Just A Thought About Relationships On the Home

I started thinking about this after reading another thread on here. I am in a same sex relationship and have a day care in my home. I always introduce my girlfriend as "my roommate" when people come for interviews because I don't believe it is their business what our relationship is, but of course they will meet her. I have certainly had potential clients act strangely during the interview and sometimes I feel it is because of that. Would you exclude me as a caregiver for your child because of this? Has anyone else ever had a similar issue? My girlfriend always feels bad and says she thinks itsher fault when the interview doesn't work out, I just say I'd rather find out they are uncomfortable now, rather than later if they didn't meet her at the interview.

[daycare]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I started thinking about this after reading another thread on here. I am in a same sex relationship and have a day care in my home. I always introduce my girlfriend as "my roommate" when people come for interviews because I don't believe it is their business what our relationship is, but of course they will meet her. I have certainly had potential clients act strangely during the interview and sometimes I feel it is because of that. Would you exclude me as a caregiver for your child because of this? Has anyone else ever had a similar issue? My girlfriend always feels bad and says she thinks itsher fault when the interview doesn't work out, I just say I'd rather find out they are uncomfortable now, rather than later if they didn't meet her at the interview.

nope would not be an issue for me. BUT I would say this.

If someone had a problem with it, then they are not the right fit for you and your program.

You don't have to disclose that information, you don't ask them what they do behind closed doors, and they shouldn't either.

People don't choose me sometimes I am certain because of my culture and it's ok, I don't take it personal. They just weren't for me. I have learned to let it go.

You only want the ones that are the right fit and you can't change people. Even if you could, you wouldn't want to.

Tell your SO not to feel bad. It's not her fault people feel that way and learn to let it roll off your back. who you choose as your partner has zero affect on the care you will provide.

I think it's a sad sad world we live in that would make you feel like you have to choose careful wording like 'roomate' to protect yourself. To me, it would not matter.

[Josiegirl]

It wouldn't bother me either. Reassure your partner it mostly likely isn't the case.
Keep in mind that we all get turned down by potential dcfs so it might not be what you're imagining at all. We get no-shows, dcfs that choose other dcs, etc. all the time.

[NightOwl]

Absolutely not. I'm a BIG LGBT advocate, even though I am straight. No one should be treated as if they are "less than" just because they were born with different preferences. It disgusts me that we live in the 21st century and this is still an issue. If we were a good fit, I'd bring my kid to you without batting an eye.

Not that is is the same at all, but I have pink hair and my tongue pierced, I also 15 years experience in child care and am in grad school. I know some people don't choose my dc because of my appearance and that's ok! I love my families because they accept me and I think they all know I am accepting of out of the norm lifestyles. Many of my parents signed on with me when my hair was blue! You are you and at at the end of the day, those who are supposed to will come.

[Josiegirl]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Not that is is the same at all, but I have pink hair and my tongue pierced, I also 15 years experience in child care and am in grad school. I know some people don't choose my dc because of my appearance and that's ok! I love my families because they accept me and I think they all know I am accepting of out of the norm lifestyles. Many of my parents signed on with me when my hair was blue! You are you and at at the end of the day, those who are supposed to will come.

Exactly! I remember my dad always used to tell me 'we all put on our pants one leg at a time'. I was a shy fearful child and felt everyone was better than me.

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I think it's a sad sad world we live in that would make you feel like you have to choose careful wording like 'roomate' to protect yourself.

Personally, I fail to understand how a person's sexual orientation and/or their marrital status has anything to do with their ability to do their job.

[Michael]

Originally Posted by Josiegirl

Exactly! I remember my dad always used to tell me 'we all put on our pants one leg at a time'. I was a shy fearful child and felt everyone was better than me.

This was exactly me. ^

I think we are all ruled by our fears. We can't run our lives by the fears others have. I started to "not care" at 40. That's a long time to suffer. Live and let live.

[Thriftylady]

It wouldn't matter to me. But the one thing that irritates me about my church is the attitudes there over it. Many of those people would have issue with it. That bugs me, because although I wouldn't live that way, it isn't my place to judge anyone else. My church teaches not to judge and forgiveness, but in this one area I feel they judge, you can't have it both ways! I have had a couple of really good friends at different point in my life that were gay. One of them was a driving force in giving me enough caring and support with a dose of tough love that helped me break away from my abusive ex husband. A part of me will always feel indebted to her, because she knew just when to support me and just when and how to be firm with me. "You have two babies to take care of" she would say! I guess to me, I try to decide if I want to hang out with you or be friends with you based on how you treat people, and if (when) I looked for daycare I was worried about how you treat my child.

I agree with those who say you are better off if those people don't sign up. You don't want a bad match. But those of us who are straight have interviews that don't sign also, so remember there are always other reasons.

Try to encourage your partner not to feel bad. Let her know that these things can and do happen, but at the end of the day your relationship is more important than some better than thou type person.

[NightOwl]

I have lots of tattoos. My avatar is a big one on my right shoulder blade. I'm sure I've been passed over for that reason.

[organicdclady]

I hope the attachment works!
I read these words all the time. They have really helped me come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to like me or sign up with me.

[childcaremom]

I would not have an issue, at all and I'm sorry that it is something that you feel might be.

[midaycare]

Everyone judges for something. Some people it won't bother, some people it will.

I'm switching over to a Christian daycare, and there is a good probability I will lose one or two families. But I will attract others, too.

Figure out who is most attracted to your services. What are their commonalities? Then advertise to reach those types of people.

When my ds was in daycare (not with me), we chose a male provider. After we had been there a few weeks, he asked me what church I went to, if any. I told him Catholic. He said, "I have all Catholic parents. They are the only ones who trust me and don't question me as a male provider."

Maybe conduct similar research.

As a dcm I wouldn't have a problem with this at all. At the daycare center my son attended two of the teachers were lesbians and married to each other, no one batted an eye. I actually requested my son be in one of the woman's classrooms (nothing to do with her sexual orientation, but because she was just an awesome teacher and my son loved her when she was a floater in his classroom before she became a lead teacher). His infant teacher at his old daycare had tons of tattoos and that never bothered me either, I'm more interested in how a dcp treats my son and his/her qualifications than how they look.

[Ariana]

I have friends who are gay, have worked with gay people and would have ZERO issue with this. BUT some people are not ok with this and that is just the nature of life. Some people might not like that you have a tattoo or a picture of Jesus on your mantle. That's the way it goes, so don't ever take it personally.

I have certainly had potential clients act strangely during the interview

You might just be looking for this, or overreacting/being paranoid because 99% of people I interview with are weirdos and I am straight They might think it odd that you say she is your roomate when they know she is your GF. I think I would probably know and then think it weird that you said that kwim?

[MunchkinWrangler]

I have to be honest. If you are not disclosing your relationship than they wouldn't be not choosing you because of your orientation. If you are saying your girlfriend is your roommate they are probably wondering what role she has in the daycare. I'm sure everyone with husbands has been asked who is this, will they be taking care of my child, and is this person safe/background checked.

I would probably explain the role she has in your daycare and also let them know if she will be there during the daycare day, if she's had a background check(in my state you have to for everyone in the household),etc. I'm sure they are not assuming anything and it's just your feelings on the climate of this issue at hand. Don't be reactive to it. Also, if you have piercings and different color hair, people do unfortunately judge on appearance and that could be why they are looking or giving side eyes, not because of your relationship, which you said they know nothing about.

[lovemydaycare0912]

Originally Posted by daycare

nope would not be an issue for me. BUT I would say this.

If someone had a problem with it, then they are not the right fit for you and your program.

You don't have to disclose that information, you don't ask them what they do behind closed doors, and they shouldn't either.

People don't choose me sometimes I am certain because of my culture and it's ok, I don't take it personal. They just weren't for me. I have learned to let it go.

You only want the ones that are the right fit and you can't change people. Even if you could, you wouldn't want to.

Tell your SO not to feel bad. It's not her fault people feel that way and learn to let it roll off your back. who you choose as your partner has zero affect on the care you will provide.

I agree 100% with pp. If they are uncomfortable with that then you do NOT need them in your program. I also have had families seem uncomfortable once they come meet my husband and I. I am young in age, and I bet our ethnicities can play a factor as well. Or you get the families that don't even want to come visit because my husband works in the daycare as well. I always say, I'd rather know this up front and not have them sign on, then find out later and have to term. Chin up!

[Controlled Chaos]

1. I wouldn't have a problem with a gay/bi/trans provider as long as they and their partner passed the background check and were awesome with my kids (like any provider I would choose)

2. I would absolutely out myself during the interview if I were you. With how crazy some parents turn out to be... I can see someone putting it together a few months into care and already being mad about a late fee and then flipping out that saying you are a pervert- which is a HORRIBLE CRAZY TERRIBLE thing to say. And I apologize for typing it. BUT you want to weed out those type of people before you begin care. I would be really nervous not actively weeding out those type of people.

^^ may sound crazy, but I live in a VERY conservative state and my LGBT friends have lost apartments, jobs, foster children they were trying to adopt, and in one case their life due to bigotry...its awful and sad. I am a big advocate of protecting yourself! Hopefully you live in a magical liberal state where you have more protections.

[Josiegirl]

Originally Posted by Controlled Chaos

^^ may sound crazy, but I live in a VERY conservative state and my LGBT friends have lost apartments, jobs, foster children they were trying to adopt, and in one case their life due to bigotry...its awful and sad. I am a big advocate of protecting yourself! Hopefully you live in a magical liberal state where you have more protections.

I guess I live in my own little Utopia, thinking society is getting a bit better about accepting others, regardless of race, creed, sexual preference, looks, etc. Then I hear stuff like this and it makes me so sad.

[Controlled Chaos]

Originally Posted by Josiegirl

I guess I live in my own little Utopia, thinking society is getting a bit better about accepting others, regardless of race, creed, sexual preference, looks, etc. Then I hear stuff like this and it makes me so sad.

I think it is getting better, I just think when we are inviting people into our homes we need to be extra careful. Safety first

[Mad_Pistachio]

there are 3 places in people's life I try to stay away from: their beds, their bathrooms, and their wallets. unless I was invited, but even then, I will think twice before stomping in. and yes, I may ask to use the powder room, but by bathrooms, I normally mean something like a master bathroom that is not meant for guests.
so, no, as a parent, I wouldn't care.

[Thriftylady]

Originally Posted by Mad_Pistachio

there are 3 places in people's life I try to stay away from: their beds, their bathrooms, and their wallets. unless I was invited, but even then, I will think twice before stomping in. and yes, I may ask to use the powder room, but by bathrooms, I normally mean something like a master bathroom that is not meant for guests.
so, no, as a parent, I wouldn't care.

I guess I am the same way. Some one once told me about a coworker "so and so is gay". I then said "well as long as she stays out of my bedroom, I will stay out of hers"! Shut the coworker up quickly when she realized I wasn't going to gossip or make a big deal of it. Frankly, it was none of my business, and if it had been I still didn't care!

If you are not comfortable disclosing your sexual orientation in interviews, then don't do it. If you are, then do it. I agree with mad pistachio on this one, I do not want want to be in your bedroom even if I am invited in or not, no thanks. Tbh, my sons dad and I have been separated for almost two year but he is still around a lot. He helps with maintenence around the house and with the car and he picks up ds 3-4 days a week for practice. Parents have met him and know he is apart of my life. Am I going to fill them in on details? No! It's none of their business that we still occasionally sleep together...

[Heidi]

Don't care either.

Your GF should never feel bad about being in her home, in your life, because of strangers. If someone is uncomfortable, then they can go elsewhere.

If anyone ever gave my husband weird "vibes" I'd feel the same way. He comes first.

I have 2 transgender children. One still lives at home. If he's home during an interview, he gets introduced as my son. If people have wondered, even in my rural WI community they've never said so.

[NightOwl]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

If you are not comfortable disclosing your sexual orientation in interviews, then don't do it. If you are, then do it. I agree with mad pistachio on this one, I do not want want to be in your bedroom even if I am invited in or not, no thanks. Tbh, my sons dad and I have been separated for almost two year but he is still around a lot. He helps with maintenence around the house and with the car and he picks up ds 3-4 days a week for practice. Parents have met him and know he is apart of my life. Am I going to fill them in on details? No! It's none of their business that we still occasionally sleep together...

This made me actually LOL. Good for you. You are totally right.

[Mom2Two]

I'm not sure how you could conceal that she's your girlfriend. That doesn't really make sense to me.

I would think that if you tell them that your GF is your roommate in interview, that is okay if that is how you act during care. If you behave that she's your girlfriend then you should say that she's your girlfriend.

Not the same thing, but I have a huge picture of Jesus in my front room that clients see when they come to interview. I know that it's a positive for some potential clients, a negative for others, and others don't care. But I would rather be up front about who I am, since, as I mentioned at the first, it's pretty impossible to conceal our personal beliefs with daycare parents. It's a pretty close relationship when they come to your home twice a day.

[daycare]

I see it like this. If you treat your business like a business and act like you should during business then I wouldn't worry about a thing.

My husband used to work with me for years. We did not do anything that one would do while on the job as in "relationship stuff" even though we were home, we ran a business and only conducted business during that time.

If we worked any where else it wouldn't be except able to be affection on the job so we just didn't at home while working either. We didn't even talk about personal stuff while we worked together. It helped us a lot.
So if that's the case then I wouldn't bat an eye lash and tell the parents anything about your personal relationship.

Oh but I would sneak a kiss or a pat on the butt when I would pass my husband in my office where no one would be.

[laundrymom]

I would not call her a roommate. I think that cheapens and belittles her importance. I would say partner. It will turn some people off from your program but it might attract others.
People use many factors when choosing a childcare and this could be a deciding factor both for or against your program. Wouldn't you rather have people involved who have similar lifestyles and beliefs than someone who may judge you after finding out her importance in your life? I think she deserves that you tell prospective families at introduction. It doesn't matter her involvement, her role, or her presence in the day to day of the business, but because we are family providers, in our homes, our natural behaviors and daily life play a huge part in what makes our programs the individual creations that they are.
I'm not saying,
To start the interview with::
Hey. I'm in a same sex relationship, but rather,
This is my partner, Tamika, she works outside the home but will be here sometimes.
Just as a heterosexual provider would introduce their partner. Be it a husband, boyfriend, etc.

If someone's going to judge you let them get it out of the way at the beginning. Then everyone can either accept it or keep looking.

[Controlled Chaos]

Originally Posted by laundrymom

I would not call her a roommate. I think that cheapens and belittles her importance. I would say partner. It will turn some people off from your program but it might attract others.
People use many factors when choosing a childcare and this could be a deciding factor both for or against your program. Wouldn't you rather have people involved who have similar lifestyles and beliefs than someone who may judge you after finding out her importance in your life? I think she deserves that you tell prospective families at introduction. It doesn't matter her involvement, her role, or her presence in the day to day of the business, but because we are family providers, in our homes, our natural behaviors and daily life play a huge part in what makes our programs the individual creations that they are.
I'm not saying,
To start the interview with::
Hey. I'm in a same sex relationship, but rather,
This is my partner, Tamika, she works outside the home but will be here sometimes.
Just as a heterosexual provider would introduce their partner. Be it a husband, boyfriend, etc.

If someone's going to judge you let them get it out of the way at the beginning. Then everyone can either accept it or keep looking.

I even make a point of "outing" myself as a Catholic since I live in UT and have had families ask if I am a "member" (of the LDS church) at the end of the 2nd interview and then back out as they aren't comfortable with a non mormon provider After a few times of wasting my time like that I made a point to bring it up casually before meeting someone, usually by talking about what holidays a close for Luckily most of my business now comes from referrals so its not as much a problem, but for a while it was a big problem.