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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Keeping peace with neighbors long
Thriftylady 11:04 AM 09-25-2015
Okay, I need some backstory which is going to make this long. My neighbor passes away a couple of years ago. She was on Soc. Security and got rent help, utility help all that. Her whole family would come show up for her to cook for them, or become homeless and show up and live there etc. This is a 3 bedroom one bath house. She passed and her two daughters who had moved in with her (one there to help her, the other was homeless after her divorce) they still live there. One, the one that was helping her mom got a job. She works at a hotel cleaning rooms for just over min. wage. Some weeks she gets lots of hours others not so much depends how many rooms to clean. The other sister still refuses to work, says she can't blah blah. They both end up with their kids and grandkids living there for months on end. One set was there nine months and a couple weeks after they moved out, in moved the other set and their three kids. Still getting rent help, utility help, both sisters have seperate food stamp cases because they say they don't share food (they do). Then when the kids and grandkids move in, they always have another food stamp case in the house since none of them work. So they all live off the system.

So here is where now I have an issue. Last year, the other set of kids wanted to come play here with my DCKs and I said no, they couldn't be here unless they were DCKS. This year the one girl from over there and my DCG get on the bus together her. So now that my girls are coming earlier in the evening when we are outside they want to come over. And so does the little boy in the class with my other DCG (siblings) from down the street. Well don't you know it the moochers from across the street are happy to say "sure go play with your friends" while never even looking out the door to check on their kids. So now I am the neighborhood babysitter while I have extra kids over here dragging out toys and not wanting to put them away, playing in the sandbox and pouring my sand on the ground etc. My DCKs want to play with their friends, but I am starting to feel used up.

If you are still reading God Bless You! But how do I deal with this given I am feeling used and abused here?
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Play Care 11:15 AM 09-25-2015
The only thing you can do is send them home. Try it nicely at first, but you may have to get firm. "I'm sorry, this is a day care, you have to go home." Don't let them stay.

I'd tell your dck's firmly "you'll need to have your mom or dad invite Sally to your house if you want to play. I can't have them at my house/in my yard during day care, it's not allowed."

Do you have a fenced yard? I'd be playing in that and making sure the gate was locked.

ETA: I know you want to keep it friendly but there's only so much you can do.
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mommyneedsadayoff 11:18 AM 09-25-2015
Just say no and tell them to go home. My sister went throught he same thing. Kids get home from school, they all want to play at her house and no other parents will let them to come to theirs, so even though it made her look like the bad guy, she started turning them away and saying no. It is all you can do. Legally, they have no right to play at your house, so turn them away and let your kids know why. "Thrifty is working so we cannot have other here. Who wants to color???!"
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e.j. 11:20 AM 09-25-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
Okay, I need some backstory which is going to make this long. My neighbor passes away a couple of years ago. She was on Soc. Security and got rent help, utility help all that. Her whole family would come show up for her to cook for them, or become homeless and show up and live there etc. This is a 3 bedroom one bath house. She passed and her two daughters who had moved in with her (one there to help her, the other was homeless after her divorce) they still live there. One, the one that was helping her mom got a job. She works at a hotel cleaning rooms for just over min. wage. Some weeks she gets lots of hours others not so much depends how many rooms to clean. The other sister still refuses to work, says she can't blah blah. They both end up with their kids and grandkids living there for months on end. One set was there nine months and a couple weeks after they moved out, in moved the other set and their three kids. Still getting rent help, utility help, both sisters have seperate food stamp cases because they say they don't share food (they do). Then when the kids and grandkids move in, they always have another food stamp case in the house since none of them work. So they all live off the system.

So here is where now I have an issue. Last year, the other set of kids wanted to come play here with my DCKs and I said no, they couldn't be here unless they were DCKS. This year the one girl from over there and my DCG get on the bus together her. So now that my girls are coming earlier in the evening when we are outside they want to come over. And so does the little boy in the class with my other DCG (siblings) from down the street. Well don't you know it the moochers from across the street are happy to say "sure go play with your friends" while never even looking out the door to check on their kids. So now I am the neighborhood babysitter while I have extra kids over here dragging out toys and not wanting to put them away, playing in the sandbox and pouring my sand on the ground etc. My DCKs want to play with their friends, but I am starting to feel used up.

If you are still reading God Bless You! But how do I deal with this given I am feeling used and abused here?
I would call/walk over and explain to the neighbors that while their kids are wonderful and I understand they want to play with their friends, for licensing/insurance reasons, I can't have the kids playing on my property during day care hours unless they are enrolled in my day care. I'd give them the tuition rates for after school care (if you don't mind having them there as long as they're paying customers) and see what they say. Unless they do enroll and pay for your care, I would nicely tell the neighbor kids that unfortunately, because you have rules to follow, they can't join you while you're watching their classmates but maybe they could ask their parents to set up some play dates for another time.
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racemom 11:21 AM 09-25-2015
I don't know if you are licensed or what your state laws are, but here you could not legally have them over without counting in your ratio. Which is a perfect way to get out of being neighbor babysitter. So sorry kids, but state says only registered dck allowed.
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Crazy8 11:23 AM 09-25-2015
Just say no!!!!!! Let the neighbors and your dc children know that you are not allowed to have anyone over who is not part of the daycare. They come over, send them right back home. Rinse and repeat until they get the point.
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laundrymom 11:24 AM 09-25-2015
Listen to the other posters.
Just tell them, sorry... This is the daycare. Only enrolled kids can play. Have a great night.
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Thriftylady 11:54 AM 09-25-2015
I am legally unlicensed so can only have 6. The problem being I have only two right now. With neighbor kids I have five. I am going to say no. Maybe I will be nice once a week and allow them for an hour or so IF they follow the rules. I am going to have a talk with the DCKs tonight before we go outside. I really don't want to be mean, but I am not the town sitter either. My girls asked to go over there the other night and I had to say no. First off because the dad just got out of jail and they are not telling anyone why. He was there a month or so and is on probation or something now. The mom is in jail for 90 days supposedly because of tickets she didn't pay but who really knows. I guess I kind of feel sorry for the kids.
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Rockgirl 12:04 PM 09-25-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
I am legally unlicensed so can only have 6. The problem being I have only two right now. With neighbor kids I have five. I am going to say no. Maybe I will be nice once a week and allow them for an hour or so IF they follow the rules. I am going to have a talk with the DCKs tonight before we go outside. I really don't want to be mean, but I am not the town sitter either. My girls asked to go over there the other night and I had to say no. First off because the dad just got out of jail and they are not telling anyone why. He was there a month or so and is on probation or something now. The mom is in jail for 90 days supposedly because of tickets she didn't pay but who really knows. I guess I kind of feel sorry for the kids.
They don't have to know how many you have enrolled, and I'm betting they know nothing about regulations, anyway. I'd just nicely tell them that due to daycare regulations, you aren't allowed to have extra kids over. Or non-enrolled children--whatever sounds appropriate.
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e.j. 12:06 PM 09-25-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
I guess I kind of feel sorry for the kids.
How sorry will you feel if one of them gets hurt and the parents turn around and sue you? I just wouldn't want that kind of liability, especially for a family that isn't even paying you to watch their kids. It's hard to turn a kid away but we're living in such a sue-happy society that I don't want to take any more risk than I already do being a child care provider.
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laundrymom 12:30 PM 09-25-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
I am legally unlicensed so can only have 6. The problem being I have only two right now. With neighbor kids I have five. I am going to say no. Maybe I will be nice once a week and allow them for an hour or so IF they follow the rules. I am going to have a talk with the DCKs tonight before we go outside. I really don't want to be mean, but I am not the town sitter either. My girls asked to go over there the other night and I had to say no. First off because the dad just got out of jail and they are not telling anyone why. He was there a month or so and is on probation or something now. The mom is in jail for 90 days supposedly because of tickets she didn't pay but who really knows. I guess I kind of feel sorry for the kids.

You could always send them a bill. ?? Mark cancel on it but tell them next te you'll need paid and all paperwork turned in. Oh. And a hefty enrollment fee. 😎😎
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Thriftylady 12:32 PM 09-25-2015
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
You could always send them a bill. ?? Mark cancel on it but tell them next te you'll need paid and all paperwork turned in. Oh. And a hefty enrollment fee. 😎😎
Yeah I think if they end up over here tonight I may tell them they need to enroll and their parents have to pay for that. I am going to talk to my girls when they get here BEFORE we go outside. The other night it all started with hollering back and forth across the street, I am going to tell them if that happens again we will come straight inside.
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littletots 12:42 PM 09-25-2015
I would give regs as excuse. Hopefully, cold weather will come & you'll stay in more.
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Unregistered 12:49 PM 09-25-2015
I would allow my own daughter to have friends over but never a dck's friend. That needs to be taken care of by the dck's family.
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mommiebookworm 01:14 PM 09-25-2015
I would say no. Ive done that plenty of times with our neighbors. I just say that it's against regulations for daycare.
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childcaremom 01:45 PM 09-25-2015
Originally Posted by mommiebookworm:
I would say no. Ive done that plenty of times with our neighbors. I just say that it's against regulations for daycare.


I'm legally unlicensed and blame regs all the time. Even if I am ok number wise.
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auntymimi 02:10 PM 09-25-2015
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I would allow my own daughter to have friends over but never a dck's friend. That needs to be taken care of by the dck's family.
This. I have the same issue. Great little girls next door and I do allow them sometimes but usually not with dck because it would put me over ratio. Dcg begs for them to come over every day. I just say, "why don't you ask mommy to host a play date?"
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Thriftylady 02:37 PM 09-25-2015
Thanks everyone for making me not feel like a big ole meanie. I guess I just feel like if their own parents don't provide toys and such for them why should I? I do feel sorry for them, but if I took in everyone I feel sorry for this house would be full of kids and animals. I can't even walk in an animal shelter.
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grandmom 03:30 PM 09-25-2015
NO NO NO.

You cannot let them come one day a week if they follow the rules. They don't have boundaries and they will be there every day.

You have to set the boundary and stick to it.

NO NO NO. They cannot come play.
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auntymimi 03:34 PM 09-25-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
Thanks everyone for making me not feel like a big ole meanie. I guess I just feel like if their own parents don't provide toys and such for them why should I? I do feel sorry for them, but if I took in everyone I feel sorry for this house would be full of kids and animals. I can't even walk in an animal shelter.
I have other neighbors, lovely older couple, with an adult daughter who FINALLY moved out. It was supposed to be a temporary situation, but 7 mos later....anyway she had her 3 kids and live in bf (who wasn't dad and didn't work) there waiting on sec8 housing. These kids were some of the most unappreciative, entitled children ever! They literally moved to grandparents with nothing, no toys, just some clothes that's it. They would watch our daughters riding bikes and beg to ride it. Of course, parents were never out with them and these are little kids. Dh felt sorry and fixed up an older bike that used to be our nieces and brought it over. Bought training wheels and everything. Middle child, 6yo, says "I don't want that one! I want the pink one!" Talking about dd bike. Mom was right there, says nothing. Not one word. Little girl starts screaming tantrum demanding dd bike! I was flabbergasted ! Thank Goodness they moved!
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Thriftylady 04:15 PM 09-25-2015
Originally Posted by auntymimi:
I have other neighbors, lovely older couple, with an adult daughter who FINALLY moved out. It was supposed to be a temporary situation, but 7 mos later....anyway she had her 3 kids and live in bf (who wasn't dad and didn't work) there waiting on sec8 housing. These kids were some of the most unappreciative, entitled children ever! They literally moved to grandparents with nothing, no toys, just some clothes that's it. They would watch our daughters riding bikes and beg to ride it. Of course, parents were never out with them and these are little kids. Dh felt sorry and fixed up an older bike that used to be our nieces and brought it over. Bought training wheels and everything. Middle child, 6yo, says "I don't want that one! I want the pink one!" Talking about dd bike. Mom was right there, says nothing. Not one word. Little girl starts screaming tantrum demanding dd bike! I was flabbergasted ! Thank Goodness they moved!
This is kind of the sort of parents in both groups of the kids that keep moving in and out over there. Makes me so mad that parents are like this. I have given them (the household) some toys I was getting rid of over there. I gave them my old play kitchen when I got a better one. Told them what thrift store to go to get cheap play kitchen stuff. They never bought one thing to go with it or even found some real stuff for it, it sits outside in the yard never getting played with.
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jgcp 05:19 PM 09-25-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
I am legally unlicensed so can only have 6. The problem being I have only two right now. With neighbor kids I have five. I am going to say no. Maybe I will be nice once a week and allow them for an hour or so IF they follow the rules. I am going to have a talk with the DCKs tonight before we go outside. I really don't want to be mean, but I am not the town sitter either. My girls asked to go over there the other night and I had to say no. First off because the dad just got out of jail and they are not telling anyone why. He was there a month or so and is on probation or something now. The mom is in jail for 90 days supposedly because of tickets she didn't pay but who really knows. I guess I kind of feel sorry for the kids.
Even if im not full i tell other kids ( nieces and nephews from across the road) that i legally cannot have them over during childcare hours... Not just that but they just head on over whenever they want and will just go to the yard and play ( even though they have their own playground??) so that just pisses me off so i let them know nicely to go home. Mom doesnt even know they have come over because shes so busy cleaning her house ( must be nice) Sounds like your situation is harder and i totally get where your coming from and feeling sorry for those kids but it just sounds like a liability waiting to happen??
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Unregistered 04:38 AM 09-27-2015
Your first paragraph was completely unnecessary to answer your questions. As well as very uncomfortable to read. You really see yourself as better than these folks on assistance huh? Please, do NOT let these poor children come over, they WILL, sooner or later, pick up on your attitude.
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Play Care 05:51 AM 09-27-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
I am legally unlicensed so can only have 6. The problem being I have only two right now. With neighbor kids I have five. I am going to say no. Maybe I will be nice once a week and allow them for an hour or so IF they follow the rules. I am going to have a talk with the DCKs tonight before we go outside. I really don't want to be mean, but I am not the town sitter either. My girls asked to go over there the other night and I had to say no. First off because the dad just got out of jail and they are not telling anyone why. He was there a month or so and is on probation or something now. The mom is in jail for 90 days supposedly because of tickets she didn't pay but who really knows. I guess I kind of feel sorry for the kids.
I wouldn't allow them over at all. You have to keep it consistent because they won't know why it's okay one day and not okay the next.
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Josiegirl 06:03 AM 09-27-2015
Originally Posted by e.j.:
How sorry will you feel if one of them gets hurt and the parents turn around and sue you? I just wouldn't want that kind of liability, especially for a family that isn't even paying you to watch their kids. It's hard to turn a kid away but we're living in such a sue-happy society that I don't want to take any more risk than I already do being a child care provider.
In this day and age, THIS is how you have to think. 'Due to child care liability issues, I cannot allow non-enrolled children on my property'.
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Thriftylady 10:35 AM 09-27-2015
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Your first paragraph was completely unnecessary to answer your questions. As well as very uncomfortable to read. You really see yourself as better than these folks on assistance huh? Please, do NOT let these poor children come over, they WILL, sooner or later, pick up on your attitude.
No, I see myself as better than those who lie and cheat to get assistance. Lying about your expenses and how many families are living in a house to get extra assistance is illegal.
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Heidi 01:03 PM 09-27-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
No, I see myself as better than those who lie and cheat to get assistance. Lying about your expenses and how many families are living in a house to get extra assistance is illegal.


Many of us have been on some sort of assistance in our lives. I did not feel judged by your statement.
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Laurel 05:10 PM 09-27-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
Okay, I need some backstory which is going to make this long. My neighbor passes away a couple of years ago. She was on Soc. Security and got rent help, utility help all that. Her whole family would come show up for her to cook for them, or become homeless and show up and live there etc. This is a 3 bedroom one bath house. She passed and her two daughters who had moved in with her (one there to help her, the other was homeless after her divorce) they still live there. One, the one that was helping her mom got a job. She works at a hotel cleaning rooms for just over min. wage. Some weeks she gets lots of hours others not so much depends how many rooms to clean. The other sister still refuses to work, says she can't blah blah. They both end up with their kids and grandkids living there for months on end. One set was there nine months and a couple weeks after they moved out, in moved the other set and their three kids. Still getting rent help, utility help, both sisters have seperate food stamp cases because they say they don't share food (they do). Then when the kids and grandkids move in, they always have another food stamp case in the house since none of them work. So they all live off the system.

So here is where now I have an issue. Last year, the other set of kids wanted to come play here with my DCKs and I said no, they couldn't be here unless they were DCKS. This year the one girl from over there and my DCG get on the bus together her. So now that my girls are coming earlier in the evening when we are outside they want to come over. And so does the little boy in the class with my other DCG (siblings) from down the street. Well don't you know it the moochers from across the street are happy to say "sure go play with your friends" while never even looking out the door to check on their kids. So now I am the neighborhood babysitter while I have extra kids over here dragging out toys and not wanting to put them away, playing in the sandbox and pouring my sand on the ground etc. My DCKs want to play with their friends, but I am starting to feel used up.

If you are still reading God Bless You! But how do I deal with this given I am feeling used and abused here?
As others said, it is a big liability issue if they are over there on your work time. What if you are attending to one of them and one of your own dck's gets hurt or needs you? You could be accused of not meeting their needs. If the kids are school aged I'd talk directly to them. Explain that this is your job and that you know they'd like to come over and play but the only children that can be here are the ones who are enrolled in your daycare. Let them know it is nothing personal.

As far as feeling resentful because other people are getting government benefits under false pretenses, I totally agree.

Our family got food stamps some 25 years ago when we had 3 young children and my husband was out of work. But as soon as he found work, we could stop them. THAT is what they are for. Not for people to abuse. Good for you for reporting anyone that does this. I wish I had because I have known of some too.

Laurel
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KidGrind 07:23 PM 09-27-2015
I didn’t understand what their financial situation had to do with this story. Whether well off or poor, it’s not your responsibility to watch other’s children for free.

I would tell the kids and parents no. It’s not being mean.
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Blackcat31 07:02 AM 09-28-2015
Also not understanding what the neighbor's back story has to do with this.

If you are a business selling a service and the neighbors aren't buying that service, then why are they there?

Not wanting to be a meanie should also have nothing to do with it.

If you don't want to be the free neighborhood babysitter then don't be and send home any kids that aren't enrolled and paying to be in you care.
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Thriftylady 07:09 AM 09-28-2015
I guess to me the back story is just that I feel like they use and abuse things. I don't want to put myself in a place they do that to me I guess. But you are right BC, free services are free services.
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Blackcat31 08:06 AM 09-28-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
I guess to me the back story is just that I feel like they use and abuse things. I don't want to put myself in a place they do that to me I guess. But you are right BC, free services are free services.
Its hard to separate emotions from facts sometimes so I totally understand...but break it down to what the real issue is....

which is that you don't want to give services for free but feel that putting a stop to it might reflect on you (make you a meanie to the DCK's that do want them to come or to parents that hear their kids complain later about not being able to play with their neighborhood kids) but you cant have it both ways...

A) you either sell the service to anyone who wants to buy it but only allow those who paid for it to use it.

or

B) just give it away to everyone for free and keep everyone happy (except you )


Once you break it down, the choice seems simple in my eyes and hopefully in yours as well.
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Thriftylady 08:17 AM 09-28-2015
Well I guess when you put it that way, I just can't give free to anyone, because the whole neighborhood will want it and that will put me over ratio. And as others have stated the liability could sadly be an issue.
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Ariana 10:33 AM 09-28-2015
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
I guess to me the back story is just that I feel like they use and abuse things. I don't want to put myself in a place they do that to me I guess. But you are right BC, free services are free services.
I think you feel bad because you don't like the parents because they are abusing the system and you don't want them to abuse you. That was the main reason for the backstory. To show that they aren't nice people who need a break. I think you would probably feel fine about having kids over for free if the parents were nice, kind and needed a break. The problem is that you are a nice person and they aren't and unfortunately kids get mixed up into the picture. I know precisely how you feel. You want to be nice to the kids but you can't stand the parents and indirectly you are doing them a favor which ticks you off!

Basically you have to either pretend that the parents don't exist or try and "forgive" them for being idiots and be nice to the kids OR you need to do what is best for you. Having anger and resentment building up inside is not good. What situation would make you feel best? Having them over every Tuesday? Not at all? 30 minutes every day? Find a solution that feels good for you
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