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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Needs Advice For My Own Son
jenny31052 10:22 AM 03-21-2013
Sorry this is lengthy...
My son is 3 and 1/2 - bright kid, never was a problem baby - I cut down doing full-time daycare after my military husband left for a year, so I could focus on finishing school and to lower the amount of work on my hands - so Now I have a 6 months old, and a 5 years old 2-3 days a week, which works out perfect, and it helps me to earn some extra cash to pay a few bills.
Now, my own is sometimes driving me crazy. He goes to pre-school two half days a week, so I get that little break. He doesn't have any when dropped off, he never had really, even when I had to leave him with a sitter as a young infant.
I don't have any family here, they live in Europe, and right now is just me, my son, and I'm the sole responsible for managing the household since my husband is overseas as well. I don't have much of a social life because I'm in school full time, and I always have an hard time finding alternate care for my son if I want to go out with friends. And that's ok... I have never been a huge party person anyway, and I'm comfortable at home.
However here is the issue... some days I can't do anything in the house without having my whiny kid attached on my butt wherever I go.
This week is being particularly rough. I missed pre-school because he was not feeling good, so it has been a looong week...
Every night there is a tantrum to go to bed, a thing that can take up to an hour and a half of thousands of excuses, trips to bathroom, one more story, one more lullaby... and so on... and we do have a bedtime routine of milk, bath, storytime, and night night time... since he was born...
He plays independently for a few minutes at the time, then, as soon as he sees me walking around doing things, he stops playing and gets in whatever I'm doing.
Like for example, right now, I'm typing this, and instead of playing with the 5 years old in his well furnished playroom, he is here squirming beside me, whining because he wants yet, another cup of milk...
I can't do homework while he is awake because it is guarantee that as soon as I sit in front of the computer he will want to play with it, and starts whining yet again, making me loose focus..
I have no problems saying "no" to him... I do, but I can't stand the ever going whining that comes after that...
I'm in school full time, and I have to take care of him, the house, bills, and whatever else that comes in my way. I have nobody that I can delegate too, so I really need him to be able to entertain himself when I have things to do in the house.
For example, this morning I sat down with the kids to do some crafts, then they went off for some free play. I watched them for a while, and once I saw that they were settled playing with some figurines, and cars, making up adventures, I decided that I was going to take 10 minutes to run the vacuum in the living room... sure enough, as soon as I start messing around with it, here he comes "Mom what are you doing? Can I do it? Its my turn! I want to do it!" I firmly told him to go back in the playroom to play while I was running the vacuum, I took him there... no way, here he comes again asking to watch TV, then 30 seconds later he wants milk, then he grabs his lovey, and walks around like an headless chicken, whining like a puppy... (I was ignoring him...). Then he cries, so I put him in time out and told him that when he was doing crying he could come and play... he said he didn't want to play, so I told him then "you can lay down on the couch and rest, because looks like you're tired"... nope, didn't want to... so I told him to stay in time out until he is done complaining. He finally realized that he was not having it, so he went back to play with the other kid..
It is absolutely annoying...and he makes my patience running very thin...yesterday, I had no kids so we went to the park, he rode the train, then we went to the mall for some shopping, and he had ice cream, and it was a nice day where he had fun...
Last weekend we went to a small amusement park here in the city, and it has a great day... so he is not like we are cooped up here getting bored all day, but I have things to do for school, and around the house... I'm not expecting him to be on his own all day long, but I wish he would entertain himself a little longer, and be less whiny... sitting him in front of the TV is not an option for me...
Is this normal?? Are you kids the same??
I'm just tired of losing patience....
My son is 3 and 1/2 - bright kid, never was a problem baby - I cut down doing full-time daycare after my military husband left for a year, so I could focus on finishing school and to lower the amount of work on my hands - so Now I have a 6 months old, and a 5 years old 2-3 days a week, which works out perfect, and it helps me to earn some extra cash to pay a few bills.
Now, my own is sometimes driving me crazy. He goes to pre-school two half days a week, so I get that little break. He doesn't have any when dropped off, he never had really, even when I had to leave him with a sitter as a young infant.
I don't have any family here, they live in Europe, and right now is just me, my son, and I'm the sole responsible for managing the household since my husband is overseas as well. I don't have much of a social life because I'm in school full time, and I always have an hard time finding alternate care for my son if I want to go out with friends. And that's ok... I have never been a huge party person anyway, and I'm comfortable at home.
However here is the issue... some days I can't do anything in the house without having my whiny kid attached on my butt wherever I go.
This week is being particularly rough. I missed pre-school because he was not feeling good, so it has been a looong week...
Every night there is a tantrum to go to bed, a thing that can take up to an hour and a half of thousands of excuses, trips to bathroom, one more story, one more lullaby... and so on... and we do have a bedtime routine of milk, bath, storytime, and night night time... since he was born...
He plays independently for a few minutes at the time, then, as soon as he sees me walking around doing things, he stops playing and gets in whatever I'm doing.
Like for example, right now, I'm typing this, and instead of playing with the 5 years old in his well furnished playroom, he is here squirming beside me, whining because he wants yet, another cup of milk...
I can't do homework while he is awake because it is guarantee that as soon as I sit in front of the computer he will want to play with it, and starts whining yet again, making me loose focus..
I have no problems saying "no" to him... I do, but I can't stand the ever going whining that comes after that...
I'm in school full time, and I have to take care of him, the house, bills, and whatever else that comes in my way. I have nobody that I can delegate too, so I really need him to be able to entertain himself when I have things to do in the house.
For example, this morning I sat down with the kids to do some crafts, then they went off for some free play. I watched them for a while, and once I saw that they were settled playing with some figurines, and cars, making up adventures, I decided that I was going to take 10 minutes to run the vacuum in the living room... sure enough, as soon as I start messing around with it, here he comes "Mom what are you doing? Can I do it? Its my turn! I want to do it!" I firmly told him to go back in the playroom to play while I was running the vacuum, I took him there... no way, here he comes again asking to watch TV, then 30 seconds later he wants milk, then he grabs his lovey, and walks around like an headless chicken, whining like a puppy... (I was ignoring him...). Then he cries, so I put him in time out and told him that when he was doing crying he could come and play... he said he didn't want to play, so I told him then "you can lay down on the couch and rest, because looks like you're tired"... nope, didn't want to... so I told him to stay in time out until he is done complaining. He finally realized that he was not having it, so he went back to play with the other kid..
It is absolutely annoying...and he makes my patience running very thin...yesterday, I had no kids so we went to the park, he rode the train, then we went to the mall for some shopping, and he had ice cream, and it was a nice day where he had fun...
Last weekend we went to a small amusement park here in the city, and it has a great day... so he is not like we are cooped up here getting bored all day, but I have things to do for school, and around the house... I'm not expecting him to be on his own all day long, but I wish he would entertain himself a little longer, and be less whiny... sitting him in front of the TV is not an option for me...
Is this normal?? Are you kids the same??
I'm just tired of losing patience....
bunnyslippers 10:36 AM 03-21-2013
I have been there, and am there right now. I have a 2 1/2 year old son as well, and he is very demanding of my time. During the daycare hours, I can get him to play with the other children, and he plays quite well. When he is with his 5 year old brother, he is also good. But those days when it is just me and him....well, he can be a challenge!
I try to keep everything as consistent and clear as I can. I also am not a one-woman carnival, so sometimes he needs to entertain himself.
On particularly challenging days, I will set a timer for 30 minutes. During those 30 minutes, he needs to play independently. When the timer goes off, I set it for 15 minutes, when he gets my undivided attention. Rinse, and repeat.
Sometimes it helps if I give him "jobs." Today, he helped my dust with his own dust rag. Other times, I have him help me set up/clear the table, etc.
Good luck - 2 only lasts for a short time, and you will miss it terribly when it is over!
I try to keep everything as consistent and clear as I can. I also am not a one-woman carnival, so sometimes he needs to entertain himself.
On particularly challenging days, I will set a timer for 30 minutes. During those 30 minutes, he needs to play independently. When the timer goes off, I set it for 15 minutes, when he gets my undivided attention. Rinse, and repeat.
Sometimes it helps if I give him "jobs." Today, he helped my dust with his own dust rag. Other times, I have him help me set up/clear the table, etc.
Good luck - 2 only lasts for a short time, and you will miss it terribly when it is over!
itlw8 10:50 AM 03-21-2013
Yes it is normal.... and yes you can teach him not to do it as much.
I tell my dgs I do not hear whiney voice... and I do not get what ever he wants... he whines again I lower my voice ans say I can not hear whiney voice.
I also teach them to wait. I hear you but you need to wait until I finish this.
Validate what he says. but if he needs to wait then make him wait. Then make sure you do what you said.
It will get better and he will turn 4... That is what I keep telling myself. DGS turns 4 in August and It really will get better soon. He has a hole in his life because he was taken away from his mother and it is the same for your ds with dad away. Your ds is just checking you are still there and not leaving.
Keep reminding him I love you and I am here. Dad loves you and will be home ------ or Dad loves you we will talk with him _____
I tell my dgs I do not hear whiney voice... and I do not get what ever he wants... he whines again I lower my voice ans say I can not hear whiney voice.
I also teach them to wait. I hear you but you need to wait until I finish this.
Validate what he says. but if he needs to wait then make him wait. Then make sure you do what you said.
It will get better and he will turn 4... That is what I keep telling myself. DGS turns 4 in August and It really will get better soon. He has a hole in his life because he was taken away from his mother and it is the same for your ds with dad away. Your ds is just checking you are still there and not leaving.
Keep reminding him I love you and I am here. Dad loves you and will be home ------ or Dad loves you we will talk with him _____
Heidi 10:53 AM 03-21-2013
PP's have some good ideas
One technique for bedtime is having a small light and a few books (if he likes books, otherwise, a some small favorite toys or story reader will work).
"here's the deal, buddy. You get this light on (help him pick one) and you can lay in your bed and read (or play quietly). But, if you get out of your bed AT ALL, the books go away and the light is off. Got it?"
I learned that from a neighbor who was single mother when I was a teenager. I've used it with a few daycare kids for naptime, too.
When you do your schoolwork (or try), can you get him some "school" work of his own to do? Either one of those "computers" or some workbooks? I'm not a fan of workbooks, but they may make him feel like a big-kid and he will be emulating what you are doing.
Also..choices. "You can either sit by me quietly and play..which I would love, OR, you can go in your room. I will NOT let you stand next to me and whine".
where are you from, btw? I am originally from Germany.
One technique for bedtime is having a small light and a few books (if he likes books, otherwise, a some small favorite toys or story reader will work).
"here's the deal, buddy. You get this light on (help him pick one) and you can lay in your bed and read (or play quietly). But, if you get out of your bed AT ALL, the books go away and the light is off. Got it?"
I learned that from a neighbor who was single mother when I was a teenager. I've used it with a few daycare kids for naptime, too.
When you do your schoolwork (or try), can you get him some "school" work of his own to do? Either one of those "computers" or some workbooks? I'm not a fan of workbooks, but they may make him feel like a big-kid and he will be emulating what you are doing.
Also..choices. "You can either sit by me quietly and play..which I would love, OR, you can go in your room. I will NOT let you stand next to me and whine".
where are you from, btw? I am originally from Germany.
just_peachy 10:56 AM 03-21-2013
My son is 5 and we are having very similar issues. I also have a 7 year old son and a 3 year old daughter that have no issues. Sometimes I worry it's middle-child syndrome. 
I get very frustrated with him because he picks on the daycare kids, but in a very sneaky way. For example, if he sees that a kid is building a LEGO castle with just blue LEGOS, he'll very slyly hide the rest of the blue LEGOS behind his back. When they notice, he'll block them from getting the LEGOS. He's quiet and sneaky about it, I have to be watching him 24/7 to prevent him from doing things like that.
Lately, I've been trying to make the daycare kids more of a treat to him than an obligation. I've had him help me with EVERYTHING, laundry, dinner, tidying... and if he doesn't want to do the action, I at least tell him I'd like him to "keep me company." I think partly he likes the one on one time, and partly it gives him time to get bored with me. Then, when he goes back to playing with the DCKs he's more agreeable and interactive.
It's not a perfect solution, but it's better than what I WAS doing. (Time outs, time in his room, bla bla bla...)
I feel so guilty sometimes because I can't wait until he goes to kindergarten next year. I know the horrible weather has a lot to do with it too! He's also my sportiest, loves his bike, scooter, and even skateboard, and I think he's having a hard time without those outlets.
Come on summer!
I get very frustrated with him because he picks on the daycare kids, but in a very sneaky way. For example, if he sees that a kid is building a LEGO castle with just blue LEGOS, he'll very slyly hide the rest of the blue LEGOS behind his back. When they notice, he'll block them from getting the LEGOS. He's quiet and sneaky about it, I have to be watching him 24/7 to prevent him from doing things like that.
Lately, I've been trying to make the daycare kids more of a treat to him than an obligation. I've had him help me with EVERYTHING, laundry, dinner, tidying... and if he doesn't want to do the action, I at least tell him I'd like him to "keep me company." I think partly he likes the one on one time, and partly it gives him time to get bored with me. Then, when he goes back to playing with the DCKs he's more agreeable and interactive.
It's not a perfect solution, but it's better than what I WAS doing. (Time outs, time in his room, bla bla bla...)
I feel so guilty sometimes because I can't wait until he goes to kindergarten next year.
I know the horrible weather has a lot to do with it too! He's also my sportiest, loves his bike, scooter, and even skateboard, and I think he's having a hard time without those outlets. Come on summer!
Heidi 10:59 AM 03-21-2013
Originally Posted by just_peachy:
My son is 5 and we are having very similar issues. I also have a 7 year old son and a 3 year old daughter that have no issues. Sometimes I worry it's middle-child syndrome.
I get very frustrated with him because he picks on the daycare kids, but in a very sneaky way. For example, if he sees that a kid is building a LEGO castle with just blue LEGOS, he'll very slyly hide the rest of the blue LEGOS behind his back. When they notice, he'll block them from getting the LEGOS. He's quiet and sneaky about it, I have to be watching him 24/7 to prevent him from doing things like that.
Lately, I've been trying to make the daycare kids more of a treat to him than an obligation. I've had him help me with EVERYTHING, laundry, dinner, tidying... and if he doesn't want to do the action, I at least tell him I'd like him to "keep me company." I think partly he likes the one on one time, and partly it gives him time to get bored with me. Then, when he goes back to playing with the DCKs he's more agreeable and interactive.
It's not a perfect solution, but it's better than what I WAS doing. (Time outs, time in his room, bla bla bla...)
I feel so guilty sometimes because I can't wait until he goes to kindergarten next year. I know the horrible weather has a lot to do with it too! He's also my sportiest, loves his bike, scooter, and even skateboard, and I think he's having a hard time without those outlets.
Come on summer!
yeah...we are all going a little looney-tunes with cabin fever...My son is 5 and we are having very similar issues. I also have a 7 year old son and a 3 year old daughter that have no issues. Sometimes I worry it's middle-child syndrome.
I get very frustrated with him because he picks on the daycare kids, but in a very sneaky way. For example, if he sees that a kid is building a LEGO castle with just blue LEGOS, he'll very slyly hide the rest of the blue LEGOS behind his back. When they notice, he'll block them from getting the LEGOS. He's quiet and sneaky about it, I have to be watching him 24/7 to prevent him from doing things like that.
Lately, I've been trying to make the daycare kids more of a treat to him than an obligation. I've had him help me with EVERYTHING, laundry, dinner, tidying... and if he doesn't want to do the action, I at least tell him I'd like him to "keep me company." I think partly he likes the one on one time, and partly it gives him time to get bored with me. Then, when he goes back to playing with the DCKs he's more agreeable and interactive.
It's not a perfect solution, but it's better than what I WAS doing. (Time outs, time in his room, bla bla bla...)
I feel so guilty sometimes because I can't wait until he goes to kindergarten next year.
I know the horrible weather has a lot to do with it too! He's also my sportiest, loves his bike, scooter, and even skateboard, and I think he's having a hard time without those outlets. Come on summer!
MNMum 11:37 AM 03-21-2013
Totally normal...albeit annoying! If you have time, you could create a few special shoeboxes of toys to take out when you really need him to play independently. Make sure everything inside is something he can do without help. Also, make the rule, if he bugs you, those are put away.
Consider hiring a high school kid to come a couple hours in the evening, 1-2 days per week. My husband was deployed for 18 mos. At the beginning my kids were 2.5 years and 6 years and I had my 3rd child 4 months before he returned. After the baby came, I had a sitter come around dinnertime-bedtime - best money ever spent! Even though sometimes I did not spend that time in a very productive manner, I knew someone was giving my girls undivided attention and they were out of my hair. I just didn't have the energy to do it all, all the time. Looking back, I should have asked for more help - not from family, but friends, neighbors, girl scout troops, etc.
Consider hiring a high school kid to come a couple hours in the evening, 1-2 days per week. My husband was deployed for 18 mos. At the beginning my kids were 2.5 years and 6 years and I had my 3rd child 4 months before he returned. After the baby came, I had a sitter come around dinnertime-bedtime - best money ever spent! Even though sometimes I did not spend that time in a very productive manner, I knew someone was giving my girls undivided attention and they were out of my hair. I just didn't have the energy to do it all, all the time. Looking back, I should have asked for more help - not from family, but friends, neighbors, girl scout troops, etc.
jenny31052 12:23 PM 03-21-2013
Thank you for the advices...
Sometimes I'm just sooo tired that I just want to lay down, close my eyes, and not be bothered, and it rarely happens.
He has one of those stars-projectors in his room, and he has his lovey (a teddy bear he made at Build-a-Bear Workshop), and a one of those stuffed animals that makes white noise - and recently he asked if he could have one of those pillows that light-up, that they show on TV - I was reluctant, but I ended up spending the $20 hoping that it would make him love his bedtime again...
What is more frustrating is that I tried many things, like giving him his "homework" book, where he scribbles for a while, while I do my school work, and he does love to help with things like the dishwasher, or cleaning up after dinner, feeding the cats, or laundry...
Is just this clingy behavior, that drives me bonkers - the other day I wanted to take a shower, so I turned on the TV and I told him to sit for 10 minutes watching Dora, while Mommy takes a shower (quick morning shower..) he said "Ok!" sure enough, 5 minutes later I'm about to go in (I leave the bathroom door open so I can hear...) and he comes into the bathroom: "Mommy! Are you taking a shower?" Uuuughhh!!! I wanted to scream! So those 10 minutes I was in the bathroom he spent them running around chasing the cats, and freaking them out (thing that he is not allowed to do...)
I really hope is just a phase...
Sometimes I'm just sooo tired that I just want to lay down, close my eyes, and not be bothered, and it rarely happens.
He has one of those stars-projectors in his room, and he has his lovey (a teddy bear he made at Build-a-Bear Workshop), and a one of those stuffed animals that makes white noise - and recently he asked if he could have one of those pillows that light-up, that they show on TV - I was reluctant, but I ended up spending the $20 hoping that it would make him love his bedtime again...
What is more frustrating is that I tried many things, like giving him his "homework" book, where he scribbles for a while, while I do my school work, and he does love to help with things like the dishwasher, or cleaning up after dinner, feeding the cats, or laundry...
Is just this clingy behavior, that drives me bonkers - the other day I wanted to take a shower, so I turned on the TV and I told him to sit for 10 minutes watching Dora, while Mommy takes a shower (quick morning shower..) he said "Ok!" sure enough, 5 minutes later I'm about to go in (I leave the bathroom door open so I can hear...) and he comes into the bathroom: "Mommy! Are you taking a shower?" Uuuughhh!!! I wanted to scream! So those 10 minutes I was in the bathroom he spent them running around chasing the cats, and freaking them out (thing that he is not allowed to do...)
I really hope is just a phase...
Heidi 01:47 PM 03-21-2013
I agree with the PP that said hire a highschooler and get out a little, even if it's just a cup of coffee in your car at the nearest park. You need some "me time".