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Old 02-01-2021, 07:48 PM
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Thumbs down Disappointed - Rant

I run a home daycare.

I have a new dck that just started. We did a couple "play date" type days before care started because mom was super worried about leaving her 20 month old for the first time. During those times, everything seemed great! The child seemed really easy going and mom kept telling me what an easy child they were. Mom also seemed awesome and it felt like we were on the same page and this was finally going to be a great new childcare relationship!

I also have my own child during daycare hours, who is the same age.

Well, the first day of actual care mom informs me at drop off that she's concerned about nap time. She says the child has never been put to sleep on their own and every nap and bed time, either mom or dad holds them until they fall asleep. This was not mentioned prior and I even have a section in my enrollment form asking for specific details about nap time rituals and requirements.

So if course nap time is a disaster. I put the child in a pnp and they about had a full mental breakdown. Screaming, thrashing, shrieking over and over. I tried a cot and I got slapped, screamed at and then the child just stood there shrieking over and over. No tears, just an absolute high-volume meltdown.

I tried holding the child which worked for a while but if I even so much as shifted my weight, they were back to shrieking (just AHHHHH! AHHHHH!! EEEEEEEE!!!) and trying to claw their way up my body to cling on, nails dug in and legs practically embedded into my rib cage. This obviously will not fly. I have another child who is trying to sleep who I also need to be checking up on and adult things to do. I HAVE to be able to move around. So not only did I get no break, no time to clean and no chance to use the bathroom, eat or fill my water glass for 10 straight hours WHILE being pregnant and exhausted, but my own child didn't get a nap and this shrieking child was so worked up and exhausted, the rest of the day was also just disastrous.

The second day, I had to leave the child to scream in a safe place while I put my child to bed on the other side of the house. I held the shrieking child for a good hour and a half but it was more of the same if I shifted or even turned my head to cough. I gave up and just started their snack early.

So at pickup I explain our situation and mom tells me I have to find a different room in my house for the child to sleep in, the toy room is too distracting, and I need to "hold and cuddle" the child for their whole nap! She suggested I should do it on the couch in front of the TV, like they do at home.

1. I have designated daycare spots in my house. We do not use my family space for daycare and I am not willing to bring this child into my family space. (It's MY space and plus, with or without covid, I don't want another room to clean at the end of the day - this child is a hardcore dumper and dumps toys and books and anything else the second they walk into a room - then just screams if they step on or trip over something before I can pick it up then shrieks to be picked up and cuddled).

2. I don't think it's reasonable to expect me to give up my entire break time to coddle one child and completely disregard my own (I tried to joke to mom that my kid was getting jealous of her's being held all the time and she didn't even blink. More on this in a sec) AS WELL AS my own personal needs

3. I don't WANT to spend two straight hours on my butt in front of the TV, let alone holding and snuggling a child who constantly uses volume and pain against me.

So this is where my issue really is. Mom seemed so reasonable initially but now I'm just shocked. How could anyone think this is a reasonable request when they KNOW I have another child in my care? Even asking it of a nanny seems over the top for me. I'm human and I deserve a break and a chance to go to the bathroom. This is NOT typical for a nearly 2 year old to not be able to lie down alone (plus some of the other stuff I'm not even getting into) or to self soothe.

And the disappointment deepens.

I thought I noticed a few things during our initial playdates but I just brushed it off. Now I'm really starting to stew in it though. If my child brings this DCM a toy or book, she'll toss it aside and move away from them. At least in front of me DCM will say something like "maybe later" but I'm pretty sure I saw her irritatedly grab a toy my child held out to her and push it hard across the floor then turn her back to them once when I ran to wash my hands.

I get it, not everyone likes other people's kids but come on. My child is super friendly but not overly clingy. I get that I'm the caregiver so it's expected of me to form a bond with her child but it's weird to have had her child climbing all over me during the play dates and I'm expected to hold and cuddle and love up on this child for 10 hours a day but she can't just be polite for the few minutes at pickup. And it's not like I let my child climb all over her. I pull them back and remind them that she is here to get her baby that she missed all day. But then she physically turns away and blocks my child from getting close to her and then thinks it's adorable that her child spends the next few minutes repeatedly yanking on me to try to get me to kiss them goodbye while she coos about what an adorable little kid they are.

Like?? Does she even think that maybe I feel the same about my child? To me, my child is the greatest. To her, her child is the greatest. And while I will be professional and I am trying SO hard to build a bond with this child, she is still as much a stranger to me as my apparently overly obnoxious child is to her - and mine isn't screaming and kicking at her all day because they're not getting what they want!

I'm just so disappointed because daycare parents always seem so unreasonable or unable to see me as a human being. I'm meant to be perfect and completely flexible and willing to bend over backwards to keep everyone perfectly happy. But heaven forbid I have any human qualities like feelings, personal needs or a limit to how much shrieking I can put up with before I no longer feel like "giving a snuggle".
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Old 02-01-2021, 10:34 PM
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Ugh no. Just no. It really doesn't sound like a good fit. I think that is the worst age to start a kid in care too. They aren't old enough to really talk to about unacceptable behavior and are too old to easily adjust to the daycare scene. Please remember that (probably) one of the main reasons you are home with this kid is to be with yours. I struggled with this when I first opened 4 years ago. I learned to give my own kids the extra snuggles and to not let daycare children "claim" me. They have a mommy too who dotes on them. My kids need their mommy too and to know that they are extra special to me. I decided to stop feeling bad about that a long time ago. My grandma visits occasionally and the daycare kids have literally pushed my kids off of her lap. I just think this is wrong. Anyway, if you keep trying with this kid, understand that dcm likely gives ZERO Fs about you and your family. That's just the way it is. Don't allow situations that bother you to happen. Stop hanging out with mom or allowing her to linger. It will lead to issues. Work on getting that kid to entertain himself rather than cling. If a kid wants to throw a tantrum here, they get a safe space to do so and NO attention for it. No negative attention. No bribing or begging to make it stop. Nothing. I will give attention to nice, happy kids that don't try to hurt me or holler for attention. Safe spaces I use are: large playpen, high chair/booster, or pack n play. Use gradual extinction for nap. I would only go in the napping space once or twice for reassurance and work on the child learning how to be put down for nap without all the drama or snuggling. Group providers just don't have time for that.
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Old 02-01-2021, 10:43 PM
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Also, I have a "we only kiss our family" rule here. That kid is probably going to keep kissing on you in front of mom for attention as long as you let him. Try to switch the affection to hugs instead. I have had kids come with colds or cold sores. If you want to avoid that whole situation of children passing germs like those to you or other children, I think it's good to implement a we are huggers instead policy
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Old 02-02-2021, 02:40 AM
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Oh just no no no no no a thousand times no. Don't even let them back in the door. NO
Not a good fit dcm. She made the ultimate mistake(honestly just 1 huge mistake among many) about holding and cuddling their child to fall asleep. If anybody ever intends to place their child into someone else's care, holding and cuddling them for sleeping purposes is a huge NO. AND she never told you during the interview because she knew what would happen.
I tried a dcg, for not even a week. She was the same way; I couldn't put her down for nap and she'd scream the whole time plus she was at my heels begging to be picked up all day long; it took all the time to dote on her and no one else. By Wednesday I told dcm I could finish out the week but that was it. Dcm took her to a center and I don't know what magic they performed but 2 weeks later she was sleeping on a cot. A bit forward in time and dcm wanted to bring her back because I had her sibling; I accepted and she was fine. But dcm was always upfront with me and treated all the other dcks with respect they deserved.

Your dcm?? Too many NOs.
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Old 02-02-2021, 05:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jo123ABC;725881I
learned to give my own kids the extra snuggles and to not let daycare children "claim" me. They have a mommy too who dotes on them. My kids need their mommy too and to know that they are extra special to me.
I never thought of it like this, thank you so much! And for the rest of the great advice.

I was mostly just ranting so it's nice to see I'm not just being whiny.

We're into the second week now. Last week I tried to accomodate but still make our rules clear. This week, it's daycare time. I absolutely do not deal with hitting, screaming or shrieking and right from the beginning I made it clear that this wouldn't be tolerated. So far, so good. There's still lots of following me around the room whining and reaching to be up then dropping to the the floor and "crying" if I pat their hand or back and say it's play time right now. All non-tear crying = a break in the reading corner with no words or attention until they are done. It's getting to the point now where the crying sounds stop before we even get to the pillows. There's some independent play starting too so we're getting there!

Nap time is the same. I will not hold the child for sleep - not even at the start of nap time. I completely emptied out a side area except for the child's sleeping mat and nap time things. At nap time the child goes into their area and I go over the gate into the other room to clean up. The last two days the child stood at the gate and stared at me for a while but eventually went and laid down then fell asleep on their own!

I'm also going to try to start speeding up pick up time. I have a written communication book with our daily rundown anyway. Just one hug goodbye then get your shoes on. And if I just hold and cuddle my own child, my kid is not bugging DCM, I'm not available for all the "kisses" goodbye and my baby gets some one-on-one attention

Last edited by Blackcat31; 02-02-2021 at 12:50 PM.
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Old 02-02-2021, 07:01 AM
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  1. Mom chose to put her kid in daycare.
  2. Mom needs to understand that daycare is group care.
  3. If mom wants SAHM care, Mom needs to stay home.

Silliness.

I'd terminate.
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Old 02-02-2021, 07:45 AM
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Good! So glad to hear it's going better! This forum is an awesome resource for support from people who understand. I've been in your shoes before and completely understand your need to rant I rant all the time
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Old 02-02-2021, 07:48 AM
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Sorry. Did not see the update.

Hope DCM goes with the new program. Stay firm.
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Old 02-02-2021, 11:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
I never thought of it like this, thank you so much! And for the rest of the great advice.

I was mostly just ranting so it's nice to see I'm not just being whiny.

We're into the second week now. Last week I tried to accomodate but still make our rules clear. This week, it's daycare time. I absolutely do not deal with hitting, screaming or shrieking and right from the beginning I made it clear that this wouldn't be tolerated. So far, so good. There's still lots of following me around the room whining and reaching to be up then dropping to the the floor and "crying" if I pat their hand or back and say it's play time right now. All non-tear crying = a break in the reading corner with no words or attention until they are done. It's getting to the point now where the crying sounds stop before we even get to the pillows. There's some independent play starting too so we're getting there!

Nap time is the same. I will not hold the child for sleep - not even at the start of nap time. I completely emptied out a side area except for the child's sleeping mat and nap time things. At nap time the child goes into their area and I go over the gate into the other room to clean up. The last two days the child stood at the gate and stared at me for a while but eventually went and laid down then fell asleep on their own!

I'm also going to try to start speeding up pick up time. I have a written communication book with our daily rundown anyway. Just one hug goodbye then get your shoes on. And if I just hold and cuddle my own child, my kid is not bugging DCM, I'm not available for all the "kisses" goodbye and my baby gets some one-on-one attention
Good for you! Sounds like this may work out after all.
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2 year old, nap - disruptions, parents - disrespect, parents - don't cooperate, providers own child, screaming child, terminate - bad fit, unreasonable parental expectations

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