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mountainside13 04:48 PM 07-22-2014
During our free play today, dcb (4) starting talking about mom and her bf. The parents separated 2.5 years ago and they (older brother is SA here for summer) have been with me for 3.5 years. He started talking about what they did this weekend and how much fun it was. Then transitioned into getting home. Mom and bf got into a fight and they were yelling really loud so they had to cover their ears because it hurt. Mom put them to bed and he still heard them yelling. At this point older brother told him to stop telling the story. Little brother started crying and older brother ran off. I was rocking the younger one when he said he couldn't go to sleep because the bf was throwing his mom against the wall. I asked him if I saw that happen and he said no he covered his ears. Then dad and his gf picked up.

This family is amazing and I love the boys to pieces like they are my own! I'm not sure what to do or if I should do anything. They could have been fighting and it turned to physical violence or...making up. WWYD?!
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Luna 05:02 PM 07-22-2014
I would have to tell mom what happened. There's no way I could keep it to myself, it would eat me up! Maybe do some research on what resources are available to her locally, so you could point her in a helpful direction.
I'm sorry. What a tough position you've been put in.
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KidGrind 05:06 PM 07-22-2014
I’d report what the child told you to CPS.
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mountainside13 05:12 PM 07-22-2014
Originally Posted by Luna:
I would have to tell mom what happened. There's no way I could keep it to myself, it would eat me up! Maybe do some research on what resources are available to her locally, so you could point her in a helpful direction.
I'm sorry. What a tough position you've been put in.
It stinks! If she is actually in danger I would jump in without a second thought! But I'm not sure if it is physical violence or make up s*e*x. I'm confused! It could be nothing or it could be really big! I have talked to the bf many times and he picks up occasionally, I don't think he could be abusive. But you never really know.
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mountainside13 05:13 PM 07-22-2014
Originally Posted by KidGrind:
I’d report what the child told you to CPS.
But if it is just make up intimacy....
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KidGrind 05:21 PM 07-22-2014
The what ifs shouldn’t be your concern.

The child confided in you.
He was upset.
There is the possibility of violence in the home.

Children are injured and murdered for all the people who should’ve made a call but didn’t because of the what ifs.
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mountainside13 05:33 PM 07-22-2014
Originally Posted by KidGrind:
The what ifs shouldn’t be your concern.

The child confided in you.
He was upset.
There is the possibility of violence in the home.

Children are injured and murdered for all the people who should’ve made a call but didn’t because of the what ifs.
I do agree with your second paragraph. He did confide in me and was upset. There is a very slight possibility of violence.

Abuse can happen at anytime! In this certain situation, I would have thought it would have happened a long time ago. Mom and BF have been together for 2.5 years, I have a feeling that's why the marriage ended. I am in no way certain, that's not my business! I didn't even notice until a year later when mom updated the contract with emergency contact info that the same name showed up for emergency contact. Before the divorce and after the divorce. I have never had to use the emergency contacts for the kiddos. I'm rambling now, I know what I should do, just having a hard time doing it.
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daycare 05:35 PM 07-22-2014
if this were me I would talk to the mom directly and get her side of the story.

I would keep it frank and tell dcm what dck told you. Wait for her response and if it does not add up then decide what you will need to do.

let her know how you handled it at your house.

Kids get things all messed up all the time and just as I would want someone to ask me first before running to cps, I would do the same.
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KidGrind 05:48 PM 07-22-2014
Originally Posted by mountainside13:
I do agree with your second paragraph. He did confide in me and was upset. There is a very slight possibility of violence.

Abuse can happen at anytime! In this certain situation, I would have thought it would have happened a long time ago. Mom and BF have been together for 2.5 years, I have a feeling that's why the marriage ended. I am in no way certain, that's not my business! I didn't even notice until a year later when mom updated the contract with emergency contact info that the same name showed up for emergency contact. Before the divorce and after the divorce. I have never had to use the emergency contacts for the kiddos. I'm rambling now, I know what I should do, just having a hard time doing it.
I live with the death of a child on my conscious everyday. It made the news. I see her eyes looking up at me. I second guessed myself. I said all the what ifs. I didn’t call.

She is dead.
I do not know if my calling would’ve made a difference.
I have to live with knowing a simple reporting of facts might have saved her life.

I also respectfully disagree with with talking the DCM. You have no idea whether her explanation will be truth. She may also tell her children, “You don’t tell Ms. ______ what goes on here.” Even worse you may get a two-week notice because now you know.

You are the child’s advocate.
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TwinKristi 05:55 PM 07-22-2014
I would call CPS. I'm a mandated reporter and that to ME would warrant a call.
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NightOwl 06:32 PM 07-22-2014
This is a cps call, and I don't say that lightly. Cps around here is USELESS, so I'm jaded. However, these kids are possibly in a violent home, witnessing (hearing it is a form of witnessing) the violence. You really don't have a choice if you want to sleep at night.

I'm terribly sorry you're in this position. I feel like talking to mom will "tip her off" and she'll remove the kids or coach them on what not to say, etc. Don't talk to her. Just make the dreaded call. Remember, it's not your job to decide whether there is abuse, it's your job to report suspicions.
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NightOwl 06:33 PM 07-22-2014
Originally Posted by KidGrind:
I live with the death of a child on my conscious everyday. It made the news. I see her eyes looking up at me. I second guessed myself. I said all the what ifs. I didn’t call.

She is dead.
I do not know if my calling would’ve made a difference.
I have to live with knowing a simple reporting of facts might have saved her life.

I also respectfully disagree with with talking the DCM. You have no idea whether her explanation will be truth. She may also tell her children, “You don’t tell Ms. ______ what goes on here.” Even worse you may get a two-week notice because now you know.

You are the child’s advocate.
Kidgrind, I'd love to read your story, if/when you're ready to tell it.
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Josiegirl 02:27 AM 07-23-2014
I agree with the reporting, don't say a word to dcm. And tell them exactly what the boys told you. It's CPS's job as to what needs to be done then. If nothing's really going on, maybe it'll wake the mom and bf up to not put all their yelling and fighting in front of the kids.
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mountainside13 06:46 AM 07-23-2014
Ug! I hate this! But I know you guys are right!
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debbiedoeszip 06:59 AM 07-23-2014
I would call CPS. I don't think that home daycare workers here are considered mandated reporters, but I think that people who work closely with children should still follow those guidelines. Call, don't tell mom, and see how it all plays out. If it's as bad as the child made it out to be (and his brother's reaction suggests it was), then it's a situation that is at the very least traumatizing and at worst dangerous.
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debbiedoeszip 07:05 AM 07-23-2014
Originally Posted by mountainside13:
But if it is just make up intimacy....
Then a call from CPS might be just what is needed for them to pull their heads out of their butts. DH and I don't always agree, but we keep it quiet and non-hostile because we share our home with a minor. And what we do in the bedroom is far from vanilla but we are always aware that we don't live alone, and so we tailor our behaviour/noise accordingly.

If it's just a case of a noisy disagreement followed by noisy sex, then they have nothing to worry about (though they should really pull their heads out), but if it's something more...
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TaylorTots 08:03 AM 07-23-2014
I have no opinion whether you should report or talk to mom. Regardless, I do want to say.....

Older brother knows something. He told younger brother to stop telling the story when it got to any allegedly abusive parts. As a school ager he could give a better synopsis of what happened. If the older brother won't talk to you, he's not likely going to talk to CPS.
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MrsSteinel'sHouse 09:41 AM 07-23-2014
Mandated reported- call CPS let them decide what to do.

I also have had a little one that was killed.. I had called, numerous times but it still breaks my heart.

Call anyway.
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CraftyMom 11:12 AM 07-23-2014
I was also wondering if you talked to the older brother?
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Chellieleanne 11:32 AM 07-23-2014
Originally Posted by TaylorTots:
I have no opinion whether you should report or talk to mom. Regardless, I do want to say.....

Older brother knows something. He told younger brother to stop telling the story when it got to any allegedly abusive parts. As a school ager he could give a better synopsis of what happened. If the older brother won't talk to you, he's not likely going to talk to CPS.
This completely. Brother has sense so to speak to keep his mouth shut so there must be truth to the story. I would report it.
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KidGrind 11:43 AM 07-23-2014
Originally Posted by MrsSteinel'sHouse:
Mandated reported- call CPS let them decide what to do.

I also have had a little one that was killed.. I had called, numerous times but it still breaks my heart.

Call anyway.
The child wasn’t in my care. Also, I wasn’t a provider at the time. It was a neighbor’s child.
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mountainside13 12:02 PM 07-23-2014
I think I figured it out. I talked to the older brother while the other kids were down for nap. I asked him what they were fighting about but he didn't know just that it was loud. I asked him why his little brother couldn't tell me about what the bf did to mom in their room. He said it is a secret. I told him that he can trust me and he is in a safe place. Then he couldn't get it out fast enough. Bf and mom are going to make a baby but no one can know yet.

Now I'm confused as to how he would know that s*e*x makes babies. After talking to him it's making this even harder. I have been sick to my stomach over this whole thing. I really just want to go for a drive and scream the feelings out.
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Tags:mandated reporter, violence, violence talk
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