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Old 10-16-2015, 09:54 PM
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Default My Child is Becoming More Aggressive

My ds, just 3, is becoming more and more aggressive and sometimes in front of the kids parents. I let the parents know when it started what was going on and I'm aware. But one of the big issues is another dcg that is almost 4( she is his main "target", I know that sounds awful) that has picked on him since he was little, she takes toys and waits for his reaction, which is hitting her or pulling her hair. It has become a daily frustration to say the least. Well dcm called today after pickup to address how all the hitting might be affecting dcg (as if she dosnt instagate,and I've let her know that sometimes she does) so I let her know I worry about how all the instigating and teasing is affecting him but I know hitting isn't good (duh) and i do something about it. Any time I've tried to talk with her about dcg behavior she always has an excuse... this just rubbed me the wrong way so I told her if she feels like she needs to take her somewhere else iI will understand, but she tells me dcg looooves coming here. I don't really know what to make of it all but I won't let her make me feel like I'm doing nothing, Maybe time to let them go? Anyone with similar situation? Maybe if she goes elsewhere my ds won't be so frustrated all the time? I guess change never hurts?
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Old 10-16-2015, 10:23 PM
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I should also mention we are friends and I have voiced how bad of a parent I feel like i am because he does this and how frustrated I am with it, so it kinda felt like she threw it back in my face??? I absolutely did take it personal
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Old 10-16-2015, 10:38 PM
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I am sorry you are going through this. My son is going through an aggressive phase as well (he is 3.5) and poked a dck in the eye for NO REASON in front of their parent Other than consistent consequences for both the dcg and your ds and constant supervision and shadowing when possible, I don't have any behavior advice.

On a personal level, I would not confide in your friend regarding this particular issue. (I have watched many a friends child and sometimes one must censor one's self a bit when it comes to their child.) I would keep this behavior issue professional in the way you speak of it and remember she is a mom before she is your friend and she is acting emotionally, reacting to her child being hit. Keep the focus on what you are doing to prevent it.
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Old 10-17-2015, 10:35 AM
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Do you give your son a timeout or some sort of punishment when he behaves like this? Even if dcg was teasing or whatever he still has to know that putting his hands on another child isn't acceptable. I don't think I would terminiate them since they aren't the problem.
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Old 10-18-2015, 01:01 AM
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I abolutly do punish him,but sometimes she is the problem? I stated that in the first post...
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Old 10-18-2015, 01:03 AM
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I can't really term my own child either?? So that might be my only solution since its just her he hits??
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Old 10-18-2015, 09:44 AM
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It seems a lot of boys of providers go through this stage at around 3yo. I've heard a lot of stories, my son was this way and my two friends children were this way. We always joke about sending them to a different daycare. I know nothing worked with my son and it seems nothing is working with my friends sons. Redirection, time out, consequences were only good for the couple of minutes they were happening and then it's right back too it. It also seems like in a lot of cases there is one specific child that is targeted the most and that child has behaviors that instigate the other child. I think your only course of action is to term your friends child or make your son shadow you. Also, even though the other child may be inciting your child it's still no excuse to hit. If you decide to keep the child or if his behaviors start focusing on another child once you term you need to shadow him, teach him to use his words, cut out any rough play with siblings/dad etc., demonstrate proper responses and praise him when he does well.
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Old 10-18-2015, 12:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nanglgrl View Post
It seems a lot of boys of providers go through this stage at around 3yo. I've heard a lot of stories, my son was this way and my two friends children were this way. We always joke about sending them to a different daycare. I know nothing worked with my son and it seems nothing is working with my friends sons. Redirection, time out, consequences were only good for the couple of minutes they were happening and then it's right back too it. It also seems like in a lot of cases there is one specific child that is targeted the most and that child has behaviors that instigate the other child. I think your only course of action is to term your friends child or make your son shadow you. Also, even though the other child may be inciting your child it's still no excuse to hit. If you decide to keep the child or if his behaviors start focusing on another child once you term you need to shadow him, teach him to use his words, cut out any rough play with siblings/dad etc., demonstrate proper responses and praise him when he does well.
Thanks! It dosnt make me feel so alone. I definitely do not want to make excuses for him and I'm sick of constantly being on him about it so the shadowing is a really good idea
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Old 10-18-2015, 01:52 PM
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I also have special privileges my ds earns when he has gentle days. Watching a cartoon, playing with a toy sword, picking a dessert...is there something he would work to earn?

My ds works for TV time while I make dinner.
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Old 10-18-2015, 08:49 PM
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Thanks! It dosnt make me feel so alone. I definitely do not want to make excuses for him and I'm sick of constantly being on him about it so the shadowing is a really good idea
You are most definitely not alone! My youngest son drove me NUTS!
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Old 10-19-2015, 04:22 AM
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I agree that 3 was really hard for me, especially with my oldest DD. Mostly though it was being sassy with me, bossy with the kids, etc. Not fun.

Since you know it seems to be directed towards one child, have you taken a look to see when it happens? Certain times of day? Certain activities?

Can you make changes to your routine/schedule to help the issue? Perhaps less free play (if that's when this is happening) and more provider led activity? Or maybe if it's during transitions or when you are occupied having special activity at the table (so the kids are "up") I usually rotate who goes up and who gets to stay down, so everyone gets a turn. I reserve certain popular toys (magna-tiles, peg boards, etc) for table use only so it's something the kids want to do. When kids are being especially punky I set everything up as "stations" (both indoors and out) and I rotate the kids through in groups that I chose - setting a timer and everything. I know you mentioned shadowing your son, but what about changing the focus to shadow the older girl? Is his behavior better when she's taken out of the equation?

I would try the above and see if any of it helps make the day less stressful before I considered anything else.
Good Luck!
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Old 10-19-2015, 07:09 AM
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If her pick up time is consistent, that might be a good time to keep a few special toys for him. He can sit at the table and play nearby during the pickup.

It won't curb all the aggression, but it should help the aggression while the parent is there, at least.

I taught my children pretty young that they are NOT allowed to interfere with pick ups. It's chaotic enough. They were redirected if they even came close to the entry during that time. Not listening? I'd sit him on their rear somewhere until the pick up was over.

In your case, you could anticipate that and be proactive.
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Old 10-19-2015, 07:22 AM
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I had this same situtaion with my son when he was 4. I watched twins (one boy, one girl) and the little boy was very difficult. He knew just the rigth buttons to push and the second my son would get mad, he would yell out and tell on him, even though he knowingly did things to provoke him. He wanted him to get in trouble, because he enjoyed it. Of course, kids shouldn't hit, regardless, but it can be one of the hard parts of this job when it comes to your own kid. They already have to share their mom, their house, some of their toys, so I definitely felt guilty that I was bringing in a child whose main goal was to bug my son throughout the day. I didn't think it was fair to him. I began to just keep a very close eye, and when the boy would start to push buttons, I would go over and tell my son to come with me and lets start this project, puzzle, game, ect. Other kids could join, but I completely ignored the little boy and spoke to the other kids. He could come play, but if he started up again, he had to leave the table or activity and go play solo. It did work, but I got really tired of constantly having to do this all day, so I ended up getting rid of the family. It meant I lost two kids, but I cannot tell you how much smoother the day went after he was gone! My son has never had issues with anyone else. I know it is good for my son to have to learn how to deal with people like this, but I feel like one of the bonuses of doing in home care is that I can control the environment, so that is what I did. In school, if he had the same issue and it couldn't be resolved, I would probably request a change in class, so he wouldn't have to be next to a kid everyday for the whole year. It can be very draining to always have to defend themselves day after day and the effect it can have on their mood and behavior is pretty significant. I am happy I stopped watching the little boy and so was my son. He asked me a few days after they stopped coming if they would be back and I said no. He said "that's good, mom. **** is not very fun to play with anyway."

I also agree with avove posters that having a special activity for pick ups so your son is occupied is very helpful. I did have to have my son wait in his room twice, because he was acting out during pick up. It bugged him so much to be excluded, that his behavior shifted very quickly!
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Old 10-19-2015, 10:10 AM
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Quote:
I know it is good for my son to have to learn how to deal with people like this, but I feel like one of the bonuses of doing in home care is that I can control the environment, so that is what I did.


I have always said that if a child and my child didn't mesh to the point it was causing daily issues, then I would have to let the other child go. At the end of the day this is OUR house and we have to live here. I want it to be a safe, peaceful place for all kids, and that includes MY own kids
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Old 10-19-2015, 11:06 AM
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I have had to let kids go because their behavior was affecting my daughter. My daughter didn't choose this life, I did so it is not fair to put her under so much stress interacting with mean children. As soon as anyone is being mean to my kid...adios! I usually tell my kids to ignore mean kid behavior or if kids are not playing nice they can leave but that is different when you are in your own home and they have very little control over who they play with.
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Old 10-19-2015, 11:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Play Care View Post


I have always said that if a child and my child didn't mesh to the point it was causing daily issues, then I would have to let the other child go. At the end of the day this is OUR house and we have to live here. I want it to be a safe, peaceful place for all kids, and that includes MY own kids
This is how im feeling. She treated it like a 13 yr old has been hitting, not a 3 yr old. Now i feel like having her here is just a liability, my ds is playing just fine with the other kids, so im having dcg shadow me today.
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