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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Demanding to Take Home Toys/Food at Pick Up
Unregistered 08:00 AM 01-17-2016
I have a 2 1/2 year old DCB that throws tantrums at pick up. But, it's not just 'throwing tantrums', he demands stuff. He's such a good boy until his mom comes in the door. Yesterday when his mom showed up at pick up he started screaming and crying saying he wanted to go in the fridge and take home our pint of blueberries, I ended up giving him a bag with some. The day before was crying he wanted to take home a container of powdered gatorade that my husband left on the counter, I told him no, his mom said, "you can have a cup with apple juice to bring home". Day before that was taking a full box of oreos....not just one, he cried for the whole box, and his mom grabbed it and let him take it, I thought she was going to take it to the car with them, buckle him and give them back but she didn't. He's taken home hot wheels (about 10 total), 2 Disney dvd's, and a couple imaginext guys over the course of a few weeks and we'd never received them back. When it was nice out we tried being outside playing, but he threw a tantrums when he wanted to bring home my sons helmet and bike, and sand toys home. I can't win with him at pick up.

His mom doesn't help the situation. It's always, "what do you want honey, something in the pantry?" "what's in the fridge that you want?" "you like that toy honey? you can hold it" Then we never get it back. She doesn't like him crying at pick up and gives him whatever he wants. I've told him no, but his mom steps in and gives it to him. On Friday she said she can't leave with him crying and just stood there until he grabbed a package of goldfish and left with it....and by then is was 6:20 and I just wanted them gone. I've asked for the toys back he takes home, but she always forgets, then it started feeling uncomfortable to keep asking for it back.

I try to have all toys picked up before his mom comes, but she comes anytime between 5:30-6 that it's hard to keep him occupied without toys. Since starting picking up toys before his mom gets here that's when the food taking started. He's not the last kid to be picked up so making the school aged kids stop playing legos isn't fair.
I've tried talking to him right before pick up, but it's doesn't work either.
I feel like I've been too nice and I'm getting walked all over, any tips? I need to stick up for myself

He does NOT do this when his dad picks him up, only his mom.
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Unregistered 08:19 AM 01-17-2016
What! That mom is crazy. Don't let him take one more thing out the door! I can't believe the mom is offering him your food and toys. If he asks for something just say no. The very next thing he asks for, tell him (loud and clear for mom to hear), "I'm not sending anything with you today. I need all my food and toys to stay here at my house." Then walk them out the door. Pick him up and carry him out if you have to. Leave him on the doorstep with mom and shut the door, "Bye! See you guys tomorrow!" Then write an email to mom telling her dcb has taken a lot of your supplies home with him to ease his transition to the car, but you need the supplies back or money to replace the items. then list items he has: 2 imaginext figures ($8), 10 matchbox cars ($15), etc. Mention that if you allowed all the children to take home and keep little supplies, it would add up and you wouldn't have anything for the children to use while in care.
Good luck!!
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midaycare 09:38 AM 01-17-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
What! That mom is crazy. Don't let him take one more thing out the door! I can't believe the mom is offering him your food and toys. If he asks for something just say no. The very next thing he asks for, tell him (loud and clear for mom to hear), "I'm not sending anything with you today. I need all my food and toys to stay here at my house." Then walk them out the door. Pick him up and carry him out if you have to. Leave him on the doorstep with mom and shut the door, "Bye! See you guys tomorrow!" Then write an email to mom telling her dcb has taken a lot of your supplies home with him to ease his transition to the car, but you need the supplies back or money to replace the items. then list items he has: 2 imaginext figures ($8), 10 matchbox cars ($15), etc. Mention that if you allowed all the children to take home and keep little supplies, it would add up and you wouldn't have anything for the children to use while in care.
Good luck!!
Ummm...wow. Just wow. If a parent dared to take food in my pantry, or even look in my pantry, I'd be super mad.

I have let a super thirsty dck go home with water before, but I always get the cup back the next morning. Washed.

A few times dck's have sneaked home small toys and the parents found then and were so embarrassed. That dcm...wow.
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Josiegirl 10:31 AM 01-17-2016
Um wow is right. Yes dcm is being completely unreasonable and enabling her son. This has gone on so much now that you cannot afford to back down again. I would email or text dcm and tell her from now on, starting right this minute, there will be NO more taking of anything home. Dcm can bring her own child's drink for the ride home or use bribery herself to get him into her car without tears, if that's what is keeping this selfish trend going. There is no way in he!! I'd let that continue even one more time. She's afraid of her precious crying and you're afraid to tell them no. Practice today and Just Say NO. I'm not trying to come down on you but that dcm has some gall. And you're too nice to say no. Dck is learning how to manipulate everybody. Won't he be a fun and enjoyable teen to be around.
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mommyneedsadayoff 10:41 AM 01-17-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I have a 2 1/2 year old DCB that throws tantrums at pick up. But, it's not just 'throwing tantrums', he demands stuff. He's such a good boy until his mom comes in the door. Yesterday when his mom showed up at pick up he started screaming and crying saying he wanted to go in the fridge and take home our pint of blueberries, I ended up giving him a bag with some. The day before was crying he wanted to take home a container of powdered gatorade that my husband left on the counter, I told him no, his mom said, "you can have a cup with apple juice to bring home". Day before that was taking a full box of oreos....not just one, he cried for the whole box, and his mom grabbed it and let him take it, I thought she was going to take it to the car with them, buckle him and give them back but she didn't. He's taken home hot wheels (about 10 total), 2 Disney dvd's, and a couple imaginext guys over the course of a few weeks and we'd never received them back. When it was nice out we tried being outside playing, but he threw a tantrums when he wanted to bring home my sons helmet and bike, and sand toys home. I can't win with him at pick up.

His mom doesn't help the situation. It's always, "what do you want honey, something in the pantry?" "what's in the fridge that you want?" "you like that toy honey? you can hold it" Then we never get it back. She doesn't like him crying at pick up and gives him whatever he wants. I've told him no, but his mom steps in and gives it to him. On Friday she said she can't leave with him crying and just stood there until he grabbed a package of goldfish and left with it....and by then is was 6:20 and I just wanted them gone. I've asked for the toys back he takes home, but she always forgets, then it started feeling uncomfortable to keep asking for it back.

I try to have all toys picked up before his mom comes, but she comes anytime between 5:30-6 that it's hard to keep him occupied without toys. Since starting picking up toys before his mom gets here that's when the food taking started. He's not the last kid to be picked up so making the school aged kids stop playing legos isn't fair.
I've tried talking to him right before pick up, but it's doesn't work either.
I feel like I've been too nice and I'm getting walked all over, any tips? I need to stick up for myself

He does NOT do this when his dad picks him up, only his mom.
I stopped reading by the second paragraph. Mom doesn't get any say in this situtation and I think you need to start doing Nannyde's Bye Bye outside. Meet mom at the door with dck ready to go and hand him off outside and say bye and shut the door. That is absolutely ridiculous that dcm thinsk she has access to your fridge or your pantry and you need to stop enabling the situation by letting him take stuff or letting mom have the idea that she can offer up YOUR stuff. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but you are being taken advantage of by a two year old and his mom. If she can't handle dck crying, she needs to bring her own stuff and leave it in the car.
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laundrymom 12:49 PM 01-17-2016
I would bill her.
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childcaremom 02:12 PM 01-17-2016
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
I would bill her.


You need to put your foot down and stop this. I mean this in a kind way. This dcm is beyond rude and this child needs to know that this behaviour is unacceptable.

I would email tonight and tell her that from now on, nothing leaves the house. No toys, no clothing, no food. If he needs a snack on the way home, she needs to bring one for him in the car. That you expect all toys he has taken returned tomorrow at drop off. That you will be billing her for items not returned, payment due Tuesday at drop off. That child care will not be available if she does not follow through.

I would have this child dressed and ready for mom at pick up, starting at 5:30 he would be dressed and sitting looking at a book or puzzle at the table. Hand him out the door as soon as she arrives. Check his pockets if you need to.

I would then be looking to replace. What a nightmare!
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Josiegirl 02:39 PM 01-17-2016
You could just say something like 'after careful consideration I have come to realize we need to stop re-enforcing dcb's habit of crying for food or toys when it is time for him to go home. He is not learning a positive way to transition at pick up time and we both need to help him overcome this'
Then make the request, as PP advised, that all toys need to be returned as they are dc toys and not free for the taking. Suggest she keep a couple things he can look forward to in the car.

Good luck, I don't like confrontations either. I'm angry for you.
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daycare 02:52 PM 01-17-2016
If we let everyone take home toys from daycare I would have no toys left. All toys will stay here.

No food will leave the daycare with your child. Anything we provide for them will be our responsibility and become costly to our program.

If your child is having issues with leaving toys you are welcome to leave quickly with a snack brought from home.

Any toy taken from daycare will be against permission and considers stealing. We will charge for times taken and terminate care should this occur.
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Leigh 03:50 PM 01-17-2016
All I can say is Oh, HELL no! STOP letting it happen. Tell the child no, and if mom tells him yes, then you need to tell mom no, too. Firmly. That's utterly ridiculous.
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jacksmommy13 05:59 PM 01-17-2016
Original poster here.
Thanks, I needed to hear that saying NO is ok. It's hard when the dcm is saying yes, take it. I do not like confrontations, but I've been practicing today and I feel I'm ready for tomorrow! I'm going to have dcb with shoes on and coat waiting at the door reading a book. And I've fully prepared myself to say no if he demands to take the book home.
I've already emailed asking for the toys....which was easier to do online, not face to face.
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Leigh 07:05 PM 01-17-2016
Originally Posted by jacksmommy13:
Original poster here.
Thanks, I needed to hear that saying NO is ok. It's hard when the dcm is saying yes, take it. I do not like confrontations, but I've been practicing today and I feel I'm ready for tomorrow! I'm going to have dcb with shoes on and coat waiting at the door reading a book. And I've fully prepared myself to say no if he demands to take the book home.
I've already emailed asking for the toys....which was easier to do online, not face to face.
I just can't imagine what kind of person thinks it's OK to go to someone else's home and take whatever they want!
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Snowmom 07:06 PM 01-17-2016
Originally Posted by jacksmommy13:
Original poster here.
Thanks, I needed to hear that saying NO is ok. It's hard when the dcm is saying yes, take it. I do not like confrontations, but I've been practicing today and I feel I'm ready for tomorrow! I'm going to have dcb with shoes on and coat waiting at the door reading a book. And I've fully prepared myself to say no if he demands to take the book home.
I've already emailed asking for the toys....which was easier to do online, not face to face.

You can do it!
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childcaremom 01:23 AM 01-18-2016
Originally Posted by jacksmommy13:
Original poster here.
Thanks, I needed to hear that saying NO is ok. It's hard when the dcm is saying yes, take it. I do not like confrontations, but I've been practicing today and I feel I'm ready for tomorrow! I'm going to have dcb with shoes on and coat waiting at the door reading a book. And I've fully prepared myself to say no if he demands to take the book home.
I've already emailed asking for the toys....which was easier to do online, not face to face.


I hate confrontations, as well. It took me a long time to develop a backbone in this business but it is sometimes so necessary.

Good luck! You can do this!
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Josiegirl 02:09 AM 01-18-2016
Good luck, you can do it!!! I'm a terrible wuss when it comes to things like this. I used to let them 'borrow' stuff too but then I realize things didn't come back all the time, especially from 1 dcf. So I just started telling them nicely but firmly, 'that stays with daycare'. Crycrycry 'no honey, you can see it tomorrow when you come back'. And don't give in, not even once. As for taking snacks, etc., just say 'I'll bet mommy has something yummy waiting for you'. Put it on mom. SHE needs to handle this better than she is, she needs to parent up.

Why is it parents will do just about anything to not let their child cry???? It will not hurt that child one bit to be told no.

Just remember you have to come back and let us know how it goes. So you *have* to stay strong.
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rosieteddy 09:03 AM 01-18-2016
I agree with everyone this needs to stop.I would print out your e-mail and hand it to mom.I would have the child ready to go and ask mom to call from the driveway.Bring him to the door (carry him)hand off to mom and shut the door.If he starts crying -see you tomorrow have a good night. I had to do this but luckily everyone left at same time.We were ready reading books in front porch.They said hello to there parent ,goodbye to us then got a sticker and out the door.If they acted up ,no sticker and had to sit on my lap the next day.(bribery -yes worth it -yes).If we were outside in driveway they greeted their parent nicely got in carseat -got sticker.At first parents raised eyebrows but it was good who doesn't want to hear hi mommy how was your day?
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jacksmommy13 06:45 PM 01-18-2016
So she brought the DVD's back, but said she couldn't remember which hot wheels and imaginext were ours.
At pick up time I got his boots and coat on and we sat and read for a few minutes until she got there. When dcm got there, dcb stood next to me and as I opened the door he then took off running and crying. He threw his boots off and cried on the floor kicking the ground.
I picked him up, and put the boots in his bag and handed him to dcm. He started crying for juice and reaching for the fridge. His mom said, "oh honey, are you thirsty?" I handed him his sippy cup that he brings and it was full of juice since I filled it up, he threw it and then started crying 'eat eat!' His mom asked him, "what do you want? Let's use your words and look." I stepped in and said, "I'm sure your mommy has something yummy for you at home to eat, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye dcb!" And I opened the door. She took him out the door screaming and I heard him scream all the way to the car. I'm hoping it gets better!
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Thriftylady 06:56 PM 01-18-2016
Originally Posted by jacksmommy13:
So she brought the DVD's back, but said she couldn't remember which hot wheels and imaginext were ours.
At pick up time I got his boots and coat on and we sat and read for a few minutes until she got there. When dcm got there, dcb stood next to me and as I opened the door he then took off running and crying. He threw his boots off and cried on the floor kicking the ground.
I picked him up, and put the boots in his bag and handed him to dcm. He started crying for juice and reaching for the fridge. His mom said, "oh honey, are you thirsty?" I handed him his sippy cup that he brings and it was full of juice since I filled it up, he threw it and then started crying 'eat eat!' His mom asked him, "what do you want? Let's use your words and look." I stepped in and said, "I'm sure your mommy has something yummy for you at home to eat, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye dcb!" And I opened the door. She took him out the door screaming and I heard him scream all the way to the car. I'm hoping it gets better!
You may have to rinse and repeat this a few times, but it should get better when he finds out it won't work. I can't believe DCM is still trying to cater to him!
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Unregistered 06:57 PM 01-18-2016
Great start! Tomorrow I would skip the juice. Mom can have something ready and waiting in the car if she wishes. At most I might fill the cup with water. Is there any way to gate the entrance way off, so that he can not bolt when she comes?
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CalCare 07:18 PM 01-18-2016
Nice! Keep up the good work!
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daycare 07:21 PM 01-18-2016
Just out of curiosity what is the last time he gets a meal/snack at your house? And does he actually he it.

I used to have a 5 yr that would be with me until 545 and he was always asking for food at pick up. We ate at 3:15 and he normally hardly ate his snack. I started giving him milk at 5:00 so that he would hold over until parent arrived. It worked out really well.
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Josiegirl 02:24 AM 01-19-2016
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
You may have to rinse and repeat this a few times, but it should get better when he finds out it won't work. I can't believe DCM is still trying to cater to him!
Did you warn her you were doing it this way from now on? Oh man, kick that dcm in the butt!! She needs a serious wake-up call before he gets any older. BUT good for you!! And stay strong, this is one child who definitely needs boundaries set. Dcb will eventually get it, sounds like sooner than dcm. I can picture her in years to come, thinking back to this time and saying ' I wish I had listened to that smart dcprovider!'

Just a little story for you to help you stay strong: I had this dcg long time ago. She was 3 or 4 and as spoiled as can be. She was an only child and came late in dcm's life. But she was the one dcm who was the type you have. She'd walk in and without asking, give her dd a banana off my shelf because her dd wouldn't eat before dc but we'd already had breakfast. Or if her dd wanted to bring something home dcm would just pick it up and take it. Again, without even checking with me.
She and one of my other dcfs were good friends and the other dcd would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to that little girl because I didn't put up with her $hit. Evidently they had gone out to dinner altogether and dcg was being allowed to jump on the table, run all over the place. The clincher was when dcg ran in front of the kitchen door just as the waiter was coming through with a huge tray of food. Course you know what happened. All because dcm couldn't tell precious no.
Isn't there a saying that goes 'parenting isn't for wimps'? Ain't it the truth.
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childcaremom 04:39 AM 01-19-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Great start! Tomorrow I would skip the juice. Mom can have something ready and waiting in the car if she wishes. At most I might fill the cup with water. Is there any way to gate the entrance way off, so that he can not bolt when she comes?


You did great! I would hold his hand so he can't run off. Hand off before dcm even has a chance to step in the door.

I also would not have a drink for him. Remind him that he just had one and that mom will have one for him at home. Then out he goes.

Do you remember which toys? Maybe ask her to bring a bunch and you will pick them out. Or find the replacement cost and tally a bill. I wouldn't let that drop.

And guess what? From here on out it will be that much easier to say no to this dcm
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nannyde 06:16 AM 01-19-2016
Time for the BYE BYE OUTSIDE program.

https://www.daycare.com/nannyde/the-...in-daycare.htm

Tell mom she and her son need to communicate BEFORE she drops him off so he can tell her his list of demands for the ride home. That way he can have cars, boxes of oreos, juice cups, pints of blueberries.... whatever ... in the car for him.

Have you read my book? The permissive parent chapter and Parental Attention Seeking Syndrome chapter should school you on the moms behavior.
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midaycare 06:54 AM 01-19-2016
Great job, today do no juice.
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Unregistered 02:18 PM 01-19-2016
Practice what you want to say, it helps!

It will get easier. I would update your policy to include bye bye outside.
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AmyKidsCo 08:31 PM 01-19-2016
Yikes! I'm so glad you're taking steps to stop this behavior - it's totally wrong on the mom's part, and expensive for you. I can't think of ANY other place where someone could just take what they wanted without at least asking!

Since you've asked for the toys to be returned without results I'd send her an itemized bill for all the toys that weren't returned. I'd also total up the amount of food that went home - it'll probably be an eye-opener for you - and charge her for that also. If you're feeling generous you could say that if the toys are returned or paid for by a certain date you'll waive the food bill, but that's up to you.
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Controlled Chaos 09:19 PM 01-19-2016
Originally Posted by AmyKidsCo:
Yikes! I'm so glad you're taking steps to stop this behavior - it's totally wrong on the mom's part, and expensive for you. I can't think of ANY other place where someone could just take what they wanted without at least asking!

Since you've asked for the toys to be returned without results I'd send her an itemized bill for all the toys that weren't returned. I'd also total up the amount of food that went home - it'll probably be an eye-opener for you - and charge her for that also. If you're feeling generous you could say that if the toys are returned or paid for by a certain date you'll waive the food bill, but that's up to you.

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jacksmommy13 09:54 AM 01-24-2016
The week was better, no juice. I filled his cup with water. Dcd picked up Tuesday, Wed and Thurs. He's great with his dad and says bye, and off he goes. Friday his mom picked up. He was ready to go waiting with a book. He started crying for a snack when she got there and she said, "I have something in the car for you". So much better! I'm still going to continue getting him ready at 5:30.

I feed him snack at 3:30, sometimes the SA kids will say there are hungry and everyone gets a snack a 5pm again. I feel like getting picked up at 6pm is a long day and was wondering if he really was hungry and I don't want his mom to feel I'm not feeding him enough. But, when his dad comes, he never asks for food....so not sure if he really is hungry or not.

As for the toys, I told her from now on no toys leave the house. I doubt I'll ever get them back or paid for.

I'll check out that book, sounds awesome!
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KidGrind 01:38 PM 01-24-2016
Originally Posted by jacksmommy13:
The week was better, no juice. I filled his cup with water. Dcd picked up Tuesday, Wed and Thurs. He's great with his dad and says bye, and off he goes. Friday his mom picked up. He was ready to go waiting with a book. He started crying for a snack when she got there and she said, "I have something in the car for you". So much better! I'm still going to continue getting him ready at 5:30.

I feed him snack at 3:30, sometimes the SA kids will say there are hungry and everyone gets a snack a 5pm again. I feel like getting picked up at 6pm is a long day and was wondering if he really was hungry and I don't want his mom to feel I'm not feeding him enough. But, when his dad comes, he never asks for food....so not sure if he really is hungry or not.

As for the toys, I told her from now on no toys leave the house. I doubt I'll ever get them back or paid for.

I'll check out that book, sounds awesome!
Your post holds the answer. He knows the boundaries with his dad is different than with his mom. He knows a pout, whine, cry and tantrum will result with any of his whims being met.

He is not hungry for food. He is hungry for his manipulation game with mommy to begin.
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