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Old 03-01-2011, 11:50 AM
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Default Crying At Day Care/Adjusting To Daycare

My son is 9 months old. When I went back to work last September, I started him in an in home day care which was an adjustment. Financially if I could afford to stay home with him I would but can't. The day care that I found was recommended to me and it was close to work so I could go and nurse him over my lunch break. The initial adjustment to day care was not so bad, he would cry a little when I dropped him off and then be fine. As time went on, he got fussier and fussier. In early November he was finally put on acid reflux medicine which helped him get along better at day care. By Christmas, the day care provider took some time off and then everyone in her family got sick.

My husband and I elected to keep him home with family watching him until after the first of the year mainly to keep him from getting sick. Upon his return in January, he struggled to adjust back to day care and eventually he ended up crying all day every day for several weeks before I was told that she couldn't do it anymore. We have had family watch him since Feb 8 to give us time to find a new day care. We found a good one and when I called to check on him I found out he was doing some of the same things at the new day care that he did at his old one, crying off and on and wanting to be held all the time. He is one who doesn't like to be put down (a fault of my husband and me not putting him down) and struggles to play by himself.

Today was the first day that he is at the new day care but it worries me that he won't adjust to this day care either and we will have to find another day care. I know it's going to take some time for him to adjust to the new setting etc. I need to work as I carry the insurance for our family. I have sent a blanket that I've slept with, have put a photo album in his diaper bag and read books about going to day care and how mommy comes back. Does anyone have any other suggestions to make the transition smoother?

Last edited by Michael; 03-09-2011 at 04:56 PM.
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:59 AM
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My son is 9 months old. When I went back to work last September, I started him in an in home day care which was an adjustment. Financially if I could afford to stay home with him I would but can't. The day care that I found was recommended to me and it was close to work so I could go and nurse him over my lunch break. The initial adjustment to day care was not so bad, he would cry a little when I dropped him off and then be fine. As time went on, he got fussier and fussier. In early November he was finally put on acid reflux medicine which helped him get along better at day care. By Christmas, the day care provider took some time off and then everyone in her family got sick. My husband and I elected to keep him home with family watching him until after the first of the year mainly to keep him from getting sick. Upon his return in January, he struggled to adjust back to day care and eventually he ended up crying all day every day for several weeks before I was told that she couldn't do it anymore. We have had family watch him since Feb 8 to give us time to find a new day care. We found a good one and when I called to check on him I found out he was doing some of the same things at the new day care that he did at his old one, crying off and on and wanting to be held all the time. He is one who doesn't like to be put down (a fault of my husband and me not putting him down) and struggles to play by himself. Today was the first day that he is at the new day care but it worries me that he won't adjust to this day care either and we will have to find another day care. I know it's going to take some time for him to adjust to the new setting etc. I need to work as I carry the insurance for our family. I have sent a blanket that I've slept with, have put a photo album in his diaper bag and read books about going to day care and how mommy comes back. Does anyone have any other suggestions to make the transition smoother?
Have you and your husband stopped holding him all the time? I know how much we miss our babies when we are away from the, and how great it is to snuggle, but if he's going to daycare, he is also going to need to learn some indepence. Unfortunately, unless you are willing to help with this at home, it will be tough for him at daycare.

How many hours per day is the little guy in care? If it is more than 9, can you find a way to reduce those hours?

Is a nanny a possibility?
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:03 PM
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Welcome!

Since you have noticed he is like this with every provider, the changes will have to be made by you and your husband. Crying as a coping mechanism is normal but you will have to help it along. I would suggest a few things, and maybe others will have more, or better ideas.

1. Make drop-offs and pick-ups as fast as possible. No lingering.
2. If possible, stop coming by to nurse during the day. Bring bottles of pumped milk instead.
3. While at home encourage floor play, playing with toys, being independent.
4. You can still pick him up obviously, but try to limit it. The providers cannot carry him around all day since they are caring for multiple children. If you want that level of care, you will have to find a nanny.

I really hope he adjusts well to his new daycare.
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:04 PM
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I was searching about this as well. Would like see more thoughts about this issue from you guys.
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:07 PM
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First off, don't blame yourself! He is at a good age for some serious separation anxiety to be kicking in, so it is natural for him to be upset when he sees you leave.

You can help by NOT holding him as often at home. This goes for everyone - you, your husband, grandparents, etc. Be in the room with him, but don't play with him or for him all the time. Put out some toys and let him entertain himself. He shouldn't rely on adults as entertainment, he will be missing out on exploration which is so great for babies.

Once he adjusts to not being held, start leaving the room for a minute or two (obviously somewhere you can observe him but he cannot see you). Tell him you will be back and walk away. Let him see you walk away. Talk to him while you are around the corner, and return WITHOUT a big show. Then move onto saying goodbye, you will be back, and NOT talking while you are out of sight.

I would not send a photo album with him, it only reminds him that he is not at home or with you, which will upset him. And most important, remember that he will be ok if he cries. Crying doesn't damage him. Crying is a natural emotion and he has a right to express how he feels. The important thing is that you help him move past this stage and come out a happier baby. He just needs to adjust to the fact that you need to leave. He will learn to deal with it.

I hope some of that helps! Hang in there!
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:21 PM
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I agree with what DCMomof3 said. As a provider (and parent of a child who did NOT adjust to daycare....EVER) I know this can be difficult and although you miss your son and want to be there for him in every way, you do have to make some changes at home.

I am currently going through this with a child in my care. He is the first child of a couple who are in every way great parents, however mom has let on that she can not bear for her child to cry so when it is bed time she will put her son in his bed and when he begins to fuss she gets him up and brings him to her bed and lays with him or rocks him until he is asleep. She said "He is so sweet when he is sleeping and he is growing so fast that I know I won't be able to do this for very long." I get all of that but it is also the problem.....when nap time rolls around here, (the child needs to nap; he is 9 months old also) and when I do not rock him or pick him up he cries.....non-stop!!

He has learned that if he cries, someone will come for him. If I don't, he gets hysterical......Now I can hardly bear it any longer and am on the verge of terming over it because although he is a great little guy and I love the parents, I am unable to provide the type of care their child is needing. The parents need to condition their child to be able to handle childcare or stay home with him. I know that sounds harsh but it is the simple truth of the matter.

I am not faulting anyone for whatever parenting method they choose to use; it is just that if a child is going to be in daycare, the parent needs to parent accordingly. He may be your whole world and you can drop everything for him, but I can't...not when I have atleast 6 other kids who are the whole world to their parents too..kwim?

I feel for you because it is tough....I was a mother whose child never did adjust to child care and that is what brought me to doing childcare myself. I don't know what other things you can do beside help your son be able to self-sooth, occupy himself for short times and not expect to be held continuously. Especially at 9 months since this is when the attachment issue becomes big in my opinion.

Maybe practice not running to him immediately and give him a chance to figure things out himself. Maybe only pick him up and cuddle with him when he is not expecting you to do it. I don't know, but I wish I had an easy answer for you......
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:23 PM
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I think everyone else has given great advice, I just want to add one more thing.

Make sure you communicate openly with your provider. Your provider will be much more willing to work with you and your child with open lines of communication. Understand that this is also hard on the provider... hearing your child cry for most of the day is so disheartening and can wear them down very quickly! Work out a plan of action with your provider, make sure she knows you are working to resolve the situation, and be patient.
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:39 PM
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He is in day care from approx. 7:45 to 4:45, I work 8-4:30. My husband and I have discussed me not dropping him off all the time but my husband has to be to work at 7:30 and leaves by 7:10 which would add additional time at daycare plus some mornings our son isn't awake when he leaves. Holding him all the time is something we are working on as we know that is the biggest issue with his adjusting to day care. He will sit and play with a vast array of toys and if/when I leave the room I do tell him I'll be back but he crawls to find me. He is a very inquisitive little boy. I am very guilty of going to soothe him when he wakes up at night and am working on that also. No parent wants to hear their child cry but I do realize that he needs to learn to soothe himself. He never had an issue with sleeping at the previous day care once he figured out the 'routine' was to go to sleep in the crib. As far as drop offs/pickups, I am the one currently dropping off and picking up. I try to make the drop offs quick, at the previous one as well as the new one. I don't go and nurse him anymore, production has slowed to where it isn't beneficial for me to do that anymore.

I understand how taxing the crying can be on all party's nerves. I also understand the separation anxiety and in a way I do blame myself. I want him to be as happy at daycare as he is at home because I know the socialization is good for him.
Thanks for the suggestions.

Last edited by Michael; 03-09-2011 at 04:56 PM.
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Lilbutterflie View Post
I think everyone else has given great advice, I just want to add one more thing.

Make sure you communicate openly with your provider. Your provider will be much more willing to work with you and your child with open lines of communication. Understand that this is also hard on the provider... hearing your child cry for most of the day is so disheartening and can wear them down very quickly! Work out a plan of action with your provider, make sure she knows you are working to resolve the situation, and be patient.
I agree...

I also wanted to add that your provider will be mentally tired at pick-up after a day like that (come on, admit it, you would be too) so please avoid any major requests or in-depth discussion.

Instead just tell her you'd like to schedule at time to talk because you need her help to come up with a plan to solve this for both of you... Try to mention you appreciate her patience and that you know he is work

You will not only make her day, but she will most likely be willing to help more.
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:21 PM
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I totally agree with the other providers.

Let your provider know you are making the needed changes. Stay in communication, and make sure she know how much you appreicate her.

If you wear out this provider....and move on to another, your son's issues will only escalate. Please help him now or you may find it hard for anyone to make a long term commitment to him. Then, you'll be dealing with much bigger issues than you are now.

Good luck. Thanks for asking for help.
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:49 PM
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You said: He is one who doesn't like to be put down (a fault of my husband and me not putting him down) and struggles to play by himself.

He doesn't like to be put down means that he has to have his own adult holding him up

He struggles to play by himself means that he has to have his own adult to entertain him.

Those don't work in a group care situation friend.

Think about this. Would it be okay with you if the other children in his care of any age... baby... toddler... preschooler... HAD to have their own adult in order for them to be happy and there was only one adult? Would you want your son to be in THAT group of kids?

What providers are being faced with is having nearly every kid that comes into care now needs their own adult. Your situation is the RULE not the exception. It's not just babies and toddlers as in your past and current situation... it's now preschoolers and school aged kids too.

ALL of the ages of these kids need their own adult in order to be happy. The problem is that in most care situations there is one adult with a group of kids who need that adult just for them.

In your first day care situation he needed his own adult because he was a baby. Now he needs his own adult because he has separation anxiety and has had at least four different care arrangements in the last five months. The other kids in your kids care need their own adult because they are babies, have anxiety, they bite, they hit, they fight, their bored,... they have ADD, ADHD, ODD, and on and on and on.

There's endless real reasons why kids need their own adult but the problem is most families can't afford it. Child care is where the "child who needs their own adult" meets the reality of "one adult for five children who ALL need their own adult".

You know now... five months into this that it doesn't work. You really need to figure out if he REALLY needs one to one or if it's just that he WANTS one to one. Trust me on this: nearly EVERY kid I have ever met in my 31 year child care career WANTS their own adult. The WANT is almost universal.

If he doesn't have any medical reason for needing one to one care then it is up to YOU and Daddy to work with him to get the demanding behavior stopped. If you don't do that you are going to go thru provider after provider.

It's not healthy for a provider to be around a child that cries when all of their needs are being met and they are treated with love and kindness. It's too hard on any adult to deal with that day after day. You don't want a provider to snap in a moment of overwhelming frustration and do something that will change everyones life from that day on.

It's time to get some REAL help and get this solved. He's been thru WAY too many care situations since you went back to work. You need a SOLID experienced provider who is going to be HONEST with you and tell you the truth of what he is doing AS IT IS HAPPENING. You and Daddy are going to have to start seeing thru his behavior and asking yourself "if I had four other kids could I allow him this?" "Could I hold him... walk him... rock him.. play with him all of his waking hours and do this with five other kids who want the exact same thing?"

If the answer is NO then you have to SAY NO and don't allow him to consume every waking second. He is old enough to get down on the floor and entertain himself. He's most likely walking and he needs to get on the floor and let gravity do it's job. He should be off and running and entertaining himself for LONG periods of time.

When you hold him... hold him SITTING DOWN without any motion. Get him used to not having motion consulation... which includes NOT holding him while walking around. You can hold him all you want but do it ON THE FLOOR.

Once you start consoling him ON THE FLOOR in your arms he will show you right away whether or not he REALLY needs it. If he rejects your comfort because you are not picking him up and moving him then he did not need your comfort in the first place. If there is really something wrong he will accept your holding him DOWN on the floor in your lap.

Give him a toy area and have him have at it without you playing with him. He is definitely old enough to go play toys without any involvement from you. Do whatever it is you do when you have him play and don't rescue him away from "go play toys" by playing with him.

I would make sure he doesn't have ANY battery operated toys or any toys that make lights and sounds. They set the standard of entertainment so high that he's not going to like being in a group of kids playing and not having a bunch of noise and distraction going on. Start by having NO screen toys or electronic toys in his play.

Put him to bed WIDE awake every night. Do not use motion to get him to sleep. He needs time to settle his own brain down... from fully awake to asleep without ANY motion or adult.

If I think of other things I'll post back to this thread... feel free to p.m. me if I can help with anything else.
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Old 03-01-2011, 03:39 PM
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The only daycare child that I have had that screamed all day was a child whose mom came to nurse at lunch. I have been doing dc for seven years. Just saying.
Pump and supply a bottle.
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Old 03-02-2011, 09:32 AM
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I stopped going to nurse him at lunch in January and he takes bottles with no problem.
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:03 AM
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Now he needs his own adult because he has separation anxiety and has had at least four different care arrangements in the last five months.

He has only been in one other day care setting since he started going to day care in September. We had grandparents watching him in our home after he was terminated from the first one. He has a toy area in the living room as well as one in his room but his room is upstairs so he has to be watched so he doesn't fall down the stairs as we don't have a gate at the top of the stairs yet.

He would prefer to walk and has started to walk around things but likes to walk with adult assistance. I suppose you're going to tell me that is wrong too. Sorry if I sound snippy but this isn't easy for me. I know I've made mistakes in how he's been raised and that it's my fault he is acting the way he is--I get that from my husband all the time and I feel bad enough as it is that he cries all the time when I leave. My stomach is in knots every day all day when I'm at work because of how he is when I leave him. I love my son more than anything in the world and I'm not making excuses for his behavior because I know I'm responsible for it but generally he is a happy baby.

I know I've got to stop holding him all the time it's not realistic to expect the daycare provider to hold him all the time and because it's taxing on her as well. She did tell me that she had another child who is no longer in her care due to the family moved, that did the same things and after 2 weeks adjusted well to the routine and being in her care. I don't want it to take that long. I talk to my son every night and every morning about going to her house and how much fun it's going to be. I suppose that's the wrong thing to do to, Maybe that's another mistake I'm making that is adding to his anxiety.
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:14 AM
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Sorry I misunderstood that you had a second caregiver in between the one he did in Sept and the one he does now. I figured it thru this:

Daycare one: When I went back to work last September, I started him in an in home day care which was an adjustment.


Family care: number two: My husband and I elected to keep him home with family watching him until after the first of the year mainly to keep him from getting sick.

Famliy care plus caregiver two: We have had family watch him since Feb 8 to give us time to find a new day care. We found a good one and when I called to check on him I found out he was doing some of the same things at the new day care that he did at his old one, crying off and on and wanting to be held all the time.

Caregiver number three... arrangemnt number four:Today was the first day that he is at the new day care but it worries me that he won't adjust to this day care either and we will have to find another day care.

That's how I got four. I must have misunderstood.
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:25 AM
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Now he needs his own adult because he has separation anxiety and has had at least four different care arrangements in the last five months.

He has only been in one other day care setting since he started going to day care in September. We had grandparents watching him in our home after he was terminated from the first one. He has a toy area in the living room as well as one in his room but his room is upstairs so he has to be watched so he doesn't fall down the stairs as we don't have a gate at the top of the stairs yet.

He would prefer to walk and has started to walk around things but likes to walk with adult assistance. I suppose you're going to tell me that is wrong too. Sorry if I sound snippy but this isn't easy for me. I know I've made mistakes in how he's been raised and that it's my fault he is acting the way he is--I get that from my husband all the time and I feel bad enough as it is that he cries all the time when I leave. My stomach is in knots every day all day when I'm at work because of how he is when I leave him. I love my son more than anything in the world and I'm not making excuses for his behavior because I know I'm responsible for it but generally he is a happy baby.

I know I've got to stop holding him all the time it's not realistic to expect the daycare provider to hold him all the time and because it's taxing on her as well. She did tell me that she had another child who is no longer in her care due to the family moved, that did the same things and after 2 weeks adjusted well to the routine and being in her care. I don't want it to take that long. I talk to my son every night and every morning about going to her house and how much fun it's going to be. I suppose that's the wrong thing to do to, Maybe that's another mistake I'm making that is adding to his anxiety.
Nah Mommy... you are taking my words the wrong way. I'm trying to show you the other side of this so you see what world you are bringing him into and trying to give you SPECIFIC help of things to do to get him "public" ready so YOU can go to work and your provider can dig her job.


I don't reccommend finger walking him at ALL. It's artificial movement that he can't replicate where you are balancing him against gravity. It's like a big light flashing... sound music... bleeping toy to his brain. It's too stimulating. It doesn't do ANYTHING to calm him and it doesn't further his ability to walk. What skills he uses to free walk on his own don't have a single thing in common with the walking he does balancing himself on two points of adults fingers.

He's better off doing what HE can do on his own. I've seen many many kids fixated on finger walking and have counselled many providers of kids who are fingerwalking addicted. Their happiness is built upon an adult holding them up against gravity and moving them forward... whhile the adult is bent over and can't do a single thing BUT fingerwalk the kid. The day care provider can't mimic that because she has to have her head UP and her eyes on the crew. Her hands need to be empty a good portion of the day so she can readily do what she needs to do with everyone.

Talking to him before and after day care isn't going to ready him into day care either BUT it's engagment with your baby and that's a good thing. Your body language when you pass him off and when you pick him up DOES matter to him. Be cheerful and show him that this is what you want him to do.

It's good that your provider thinks two weeks is going to be the improvement time. That seems like an eternity to you but in the scheme of things it's a blink of time.

Good luck and keep at it. He'll get it eventually.
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:27 AM
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I stopped going to nurse him at lunch in January and he takes bottles with no problem.
Well it is not the midday nursing then. I feel bad for you. By the way I nursed my own children forever so my nursing comment wasn't meant as anti nursing just my observation.

I know for a fact that my own kids would have flunked out of daycare!! I coddled, carried "too much" and did all of the "wrong" things too! It hasn't always been easy financially but I made the choice to stay home with my kids and I will NEVER EVER regret it.

Group daycare isn't for every child. Sounds like he is really struggling. Give yourself another month or so to see how he does and then consider either a nanny or stay at home yourself. Good luck....by the way...you sound like a good loving Momma.
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:30 AM
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Famliy care plus caregiver two: We have had family watch him since Feb 8 to give us time to find a new day care. We found a good one and when I called to check on him I found out he was doing some of the same things at the new day care that he did at his old one, crying off and on and wanting to be held all the time.

Caregiver number three... arrangemnt number four:Today was the first day that he is at the new day care but it worries me that he won't adjust to this day care either and we will have to find another day care.


Family care=arrangement #2, care was provided by grandparents/aunts in our home
Caregiver #2=arrangement #3, new daycare
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:33 AM
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Oh I see you are in Madrid. I have family that lives there.

I just realized you said your son IS nine months old. I thought he was nine months last September when you started back.

Okay that changes things a little bit. Is he pulling up on furniture or crawling?

My fingerwealking post above stands... it's a HARD habit to break.

Are you still able to send breast milk every day?
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:36 AM
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thanks, if we could afford it(I have the insurance for all of us) I would stay home with him but know that the socialization is good for him. I hope I'm going to have a month for an adjustment.
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:38 AM
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Famliy care plus caregiver two: We have had family watch him since Feb 8 to give us time to find a new day care. We found a good one and when I called to check on him I found out he was doing some of the same things at the new day care that he did at his old one, crying off and on and wanting to be held all the time.

Caregiver number three... arrangemnt number four:Today was the first day that he is at the new day care but it worries me that he won't adjust to this day care either and we will have to find another day care.


Family care=arrangement #2, care was provided by grandparents/aunts in our home
Caregiver #2=arrangement #3, new daycare
gotcha
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:46 AM
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the socialization is good for him .......
It is true that socialization is important....daycare is not the only socialization option though.

If he flunks out of daycare.....and I am not saying he will....the nanny can take him to the park, play groups, children's museum and more. He will have so much fun and much more one on one attention. Good luck.
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:53 AM
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He just turned 9 months old on Sunday and pulls himself up and crawls. Daddy started walking with him and he loves it, he gets upset if he can't walk due to daddy walking with him. It isn't something that is done all the time and he has a toy that he can walk behind but we have hard wood floors and they are slick so the toy gets ahead of him which frustrates him. We have since put the toy in his room which is carpeted but it doesn't roll as well. It's the lesser of two things I guess.

I do send breastmilk along with formula to add to it cuz production is slowing down.

I know and understand that you are giving advice to help me and that's what I asked for by posting here and I appreciate it. I just thought for sure that he would adjust easily because when we visited, he was happy, squealed and intereacted well with her own kids. I felt comfortable with the decision to put him there and so did my husband.

I give him one hug and one kiss good bye when I leave. I don't know if he has any 'memory' of the former daycare or not and associates this one with that. Things are totally different at the new one. I feel like I've 'broke' my child because he can't adjust to new situations. Yes, I'm beating myself up!
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Old 03-02-2011, 11:05 AM
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just found out that today has gone a bit better than yesterday, there have still been random bouts of fussiness but nothing like yesterday AND he's even laid down in the pack and play. Guess prayers do work!

Last edited by denack; 03-02-2011 at 11:10 AM. Reason: add more information
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Old 03-02-2011, 11:15 AM
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just found out that today has gone a bit better than yesterday, there have still been random bouts of fussiness but nothing like yesterday AND he's even laid down in the pack and play. Guess prayers do work!
Glad to hear it!
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Old 03-02-2011, 11:17 AM
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He just turned 9 months old on Sunday and pulls himself up and crawls. Daddy started walking with him and he loves it, he gets upset if he can't walk due to daddy walking with him. It isn't something that is done all the time and he has a toy that he can walk behind but we have hard wood floors and they are slick so the toy gets ahead of him which frustrates him. We have since put the toy in his room which is carpeted but it doesn't roll as well. It's the lesser of two things I guess.

I do send breastmilk along with formula to add to it cuz production is slowing down.

I know and understand that you are giving advice to help me and that's what I asked for by posting here and I appreciate it. I just thought for sure that he would adjust easily because when we visited, he was happy, squealed and intereacted well with her own kids. I felt comfortable with the decision to put him there and so did my husband.

I give him one hug and one kiss good bye when I leave. I don't know if he has any 'memory' of the former daycare or not and associates this one with that. Things are totally different at the new one. I feel like I've 'broke' my child because he can't adjust to new situations. Yes, I'm beating myself up!
Don't beat yourself up! You love your baby, I went through this with my son. I ended up quitting my job to become a licensed home day care provider. He was in a day care center and they did not hold him other than giving a bottle. I pulled him out and found a care provider with only one other child in her care. He LOVED her, but still cried at drop off. It's the age, 9-12 mo is tough for separation anxiety . As others said, a nanny or a provider with a smaller group may be best. My son 13 months now and around 12 months the need to be held constantly ended on it's own. Good Luck!
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Old 03-02-2011, 11:33 AM
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I just want to let you know there is hope. I started a DCB in the middle of December. He cried almost all day for two months. Then all the sudden he made a complete turn around. He is now the happiest little guy. It may take some time and patience but it can happen. I should add he was 18 months old and had only been at home with Mom previously.
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Old 03-02-2011, 12:01 PM
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He just turned 9 months old on Sunday and pulls himself up and crawls. Daddy started walking with him and he loves it, he gets upset if he can't walk due to daddy walking with him. It isn't something that is done all the time and he has a toy that he can walk behind but we have hard wood floors and they are slick so the toy gets ahead of him which frustrates him. We have since put the toy in his room which is carpeted but it doesn't roll as well. It's the lesser of two things I guess.

I do send breastmilk along with formula to add to it cuz production is slowing down.

I know and understand that you are giving advice to help me and that's what I asked for by posting here and I appreciate it. I just thought for sure that he would adjust easily because when we visited, he was happy, squealed and intereacted well with her own kids. I felt comfortable with the decision to put him there and so did my husband.

I give him one hug and one kiss good bye when I leave. I don't know if he has any 'memory' of the former daycare or not and associates this one with that. Things are totally different at the new one. I feel like I've 'broke' my child because he can't adjust to new situations. Yes, I'm beating myself up!
LOL! The one thing I can promise you...he's not broken! It will all be fine, it sounds like you are doing the right things...really, WANTING to fix the problem is half the battle.
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Old 03-02-2011, 12:07 PM
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just found out that today has gone a bit better than yesterday, there have still been random bouts of fussiness but nothing like yesterday AND he's even laid down in the pack and play. Guess prayers do work!


You know nobody tells you the day you take your baby home that this isn't supposed to be easy.

I have a ten year old and had twenty years of child care under my belt when he was born and I never in a million YEARS thought it would be this hard.

I'm not kidding.

You are new to this and it's a very hard job. You have to start thinking about things you never thunk before. Sometimes it's just a hard realization that what you do with your child can so dramatically affect other people. You found this out when the first provider surrendered. You are doing the responsible thing to start asking for help.

If you have a no "no" style of parenting.
If you have a "no cry" style of parenting.
If you allow a "hold me, walk me, rock me" on demand way with him...
He's gonna have trouble in a group that's being cared for by a non related adult and it's going to net you a rage baby who is too fussy for anyone but you.

You don't want that so it's time to start learning some new ways.

Keep coming back and good luck.
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Old 03-02-2011, 12:14 PM
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Keep coming back and good luck.
hear hear! We can all benefit from having parents here.
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Old 03-02-2011, 12:35 PM
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Daddy started walking with him and he loves it, he gets upset if he can't walk due to daddy walking with him.
Human babies are designed to progress in a very patterened evolutionary way. Almost all human babies do the same thing in the same order in the same time frame.

A nine month old being held upright and moving forward isn't natures way. They don't ever walk with their hands up in the air at shoulder width apart.
The reason he's getting upset when you stop is because you are giving him something he hasn't earned on his own. He needs the experience of what it takes to get him to be able to do that.

He needs crawl, scoot, pull up, one handed hold on furniture, roll over... etc. FIRST before he can propel his body forward on two feet. If you show him the world when you are managing his body he doesn't get the experience and development that comes with the things before.

He'll be happy to skip the hard work any chance he gets but it's not so good for him. A little now and then but if he fusses when you stop he's REALLY telling you that it's not good for him. He should be able to transition from Daddy doing special to him doing it all on his own without a single fuss. If he fusses he's telling you that what he did before was too much for him to handle.

He would be better off to have Daddy get down... even lay down.. on the floor and play toys with him... make car sounds... stack rings... Engage in stuff he CAN do instead of things he can't.
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Old 03-02-2011, 01:05 PM
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He does pull himself up, scoot, one handed hold on furniture, crawl and he rolls over as well. He even stands on his own for a few seconds before reaching for something or someone to steady him.
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Old 03-02-2011, 01:23 PM
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He does pull himself up, scoot, one handed hold on furniture, crawl and he rolls over as well. He even stands on his own for a few seconds before reaching for something or someone to steady him.
cool

It's doing that THOUSANDS of times that gets him to the point of being able to propel forward on two feet.

I was trying to think of an analogy and the big one that comes to mind is the feeling you get when you bite into a freshly baked Krispy Kreme donut after you've gone six months... a year in between having one.

That moment when you take that first delicious bite... you are thinking OH MY GOODNESS... this is the BEST donut EVER in the history of the world. I love love love me some Krispy Kremes.

We LOVE those donuts. We call them Krsipy Kracks. They are SO addicting

That feeling you get when you get something you haven't had for a really long time and it is SO so so so delicious or wonderful... THAT'S what fingerwalking is to a baby.

Now we love the donuts even more because it's been SO long since we have had them and they are so yummy... but to babies... ten minutes is the same as six months to us.

When they GET that artificial walking it hits their brains just like the Krispy Kracks hit mine.

It's okay to have a little sompin sompin special now and then but to have it be your diet or have your happiness invested into it...

Now that's a different matter. Crawling, scooting, rolling, pulling up... that's meat and potatoes. Fingerwalking is the most delicious desert ever in the history of the world.

Just be careful about using it too much. That's all I'm advising.
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Old 03-02-2011, 02:12 PM
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cool

We LOVE those donuts. We call them Krsipy Kracks. They are SO addicting
They don't sell them anywhere near where I live! I did try them a couple times and they are yummy but we can't get them around here....so I am outta luck!

.....unless you wanna trade some Lincoln Logs for Krispy Kracks......
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:21 PM
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They don't sell them anywhere near where I live! I did try them a couple times and they are yummy but we can't get them around here....so I am outta luck!

.....unless you wanna trade some Lincoln Logs for Krispy Kracks......
They are wonderful. Used to be you could get them at every Quickie Mart in town but the Quickie Marts got smart and started making their own.

Now I have to drive across town to get them hot off the press.
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Old 03-07-2011, 09:39 PM
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I think it is accurate that the current daycare environment is that "every child wants his own adult" but perhaps it would be more accurate to say that "Every Parent of every daycare child wants their child to have their own adult". How did expectations get so high and unrealistic? Group care is just that - Group Care. You are paying a group care price, not a "Nanny one on one price". Parents need to be educated and act responsibly so that daycare is not so hard for their children. For example: Do not practice "attachment parenting" if your child is going to daycare at 6 weeks! Do not co-sleep.

Pump your breast milk and have baby take it from a bottle (for more then a the weekend before daycare starts please)!!! When parents do whatever they "feel" like doing, holding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, never letting baby cry etc. they should not put that baby in daycare. It is just plain wrong to get the child used to this level of attention and then snatch it away so suddenly! If things like co-sleeping, attachment parenting, finger-walking and constant holding are your style of parenting do your child right by staying home with them!!! If you can not afford to stay home then make sure you are doing things EVERYDAY that prepare your child for group care so that he will not suffer. That to me is responsible parenting. Irresponsible parenting is doing whatever you want to "to make up for" the time he is in daycare and because you feel so guilty "your stomach is in knots". Newflash: It is not YOU that matters in this situation. Your child is the one that must endure so give the little guy a break and make it easy on him!

Last edited by Michael; 03-09-2011 at 04:55 PM.
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Old 03-09-2011, 02:21 PM
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Haven't posted here in a few days so thought I would give an update on how my son is adjusting to day care. He is doing AWESOME!! The drop off is going well, minimal crying, he likes playing with the other kids and was even content playing in the living room by himself the other day when the others were eating lunch. He ate his lunch early. He is napping for a good amount of time and lays in the pack and play as he wakes up, happy, and talks to himself. He is happy when I go to pick him up and I'm told that he has good days. His adjustment period didn't take as long as I was expecting and that makes me happy.

As for the post by the Guest on 3/7/11-I'm slightly offended by the comments, so if my reply seems snippy you'll know why--my son didn't go to day care til he was 13 weeks old. At 5 1/2 months he was diagnosed with acid reflux and once he got on some medicine for that he was and still is a lot happier baby. My husband and I have NEVER co-slept with him, he was in a pack and play for the first 4 1/2 months and once we moved he was in a crib which he continues to sleep in. I pump every day and he takes a bottle just fine. My husband and I don't view how we have chosen to raise our son as irresponsible. Yes, we admit to doing things that we should not have and if we have another child we will do things differently.
I don't try "to make up for" the time he is in day care because I have to work. I would dearly love to stay home but in today's economy that's just not feasible. My stomach was in knots as he encountered a new situation but wouldn't yours be when your child is put into a new situation? I've only wanted my son to be happy.

Last edited by Michael; 03-09-2011 at 04:55 PM.
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Old 03-09-2011, 02:27 PM
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Haven't posted here in a few days so thought I would give an update on how my son is adjusting to day care. He is doing AWESOME!! The drop off is going well, minimal crying, he likes playing with the other kids and was even content playing in the living room by himself the other day when the others were eating lunch. He ate his lunch early. He is napping for a good amount of time and lays in the pack and play as he wakes up, happy, and talks to himself. He is happy when I go to pick him up and I'm told that he has good days. His adjustment period didn't take as long as I was expecting and that makes me happy.
As for the post by the Guest on 3/7/11-I'm slightly offended by the comments, so if my reply seems snippy you'll know why--my son didn't go to day care til he was 13 weeks old. At 5 1/2 months he was diagnosed with acid reflux and once he got on some medicine for that he was and still is a lot happier baby. My husband and I have NEVER co-slept with him, he was in a pack and play for the first 4 1/2 months and once we moved he was in a crib which he continues to sleep in. I pump every day and he takes a bottle just fine. My husband and I don't view how we have chosen to raise our son as irresponsible. Yes, we admit to doing things that we should not have and if we have another child we will do things differently.
I don't try "to make up for" the time he is in day care because I have to work. I would dearly love to stay home but in today's economy that's just not feasible. My stomach was in knots as he encountered a new situation but wouldn't yours be when your child is put into a new situation? I've only wanted my son to be happy.
dont let the unregisterd guest bother you... they are just tryin to get a rise out of you...
You sound like a nice loving mom and dad with a new adventure ahead of you. So glad that your son is adjusting well and congrats to you for hanging in there.
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Old 03-09-2011, 02:32 PM
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Thanks, the new adventure is going well and we are so happy. Our son is so happy!
I just had to vent and get my feelings out there to the unregistered guest.
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Old 03-09-2011, 08:39 PM
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To Denack - I am truly sorry that I hurt and/or offended you with my post. I stand by what I have said (and don't think I said anything different from the others) but make one large clarification that I was not referring to you or your situation specifically. I was speaking generally and broadly about things ALL PARENTS should not do/do with a child that they intend to attend group daycare. I did not say or mean that you did these things at all . . . . The main message I wanted to send was that PARENTS SHOULD BE EDUCATED about how to prepare a child for daycare and that I feel so strongly for the children that are not "prepped" for daycare as they SUFFER, I have seen it too many times and it is horrible to me.

Please let me elaborate: I am not a provider but I can definitely say that I work in conjunction with the business of childcare and I have met hundreds of daycare providers (Nannies, home daycare providers and center providers alike). I have seen too many children TRYING to adjust to day care, too many frustrated, desensitized providers and too many parents with completely unrealistic expectations of what a group day care situation is able to provide for their child. No matter which of the 3 we are talking about, the final consequence is always the baby/toddler! He could be crying all day, not sleeping all day, sleeping all day, going hungry (since he refuses to drink from a bottle), "transitioning" to group care or the worst ultimate possibility, end up a a mal-adjusted, non-trusting, emotionally tramatized young child.

I have three children of my own. (Two of them were in group daycare situations at some point between 18 months and 4 years old). I will be the first one to say that I made some pretty BIG mistakes while learning how to parent. I also unintentionally (put myself first before my children) on more than one occasion and wound up hurting them in the process. Luckily, I don't have too many regrets, learned A LOT, didn't seem to do any permanant damage to them (or myself) and am proud to say I have three really great kids that I KNOW I did the best I could do with with the resources that I had.

My post was a result of my work and what I see is the current climate of childcare and parenting (education and skills). Let me give you an example of what I mean: I was at XX Day Care on Thursday of last week. This is a home day care run by a respected and admired provider that has had this business for 21 years. She has one part-time college attending assistant that works for her 3 days per week. She is always full and always has a waiting list (even in this economy). I have known her for 17 years and consider her to be the "cream of the crop" of providers that is fortunate to work with a high socio-economic population. She is a genuine lovely lady, with an ideal disposition, that truly cares for children and does her best when she is with them. She is very tolerant but also very honest when dealing with her daycare parents. She currently has 8 children in her care (M-TH, 6 on Friday) of which only 1 child is an infant and the other 7 are between 18 months and 4 years of age. While I was there, I observed her with the new infant that was 8 months of age. To say he was inconsolable would be putting it mildly. He would not stop crying no matter what she did. The things she did were change him, TRY to feed him, put him down for a nap, put him in a swing, put him in an entertaining excersaucer, carry him while atttending to the others, rock him, put him down to play with toys. Let me tell you what he did (besides the crying): if he was on a flat surface (whether laying or sitting) he immediately flipped onto his belly, tucked his legs under and put his bum in the air, changing him was next to impossible as he kept flipping. He was SO Strong and determined to be in this position that even when placed in the exersaucer he tucked his legs up, pulled his hands and arms into himself and just remained leaned forward in a vertical tucked position. The swing just made him scream! as he was strapped and unable to flip and he had no interest in the gadgets on the saucer, swing or toys on the floor. The feeding attempt was the worst as he was so hungry The only thing he did with that bottle was lick it oddly, "gum it" (for lack of a better term) until some of the milk made it into his mouth (only to fall right out of both sides). This poor 7 month old was searching and searching for that breast that was never to be found, In all these situations the crying/screaming continued and escalated. Why? Because no matter the situation that child was so hungry and the constant searching for that breast that did not exist increasingly frustrated and aggravated him. The provider shared with me that this was week 2 with this baby, that the Mom likde to sleep with him on her chest, breastfeed on demand when she could. When asked about the pumping milk and feeding from a bottle she told the daycare lady that she had "practiced" with him the prior weekend but preferred to give him the real thing if she was present. After a dissasterous 1st week in day care, she promised she would work on his independence by using a bottle, not sleeping with him etc.. When asked how it was going, the Mom would respond that she tried but decided, it was cruel of her to deny him what he wanted most and why should he be away from her in the evening if she did not get to be with him all day? When the provider tried to speak with her about how this was affecting the baby, the daycare as a whole and the provider herself as a result, Mom would try to make more suggestions of how to console her baby, spend more time holding him, try feeding him every half hour to see if he was interested . . . THIS IS THE ONE ON ONE CARE EXPECTATIONS THAT I WAS REFERRING TO. Think about all the other kids!! How would she do it? This situiation is very common and, (to me) the equivalent of torture for an infant! Also, this provider is TRYING by actually consoling and holding the baby (and I may get shot down for this) which in my observations of childcare providers for many years is hardly the norm.

This provider is the best case scenario for a child like this and but is a rarity in general . . . the reality is that what MOST other group care providers would do is simply you to say they "could not deal with the non-stop crying" and to please pick up your child. Then there is the possible over-frustration and borderline abuse/neglect that can occur . . . but I won't even get into that. Almost all providers, will tell a parent what they want to hear . . . that they hold children, console them, teach them, respond to their requests, etc. Again, I will stand by the statement, that most (not all as there are exceptions) will not do these things and the child is left to cry, until they learn (over weeks, days, whatever) they will not be responded to. Unless it is that chuild's 20 minute increment to be fed or 5 min increment for a diaper change, the child is accounted for and generally kept safe. Nuture and love are not commonplace in group day care. Too many kids, not enough time . . .

I do not believe that this ignorance of infant needs is not intentional and is not to hurt or neglect the child. I do believe it is simply a result of 1 provider having to work 10 -12 hour days and divide their attention between too many children. Most provider's choose to "act" the part at pick up and drop off in order, to perpetuate the myth that "they treat your children as they would treat their own". The poor parents are often tired, overwhelmed and choose to believe what they are told because often it is just easier to do just so. No one wants to hear and/or believe: Your baby was inconsolable and cried, screamed all day. Instead they like to hear, "He had a pretty good day Mommy, he didn't eat that well as he wasn't particularly hungry . . . I don't know why but he just got fussy about 5 minutes ago!

Please understand that these are direct observations over a 20 year period and not assumptions or generalizations.

So this is why I wish parents would be educated on what it takes for a child to be successful in a group care environment. My original post said not to "attachment parent", "co-sleep" etc IF YOUR CHOICE OF CARE IS GROUP DAY CARE because the child WILL SUFFER unneccissarily adjusting to the care. I realize that this type of parenting seems like a great way to maximize the time you are with your child . . . but it "unintentionally" is damaging to the group care child. The one it pacifies and comforts is the parent. The parent is not a witness the next day, as the child is forced to withdrawal at daycare when his needs CAN NOT be met and the provider has 7 other kids to tend to. By the way, I am a strong advocate of the above practices and any style of parenting as long as it first and foremost benefits the child and can be administered consistently.

I should have ended my post by actually commending you for turning to this website like this to seek help with your situation, ask questions, listen to what the providers and parents were telling you and putting the advice they gave to use. You are doing the right thing for your child and being a responsible parent.

For all parents that use or intend to use group day care for their child . . . don't count on being the exception, prepare your child, read the studies on daycare and children, listen to the provider, adopt a "group" mentality, choose quality care (and cut something else out if you must) and read your child's cues. There is a website that speaks volumes about the realities of ratios in group care and has hundreds of providers share their honest experiences. I don't like the name of the site as it is a bit sensationalistic (daycaresdontcare.org . . . but for those that can see past that and remain objective as they gather information, in can be a valuable resource (the section "Do the Math for DayCare" is invaluable for a parent to know). There are great daycares, providers and parents out there. Thank you for all the participate in this site to inform and educate. You can and are making a difference.
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Old 03-10-2011, 03:17 AM
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To Denack - I am truly sorry that I hurt and/or offended you with my post. I stand by what I have said (and don't think I said anything different from the others) but make one large clarification that I was not referring to you or your situation specifically. I was speaking generally and broadly about things ALL PARENTS should not do/do with a child that they intend to attend group daycare. I did not say or mean that you did these things at all . . . . The main message I wanted to send was that PARENTS SHOULD BE EDUCATED about how to prepare a child for daycare and that I feel so strongly for the children that are not "prepped" for daycare as they SUFFER, I have seen it too many times and it is horrible to me.

Please let me elaborate: I am not a provider but I can definitely say that I work in conjunction with the business of childcare and I have met hundreds of daycare providers (Nannies, home daycare providers and center providers alike). I have seen too many children TRYING to adjust to day care, too many frustrated, desensitized providers and too many parents with completely unrealistic expectations of what a group day care situation is able to provide for their child. No matter which of the 3 we are talking about, the final consequence is always the baby/toddler! He could be crying all day, not sleeping all day, sleeping all day, going hungry (since he refuses to drink from a bottle), "transitioning" to group care or the worst ultimate possibility, end up a a mal-adjusted, non-trusting, emotionally tramatized young child.

I have three children of my own. (Two of them were in group daycare situations at some point between 18 months and 4 years old). I will be the first one to say that I made some pretty BIG mistakes while learning how to parent. I also unintentionally (put myself first before my children) on more than one occasion and wound up hurting them in the process. Luckily, I don't have too many regrets, learned A LOT, didn't seem to do any permanant damage to them (or myself) and am proud to say I have three really great kids that I KNOW I did the best I could do with with the resources that I had.

My post was a result of my work and what I see is the current climate of childcare and parenting (education and skills). Let me give you an example of what I mean: I was at XX Day Care on Thursday of last week. This is a home day care run by a respected and admired provider that has had this business for 21 years. She has one part-time college attending assistant that works for her 3 days per week. She is always full and always has a waiting list (even in this economy). I have known her for 17 years and consider her to be the "cream of the crop" of providers that is fortunate to work with a high socio-economic population. She is a genuine lovely lady, with an ideal disposition, that truly cares for children and does her best when she is with them. She is very tolerant but also very honest when dealing with her daycare parents. She currently has 8 children in her care (M-TH, 6 on Friday) of which only 1 child is an infant and the other 7 are between 18 months and 4 years of age. While I was there, I observed her with the new infant that was 8 months of age. To say he was inconsolable would be putting it mildly. He would not stop crying no matter what she did. The things she did were change him, TRY to feed him, put him down for a nap, put him in a swing, put him in an entertaining excersaucer, carry him while atttending to the others, rock him, put him down to play with toys. Let me tell you what he did (besides the crying): if he was on a flat surface (whether laying or sitting) he immediately flipped onto his belly, tucked his legs under and put his bum in the air, changing him was next to impossible as he kept flipping. He was SO Strong and determined to be in this position that even when placed in the exersaucer he tucked his legs up, pulled his hands and arms into himself and just remained leaned forward in a vertical tucked position. The swing just made him scream! as he was strapped and unable to flip and he had no interest in the gadgets on the saucer, swing or toys on the floor. The feeding attempt was the worst as he was so hungry The only thing he did with that bottle was lick it oddly, "gum it" (for lack of a better term) until some of the milk made it into his mouth (only to fall right out of both sides). This poor 7 month old was searching and searching for that breast that was never to be found, In all these situations the crying/screaming continued and escalated. Why? Because no matter the situation that child was so hungry and the constant searching for that breast that did not exist increasingly frustrated and aggravated him. The provider shared with me that this was week 2 with this baby, that the Mom likde to sleep with him on her chest, breastfeed on demand when she could. When asked about the pumping milk and feeding from a bottle she told the daycare lady that she had "practiced" with him the prior weekend but preferred to give him the real thing if she was present. After a dissasterous 1st week in day care, she promised she would work on his independence by using a bottle, not sleeping with him etc.. When asked how it was going, the Mom would respond that she tried but decided, it was cruel of her to deny him what he wanted most and why should he be away from her in the evening if she did not get to be with him all day? When the provider tried to speak with her about how this was affecting the baby, the daycare as a whole and the provider herself as a result, Mom would try to make more suggestions of how to console her baby, spend more time holding him, try feeding him every half hour to see if he was interested . . . THIS IS THE ONE ON ONE CARE EXPECTATIONS THAT I WAS REFERRING TO. Think about all the other kids!! How would she do it? This situiation is very common and, (to me) the equivalent of torture for an infant! Also, this provider is TRYING by actually consoling and holding the baby (and I may get shot down for this) which in my observations of childcare providers for many years is hardly the norm.

This provider is the best case scenario for a child like this and but is a rarity in general . . . the reality is that what MOST other group care providers would do is simply you to say they "could not deal with the non-stop crying" and to please pick up your child. Then there is the possible over-frustration and borderline abuse/neglect that can occur . . . but I won't even get into that. Almost all providers, will tell a parent what they want to hear . . . that they hold children, console them, teach them, respond to their requests, etc. Again, I will stand by the statement, that most (not all as there are exceptions) will not do these things and the child is left to cry, until they learn (over weeks, days, whatever) they will not be responded to. Unless it is that chuild's 20 minute increment to be fed or 5 min increment for a diaper change, the child is accounted for and generally kept safe. Nuture and love are not commonplace in group day care. Too many kids, not enough time . . .

I do not believe that this ignorance of infant needs is not intentional and is not to hurt or neglect the child. I do believe it is simply a result of 1 provider having to work 10 -12 hour days and divide their attention between too many children. Most provider's choose to "act" the part at pick up and drop off in order, to perpetuate the myth that "they treat your children as they would treat their own". The poor parents are often tired, overwhelmed and choose to believe what they are told because often it is just easier to do just so. No one wants to hear and/or believe: Your baby was inconsolable and cried, screamed all day. Instead they like to hear, "He had a pretty good day Mommy, he didn't eat that well as he wasn't particularly hungry . . . I don't know why but he just got fussy about 5 minutes ago!

Please understand that these are direct observations over a 20 year period and not assumptions or generalizations.

So this is why I wish parents would be educated on what it takes for a child to be successful in a group care environment. My original post said not to "attachment parent", "co-sleep" etc IF YOUR CHOICE OF CARE IS GROUP DAY CARE because the child WILL SUFFER unneccissarily adjusting to the care. I realize that this type of parenting seems like a great way to maximize the time you are with your child . . . but it "unintentionally" is damaging to the group care child. The one it pacifies and comforts is the parent. The parent is not a witness the next day, as the child is forced to withdrawal at daycare when his needs CAN NOT be met and the provider has 7 other kids to tend to. By the way, I am a strong advocate of the above practices and any style of parenting as long as it first and foremost benefits the child and can be administered consistently.

I should have ended my post by actually commending you for turning to this website like this to seek help with your situation, ask questions, listen to what the providers and parents were telling you and putting the advice they gave to use. You are doing the right thing for your child and being a responsible parent.

For all parents that use or intend to use group day care for their child . . . don't count on being the exception, prepare your child, read the studies on daycare and children, listen to the provider, adopt a "group" mentality, choose quality care (and cut something else out if you must) and read your child's cues. There is a website that speaks volumes about the realities of ratios in group care and has hundreds of providers share their honest experiences. I don't like the name of the site as it is a bit sensationalistic (daycaresdontcare.org . . . but for those that can see past that and remain objective as they gather information, in can be a valuable resource (the section "Do the Math for DayCare" is invaluable for a parent to know). There are great daycares, providers and parents out there. Thank you for all the participate in this site to inform and educate. You can and are making a difference.
This was excellent. If I could wave my magic wand once to get an unregistered to register it would be on this post. Please join.
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  #42  
Old 03-10-2011, 07:08 AM
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Blackcat31 Blackcat31 is offline
 
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I agree....what unregistered said is right on the mark.

Also, as Nan said, the unregistered user should register and continue offering vital, truthful and sensible advice.
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Old 03-10-2011, 11:46 AM
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SandeeAR SandeeAR is offline
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Originally Posted by denack View Post
. he has a toy that he can walk behind but we have hard wood floors and they are slick so the toy gets ahead of him which frustrates him. We have since put the toy in his room which is carpeted but it doesn't roll as well. It's the lesser of two things I guess.
If this toy has any spot to add weight, take 2 or 3 cans of veggies and place in to slow the toy down. If he tries to pick up the veggies, you can place them in a walmart sack and tie it shut. Learned this tip from my DD who is a Childrens Physical Therapist.

Last edited by SandeeAR; 03-10-2011 at 11:47 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 03-10-2011, 01:07 PM
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Cat Herder Cat Herder is offline
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To Denack - I am truly sorry that I hurt and/or offended you with my post. I stand by what I have said (and don't think I said anything different from the others) but make one large clarification that I was not referring to you or your situation specifically. I was speaking generally and broadly about things ALL PARENTS should not do/do with a child that they intend to attend group daycare. I did not say or mean that you did these things at all . . . . The main message I wanted to send was that PARENTS SHOULD BE EDUCATED about how to prepare a child for daycare and that I feel so strongly for the children that are not "prepped" for daycare as they SUFFER, I have seen it too many times and it is horrible to me.

Please let me elaborate: I am not a provider but I can definitely say that I work in conjunction with the business of childcare and I have met hundreds of daycare providers (Nannies, home daycare providers and center providers alike). I have seen too many children TRYING to adjust to day care, too many frustrated, desensitized providers and too many parents with completely unrealistic expectations of what a group day care situation is able to provide for their child. No matter which of the 3 we are talking about, the final consequence is always the baby/toddler! He could be crying all day, not sleeping all day, sleeping all day, going hungry (since he refuses to drink from a bottle), "transitioning" to group care or the worst ultimate possibility, end up a a mal-adjusted, non-trusting, emotionally tramatized young child.

I have three children of my own. (Two of them were in group daycare situations at some point between 18 months and 4 years old). I will be the first one to say that I made some pretty BIG mistakes while learning how to parent. I also unintentionally (put myself first before my children) on more than one occasion and wound up hurting them in the process. Luckily, I don't have too many regrets, learned A LOT, didn't seem to do any permanant damage to them (or myself) and am proud to say I have three really great kids that I KNOW I did the best I could do with with the resources that I had.

My post was a result of my work and what I see is the current climate of childcare and parenting (education and skills). Let me give you an example of what I mean: I was at XX Day Care on Thursday of last week. This is a home day care run by a respected and admired provider that has had this business for 21 years. She has one part-time college attending assistant that works for her 3 days per week. She is always full and always has a waiting list (even in this economy). I have known her for 17 years and consider her to be the "cream of the crop" of providers that is fortunate to work with a high socio-economic population. She is a genuine lovely lady, with an ideal disposition, that truly cares for children and does her best when she is with them. She is very tolerant but also very honest when dealing with her daycare parents. She currently has 8 children in her care (M-TH, 6 on Friday) of which only 1 child is an infant and the other 7 are between 18 months and 4 years of age. While I was there, I observed her with the new infant that was 8 months of age. To say he was inconsolable would be putting it mildly. He would not stop crying no matter what she did. The things she did were change him, TRY to feed him, put him down for a nap, put him in a swing, put him in an entertaining excersaucer, carry him while atttending to the others, rock him, put him down to play with toys. Let me tell you what he did (besides the crying): if he was on a flat surface (whether laying or sitting) he immediately flipped onto his belly, tucked his legs under and put his bum in the air, changing him was next to impossible as he kept flipping. He was SO Strong and determined to be in this position that even when placed in the exersaucer he tucked his legs up, pulled his hands and arms into himself and just remained leaned forward in a vertical tucked position. The swing just made him scream! as he was strapped and unable to flip and he had no interest in the gadgets on the saucer, swing or toys on the floor. The feeding attempt was the worst as he was so hungry The only thing he did with that bottle was lick it oddly, "gum it" (for lack of a better term) until some of the milk made it into his mouth (only to fall right out of both sides). This poor 7 month old was searching and searching for that breast that was never to be found, In all these situations the crying/screaming continued and escalated. Why? Because no matter the situation that child was so hungry and the constant searching for that breast that did not exist increasingly frustrated and aggravated him. The provider shared with me that this was week 2 with this baby, that the Mom likde to sleep with him on her chest, breastfeed on demand when she could. When asked about the pumping milk and feeding from a bottle she told the daycare lady that she had "practiced" with him the prior weekend but preferred to give him the real thing if she was present. After a dissasterous 1st week in day care, she promised she would work on his independence by using a bottle, not sleeping with him etc.. When asked how it was going, the Mom would respond that she tried but decided, it was cruel of her to deny him what he wanted most and why should he be away from her in the evening if she did not get to be with him all day? When the provider tried to speak with her about how this was affecting the baby, the daycare as a whole and the provider herself as a result, Mom would try to make more suggestions of how to console her baby, spend more time holding him, try feeding him every half hour to see if he was interested . . . THIS IS THE ONE ON ONE CARE EXPECTATIONS THAT I WAS REFERRING TO. Think about all the other kids!! How would she do it? This situiation is very common and, (to me) the equivalent of torture for an infant! Also, this provider is TRYING by actually consoling and holding the baby (and I may get shot down for this) which in my observations of childcare providers for many years is hardly the norm.

This provider is the best case scenario for a child like this and but is a rarity in general . . . the reality is that what MOST other group care providers would do is simply you to say they "could not deal with the non-stop crying" and to please pick up your child. Then there is the possible over-frustration and borderline abuse/neglect that can occur . . . but I won't even get into that. Almost all providers, will tell a parent what they want to hear . . . that they hold children, console them, teach them, respond to their requests, etc. Again, I will stand by the statement, that most (not all as there are exceptions) will not do these things and the child is left to cry, until they learn (over weeks, days, whatever) they will not be responded to. Unless it is that chuild's 20 minute increment to be fed or 5 min increment for a diaper change, the child is accounted for and generally kept safe. Nuture and love are not commonplace in group day care. Too many kids, not enough time . . .

I do not believe that this ignorance of infant needs is not intentional and is not to hurt or neglect the child. I do believe it is simply a result of 1 provider having to work 10 -12 hour days and divide their attention between too many children. Most provider's choose to "act" the part at pick up and drop off in order, to perpetuate the myth that "they treat your children as they would treat their own". The poor parents are often tired, overwhelmed and choose to believe what they are told because often it is just easier to do just so. No one wants to hear and/or believe: Your baby was inconsolable and cried, screamed all day. Instead they like to hear, "He had a pretty good day Mommy, he didn't eat that well as he wasn't particularly hungry . . . I don't know why but he just got fussy about 5 minutes ago!

Please understand that these are direct observations over a 20 year period and not assumptions or generalizations.

So this is why I wish parents would be educated on what it takes for a child to be successful in a group care environment. My original post said not to "attachment parent", "co-sleep" etc IF YOUR CHOICE OF CARE IS GROUP DAY CARE because the child WILL SUFFER unneccissarily adjusting to the care. I realize that this type of parenting seems like a great way to maximize the time you are with your child . . . but it "unintentionally" is damaging to the group care child. The one it pacifies and comforts is the parent. The parent is not a witness the next day, as the child is forced to withdrawal at daycare when his needs CAN NOT be met and the provider has 7 other kids to tend to. By the way, I am a strong advocate of the above practices and any style of parenting as long as it first and foremost benefits the child and can be administered consistently.

I should have ended my post by actually commending you for turning to this website like this to seek help with your situation, ask questions, listen to what the providers and parents were telling you and putting the advice they gave to use. You are doing the right thing for your child and being a responsible parent.

For all parents that use or intend to use group day care for their child . . . don't count on being the exception, prepare your child, read the studies on daycare and children, listen to the provider, adopt a "group" mentality, choose quality care (and cut something else out if you must) and read your child's cues. There is a website that speaks volumes about the realities of ratios in group care and has hundreds of providers share their honest experiences. I don't like the name of the site as it is a bit sensationalistic (daycaresdontcare.org . . . but for those that can see past that and remain objective as they gather information, in can be a valuable resource (the section "Do the Math for DayCare" is invaluable for a parent to know). There are great daycares, providers and parents out there. Thank you for all the participate in this site to inform and educate. You can and are making a difference.
Rock Star post!!!! I also love that site.... Most going in think it would be bashing Childcare, but the truth is we all have our part to play in providing the best possible outcome for children. Sadly adults needs and childrens needs do not always meet as they should....
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