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Old 04-18-2016, 09:57 AM
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Unhappy Being A Nanny for A Friend. Losing My Marbles?

I have been sitting for my best friend since her son was 2 months old. She is a teacher and it seemed silly to put him in daycare until summer. Plus daycares in our area don't take infants until 3 months. She pays me $100 a week to keep him and that does help out. I am a stay at home mom to 3. The oldest (ages 9 & 6) are in school so it is my 2 year old at home for the most part... and now the baby. I love this child like my own. I spent a lot of time praying for my friend to have this child (she lost two before). He has been a handful though. Not just here but at home as well. My last child had colic and I thought he was a fussy baby but now I see how blessed I've been.

From the beginning my friend had trouble producing milk. She did bring me enough though. I'm not sure why but for a bit she hid that the doctor had made her start supplementing bc baby wasn't growing. Her mom told me one day when she picked him up. I mention this bc baby would go almost a week before pooping. His tummy always bloated for the first months here. I knew breastfed babies (all 3 of mine were formula fed bc I only produced milk for like a day) didn't poop frequently.

After finding that he was given formula and breastmilk I thought he should probably poop a bit more. I began working with him everyday massaging his tummy and moving his legs and he began to poop every 3 to 4 days. It was as if he was constipated but his stool was loose. I mentioned it may be a milk allergy but she didn't seem interested or worried. She just says he's fussy.

During all this I've been a bit overwhelmed. He cried all day. I love his mom so it's a fine line when expressing concern.

I finally told her that he just cried all day. Hoping she'd understand that with 3 other kids and one I can't help I was loosing it. She just said she knew and that he was the same way at home. In her defense she is a first time mom and we all know that's difficult in its self but I felt as if I had postpartum.

One day she came in late and said her workout ran over. I thought I was going to cry. I mean I was getting no me time. My house was a disaster and I got to spend no time with my kids. I mean brushing my teeth had become a luxury and she decided to start working out instead of picking him up after work. All without asking if it was ok. I calmed down on that issue after a bit of thinking. I'm still not happy about it but with the way he cries and her own class of 19 little ones I get why she needed a outlet. That didn't make baby happy though just helped mom a little.

I had talked about the poop issue so much and she wouldn't do anything. She did start giving him has drops which helped for a day or two but stopped. Then she gave him teething tablets. I did as she asked bc I do believe moms know best and he does drool a lot. It didn't help though and in the past 2 months there is no tooth in site. I didn't talk about the poop thing anymore bc she seemed frustrated when I mentioned it but now he was still crying and having to be held all the time. I can't do that bc of my 2 year old.

I did believe that a baby can't be held too much. I started to question myself but I'm still trying to stick with my belief though. I could understand him being held all the time. I mean mom misses him all day so she cuddles him, then dad, plus grandparents and step grandparents, uncles and aunts everyday. He isn't put down much. I told her I had to let him cry at least while I made lunch for my son and she said she knew. She had to let him cry a lot too. It was breaking my heart though.

Then I began to wonder if he was held as much as I thought bc the back of his head is flat and he's missing a line of hair. Could a baby just not be held enough? I was lost not to mention I was having to spend hours feeding him bc he couldn't suck on his bottles. I mentioned it to her and she said he couldn't wrap his mouth on his bottle when dad was feeding him. I was a little mad I mean it had been 4 months and I had dealt with that and she had to but didn't want to fix it. So I did ask her if I could boil all our put away bottles and try dr.browns with a smaller circumference than the advent bottle she was using. She didn't mind and it worked! So I sent bottles with her and that's what he's using now.

I still have to work with him but only when he's been gone for a few days. While all this was going on her milk has been decreasing and she had introduced cereal and baby food. I've been the one to up his ounces bc I think she can't really tell how much he's eating at a time when breastfeeding.He was at 6oz. I was combining milk she'd bring in after pumping at school and frozen milk shed pump and bring in the mornings. ... So all the back info lets fast forward to now. He's 6 months and has been taking 8oz to 9 here twice a day. She's gone down to giving me 7oz of milk a day and my freezer supply is gone. I mentioned it last weekend and she said she send baby food but she only gives it to him like every other day. I thought by now (he's been eating it for 2 months) he'd be eating a container twice a day. Nope... She uses one container all week. I just feel between that and less milk he's fussy bc he's hunger.

So he came last week and she didn't send food. She did include a small bottle of formula for supplementing but it wasn't working. I bought baby food. Same stage and foods I knew he had eaten for her. I fed him after he arrived (dad feeds him sometimes 5 oz or less of milk). He was so happy! He was making noises and ate every bit of the container. At lunch I have gave him 8oz and then 8oz before he left. He was actually happy. It's been the best week we've had in 4 months. He didn't even cry in the car rider line at school which he usually does (he won't sleep unless I take off all his clothes, except diaper, and swaddle him. He's still small enough to fit in blanket but is a another issue all together).

The problem is I couldn't tell her bc I had tried and she just won't bring me food. She was very happy about his behavior that week though. She said that maybe he had finally got over the stage he was going through. She had been saying his crying was a stage since he came (it wasn't). She even said she'd send food for this week so I thought we were good. I wouldn't have to secretly feed him and feel guilty. Then I got a text saying she was sending apples this morning, to feed him some and then like 4 oz of milk after. I knew that wasn't going to work. He needs those oz and should be having a bottle or breastfeeding before food. I wanted to see what she sent first. Maybe it was enough were I could make it through. Nope. I got one pack of apples (he ate one a day last week... Two wouldn't work), 6oz of breastmilk, and a supplement formula bottle of about 8 oz.

I just don't know what to do anymore? I told my husband I was going to get baby food and formula and he was ok with it. I mention these things to her and she says ok but it's as if only to shut me up. I feel horrible for not telling her but it's like I can't. I don't want to hurt her or make her mad. I've done my best at letting her know something's wrong.

Whether it be poop issues, sensory processing, and now I know definitely not enough food. (By the way she did it her way and said he had a bad fussy weekend... Not enough food) she won't ask the doctors (he isn't pooped here in 2 weeks, doubled his birth weight, or advanced very much with things like rolling over and tummy time) and she won't feed him more. She has mentioned food and milk is expensive. After buying it and checking prices I know it is a bit pricey for formula but not the baby food. Either way he has to eat and she has enough money to make it.

I did ask her if she's got him on a waiting list for daycare and she said no. She was hoping I could keep him. I told her no and fet bad but I just can't.

I just need to know any suggestions or maybe to know that someone else has went through something like this. I will make it until June bc I said I would but it would be nice to not feel guilty or stressed out. She's been a friend but a different mother than I thought she'd be. My mom said she may have postpartum but she hasn't mentioned it and seems really happy.

Last edited by Blackcat31; 04-18-2016 at 10:39 AM. Reason: added spacing for easier reading
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Old 04-18-2016, 10:39 AM
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Laurel Laurel is offline
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There is no other way than just tell her but you have with each issue and she isn't listening so I would suggest saying something like "I am not willing to watch the baby anymore because of the crying. It takes time away from my own children. I think some of the crying issues can be solved but you have different ideas on how to do that than I do so we are at an impasse. I just can't listen to him cry so much so the last day I can watch him is______. So sorry."

It gets sticky when you watch a friend or neighbor's child. Sometimes it can work out but often it is a bad idea.
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Old 04-18-2016, 10:42 AM
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I gave up trying to read this... no paragraphs
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Old 04-18-2016, 10:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurel View Post
There is no other way than just tell her but you have with each issue and she isn't listening so I would suggest saying something like "I am not willing to watch the baby anymore because of the crying. It takes time away from my own children. I think some of the crying issues can be solved but you have different ideas on how to do that than I do so we are at an impasse. I just can't listen to him cry so much so the last day I can watch him is______. So sorry."

It gets sticky when you watch a friend or neighbor's child. Sometimes it can work out but often it is a bad idea.
I would do the same. You've communicated. She's not willing to even meet you half way. Don't ever put the needs of a daycare family above your own needs and the needs of your family. They won't ever fully appreciate what you've done and no amount of money is worth the stress.
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Old 04-18-2016, 10:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LysesKids View Post
I gave up trying to read this... no paragraphs
I fixed it
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Old 04-18-2016, 10:55 AM
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I wouldn't make it until June. Bless your heart. Friend or not, I couldn't continue on like that.

I hope your friend appreciates you (although it sounds like she doesn't.
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Old 04-18-2016, 11:20 AM
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I would tell her you cannot continue watching him unless she is providing a can of formula and 3 containers of food per day and I would implement that immediately. She's not providing the correct amount of food (neglect). You are not his mother and by you stepping up it is letting her slack off. If she can't figure out how to be a good mother then you're going to have to force her hand at it IF she wants you to continue providing extremely cheap and wonderful care for right now.

I don't blame you for not wishing to continue on in the working relationship any further than now or June. She doesn't seem like much of a friend if she isn't willing to listen to you.

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Old 04-18-2016, 01:40 PM
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It's hard when it comes to helping out a friend, but I've learned myself, we have to remember that we are the one helping and we can only do so much if they don't want to participate. Sometimes being a friend means saying no.
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Old 04-18-2016, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist View Post
I would tell her you cannot continue watching him unless she is providing a can of formula and 3 containers of food per day and I would implement that immediately. She's not providing the correct amount of food (neglect). You are not his mother and by you stepping up it is letting her slack off. If she can't figure out how to be a good mother then you're going to have to force her hand at it IF she wants you to continue providing extremely cheap and wonderful care for right now.

I don't blame you for not wishing to continue on in the working relationship any further than now or June. She doesn't seem like much of a friend if she isn't willing to listen to you.

I agree with this. She can go to the gym but can't afford baby food for her child? Sounds like neglect to me and I would definitely say something along those lines.

"Hi dcm, I am noticing that baby is hungry so the other day I went out and bought some formula and baby food and we had the best day. He didn't cry and was overall very happy. I am also noticing that he has yet to double his birth weight...what does the dr say about that......ok well what I am willing to do is start buying food and formula for baby and I will increase my weekly rate by $25 (or whatever you feel comfortable with). I know you are a very busy mom so I can take care of that for you (flattery works very well for self absorbed moms) He seems very unhappy here and it is because he seems very hungry. As a mandated reporter I cannot in good conscious allow a baby to go hungry in my care so this is my proposal to you...."

Or something like that...
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Old 04-18-2016, 04:04 PM
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Honestly, for me if a parent was refusing to provide food/feed a child, I would be making a CPS report. I know she is a friend, but the children we care for count on us to help them. IF this child is being neglected, he needs your help.
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Old 04-18-2016, 04:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Thriftylady View Post
Honestly, for me if a parent was refusing to provide food/feed a child, I would be making a CPS report. I know she is a friend, but the children we care for count on us to help them. IF this child is being neglected, he needs your help.
I agree with this. You MIGHT be able to ensure the child is fed right now, but that's only when he is with you. What about when he is at home?

I am sensitive to this as I have a son who grew up in a household that didn't adequately provide for him in many ways and one of those was food. I've heard the saddest stories like trying to fix extreme hunger with a "wish sandwich" (bread and pretending it had something in it) for meals. Please report this. If nothing else, it at least begins to leave a paper trail so if a teacher calls in something similar later on there was this initial report...
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Old 04-18-2016, 04:51 PM
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Make sure the last day of school is your absolute last day of caring for the baby.

Remain friends, donít allow her to guilt trip you and move forward with focus on your family and SANITY.

She will try to guilt trip you in caring for him in August/September. Donít allow yourself to be used. She has a whole summer to find daycare. And if you are guilted again raise your fees to $175 per week.

Itís not about what is best for the baby (in her process). It is what is best for HER.
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Old 04-18-2016, 08:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist View Post
I would tell her you cannot continue watching him unless she is providing a can of formula and 3 containers of food per day and I would implement that immediately. She's not providing the correct amount of food (neglect). You are not his mother and by you stepping up it is letting her slack off. If she can't figure out how to be a good mother then you're going to have to force her hand at it IF she wants you to continue providing extremely cheap and wonderful care for right now.

I don't blame you for not wishing to continue on in the working relationship any further than now or June. She doesn't seem like much of a friend if she isn't willing to listen to you.



Make a copy of this and give it to her when you have that talk:

http://www.oregondairycouncil.org/re...by-English.pdf
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Old 04-19-2016, 07:38 AM
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I'd be very honest with her about the good behavior coming from being fed the correct amount. If she noticed the change in behavior, there is her proof that she NEEDS to feed him more. If she refuses, to send the food, I would be handing her the receipts for the food you buy.

I never hold back information about kids, even if I think the parents don't want to hear it. I always say it nicely, but honestly. I know its touchy with friends, but just keep in mind, that poor kiddo is hungry. Would you rather he be hungry just to keep her feelings intact?
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Old 04-20-2016, 07:24 AM
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I would definitely copy Hiedi's chart.I would tell mom she needs to provide the appropriate amount of food each day.You should not have to purchase the food from your fee.You would be doing her a favor getting the child to eat the right servings .You could give her a list of what you need for the week if thats easier.It is neglect for the parent to not feed their child enough.Once she has the chart there is no excuse.
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