to get your backbones?

I've been in this profession for almost 6 years now.
I have had all sorts of DCF's enrolled in my program.
I do state funded & private pay.I have been filled to capacity & I have been so low on kids that I wasn't sure if I would be able to provide for my family. I work my "ars" off to plan, provide, etc (you all know what I mean) only to be treated like I am the lowest on the "professional ladder". I have experienced burnout on many occasions but always seem to find the reason I do this.

Sorry for the ramble. I just want to know when you discovered your backbones? I know 99% of all of my troubles in this profession would disappear if I found my backbone. I'm such a people pleaser that most of the time its easier to smile & say "YES" then to step back and say wait a minute that's against my policy or this is how "I" would like it done. Then I turn passive-aggressive with the issue & I'm pissy they rest of the day/week until I let it go.

I admire those on here that have no trouble saying how it is. I hope to one day have the strength to stand up for myself/policies. (I know why write them if I let them walk all over them).

This week alone I have had a DCF schedule change & I have been the last one to know all week. They text me the evening before to let me know dck schedule for the next day & then is an hour later then what they said he would be here! Drives me crazy!!! I'm a very scheduled person & the dck missed out on several activities this week bc of it. I get upset because its just plain disrespect. My policies say that 15 minutes late without a call I might not be here. And what do I do..... nothing!!! Yes I am allowing it to happen & IT DRIVES ME CRAZY TOO!!!! That's just an example.

Thanks for letting me carry on

I'm glad I have that privilege.

Reply

I know how you feel. I used to be the same way myself. I did childcare in our old home for 7 years, and was always miserable, tired, and burnt out. I let everyone walk all over me and dictate how "I" would run my day and my business.

And daycare wasn;t the only place I would let this happen. Friends, so called friends, crazy a$$ family, my husband, the ladies in the PTA, you name it. I am a people pleaser by nature. In a way, I always will be.

We moved here 4 years ago, to a new town where we knew no one. I tried to go back to work, but I truly missed working from home, and caring for kids. I knew something had to be different this time, or it was gonna kill me.

My mom said something to me one day, and for some reason it just clicked.

She said "just wait until you hit your 50's. you can say what you want, and no one cares anymore. you can get away it."

And I thought...."why wait until I'm 50?!?! Why can't I be strong enough to speak my mind now?!?!?"

So now I do.

I have an issue with sarcasm sometimes, but I try to always be respectful while getting my point across. And the funniest thing happened.

No one walked out of my life, no one found a new daycare, no one got mad at me.

In fact, I think people respect me more.

It was a little weird at first, the first time I had to enforce a policy. But it gets easier, I promise.

You deserve it. We all deserve it.

I've always wondered why when men (no offense Michael and dave) speak their mind, they are strong. But when women do it, we're *itches.

Well, they can call me a *itch. What they no longer can call me is weak, a pushover, or a doormat.

Speaking my mind has become very freeing, and a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm breathing easier, and feeling stronger.

I have (almost) NO problems with my daycare families any more. When something is bugging me I tell them. When something doesn't work for me, I tell them. We talk about it, and we find a solution.

They know I mean business, and they respect me for it. And knowing they respect me, makes it easier for me to say yes when they DO need something a little extra. I'd do anything for my families...because I want to, and they make me want to....not because I'm being bullied into it against my will, or saying yes when I really mean no.

Tha's what makes us harbor regret and frustration. Only we can choose how we allow people to treat us.

Geez, I didn't mean to write a novel.

Reply

Yep.....everything Melskid said. It takes time. I think that as I gained confidence in myself and my program I felt less afraid to speak my mind. I used to overexplain and even apologize when they questioned paying for a vacation or Holiday. Now I just state it. No explanation necessary. I still struggle with it. Sometimes I use email so I don't have to speak about situations in person......that's for two reasons....one is because I don't talk about any situations with kids in front of other adults. Another is because......I don't yet have my backbone!

Reply

Good post!!! Thank you!

I feel that I am starting to come into my backbone and it is so FREEING! No more worrying past hours because I know I've already said out loud how it will be in my business/home and there is no need to stew about it.

It was a big moment for me when I realized that all of my families will have drama, problems and issues in their lives...and that I too will have drama, problems and issues in MY life (extended fam, friends, school, ect). I can't be bending rules for every issue or I would go nuts! I feel so much more at ease now that I've decided this. I'm hopeful that in the future I'll find the words easier.

Reply

It took me about 5 yrs. to grow a HUGE backbone, and I use it alot now adays!!!

Reply

I need a backbone I have one family bring their child in poopy diapers at least ten times and say ok ill change him or a mom says well may I go to the store because im almost there {store} so I say yes when I want to say um it would of been nice if you asked a head of time. I have one great family that I will never itch about ever. Her and her husband are the best and want more familys like them. I love her children like I gave birth to them. Other familys not so much because they use and abuse my polices So thank you for putting this up here so us that need help with the backbone can fro great providers that once was in our shoes.

Reply

I've been doing this for 3 years; and I'm just starting to get my backbone.

Like you, schedule changes without prior arrangement or notification is my BIGGEST pet peeve. I have a schedule and like to stick to it; and my day is totally thrown off when a parent arrives early/late; or picks up early/late. On Monday this week; a parent dropped off 45 minutes early... I was taking my DD to school and wasn't even home! But my DH was, and he kindly took the child. I was so livid when I got home that they dropped off before I even opened. I called her and told her that I was thrown off by her early drop off; and next time it must be arranged in advance. She apologized and then asked me if it was okay to drop off at their normal time the rest of the week. I was so confused. Why would you feel the need to ask if dropping off at normal time was okay; but not feel the need to ask if dropping off 45 minutes early was okay??? This parent is also consistently 10-30 min late/early dropping off and occasionally 15 min late picking up(my cutoff before paying late fees) with no notification. Her child is also a difficult one for me (I am always having napping/feeding/fussy issues with); so I am seriously considering finding a replacement for her and giving them notice. It's too much stress! But then I worry that the replacement family will end up just as bad.

Reply

I've been doing daycare for about 2 years now, and still working on my backbone...helps though, when I started with a dcm that seemed to push EVERY single policy if it didn't please her (she was the type that ONLY thought of herself and that her child was the only child enrolled..so if it didn't benefit him she would argue the policy). Anyways...after a few confrontations with her...my backbone was STARTING to get stronger. I had half a backbone (as my husband would say) because it is still difficult for me to stick up for my policies when I'm face to face with a parent. I'm getting there, though, it just takes time and LOTS of practice. It doesn't help that I'm 24 and some of my past dcf didn't seem to take me seriously. My current families are great; they respect me, my business, and my opinion.

Reply

I need to do it too. I am owed so much money because I dont force people to pay, and its not only once and a few hundred dollars! Im surprised my husband hasnt divorced me, for real! I have a lady who is supposed to pay me 40, yes 40 dollars a week for 2 kids and she still doesnt do it. If she was here right now I would tell her not to come back monday if she doesnt have the money, but by 6pm tonight I might chicken out!

Reply

I think Mel is totally right that people respect you more immediately if YOU respect yourself and stand up and say/do things when they need to be said or done.

I was just lucky enough to be born super comfortable in my own skin. I don't ever remember feeling pressured into doing things I didn't want to do, going along with the majority or feeling shy or uncomfortable saying or doing things I didn't believe in.

I also know that there are a million perspectives for any one situation and having the ability to stop and think from someone else's viewpoint helps alot. I may not always agree with others but I can absolutely see where people are coming from.

I have also never really cared about what others thought about me, because I am simply who I am. I can like that person or I can change that person into someone I do like. No one is going to do it for me so. I was always taught that I am the only person in charge of me. I am also the only person that I have to answer to when all is said and done.

Too many people in this world let others define them and that just isn't me. I guess I don't really know why or how come I feel that way, but I do.

I suppose I am a realist and know that I don't always like everyone and I can't realistically expect everyone to like me but what I can do is be respectful, honest and know exactly what is and isn't MY responsibility to change or control in a relationship, whether business or personal.

Mel is also right about the more you use your backbone, the easier it becomes.

Reply

I couldn't agree more with all these posts. My wife started a daycare 5 yrs ago. The first year was rough, people always being disrespectful and needy and expecting her to conform to all their schedules. She almost went crazy (and me too). When she started laying down the law to parents (in a firm but friendly way) - people started having a lot more respect and gratitude for what she does. She did a little research, put policies in place and enforced them (that's the tough part). Sure - we had a few people get upset and leave, but they were quickly replaced by people who respect her business and know that it is important to treat day care providers with the gratitude you deserve.

Reply

I have been doing it for 5 years. the first 3 years were not good at all and I really hated how crazy life was getting. My second daughter was sickly and very high needs and I was forced to restructure everything for her but she was the motivation to get daycare right, once and for all. My kids always come first now and that is why I do not work for free, put up with drama or anything like that. All that time and effort takes away from my own kids and i wont let anyone do that to them.

Reply

Hi, you are not alone in this. I to Im that way. I have a very tough time standingup for myself. Its been 6 years for me and I still have a very small backbone. I dont want to make anyone mad at me so I let a lot of stuff go.
I have had to remind myself that if its in my contract that I need to enforce it. You have there signatures so prove that they atleast signed at some point. Dont be to hard on your self. We all keep learning as we go.
Debbie

Reply

Growing up, I never had the nerve to stick up for myself. Somewhere along the way the backbone grew in, but it didn't apply to my daycare.

I finally grew that "daycare backbone" last year. I had this SA kid who's mother drove me crazy and I agreed to do things that made me bitter and I dreaded the kid coming every day. I wanted to love my job, but this family was making it difficult. So I changed it. My conversation with her ended up with me probably more angry than I needed to be, but I had built up all this resentment toward her and it all came out at the same time. I never wanted that to happen again, so if something comes up, I tackle it immediately.

And guess what? My daycare families have no problems with me enforcing my policies. In addition to no arguments, the backbone has led to fewer and fewer incidents where I even need to use it. The daycare families I have know what to expect and what's expected of them so there are very few problems. Love it!

The backbone takes practice, that's for sure. But with every new daycare family, it becomes easier when you start enforcing things from the beginning.

Reply

Thanks for everyones input

I know I am not the only one dealing with this & that my people pleasing gets me in trouble every single time

Let me tell you about my day today! I really wish I had my backbone in FULL FORCE, today could be one of those days that I break

DCK #1 comes in (7:30am) still in PJ's. DCM says sorry he wouldn't let me change him so I put his clothes in his bag. I wanted to say: WTH he is 19 months old!!! Don't tell me he wouldn't LET u change him!!! My policy states children must arrive dressed & ready for the day. I said: Ok smile, have a great day.

DCK #2-4 come in (8:15am & should be here at 7:45am): dck #3 has a dvd that dcm says he won't let go of it, sorry you don't have to play it. Dck #4 has pretty (choking hazard) bracelets on and is going around showing everyone. I wanted to say these items per my policy are not allowed. Here you go take them with you, thanks I said: Ok smile, have a great day.

DCK #5 arrives (10am) and is a crying mess, dcm won't leave is wanting her to settle down. This is dck 2nd week here so we are still adjusting. I wanted to say: ITS NORMAL please leave and go about your day bc the longer you stay the worse you are making this. She will be ok after you leave. I said: Ok tell mommy bye, she will settle down and be just fine.

see how I am making myself crazy????? I do know that if tomorrow is anything like today, I will probably be putting my foot down. Wait- maybe I need another day like today

Reply