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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>4 y/o won't play with the other kids?
auntymimi 08:12 AM 07-21-2015
New here, new provider, Just a quick question for those more seasoned than myself. I have a great group of kids including my own 5 and 2 year old daughters. One little girl I've had for about 3 weeks now just refuses to play with any of them. She's not at all shy, a little bossy when I've gotten fed up and make her go join the group. The kids all try to include her, but she's very standoffish with them, and would prefer to engage me all day. As this is something I don't do, ( I'm not a playmate, she needs to learn how to get on with other children) she mostly plays with her baby brother 10 mos, and by herself. She asks for tv a lot (which we don't do). Screen addiction maybe? Just wants my attention? What should I do with her? She's told my 5 y/o daughter several times that she doesn't want to be her friend (which hurt her deeply, as she sees all kids as potential new friends) and just wants to go home.
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nannyde 08:30 AM 07-21-2015
Originally Posted by auntymimi:
New here, new provider, Just a quick question for those more seasoned than myself. I have a great group of kids including my own 5 and 2 year old daughters. One little girl I've had for about 3 weeks now just refuses to play with any of them. She's not at all shy, a little bossy when I've gotten fed up and make her go join the group. The kids all try to include her, but she's very standoffish with them, and would prefer to engage me all day. As this is something I don't do, ( I'm not a playmate, she needs to learn how to get on with other children) she mostly plays with her baby brother 10 mos, and by herself. She asks for tv a lot (which we don't do). Screen addiction maybe? Just wants my attention? What should I do with her? She's told my 5 y/o daughter several times that she doesn't want to be her friend (which hurt her deeply, as she sees all kids as potential new friends) and just wants to go home.
She gets the highest level of stimulation if she is engaging you. She gets the second highest if she is engaging her brother because she knows you are on top of that every second. She's going for the mostest funnest minute to minute. She's asking for tv because that is way more fun than being a playmate and entertaining herself.

She's on screens at home. Hand her a tablet and watch her get happy really fast.

Give her an hour and see how competent she is. It will give you an idea of her experience. Ask her if she has her own tablet and what are her favorite things to do on it. Ask her if she plays at bedtime with it.

If she is a pro and gets REAL animated and goes ballistic when you take it away you will have your answer.

If she is screen addicted you can't do much between now and when school starts. Talk to the parents and ask them what non screen play does she do at home.
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Rockgirl 08:49 AM 07-21-2015
I have a 4 yr old girl who doesn't play with the others much. She LOVES to play by herself, though. She gets very into her pretend play, especially with little dolls or animals. I just let her play alone, and don't try to make her join the others. I might feel differently if she didn't interact with the other kids at all, but she does enjoy talking to everyone at meals and other times.
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childcaremom 09:09 AM 07-21-2015
I had almost the same scenario a little while ago. Dcg5 and her brother dcb14 mos.

The first thing I did was separate the siblings. They each had their own play zones. It encouraged dcg to play with other children and to use her imagination. It was actually quite good for dcb, too. He learned to be more independent in his play, as well.

I also gave them the gift of boredom. Planned nothing for the first few weeks. (I actually do this whenever new children join the group) The first few days were so l o o o o n g but it was much better by the end of the week. By the end of the second week her play was engaged and creative and lasting.

I don't see myself as a playmate, either, so I always prompted her to "go play" whenever she came to me.

She did a lot of solo play, struggled a bit with group play unless she could be in charge but was showing a lot of improvement.

She just left after 2.5 months (I termed due to dcm) and she had made such gains it was a shame to see her go.
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Unregistered 11:02 AM 07-21-2015
I've known LOTS of 3's who play by themselves. I wouldn't make her play with others. In my book she's the leader of her own play.
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Unregistered 11:06 AM 07-21-2015
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I've known LOTS of 3's who play by themselves. I wouldn't make her play with others. In my book she's the leader of her own play.
I didn't see that she tries to engage you all day. Yes, go play is what I'd say too. Alone tho is okay with me. There's all types of personalities.

I had a girl like this when I taught pre-K. She didn't have screens/tablets as this was 22 yrs. ago. She just played on her own or talked to the teachers. All year...that's what she did.
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Blackcat31 11:14 AM 07-21-2015
Originally Posted by auntymimi:
New here, new provider, Just a quick question for those more seasoned than myself. I have a great group of kids including my own 5 and 2 year old daughters. One little girl I've had for about 3 weeks now just refuses to play with any of them. She's not at all shy, a little bossy when I've gotten fed up and make her go join the group. The kids all try to include her, but she's very standoffish with them, and would prefer to engage me all day. As this is something I don't do, ( I'm not a playmate, she needs to learn how to get on with other children) she mostly plays with her baby brother 10 mos, and by herself. She asks for tv a lot (which we don't do). Screen addiction maybe? Just wants my attention? What should I do with her? She's told my 5 y/o daughter several times that she doesn't want to be her friend (which hurt her deeply, as she sees all kids as potential new friends) and just wants to go home.
She appears to still be in the stage of parallel play and isn't hasn't reached the developmental stage of associative play yet.

There are 6 basic classifications of SOCIAL PATTERNS used by children.
They are:

1. UNOCCUPIED BEHAVIOR: The child is not involved in any particular activity. He/she just observes what seems interesting at the time. When nothing of interest is happening, he/she will walk around, look around, or play with his/her fingers, hair, etc. The child often appears to be day dreaming.

2. ONLOOKER BEHAVIOR (INFANTS): This behavior involves watching other children play. The child may talk to the children whoa re playing but does not become actively involved. The onlooker wants to be close enough to interact with the children who are playing whereas the unoccupied child’s interest keeps shifting to anything that interests him/her at the moment.

3. SOLITARY PLAY (TODDLERS) : This type of play involves a child playing alone. He/she has no interest in anyone else or that they are doing. The toys he/she plays with are different from those the other children are playing with. He/she is totally involved in a personal activity.

4. PARALLEL PLAY (2-3 YEARS): This type of play involves a child playing beside other children. There is no actual interaction, but the toys are similar. The child is playing beside the other children rather than with them.

5. ASSOCIATIVE PLAY (3 YEAR – SCHOOL AGE) : This type of play involves a child playing with other children. The children share toys and interact with one another. Children are involved in similar but not identical activity. There is no specific organization of activities. Each child does what he/she wishes but is a part of a large group.

6. COOPERATIVE PLAY: This type of play involves organization. The child is a part of a group that has a specific purpose in mind such as making an art project or playing a game. There are usually leaders and followers in this type of play.
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auntymimi 12:01 PM 07-21-2015
Thanks, all. Nannyde I think you hit it right on the head. It's not that she prefers to play by herself that bothers me, that would be fine, it's that she basically tries to manipulate my time all day rather than try to get along and play with the other kids. Her playing by herself consists of sitting where I'm at with the baby and constantly asking questions/look at this/ can you help me? She was always with Gma at home (mom's a very young single parent) and I don't think she's had much interaction with kids her age. Yes, she's allowed to play tablets and mom's smart phone whenever at home, and mentions (when asked why can't she just watch tv) that cartoons are always left on at home. Any tips on how to get her to play truly independently or with others, or I guess I could just keep telling her to go play? Only kid I have in care like this.
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auntymimi 12:06 PM 07-21-2015
Originally Posted by nannyde:


She gets the highest level of stimulation if she is engaging you. She gets the second highest if she is engaging her brother because she knows you are on top of that every second. She's going for the mostest funnest minute to minute. She's asking for tv because that is way more fun than being a playmate and entertaining herself.

She's on screens at home. Hand her a tablet and watch her get happy really fast.

Give her an hour and see how competent she is. It will give you an idea of her experience. Ask her if she has her own tablet and what are her favorite things to do on it. Ask her if she plays at bedtime with it.

If she is a pro and gets REAL animated and goes ballistic when you take it away you will have your answer.
If she is screen addicted you can't do much between now and when school starts. Talk to the parents and ask them what non screen play does she do at home.[/quote]
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CraftyMom 12:10 PM 07-21-2015
I have a child that I KNOW is addicted to his tablet. He used to sit and not play with anyone when he first started 10 months ago (unoccupied behavior listed above). That went on for a while. Then he began parallel play which was a huge step for him. For the last 3 months or so he has progressed to associative play which is great! The kids generally do not watch tv here, this dcb used to ask CONSTANTLY for tv or a tablet. I sometimes allow it but on his days not at all. It's really nice to see him playing now

He does unfortunately still seek my attention ALL DAY LONG. Whether it's asking what I'm doing or wanting me to look at what he is doing or asking what is this? when clearly he knows what it is, etc. I usually do not give him the attention, which then prompts him to fake sneeze repeatedly. Then he says "you have to say bless you to me, I sneezed" Anything to get my attention. I'm not saying I ignore him all day of course. I just don't give him the unnecessary attention he is seeking all day long
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auntymimi 12:10 PM 07-21-2015
Still trying to figure out this forum, sorry. Yeah, I guess between now and Aug. will just be me constantly redirecting her.
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CraftyMom 12:37 PM 07-21-2015
My attention seeker woke up from nap and announced to me (as he always does) over and over "I woke up. I'm up now. I'm up. I woke up..." Until I say something to him which is usually "I see that you are up but everyone else is sleeping so you have to keep quiet"

Well today I happened to walk past him to use the bathroom as he was waking up and saying these things. I just went past him and into the bathroom. When I came out he was standing right there in front of the door and continued "I woke up now..."
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Bookworm 04:40 PM 07-21-2015
Not trying to hijack, but is it possible for a 21 mo to be a screen addict?
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nannyde 05:02 PM 07-21-2015
Originally Posted by Bookworm:
Not trying to hijack, but is it possible for a 21 mo to be a screen addict?
Absolutely
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Tags:4 y/o, screen addiction, won't play
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