a lot of day children get the positive type of attention as this. I only hope they see teen boys as caring role models. They look up to the older children in our homes as sibling role models and that is a precious gift that never is mentioned in the interview kids need to grow up seeing confident caring rolemodels of every age, gender and color. I wish the op luck in her decision. But if her gut told her the boy did nothing wrong and it was simply an error on the providers part. I think it would be a disservice to attempt to have an investigation done. Maybe a nice short explanation as to why she dropped care, and tell her that you hope she plans better for supervision in the future because less attentive parents could get mixed signals and cause trouble for her.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 06-02-2011, 09:59 AM
daycare's Avatar
daycare daycare is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Mars
Posts: 16,021
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by laundrymom View Post
I disagree. Wholeheartedly. My son and his friends (20yrs old now) routinely play with the kids. They have since he was old enough to have a life separate from my job. I completely understand the sexual abuse fear, it's a very real one in this day and time. However, I can think of three times THIS week when he wrestled with them, either twirling them tickling or just being a big strong jungle gym, and although they say stop bubby!!! Stop!! And he does. They dive bomb him as soon as his head is turned. Only to say stop bubby again. I say this provider probably said " hey Bub can you watch them while I potty" or something like that. She got distracted, he got bored, probably tickled them in a fun game and maybe didn't stop for 10-15 seconds which to a preschoolers is an eternity. He came in to find mom and saw the op. Kids were mad they lost their play mate, provider was embarrassed she looked like she wasn't doing her job. And got flustered. I think the fact that this young man was truthful and didn't hide his affection for the kids spoke volumes. I only hope a lot of day children get the positive type of attention as this. I only hope they see teen boys as caring role models. They look up to the older children in our homes as sibling role models and that is a precious gift that never is mentioned in the interview kids need to grow up seeing confident caring rolemodels of every age, gender and color. I wish the op luck in her decision. But if her gut told her the boy did nothing wrong and it was simply an error on the providers part. I think it would be a disservice to attempt to have an investigation done. Maybe a nice short explanation as to why she dropped care, and tell her that you hope she plans better for supervision in the future because less attentive parents could get mixed signals and cause trouble for her.
I agree 100% with this.

My son is 15, almost 16 and he is just like your son. He loves the DCKs, all of them. He too is a huge jungle gym and as soon as they see him, they all attach his legs and take him down to the ground and just start one huge ticklet fest. I often don't let it get too crazy, as someone always ends up getting a kick or elbow to some part of the body. I love that my son is good with the kids, however, he knows that he is never to touch them. he is never to discipline them and never to do anything other than just play.
I think my son will be a great father one day, I can already see it.

I too think that the fact that the son admitted what he was doing does speak volumes. I look at this case as the provider over reacted.

I don't think that a 16 year old is wrong with playing with children that are in his house. Now if he is seeking them outside of his house, that's a problem
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 06-02-2011, 10:12 AM
youretooloud's Avatar
youretooloud youretooloud is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: The desert.
Posts: 1,958
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by laundrymom View Post
I disagree. Wholeheartedly. My son and his friends (20yrs old now) routinely play with the kids.
Yes... mine love the little ones too. Just yesterday the 18 yr old was doing "Acrobats" with the kids. I wouldn't hesitate to let my kids play with the little ones. I even have a grown ex daycare boy who plays with the kids when he comes by. They love him.

My concern with this post was never that the 16 yr old would molest the kids, but that the provider felt guilty for something and was trying to cover it up.

Either she didn't even know they were out there... or worse yet, got mad at them and sent them out and maybe that's why they were crying.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 06-02-2011, 11:28 AM
dEHmom's Avatar
dEHmom dEHmom is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Canada EH
Posts: 2,355
Default

i know some people won't let their dh play with the kids, or some dh's probably don't care to play with the kids. But my dck's love my dh. he comes home from work, and they swarm him to play.

I just want to clarify that i wasn't implying that the teen was molesting or anything. But even when my daughter said my step dad was tickling her, and yada yada, i just ask a few non chalant questions just to clarify. I always avoid the questions that will give them the words, or the impression that something worse happened. but i leave it open so they CAN tell me should something have happened. does that make sense???

i think my last dcg had a crush on my dh, because as soon as he was around, even when we went to a bbq at their house, she ditched me real fast to sit on him. it was super cute.

i don't think it's fair to not allow our own children to play with dck's. and you are right, she may have just asked him to keep an eye on them for a few minutes while she was going to the bathroom, or flipping a load of laundry, or whatever it was. but i still think it's important to keep in mind that he is not the one responsible for these children. this whole issue really is about the PAID PROVIDER not watching the children, and the reaction that followed. she probably was flustered, but she did not remain professional when she was called out.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 06-02-2011, 12:21 PM
greenhouse's Avatar
greenhouse greenhouse is offline
Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 226
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
Normal 16 yo boys don't play with 4 yo girls.

Either he was on duty, or there are other issues - which means other kids may be at risk. Your report now could prevent a problem you wouldn't imagine now...even if it is just getting him off the hook for doing mom and dad's job.
Ditto this. I feel like you just can't be too cautious unfortunately. This whole scenario puts me on edge. It takes just one small minute to harm a child forever.
I make a promise to all DCP that their kids will NEVER be left alone with anyone but myself or my mother who is a teacher herself.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 06-02-2011, 12:27 PM
daycare's Avatar
daycare daycare is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Mars
Posts: 16,021
Default

I have a DCF who said that they are not ok with my husband acting as a back up provider. They have two girls in care here and they don't want my husband watching them. I never leave the DC unless the kids are napping and try not to schedule Doc. apts on the days that they are here. They have been at my DC for almost 2 years...

I finally told them that if they don't want to accept my husband as my back up then they will have to pick up their children or find alternate care on those days.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 06-02-2011, 02:02 PM
Michelle's Avatar
Michelle Michelle is offline
Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,683
Default

Everyone agrees that the provider overreacted, do you think it might be in reaction to the "intense " conversation she was having with that other parent?
Maybe that other parent set her off and she was upset and just blew it.

I also agree with most of you about letting your awesome sons play a part in your daycare. My son was a leprechaun a couple months ago and he had a green bucket of gold coins, green hat and beard , the kids chased him all over the yard laughing like crazy! he tried to sound like an irish gentleman. It was hilarious !!!!
some of these kids need this awesome example of what a good man should be like. some don't have any male role models.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 06-02-2011, 02:07 PM
daycare's Avatar
daycare daycare is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Mars
Posts: 16,021
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Michelle View Post
Everyone agrees that the provider overreacted, do you think it might be in reaction to the "intense " conversation she was having with that other parent?
Maybe that other parent set her off and she was upset and just blew it.

I also agree with most of you about letting your awesome sons play a part in your daycare. My son was a leprechaun a couple months ago and he had a green bucket of gold coins, green hat and beard , the kids chased him all over the yard laughing like crazy! he tried to sound like an irish gentleman. It was hilarious !!!!
some of these kids need this awesome example of what a good man should be like. some don't have any male role models.
OMG that is the cutest thing I have ever heard....lol can you rent him out?
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 06-02-2011, 02:18 PM
Crystal's Avatar
Crystal Crystal is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 3,955
Default

I find it offensive that (by some providers here) it is automatically assumed that this young man must have been up to no good and that "Normal 16 year old boys don't play with 4 year old girls" Are you saying an older brother shouldn't play with his little sister, or an uncle shouldn't play with his niece.....god forbid they should do that, they wouldn't be considered "normal"

My son played a significant role in my program when he still lived at home. In California, at 14 years old, anyone can be an assistant. AND, it doesn't have to be reported to licensing when doing so..... the only stipulation is that if licensing comes for a visit you have proof that the child is 14 or older. If they are 18 then they have to be fingerprinted, cpr cert. etc. My son was a FABULOUS addition to my program, and my husband works with me full time as well....he plays with the kids ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. My son, now 20, still stops by from time to time and plays with the kids. They ADORE him. If everyone thought like some of you do I, as well as countless other providers, would not be in business. Are those of you with sons going to keep them completely 100% away from daycare? I think that's not likely.

I am surprised some of you jumped on that when the OP clearly stated that she was not concerned about the 16 year old playing with the kids and that she felt that it was innocent.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 06-02-2011, 02:29 PM
daycare's Avatar
daycare daycare is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Mars
Posts: 16,021
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal View Post
I find it offensive that (by some providers here) it is automatically assumed that this young man must have been up to no good and that "Normal 16 year old boys don't play with 4 year old girls" Are you saying an older brother shouldn't play with his little sister, or an uncle shouldn't play with his niece.....god forbid they should do that, they wouldn't be considered "normal"

My son played a significant role in my program when he still lived at home. In California, at 14 years old, anyone can be an assistant. AND, it doesn't have to be reported to licensing when doing so..... the only stipulation is that if licensing comes for a visit you have proof that the child is 14 or older. If they are 18 then they have to be fingerprinted, cpr cert. etc. My son was a FABULOUS addition to my program, and my husband works with me full time as well....he plays with the kids ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. My son, now 20, still stops by from time to time and plays with the kids. They ADORE him. If everyone thought like some of you do I, as well as countless other providers, would not be in business. Are those of you with sons going to keep them completely 100% away from daycare? I think that's not likely.

I am surprised some of you jumped on that when the OP clearly stated that she was not concerned about the 16 year old playing with the kids and that she felt that it was innocent.
great points here crystal....
like I said, I see nothing wrong with it unless the teenage boy was going outside the home to seek out playing with little girls of this age...

Like you, I am in CA as is the OP. I just see a lot of unprofessinalism here in this case and thats it...
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 06-02-2011, 03:13 PM
jen jen is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,808
Default

My dck love my 17 year old as well! Just this week he was walking up the stairs and one of the little daycare kids hugged his legs when he walked by! Fortunately no one here thinks its weird that my son is good to the daycare kids!
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 06-02-2011, 08:40 PM
Michelle's Avatar
Michelle Michelle is offline
Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,683
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by daycare View Post
OMG that is the cutest thing I have ever heard....lol can you rent him out?

I keep telling him he's going to be a good daddy someday.
Reply With Quote
  #31  
Old 06-02-2011, 08:58 PM
Unregistered
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default except...this 16 yo boy

tickled two girls until they were upset and came in to get help.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 06-03-2011, 06:14 PM
Hunni Bee's Avatar
Hunni Bee Hunni Bee is offline
False Sense Of Authority
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Over the Rainbow...
Posts: 2,315
Default

I just couldn't be comfortable with that. I was taught as a little girl never to allow an older boy or man put his hands on me, and I would teach my daughter that as well.

I just don't feel that if I send my 4yo daughter to daycare, she needs to play alone with a 16yo boy or that he needs to touch her. I don't think I'd mind if he played with all the kids in sight of the DCP, and he played non-touching games with them.

Plus, little kids need to start learning about boundaries and "good touch bad touch" at that age. I'm sorry, but the world we live in now is not that safe for kids anymore. They need to know that a older kid or adult doesn't get to just put their hands on their bodies just because they want to, even a slightly familiar one.
Although, I don't go into body discussions with my kids because I don't know what their parents want them to know, I tell that they have the right to tell any person not to touch them if they feel uncomfortable, and the only people that should be allowed to see or touch their bodies is them, whoever takes care of them at home and me (I still have to help with wiping, etc sometimes) - and that they can even tell me not to touch them.

Im glad the OP's daughter was savvy enough to tell when she didn't like someone's touch. Im sorry, but I don't like this at all. I would definitely leave.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 06-04-2011, 03:55 PM
LittleD's Avatar
LittleD LittleD is offline
Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 394
Default

What I see id a lot of providers trying to put themselves in Gladys shoes. I'm glad that all your teen age boys love the dck, that's great. But, it doesn't mean that all providers teens like to play with the kids. And yes, having a report made can be harmful to a provider, especially if it is unwarranted. OP stated "but I do know she told me only her or her husband were allowed to care for the kids." If California laws state that teens 14 and up can be assistants, why is THIS teen not "allowed" to? (just something to chew on there)
Also, I'm not sure what happens when a report is filed there, but here where I am (Ontario) there is an interview with the provider, and they determine whether or not the complaint is valid. I'd like to know what the OP is wanting to complain about exactly. To me (as a provider AND a mother) I thought he/she was watching them doesn't cut it. It is their job to make sure the children are being supervised and considering only the husband or wife are allowed to watch them, then only they should be supervised. I don't care if the kids didn't want to come in, you bring them in. The other parent could wait to have (as OP stated a heated) discussion until the children were supervised. Of course, this is just my opinion!
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 06-06-2011, 12:44 PM
workingfromhomemom's Avatar
workingfromhomemom workingfromhomemom is offline
New Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
Default

Thanks for all the replies. I should mention a couple of things. I still do not think anything sexual happened with the 16 year old. I don't know the laws of CA and I honestly don't know if my daughter and niece were left alone out back or with the 16 year old. Either way I do know the husband and wife both thought the other one had the kids. The husband was on the computer and the wife was talking with another parent.

My biggest concern by far was the way that my complaint was handled. I talked to her about two days after initial incident (happened on Mon night, I brought it up on wed night). She flipped out despite the fact that I said over and over that I didn't think anything weird happened. Her reaction was not normal. I approached her calmly, respectfully, and professionally. And later she told my brother that she had never in her life been approached by someone so aggressively and angry as me! What the F??? It was so strange. I also didn't like how she reprimanded the girls for staying outside alone and also not even acknowledging that they got tickled. She just kept insisting that the girls were the ones to jump on them. Way to make a child's feelings validated.

I will never teach my daughters to fear being touched by older boys or men. I can not in good faith teach them a blanket statement like that. My girls have an 11 year old brother that adore them. But I do teach my 4 year old that her body is her space and that is she EVER feels uncomfortable with ANY kind of touch she can come get a grown up she trusts. I did have a full convo on the way home with her the night of the incident. I did not lead her in any way but I went all over her body asking where the boy tickled her (feet, head, etc. included) and how he touched her and all her answers seemed totally fine. My very in tune intuition tells me nothing happened. But my intuition also says that nothing is an accident and I believe she is no longer there for a reason. Not sure what that is yet.

So, last week the DCP left a bag of my dd stuff on my porch with a note that said "Sorry things didn't work out and I hope you find what you are looking for." I sent her a detailed letter stating exactly what happened to her and her husband. I never got a chance to talk to him and he is a provider too. I wanted them both to know what I feel went wrong and why. I have, of course, not heard from them since.

We found a great preschool for my dd and my niece. They are both over four and are ready for a more structured preschool environment. I think they will love it.

Oh, by the way, when my brother went in and talked to her about leaving he was prepared to give the standard two weeks notice. She said no, we don't need any notice, and went to get my niece's stuff. She also told him that he is controlled by me and my mom and that my niece is a poor sport in many situations and that he should work on that. She also said my niece would do well in her new preschool. But was all that extra BS comments really necessary?

Although this whole thing has been incredibly bizarre I am still having a hard time deciding to report.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 06-06-2011, 01:39 PM
sharlan's Avatar
sharlan sharlan is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chino, California
Posts: 6,037
Default

I don't really see anything worth reporting.

Just be happy that your daughter and niece are in a new facility. Time to let it go and move on.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 06-06-2011, 03:14 PM
youretooloud's Avatar
youretooloud youretooloud is offline
Advanced Daycare.com Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: The desert.
Posts: 1,958
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by workingfromhomemom View Post
She also told him that he is controlled by me and my mom and that my niece is a poor sport in many situations and that he should work on that. She also said my niece would do well in her new preschool. But was all that extra BS comments really necessary?

Although this whole thing has been incredibly bizarre I am still having a hard time deciding to report.
Wow... so, I bet this behavior worked for her when she was 16 and for some reason, she never got past that stage.

I am so glad you got out of there... a good provider is sad to see her kids leave. Her reaction shows you that she's not much more mature than the kids she's caring for.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
abuse

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Switching From A Church Daycare To Home Daycare Unregistered Parents and Guardians Forum 7 12-03-2012 08:50 AM
Going From Home Daycare Provider to Nanny Registered but logged out Daycare Center and Family Home Forum 7 11-24-2012 03:27 PM
Death in CA Home Daycare -Please Help Unregistered Daycare Center and Family Home Forum 18 06-07-2011 12:04 PM
Interview Tomorrow/How To Make My Home More Appealing! momofboys Daycare Center and Family Home Forum 27 01-31-2011 09:54 AM
Does Anyone Home School??? Michael Daycare Center and Family Home Forum 2 01-11-2011 08:16 AM


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:39 AM.



Daycare.com         Find A Daycare         List Your Daycare         Toys & Products                 About Us

Daycare.com
Please read our Disclaimer before continuing.

Topics pertain mainly to the following States:

Alabama Alaska Arizona Arkansas California Colorado Connecticut Delaware District of Columbia Florida Georgia Hawaii Idaho Illinois Indiana Iowa Kansas Kentucky Louisiana Maine Maryland Massachusetts Michigan Minnesota Mississippi Missouri Montana Nebraska Nevada New Hampshire New Jersey New Mexico New York North Carolina North Dakota Ohio Oklahoma Oregon Pennsylvania Rhode Island South Carolina South Dakota Tennessee Texas Utah Vermont Virginia Washington West Virginia Wisconsin Wyoming