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Old 05-03-2010, 12:13 PM
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Okay, I'm a provider and I can't figure out how to deal with a child. My 5 yr dd is on me all the time always asking for something or she's talking, talking, talking even when she's run out of things to say. "Blah, blah, blah, repeating now, Um, hold on a minute," (while she thinks of something else to say.) HAS to be the center of my attention at all times. She can't seem to stand me sitting down or taking a break. The second I do she notices her cup is empty or she wants some crayons that are on a high shelf or to go outside, etc. She is always very polite with the phrasing and tone of the requests. Now, I don't jump when she says jump and she's not neglected or ignored either though maybe she feels like she is with the daycare? (but I started when she was born so shouldn't she be used to it?), and she does this on weekends too... She is very bad about interrupting just about every time anyone else talks to me including other kids and also when the parents come in for drop off, pick up, or the worst.. interviews. She just joined a club with other little girls and the whole time the group leader was trying to speak to and teach them my dd was interjecting loudly all over the place and sometimes talking over her while the rest were quiet and then she got sobby when she couldn't be first while the other girls (granted most of them were 1-3 years older than her) took turns patiently and easily. She takes turns fine at home, so I don't know what that was about. ANYway, can someone on the outside here please give me some advice on an effective way to handle this behavior at home and away?
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Old 05-03-2010, 12:37 PM
Golden Rule Golden Rule is offline
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I would recommend sending her to pre-school at least twice a week. It sounds like it is time for her to spend some time where she is not the center of the universe Especially since she will be in school soon.

Not being a smart alec...seriously. I went through this with my daughter, sons, then later, my niece. It will make a huge difference for her to have something that is "hers" and allow her to become more independent.

"Center Kids" are notorious for this. My sisters (both school teachers) can "smell" them yards away. I am sure you remember some of the teachers kids back in school?

It can be hard to see when they are yours
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Old 05-03-2010, 01:42 PM
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nannyde nannyde is offline
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Okay.. pretend I'm talking about someone else's kid or your feelings might be hurt. I don't mean to be harsh so PLASE don't take it this way. This is my visceral reaction to what you are saying.

She's not needy she's controlling you. BIG difference.

Your description of her is what I call the "put out" kid. It's the kid who is always putting out and not taking in. The "put out" kid is the ultimate in controlling every second of the day of anyone who will listen to and abide by what is coming out of the kid.

As you saw in your outside the house activity... the world doesn't take too kindly to the "put out" kid. When she's in a group she can't be the one putting out. She needs to be the one taking in.

It's time to teach her to shush up and listen. Don't allow her to take over your every minute. Do NOT allow her to take over your business. A day care parent will smell that deal a mile away especially if they are a new parent. A new parent coming to you is going to want you to be clear of any force that will make it impossible for you to completely concentrate on their baby when the baby needs it. If your kid can't make it thru the interview without taking it over then the parent sure as heck isn't going to allow you to have the baby alone with your kid acting like that.

If you are going to have her be a part of the day care then she needs to be a group member when she's in the day care. That means she acts like a group member. Group members do not suck the life out of the leader of the group. They all get a piece of the leader but not the cream off the top and everything in between.

It's not fair to her to give her the impression that she can do this. She will be miserable when she gets out into the world and is in a class of 25 kids. If you aren't going to homeschool her then you have a short time to get her group ready. Use your group to do this.

She needs to be a part of the pack not the pack leader. If she's constantly putting out she is LEADING. She's too young to lead.

My son would do this too.. that's for sure. I have a very strict rule that when the dc parents are in the house that he can not even be in the ROOM with them. When he sees them pull in the driveway he goes to his room or his playroom. He is not allowed to talk to them or to me when I'm talking to them. If he interrupted me during an interview his world would change as he knows it. This is business and he can't interfere. EVER

Our own children pick up at an early age that we are "weak" when we are wtih the day care parents. They see that as a time when we won't be strict with them or exacting with them. Nobody wants to discipline their kid in front of their customers. Our kids smell this by the way we talk and the way we move. They know THAT is the time to go in for the kill to get what THEY want. I've solved this by not allowing him in the room with my customers. He knows from the second they pull in the driveway to LEAVE until they leave. If he does anything to comprimise my interaction with the parents it is a HIGH crime here and he will have severe consequences.

Nan
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Old 05-03-2010, 01:50 PM
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SunflowerMama SunflowerMama is offline
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Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
Okay.. pretend I'm talking about someone else's kid or your feelings might be hurt. I don't mean to be harsh so PLASE don't take it this way. This is my visceral reaction to what you are saying.

She's not needy she's controlling you. BIG difference.

Your description of her is what I call the "put out" kid. It's the kid who is always putting out and not taking in. The "put out" kid is the ultimate in controlling every second of the day of anyone who will listen to and abide by what is coming out of the kid.

As you saw in your outside the house activity... the world doesn't take too kindly to the "put out" kid. When she's in a group she can't be the one putting out. She needs to be the one taking in.

It's time to teach her to shush up and listen. Don't allow her to take over your every minute. Do NOT allow her to take over your business. A day care parent will smell that deal a mile away especially if they are a new parent. A new parent coming to you is going to want you to be clear of any force that will make it impossible for you to completely concentrate on their baby when the baby needs it. If your kid can't make it thru the interview without taking it over then the parent sure as heck isn't going to allow you to have the baby alone with your kid acting like that.

If you are going to have her be a part of the day care then she needs to be a group member when she's in the day care. That means she acts like a group member. Group members do not suck the life out of the leader of the group. They all get a piece of the leader but not the cream off the top and everything in between.

It's not fair to her to give her the impression that she can do this. She will be miserable when she gets out into the world and is in a class of 25 kids. If you aren't going to homeschool her then you have a short time to get her group ready. Use your group to do this.

She needs to be a part of the pack not the pack leader. If she's constantly putting out she is LEADING. She's too young to lead.

My son would do this too.. that's for sure. I have a very strict rule that when the dc parents are in the house that he can not even be in the ROOM with them. When he sees them pull in the driveway he goes to his room or his playroom. He is not allowed to talk to them or to me when I'm talking to them. If he interrupted me during an interview his world would change as he knows it. This is business and he can't interfere. EVER

Our own children pick up at an early age that we are "weak" when we are wtih the day care parents. They see that as a time when we won't be strict with them or exacting with them. Nobody wants to discipline their kid in front of their customers. Our kids smell this by the way we talk and the way we move. They know THAT is the time to go in for the kill to get what THEY want. I've solved this by not allowing him in the room with my customers. He knows from the second they pull in the driveway to LEAVE until they leave. If he does anything to comprimise my interaction with the parents it is a HIGH crime here and he will have severe consequences.

Nan
This is my daughter to a T. She was so disruptive during circle time today that I had to take her up to her room while I finished with the other kids. I try and ignore her but she just talks non-stop and needs something from me 24-7. I just need advice on what to do. Do I ignore it? Do I stick her in timeout when she is disruptive? I just don't know what to do but it's all day with her. And for the past month or so we're having bedtime issues with her. She will scream and cry for hours once we put them down. Used to be a good sleeper and is a good napper but at night has all these requests to keep us in the room and it's getting out of control and she'll just yell at the door for ever until she just wears herself out. We are at a loss right now.
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  #5  
Old 05-03-2010, 04:00 PM
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melskids melskids is offline
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you are all describing my son to a T. he is seven, and still like this. he does it in school, and the teachter is dealing with it there (in a way that wouldnt work here cause i'm not a classroom) and its working for her. we put him in boy scouts, and that seems to be helping in realizing he's not the center of the universe. now at home, with my daycare, this is going to sound harsh, but its gotten to the point where i now pull him aside and say, "so and so is in the driveway, when they come in, if you so much as say one thing out of line or act up, i am going to take (fill in the blank) away from you and you will never see it again." or " you will sit in your room for the rest of the week staring at the walls." or when its been a really bad day, i have even said " if you act up, you will get a spanking when so and so leaves." let me just tell you, i hate threatening him like that, but it is the only thing working. the trick is you have to follow through with it just ONE time, and they start to get it. i havent spanked him (actually never have) or taken anything yet, but i did make him sit on his bed with NOTHING for hours, and that just about killed him. now all i have to do is warn him each time when a parent comes, and he's been really good. i used to think i was a bad parent, that maybe i didnt spend enough time with him, that he felt neglected, or resented my daycare, but now i think it may just be in his DNA, or like someone else mentioned, he must have gotten me at a weak moment once, and it snowballed from there. its gotten so out of control now though, so i am really nipping it in the bud.

i just wanted to add, i do try to use positive reiforcement as well, and make him be my "helper" and make him think i can't get through the day without his help. this seems to be working too. and when he DOES behave when the parents are here, i make a really big deal about it afterwards of how proud i am of him.

Last edited by melskids; 05-03-2010 at 04:03 PM. Reason: wanted to add.....
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Old 05-04-2010, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Golden Rule View Post
I would recommend sending her to pre-school at least twice a week. It sounds like it is time for her to spend some time where she is not the center of the universe Especially since she will be in school soon.
Money isn't there to do that unfortunately. I'm not really sure about it being effective either. It just depends on the teachers I guess, but she's been in classes before at the rec center where the teachers were no more effective than me in stopping the behavior and she just "took away" from the kids that were behaving and I felt bad for them. But the number one reason would be that I don't really want to pass the buck. I feel like she's mine and any issues with her behavior are my fault and I should be the one to fix it. It's tough though because it involves trying to see the "plank in my own eye."

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Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
Okay.. pretend I'm talking about someone else's kid or your feelings might be hurt. I don't mean to be harsh so PLASE don't take it this way. This is my visceral reaction to what you are saying.
Don't worry. No one is going to offend me. I've apparently screwed up somewhere in parenting her and I really appreciate any advice on what to do here! Spoiled is part of it. She's very ungrateful when we do special things for her. She just wants more, so we're backing off on special stuff until we can get a handle on this. With daycare I can cope with and fix just about anything, but with my own apparently I'm not so good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
She's not needy she's controlling you. BIG difference.

Your description of her is what I call the "put out" kid. It's the kid who is always putting out and not taking in. The "put out" kid is the ultimate in controlling every second of the day of anyone who will listen to and abide by what is coming out of the kid.

As you saw in your outside the house activity... the world doesn't take too kindly to the "put out" kid. When she's in a group she can't be the one putting out. She needs to be the one taking in.
I make her wait or deny her when the requests are just for the sake of keeping me hopping. What she does next is either keep requesting other things or talking my ear off or if she's tired she'll get sobby (which we send her to her room for). We're just starting to realize we need to nip the requests too, no matter how politely they are put. Hopefully this'll make a difference?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
It's time to teach her to shush up and listen. Don't allow her to take over your every minute. Do NOT allow her to take over your business.
Any specific advice on what to say when I'm being barraged with otherwise polite requests and the repetitive empty conversation? I guess the polite part is what throws me. And I'm afraid of going too far in this and then having her afraid to try to talk to me when she really needs something or has something she wants to share with me. I feel so lame asking this, but how would you phrase it when telling her to stop this? I've done the "mommy needs a break, please go play for a while." Many times she hovers and looks like a pot about to boil over until she can get back to me again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
A day care parent will smell that deal a mile away especially if they are a new parent. A new parent coming to you is going to want you to be clear of any force that will make it impossible for you to completely concentrate on their baby when the baby needs it. If your kid can't make it thru the interview without taking it over then the parent sure as heck isn't going to allow you to have the baby alone with your kid acting like that.
Fortunately this hasn't yet impacted my business that I know of since I'm using my husband as a crutch on that one. He takes her when I'm interviewing and sometimes for evening pickup times. I'm really irritated with this since I know it's not fixing anything (even though she is mad she doesn't get to get in the middle of my conversation). Basically we're taking her focus from me and just transferring it to her dad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
If you are going to have her be a part of the day care then she needs to be a group member when she's in the day care. That means she acts like a group member. Group members do not suck the life out of the leader of the group. They all get a piece of the leader but not the cream off the top and everything in between.

It's not fair to her to give her the impression that she can do this. She will be miserable when she gets out into the world and is in a class of 25 kids. If you aren't going to homeschool her then you have a short time to get her group ready.
Agreeing 100%! And homeschooling or not, this is just not okay to be going on. Exactly why I'm here asking.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
Use your group to do this.

She needs to be a part of the pack not the pack leader. If she's constantly putting out she is LEADING. She's too young to lead.

My son would do this too.. that's for sure. I have a very strict rule that when the dc parents are in the house that he can not even be in the ROOM with them. When he sees them pull in the driveway he goes to his room or his playroom. He is not allowed to talk to them or to me when I'm talking to them. If he interrupted me during an interview his world would change as he knows it. This is business and he can't interfere. EVER
I'll try this having her leave the room thing and like Melskids said, stick to my guns and follow through if she doesn't obey me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nannyde View Post
Our own children pick up at an early age that we are "weak" when we are with the day care parents. They see that as a time when we won't be strict with them or exacting with them. Nobody wants to discipline their kid in front of their customers. Our kids smell this by the way we talk and the way we move. They know THAT is the time to go in for the kill to get what THEY want. I've solved this by not allowing him in the room with my customers. He knows from the second they pull in the driveway to LEAVE until they leave. If he does anything to comprimise my interaction with the parents it is a HIGH crime here and he will have severe consequences.
That's so true. I hate it when everyone changes once there's another adult here. I had to buckle down on that last year with all of my kids. Now everyone is pretty good and my dd is no worse when someone is here, it just becomes a bigger problem when I'm trying to carry on a conversation with another adult.
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Old 05-04-2010, 11:23 AM
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melskids melskids is offline
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you know, i wanted to add.....sometimes our kids might think that because there are parents here we might be afraid to discipline them (they are smart like that) and i actually used to be, and i think my son knows it.

now i will say to the parents "excuse me a moment" get down on his level and say directly to him very sternly and matter of factly, " i am speaking to another adult and you are being rude interrupting me. if you do not stop this behavior you will be sent to your room for the night. now go play nicely and do not interupt me again. i will speak to you when i am finished"

the first time i did this in front of a parent i almost died inside and was afraid they were gonna think i was horrible. the parent never batted an eye...lol and it is much easier now.

i think if she does this in public as well, i would explain to her if she continues to act like that at the rec, (or wherever you may be) you are going to make her leave. then when she does act like that follow through and take her home. JMO
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Old 05-04-2010, 11:24 AM
DBug DBug is offline
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Any specific advice on what to say when I'm being barraged with otherwise polite requests and the repetitive empty conversation? I guess the polite part is what throws me. And I'm afraid of going too far in this and then having her afraid to try to talk to me when she really needs something or has something she wants to share with me. I feel so lame asking this, but how would you phrase it when telling her to stop this? I've done the "mommy needs a break, please go play for a while." Many times she hovers and looks like a pot about to boil over until she can get back to me again.

It took me many, many years to get past this feeling -- I didn't want to hurt the child's feelings, but I still needed to get across what I wanted them to do. And then I realized, kids can be alot like men . Sometimes you have to just SAY IT! For example "You need to go play in your room now." Period. That's it, no explanation. Then cut off any interjections with: "Excuse me, what did I tell you to do? Go play in your room." (with a firm voice and direct eye contact). Then continue to cut off anything else they might be saying, while escorting them to their room. As long as you're not berating them, or insulting them or name-calling, I don't think it does a bit of damage to remind them that you're the mom and you don't need to give a reason.

You could also schedule in some daily Mommy and me time, when she gets you all to herself for 30 minutes (or whatever). Then, if she has something to tell you during the day, you can remind her to save it for your one-on-one time.
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Old 05-04-2010, 12:01 PM
Golden Rule Golden Rule is offline
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Money isn't there to do that unfortunately. I'm not really sure about it being effective either. It just depends on the teachers I guess, but she's been in classes before at the rec center where the teachers were no more effective than me in stopping the behavior and she just "took away" from the kids that were behaving and I felt bad for them. But the number one reason would be that I don't really want to pass the buck. I feel like she's mine and any issues with her behavior are my fault and I should be the one to fix it. It's tough though because it involves trying to see the "plank in my own eye."
I am sorry, I did not explain myself well enough, I guess. I did not mean to send her to another daycare, or pass the buck in any way. I meant "let her attend an actual pre-school". Where the kids sit in school desks, are with only other 3-4 year olds, with a specific curriculum taylor made to prepare them for school (see below). With 2 teachers whom are trained for this specific age group, only. Here (in Georgia) they are only half day (8:00 - 12:00) and 2-3 days a week. (Private and Public Pre-k) Many are free/lottery based, several are church/income based. Your daughter just sounds super smart and may benefit from outside stimulation. Not "passing the buck", preparing for next year. Public School can be unforgiving...

For what it is worth, from reading your posts, I think you are a great Mom. Babies just were not meant to be raised in litters and 5 year olds were never meant to sit in groups of 30 for up to 8 hours a day!! We all just do the best we can...and try to teach them to work "with us".

Mothers guilt will kill us all one day, at least that is what my mother always says.
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Old 05-04-2010, 12:20 PM
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nannyde nannyde is offline
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Money isn't there to do that unfortunately. I'm not really sure about it being effective either. It just depends on the teachers I guess, but she's been in classes before at the rec center where the teachers were no more effective than me in stopping the behavior and she just "took away" from the kids that were behaving and I felt bad for them. But the number one reason would be that I don't really want to pass the buck. I feel like she's mine and any issues with her behavior are my fault and I should be the one to fix it. It's tough though because it involves trying to see the "plank in my own eye."



Don't worry. No one is going to offend me. I've apparently screwed up somewhere in parenting her and I really appreciate any advice on what to do here! Spoiled is part of it. She's very ungrateful when we do special things for her. She just wants more, so we're backing off on special stuff until we can get a handle on this. With daycare I can cope with and fix just about anything, but with my own apparently I'm not so good.



I make her wait or deny her when the requests are just for the sake of keeping me hopping. What she does next is either keep requesting other things or talking my ear off or if she's tired she'll get sobby (which we send her to her room for). We're just starting to realize we need to nip the requests too, no matter how politely they are put. Hopefully this'll make a difference?



Any specific advice on what to say when I'm being barraged with otherwise polite requests and the repetitive empty conversation? I guess the polite part is what throws me. And I'm afraid of going too far in this and then having her afraid to try to talk to me when she really needs something or has something she wants to share with me. I feel so lame asking this, but how would you phrase it when telling her to stop this? I've done the "mommy needs a break, please go play for a while." Many times she hovers and looks like a pot about to boil over until she can get back to me again.



Fortunately this hasn't yet impacted my business that I know of since I'm using my husband as a crutch on that one. He takes her when I'm interviewing and sometimes for evening pickup times. I'm really irritated with this since I know it's not fixing anything (even though she is mad she doesn't get to get in the middle of my conversation). Basically we're taking her focus from me and just transferring it to her dad.



Agreeing 100%! And homeschooling or not, this is just not okay to be going on. Exactly why I'm here asking.



I'll try this having her leave the room thing and like Melskids said, stick to my guns and follow through if she doesn't obey me.



That's so true. I hate it when everyone changes once there's another adult here. I had to buckle down on that last year with all of my kids. Now everyone is pretty good and my dd is no worse when someone is here, it just becomes a bigger problem when I'm trying to carry on a conversation with another adult.
If you would like you can message me thru this site and I can give you my phone number. Maybe we can visit during nap time one day.
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