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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>How Do You Be Assertive and Still Keep a Good Relationship
TwinMama 07:04 AM 05-01-2019
Ok...I've got 2 families that are wonderful and appreciate what I do. Then my 3rd family takes advantage and just tells me what I want to hear when I'm trying to work with them on their child's behavior. I feel like they think I don't know what they're doing.

I would love to be able to be more assertive with them, but then I feel like if I'm bossy it will be awkward.

They literally want me to parent their kids, but they don't want to continue the process at home.

Dad will tell me one day that baby sleeps great. Never wakes up. Then he'll say the opposite the next day to mimick what's happening here. So it looks like we have the same issue.

Their little boy gets in trouble at school all the time. They keep it a secret from me though even though we're trying to work together on it.

Every time I start to be like "look...this can't happen...blah, blah" problem is magically solved and they work with me. I'm sick of having to "lay down the law" every time. I want to have a nice normal relationship with them.

Is it possible to have the best of both worlds?
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knoxmomof2 07:18 AM 05-01-2019
I think if you're trying to be assertive and it's not working - sometimes you have to decide those people aren't ones you want to work with honestly. Some are considerate, some need some assertive reminders and they get it and some will never show consideration. I've learned after 6 years a lot of the red flags to look for at interviews - personality types that just don't work with me, people that are bossy and rude, etc and they key is recognizing them and not working with them. It's so hard not to want to fill the spot, but you're signing up for years of punishment, or at the very least an awkward conversation about terminating care, if you do fill it with the wrong ones.
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Blackcat31 07:20 AM 05-01-2019
Originally Posted by TwinMama:

Is it possible to have the best of both worlds?
Yes. Completely possible.

Control ONLY what you can control on YOUR watch.
The rest is not your concern if parents aren't working with you.

I never ask how kids (from those types of clients) are at home. I don't care how they ate, slept or behaved at home. It has NOTHING to do with here/now at daycare.

Like I said in previous post, set up a guideline for how long you will deal/manage behaviors AT DAYCARE. Send home once you've depleted your abilities.

Baby cries incessantly due to being tired but not able to sleep because you aren't holding him or swaddling or rocking etc... Send home after you've reached the time you set up. For me that is 90 minutes. If a child under 12 months has a full belly and clean diaper but can't nap due to parental confusion and thus cries continuously, I call for immediate pick up. My role/responsibility only goes to here. Parents must parent after my line has been met.

Hungry baby at drop off?
"DCM, when did baby last eat?"
(mom says he hasn't yet)
"Oh, he hasn't eaten yet? I am sorry but licensing requires me to hold an infant while feeding and I have other kids in care so you'll have to take baby back home and feed him. Bring him back as soon as his belly is full and he's ready to join the rest of us. As you can see managing multiple kids is way harder than just one little one so thank you for following my policies as that makes it easier for all of us, including baby Johnny!"

Parents must parent after my line has been met.

Basically being assertive isn't being bossy or bitchy.
It is simply following a set of rules that support everyone as a group and not just ONE family or ONE child.

Once parents understand that you are a GROUP provider and can't meet individual requests/needs above and beyond the needs of the group, it's super easy to be assertive and still have a good working relationship with your clients.

For me as time has progressed I've learned how to phrase things so that parents understand that perspective verses just what they want.
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TwinMama 08:01 AM 05-01-2019
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Yes. Completely possible.

Control ONLY what you can control on YOUR watch.
The rest is not your concern if parents aren't working with you.

I never ask how kids (from those types of clients) are at home. I don't care how they ate, slept or behaved at home. It has NOTHING to do with here/now at daycare.

Like I said in previous post, set up a guideline for how long you will deal/manage behaviors AT DAYCARE. Send home once you've depleted your abilities.

Baby cries incessantly due to being tired but not able to sleep because you aren't holding him or swaddling or rocking etc... Send home after you've reached the time you set up. For me that is 90 minutes. If a child under 12 months has a full belly and clean diaper but can't nap due to parental confusion and thus cries continuously, I call for immediate pick up. My role/responsibility only goes to here. Parents must parent after my line has been met.

Hungry baby at drop off?
"DCM, when did baby last eat?"
(mom says he hasn't yet)
"Oh, he hasn't eaten yet? I am sorry but licensing requires me to hold an infant while feeding and I have other kids in care so you'll have to take baby back home and feed him. Bring him back as soon as his belly is full and he's ready to join the rest of us. As you can see managing multiple kids is way harder than just one little one so thank you for following my policies as that makes it easier for all of us, including baby Johnny!"

Parents must parent after my line has been met.

Basically being assertive isn't being bossy or bitchy.
It is simply following a set of rules that support everyone as a group and not just ONE family or ONE child.

Once parents understand that you are a GROUP provider and can't meet individual requests/needs above and beyond the needs of the group, it's super easy to be assertive and still have a good working relationship with your clients.

For me as time has progressed I've learned how to phrase things so that parents understand that perspective verses just what they want.
You know what....you're right. I should worry less about what they do at home and more about my processes here.

They're clearly not working with me. By asking them and them lying to me it only gives them control. Is this what you're saying?

So basically I can say. We do 2 naps for babies. One at 9 and one at 1. If he has trouble with napping I'll have you come and pick him up so he doesn't continue to wake the others. That's it. No questions or inquiries about home. Is this how you're saying to approach it?
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Ariana 08:12 AM 05-01-2019
Once I realize parents are not on board with me, are lying and not communicating I cut off communication with them and just do what needs to be done at my house. Right now I have parents who are potty training. Very little communication with me and they are not listening to my instructions so she came today in undies. I told the parents that I will be putting her back in a diaper and reiterated my policies. So far she has urinated once in her diaper and has not asked to go...because the parents are taking her on a timer, something they know I donít do here.
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Blackcat31 08:18 AM 05-01-2019
Originally Posted by TwinMama:
You know what....you're right. I should worry less about what they do at home and more about my processes here.

They're clearly not working with me. By asking them and them lying to me it only gives them control. Is this what you're saying?

So basically I can say. We do 2 naps for babies. One at 9 and one at 1. If he has trouble with napping I'll have you come and pick him up so he doesn't continue to wake the others. That's it. No questions or inquiries about home. Is this how you're saying to approach it?
YES!!

When parents start realizing that their actions affect them they will start addressing the issue on their end.

Just as I cannot control what happens at home, I adopt the concept for here in daycare as well.

Parent says I cant' keep leaving work to pick him up.

You say "Well hopefully you are able to sleep train him at home quickly so that you don't have to continue coming to pick him up." (he sleeps more at home than daycare AND it's a parents responsibility to provide their child the tools and skills to THRIVE in daycare not just survive the day.) I stress heavily that parents are their child's FIRST and MOST important teacher.
I can only work with what I am provided. A baby that is provided the skills to sleep as they need to in care is someone I can work with as they have the skills to thrive here...make sense?

Yes, parents get upset when this type of stuff is required of them but it's THEIR child so it's THEIR job. You get better at helping them see/understand that the more you do it.

The parents that leave care...well they probably weren't the type of clients you wanted anyways so sometimes that is a good thing.

..and yes, getting too involved leaves you feeling annoyed and upset because they tell you only what you want to hear verses actually doing the hard work so stop doing their work and do YOURS.
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TwinMama 08:26 AM 05-01-2019
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
YES!!

When parents start realizing that their actions affect them they will start addressing the issue on their end.

Just as I cannot control what happens at home, I adopt the concept for here in daycare as well.

Parent says I cant' keep leaving work to pick him up.

You say "Well hopefully you are able to sleep train him at home quickly so that you don't have to continue coming to pick him up." (he sleeps more at home than daycare AND it's a parents responsibility to provide their child the tools and skills to THRIVE in daycare not just survive the day.) I stress heavily that parents are their child's FIRST and MOST important teacher.
I can only work with what I am provided. A baby that is provided the skills to sleep as they need to in care is someone I can work with as they have the skills to thrive here...make sense?

Yes, parents get upset when this type of stuff is required of them but it's THEIR child so it's THEIR job. You get better at helping them see/understand that the more you do it.

The parents that leave care...well they probably weren't the type of clients you wanted anyways so sometimes that is a good thing.

..and yes, getting too involved leaves you feeling annoyed and upset because they tell you only what you want to hear verses actually doing the hard work so stop doing their work and do YOURS.
Sounds much better!!! And....easier than what I'm doing.
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Valerie928 09:28 AM 05-01-2019
Originally Posted by TwinMama:
Ok...I've got 2 families that are wonderful and appreciate what I do. Then my 3rd family takes advantage and just tells me what I want to hear when I'm trying to work with them on their child's behavior. I feel like they think I don't know what they're doing.

I would love to be able to be more assertive with them, but then I feel like if I'm bossy it will be awkward.

They literally want me to parent their kids, but they don't want to continue the process at home.

Dad will tell me one day that baby sleeps great. Never wakes up. Then he'll say the opposite the next day to mimick what's happening here. So it looks like we have the same issue.

Their little boy gets in trouble at school all the time. They keep it a secret from me though even though we're trying to work together on it.

Every time I start to be like "look...this can't happen...blah, blah" problem is magically solved and they work with me. I'm sick of having to "lay down the law" every time. I want to have a nice normal relationship with them.

Is it possible to have the best of both worlds?

I always just go about my normal routine here with all my kids. I don't inquire about their behavior at home. We have rules and routine here and we just stick to it no matter what goes on at the kids homes. Kids seem to like a routine😊
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TwinMama 12:02 PM 05-03-2019
Originally Posted by Valerie928:
I always just go about my normal routine here with all my kids. I don't inquire about their behavior at home. We have rules and routine here and we just stick to it no matter what goes on at the kids homes. Kids seem to like a routine😊
I think that's what I need to keep in mind. It's not up to Mom and Dad in my house.
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Tags:backbone, blackcat, provider parent conversations, provider parent relationships, relationships with parents
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