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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Ever Excused Children From Your Care?
Unregistered 02:54 AM 09-25-2009
Have you ever had to let children go from your care and what was the reason?
I had taken in 2 school age children last May, just a few months ago....the boy is 8 and the girl is 12 with Bipolar. I thought I would be a perfect provider for them as my daughter has ADHD so I have experience with difficult kids.
Well it's been a bigger challange than I thought and day after day I don't know how I continue....the 2 kids will fight with each other and it can get bad at times....if the bipolar girl doesn't get her way things get ugly...she cries VERY loud and carries on and on and on. She frustrates the other daycare kids and my own kids. The boy has been good since school started but over the summer his anger was so intense.
I have bent over backwards for these 2 children trying to come up with stratigies to make their day, and mine, better. I just became registered 3 weeks ago so I made up my official contract and new prices and gave to the parents and they threw a stink about prices...which I kept lower than a lot of daycares in my area.
I want to let them go so bad because they stress me out, the parents stress me out, and at times their behavior is not worth my stress or money. I think my issue with not doing it is I feel like I "fail" as a provider...like I'm not doing something right...but on the other hand I know I have put up with a TON more than most would. I just battle back and forth "should I or shouldn't I".
So I was just wondering if others out there have let children go from their care and what was the reason...and how did you go about telling the parent?
I had taken in 2 school age children last May, just a few months ago....the boy is 8 and the girl is 12 with Bipolar. I thought I would be a perfect provider for them as my daughter has ADHD so I have experience with difficult kids.
Well it's been a bigger challange than I thought and day after day I don't know how I continue....the 2 kids will fight with each other and it can get bad at times....if the bipolar girl doesn't get her way things get ugly...she cries VERY loud and carries on and on and on. She frustrates the other daycare kids and my own kids. The boy has been good since school started but over the summer his anger was so intense.
I have bent over backwards for these 2 children trying to come up with stratigies to make their day, and mine, better. I just became registered 3 weeks ago so I made up my official contract and new prices and gave to the parents and they threw a stink about prices...which I kept lower than a lot of daycares in my area.
I want to let them go so bad because they stress me out, the parents stress me out, and at times their behavior is not worth my stress or money. I think my issue with not doing it is I feel like I "fail" as a provider...like I'm not doing something right...but on the other hand I know I have put up with a TON more than most would. I just battle back and forth "should I or shouldn't I".
So I was just wondering if others out there have let children go from their care and what was the reason...and how did you go about telling the parent?
Chickenhauler 01:28 PM 09-26-2009
We have not yet had to show any the door (but we have a family this rapidly reaching this point).
I told the wife if you dread the child(s) arrival time, can't wait for the parents to get there, and if they show up a few minutes early you find yourself uttering vulgar phrases under your breath, then it's time to show them the door.
I applaud your will to try, but when it comes to the point where it stresses you out, it's degrading your quality of life, and diminishing the quality of care you can provide for the other children in your home.
My mother did daycare for 25 years, and in that time, she had to let some go due to behavior problems-she wasn't going to allow one child or family's kids wreak havoc upon the other kids or her sanity.
By letting them go, you're not "failing", your succeeding in realizing that you're not a miracle worker.....and sadly, some parents don't do their part, and dump it all upon you (as with the family my wife is thinking about giving the boot to).
By keeping these kids, are you failing the other kids?
That's another question you have to ask yourself.
I told the wife if you dread the child(s) arrival time, can't wait for the parents to get there, and if they show up a few minutes early you find yourself uttering vulgar phrases under your breath, then it's time to show them the door.
I applaud your will to try, but when it comes to the point where it stresses you out, it's degrading your quality of life, and diminishing the quality of care you can provide for the other children in your home.
My mother did daycare for 25 years, and in that time, she had to let some go due to behavior problems-she wasn't going to allow one child or family's kids wreak havoc upon the other kids or her sanity.
By letting them go, you're not "failing", your succeeding in realizing that you're not a miracle worker.....and sadly, some parents don't do their part, and dump it all upon you (as with the family my wife is thinking about giving the boot to).
By keeping these kids, are you failing the other kids?
That's another question you have to ask yourself.
Unregistered 02:14 PM 09-26-2009
You have to not look at it as you failed but that it is no longer a good fit. You will be much happier (and so will the other children in your care) when they are no longer at your daycare. This may open a new door for the children you would be giving notice to...to find a place they can be happy at. (Not that giving the notice won't be hard but you'll get over it and everyone will move on) Good luck!
Unregistered 02:17 PM 09-26-2009
Sweetie, if you can afford it let them go. Chickenhauler said it so well. Are you letting YOURSELF, the other kids or your own kids down by continuing on?
I HAVE been in your situation with violent, bipolar kids who broke my belongings, were violent and out of control. I tried as hard as I could for them but ultimately I had to let them go. It wasn't good for anyone in my household.
I HAVE been in your situation with violent, bipolar kids who broke my belongings, were violent and out of control. I tried as hard as I could for them but ultimately I had to let them go. It wasn't good for anyone in my household.
[email protected] 05:39 PM 09-26-2009
I found this online several years ago, it may help....found it at childcare lounge. You are not failing,... you just arent the provider who has this child's key.
Saying good-bye Ideas
Termination Letter
I firmly believe with all my heart, that each child we encounter has this really neat little person "lurking" inside, just waiting to come out and play and interact with us. The catch, is that there are locks and keys involved. NOT EVERY PROVIDER HAS THE KEY TO EVERY CHILD. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all did? I believe we have to make an honest effort to explore the possibility that we may indeed have the key for a particular child. We also have to be able to face the reality that there are some children we don't have the key for , never did and never will. We have to be willing to let these children go and hope that somewhere down the line, and hoping that that line is very short for the child's sake, there is indeed someone with their key.
I think that this is an extremely polite and uncruel way to explain to a parent why their child can no longer participate in your program. It takes a lot of personal courage on our part to speak these things out loud. We want to be everything to everyone and frankly we can't.
This thing that we all do is not a "state secret". It is a living breathing entity, and it has to be nurtured and coached and coaxed along. We must share what works and what doesn't work. We must spread this thing we do around for our own sanity and for the sake of all the lives of the children we touch or will some day touch.
Saying good-bye Ideas
Termination Letter
I firmly believe with all my heart, that each child we encounter has this really neat little person "lurking" inside, just waiting to come out and play and interact with us. The catch, is that there are locks and keys involved. NOT EVERY PROVIDER HAS THE KEY TO EVERY CHILD. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all did? I believe we have to make an honest effort to explore the possibility that we may indeed have the key for a particular child. We also have to be able to face the reality that there are some children we don't have the key for , never did and never will. We have to be willing to let these children go and hope that somewhere down the line, and hoping that that line is very short for the child's sake, there is indeed someone with their key.
I think that this is an extremely polite and uncruel way to explain to a parent why their child can no longer participate in your program. It takes a lot of personal courage on our part to speak these things out loud. We want to be everything to everyone and frankly we can't.
This thing that we all do is not a "state secret". It is a living breathing entity, and it has to be nurtured and coached and coaxed along. We must share what works and what doesn't work. We must spread this thing we do around for our own sanity and for the sake of all the lives of the children we touch or will some day touch.
Unregistered 06:25 AM 09-27-2009
Thanks everyone for your replies..I appreciate it.
I'm the type of person that tries to please everyone and I have to get that backbone to relize I can't please everyone.
It's very nice to hear from others so I can say "you know what, I'm not the only one...I can speak my mind and not feel guilty". It's so hard to tell a parent you can't handle their kids....but I like Laundryduchess saying...I'm not the provider who has their key....it is so true!!
Thanks all...I'm sure the next major rough day I will be saying enough is enough...all my kids have been effected by these children
I'm the type of person that tries to please everyone and I have to get that backbone to relize I can't please everyone.
It's very nice to hear from others so I can say "you know what, I'm not the only one...I can speak my mind and not feel guilty". It's so hard to tell a parent you can't handle their kids....but I like Laundryduchess saying...I'm not the provider who has their key....it is so true!!
Thanks all...I'm sure the next major rough day I will be saying enough is enough...all my kids have been effected by these children
AmandasFCC 12:10 PM 09-27-2009
I had to let a child go. I'd only had him for 2 weeks, he was in a split custody arrangement and each week I'd had him was after he'd spent time with Dad who was .... I'll just say an "interesting" character. The boy was almost 5, constantly in people's faces picking fights and saying really inappropriate things. Nothing I did for him was good enough. None of the toys were any good because they weren't "violent" enough. He would talk about having watched Pink Floyd's "The Wall" with his dad, seeing people "all bloody", about how his dad took pills and was cool cuz he smoked. He'd say that sharing wasn't "muscular", he wasn't a nice guy because his dad wasn't nice, and he would scream at the top of his lungs "I DON'T WANT TO BE NICE, I'M NOT NICE ...." and so on. He would throw punches at the 2 year old I have in care, or corner him, or both, then bitch and moan about why the 2 year old would push him or hit him. The final straw was when he said to another little boy that he was going to kill the babies and me so he didn't have to come back. I decided there was no sense torturing this child in making him come to my daycare when he wasn't happy so I told Mom he was no longer welcome. Besides, I didn't want the other children influenced by him.
As for how I told the mom ... Well she and I had been discussing our mutual concerns for his behaviour when he came back from his dad's the first time so it didn't really come as a shock to her. I called her at work, said as politely as I could "We're having a BIG problem with your son", explained as calmy as I could what he said, and finished with "I'm sorry but he's not welcome back. I'd like you to come pick him up now."
It's not easy to admit that we can't be everything to everyone. But I really like that termination letter that laundryduchess posted. It's perfect - we really don't have the "key" to every child.
If I'm considering terminating someone, I ask these questions:
1) has there been any progress in the child since they started attending your daycare. Have their behaviours gotten any better or worse?
2) is the child happy?
3) are YOU happy having them?
I've considered terminating another one. I haven't done it and I probably won't, but I have really hard days with him, but overall I really do like him. I realize with him as he grows up his challenges are going to get better. Unfortunately in this case the daughter needs something different it looks like to me.
Good luck, it's a really brutal decision to make ...
As for how I told the mom ... Well she and I had been discussing our mutual concerns for his behaviour when he came back from his dad's the first time so it didn't really come as a shock to her. I called her at work, said as politely as I could "We're having a BIG problem with your son", explained as calmy as I could what he said, and finished with "I'm sorry but he's not welcome back. I'd like you to come pick him up now."
It's not easy to admit that we can't be everything to everyone. But I really like that termination letter that laundryduchess posted. It's perfect - we really don't have the "key" to every child.
If I'm considering terminating someone, I ask these questions:
1) has there been any progress in the child since they started attending your daycare. Have their behaviours gotten any better or worse?
2) is the child happy?
3) are YOU happy having them?
I've considered terminating another one. I haven't done it and I probably won't, but I have really hard days with him, but overall I really do like him. I realize with him as he grows up his challenges are going to get better. Unfortunately in this case the daughter needs something different it looks like to me.
Good luck, it's a really brutal decision to make ...