I am having trouble sorting through a situation, and would like some help seeing things clearly.

One of my best friends is also a DCM. She and DCD are now divorced (since Dec). I really hadn't been paying attention as to whose bank account the checks were coming from, and this morning I found out that she is the only one paying for childcare (part of the divorce decree).

On the level of being her friend, this really irritates me and definitely makes me respect DCD a lot less.

My personal feelings aside, since DCM is the one paying for all fees she should be my primary contact person for DCG and all scheduling, contact info, etc. ? If only one parent is paying the fees - do they automatically become the one who is the decision maker ? Up until this point, I had been speaking to whomever was with that day (they have 50/50 custody).

I feel like she should, but I don't know if that's a little vindictive on my part ?

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If they have 50/50 custody continue doing what you were doing.

My children's Dad pays for my son's JROTC things. I would be deeply offended if I was kept "out of the loop" because I wasn't the one paying for that specific thing. In fact, that wouldn't go over well at all. You don't know what DCD does pay for.

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I agree with that.

I think the reason I am questioning whether or not I am feeling vindictive, is because I do know what DCD pays for. DCM is one of my closest friends, and DCD is refusing to help with daycare and private school tuition next year because he "can't afford it", but he is wining and dining his new girlfriend nearly every night and buying some toys for himself. The only reason I know this, is because she checks them in on FB every time they do anything. (yes, that kind of obnoxious person). I guess it just irritates me that I know his refusal to help financially, is hurting my friend. See where I am having trouble separating....

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That really is terrible, but you do have to separate.

If you want to do anything, perhaps you can give her a "gift certificate" that takes off 25% of the tuition for 1 week or something.

No sense in being angry. It won't change DCD's attitude about financially supporting his children and you don't want his attitude (due to you suddenly changing your demeanor) to come back and cause stress for your friend.

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I think that 50/50 custody means 50/50 with the daycare things as well. DCD is someone that you see and have a rapport with right? So you should put the DCP hat on, even though your being a good friend for caring. There's always 3 sides to the truth (hers, his, and the truth!) and it's not the DCP job to try to discern between it all.

side note: maybe he found a "sugar mama" and the new gf is taking care of him. lol!

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Oh lord, if you all could see this. It is better than reality TV. No way is she a sugar mama. It is just too bad to be real, but it is.

I just wasn't sure how everyone else handled it. I know I have seen other providers (I believe it is Blackcat), who pick a contact person when dealing with divorced parents - and they deal specifically with that parent to avoid confusion . I have only dealt with two other sets of divorced parents in 10 years. And all were divorced before coming to the daycare, so I didn't know if picking one person was the right thing to do - or what everyone else does ? And considering that she is paying, I thought it should be her.

Up until this point, I had been involving both of them and will continue to do so in matters of DCG.

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Legally speaking, child support and legal custody are completely separate. This is not your battle to pick, if they have 50/50 custody, they can both make these decisions. Doesn't matter where the money is coming from.

The system is not fair in this way, but that is how it is. Unless the mother has asked you to only deal with her, I wouldn't even go there. The best thing you can do as a friend is help these two stay on nice speaking terms. I'm speaking from experience on this one!

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I disagree. Stay out of their personal business, it has nothing to do with you.

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As far as the daycare goes, I am attempting to stay out of their personal business. But when DCM is a close friend, it is very hard to turn off that part of your brain and forget what you know when operating the daycare. Me, the daycare provider is trying to stay out of their personal business- me, the friend, can't stay out of their personal business.

That's why I asked you ladies for your input, since I felt like I was letting my personal feeling interfere, and wanted clarification.

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IF the dcd is paying child support, then that is still considered as contributing to child care costs. IF both names are on your contract then you are obligated to both parents to communicate with each.

I wouldn't let their personal business affect your business. I would assume his name is on contract as well. It shouldn't matter which parent you are receiving the check from.

This is an area where personal and business has got to be separated or there could end up being hard feelings come from dcm as well...you know, like when your adult married daughter comes crying to you about their relationship with their husband, you become offensive towards the husband, they make up and everything you said about husband is now a thorn between you and daughter...and can lead to no contact with your daughter. Not worth it.

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No child support is being paid, but DCD is on the contract. I will keep doing what I was doing. I had hears posters in the past say that they picked a parent to be thee contact person with divorced parents, and I have never had to deal with this in almost 10 years, so we just weren't sure how to handle it. Thanks for your help.

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Depending on your state- as long as there is no legal documentation that says that she has full custody and that he cannot have contact with the child at daycare (like drop offs or visits during the day) and as long as DCD is not a threat to anyone on the child care property (like other DCKs or the provider/teachers and provider's family) there is really nothing you could do.

You could always just make sure that you give most of the DC information to mom (if she is the one who always picks up the kids and pays) and she could choose to let him know or not- but that would be up to her. And in cases of emergencies you could always try to call her first before calling the dad but unless she takes his name off the ECL and has a court issues legal document you will have to call him if you cannot reach her.

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If they have a divorce decree, there is definitely an order for child support.

When I was going through mine I said I wanted NO support. Judge said no judge would grant a divorce with that stipulation unless dad was willing to sign over his rights. Literally sent us out in the middle of the hearing to figure out a financial agreement. Came back with $50 a month and he LAUGHED. Whipped out his calculator and ordered he at least pay the state required minimum based on his income (even fathers with no.income are given an ordered minimum). Child care expenses are included in that final number. Everything is.

Whether I choose to collect that ordered child support is my business, but there's no way she went through the legal divorce process and that wasn't nailed down.

In the divorce decree will also outline custody. If they share legal custody he has a right to talk to you and discuss all aspects of her care. If they share physical custody he has a right to pick her up and drop her off as well. That wouldn't be up for debate, he'd be entitled to that access according to the law.

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just because he does not pay for childcare does not mean he does not pay for childcare. I assume she gets child support. Often the childcare is figured into that amount. It all depends on what they agreed on. It could be she did not ask for child support AND paid childcare.

It is for the childs benefit that BOTH parents are involved in her life and have accurate information on her progress.

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It's beside the point, but he does not pay any child support. And not in a deadbeat dad way, he wasn't ordered to pay any.

I would never hold information about a child's progress, I meant a contact person for paperwork/forms/ schedule changes/ etc. not info about the child.

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Oh and just for everyones info, it was actually DCM who would have been paying child support to DCD. Her income iS higher. She chose to pay 100% of childcare, rather than pay him child support. I am not disagreeing with that decision/mandate. But I just wanted to know if things chane once payments are only coming from one parent.

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Just because one parent makes more money doesn't mean the other has to pay them a thing.

Child support is about covering the expenses of the kiddo. Are you thinking of alimony?


I'm telling you, there is no way a judge would grant their divorce without child custody and support nailed down.


Perhaps you can email about the contact information though? Just ask if it's ok if mom is the primary contact.

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You have to think about this differently. It may differ state to state, however in MN, $ and parent having contact/ability to make decisions about childs care/etc are two separate things. A father could be ordered to pay support and not be paying it, and he would still have a say in the legal custody (making decisions about the child regarding schooling, medical, etc). Do they have 50/50 physical custody and joint LEGAL custody?

I tend to communicate with mother's more than father's in general, as mom's usually want more details etc. I will usually call mom if child is sick, etc. That being said, unless there is an order against giving dad info, I would not withhold information from him.

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I did the same thing when I got my divorce...told the attorney I did not want ANYTHING from him in the line of child support. I was told support MUST be ordered. It was set at 20.00 per month...and he STILL did not pay it.

OP stated that there was no child support being paid, not that it wasn't ordered though. So in that case, being a friend of mine, I'd have a hard time dealing with a cop out dad myself, but we still have to abide by the laws. He is still the dad even if he's being a jerk and not supporting his child, and he still has rights unless and until a court says otherwise.
In the divorce decree will also outline custody. If they share legal custody he has a right to talk to you and discuss all aspects of her care. If they share physical custody he has a right to pick her up and drop her off as well. That wouldn't be up for debate, he'd be entitled to that access according to the law.

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Guess I lied...didn't read down to this post. YES...there has to be an order for child support. IT's the law, not anybody else's discretion...not the judge, mother, father etc. That sounds kind of fishy to me....

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Can I ask, WHAT it is that you thought would or should change?

NOT being rude/disrespectful....just curious as it seems there is obviously some personal feelings effecting this situation, which I completely understand since this DCM is your friend but in all honesty....why not just do what is in the best interest of the child (no matter how you or DCM feel about the dad) and communicate openly and freely with BOTH parents.

I know this DCD might not be an ideal ex but again in all honesty......like Judge Judy says...."She (DCM) picked him" so she needs to deal with whatever she has going on in regards to him.

Even if DCD pays NOTHING...as long as he retains 50/50 custody and has a viable relationship with his child, I would continue communicating with BOTH parents about EVERYTHING that effects the DCG.

It truly IS what is best for the child.

Even if only one parent pays for the care. In the end, the child has no idea who pays for what. ALL she knows is that she has two parents, both of which love her and support her (albeit in two different ways) in everything she does.



*On a side note, I feel for you and 100% understand as this mom is your BFF but again, in these situations it IS absolutely vital that you remain non-biased and professional with BOTH parents of this child as long as she is enrolled in your care.

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I have a DCG where DCM & DCD have 50/50 custody, neither pays any child support. They were married, but divorced after DCG was born. I think they have a bit of a strange agreement but for them it works. DCD pays medical insurance (DCG is on his plan at work, DCM's work didn't offer coverage), but not child support. Since DCG is here ONLY on "DCDs time" he is fully responsible, just as DCM is fully responsible for the preschool that DCG attends on "her time." However the decree states (I have a copy)that anything she attends across both parent's scheduled times, they are both equally responsible for payment and supplies. So if DCG was here full time DCD and DCM would be jointly/equally responsible since she is here on both their days.

I have DCPs that have separate bank accounts (both a married and not married set), I don't give DCD (one who's bank account the check comes from) more decision making power because they are BOTH on the contract.

IMO is really just comes down to your contract, if they are both on it, and there is no decree saying DCD no longer shares custody, then you should inform both of important things and have each parent sign/read paperwork. As for schedule I would definitely check with each of them because DCM can't dictate what DCD will be doing on his days.

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I knew I was seeing it slanted, so to try and make every effort to look at it fairly I tried to put it in the perspective of "if they were new clients with this arrangement, what would I do".

If I had new clients who were divorced, and split 50/50 custody, but one parent was solely responsible for payments, would I just contract with that DCP ? And therefore As a business transaction, the one with financial responsibility and whom I am contracted with, would need to sign all paperwork, right ?


I had every intention of sharing information/notices/daily reports etc. with DCD - anything that pertains to DCG's well being. Up until this point I have just been collecting signatures from whichever parent has her on the days she comes to daycare.



Blackcat, I always appreciate your input and questions - no offense taken. I guess I was thinking of paperwork that requires signatures, schedule changes (DCG is p/t), permission slips, notices, food program renewal forms, and specifically contracts. And, also I guess when it comes time to renew policies/contracts in August would I just contract with DCM ?

I have dealt with a total of 2 divorced DCP in the past 10 years. One set was already divorced and split DC costs according to a court mandated percentage, and the other divorced while children were in care - but DCD wasn't around anymore. So I just have no idea if I am supposed to handle things differently.

Up until this point DCM and DCD have been on superb terms, but with things getting icky, I just thought maybe I should have my ducks in a row ?!?

I thought I remembered that you said when dealing with divorced parents that you had one parent that you chose to be your go to person, with whom you give all paperwork, etc. Forgive me, if that wasn't you. So I was thinking along those lines...

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Sounds like you already found your solution but I wanted to add that I do believe that it depends on your area and state. I'm in CA and I have a friend that's divorced and there is no custody order or child support order. They discussed this with their attorney's and mediator and that's what they got. Each just wanted a clean break and left to decide for themselves who and how often their son stayed with who.

On that note however I wouldn't recommend that but that's another story. I just wanted to say that iy cab be possible depending on where you live. That being said I personally would never withhold acces, information or updates to any parent unless I had a court document saying otherwise (custody order etc). I could care less who the primary custodian of the child was, in CA both parents legally have access to their child, their child records (school, medical, daycare files etc) pretty much whenever they want unless they have something in writing saying that they don't.

In CA even an unmarried couple can have a separation without a legal custody order and o would have to let either parent pick up, drop off, visit and review the child's file. If one parent cones to daycare and kidnaps the child and there is no custorder even the police won't interfere, the kid is with a parent. At that point the other parent has to go to court and file and fight for custody while the other parent can withhold visits until they have a custody order.

I always inform my clients and even potential clients of this to make sure that unless I have a copy of a custody order in the child's file, I can't and won't deny a parent contact at daycare. The order has to specifically say that the parent can't have contact with the child or have the custody schedule (and the parent can only pick up when it says to). Just more tidbits for thought.

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Legally unless they have a court order saying otherwise, they both share physical and legal custody of the child regardless of who is on your contract. Your contract is just for you to use in court if they should skip on payment. In other words, whoever is on the contract can be sued for unpaid fees. It doesn't really mean that you can keep one parent away from the child if only one name is on the contract.

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Thank you for saying that, because I am fairly certain that my area is operating like yours. DCM has great legal advice, and am fairly certain of the details I do know.

I would never ever withhold information about the child from the DCD, he is a great dad and a nice guy, and I would never hold any information from him. I don't think I emphasized that enough. I just wanted to know if I should switch to using Dcm for all signed forms & documents - basically all "official" papers. I would continue to include him in all communication about DCG, and would never cut him out of that.

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Blandino~ ok so after re-reading this thread... I get what you're asking... I misunderstood.

You are asking which parent you should have a FINANCIAL contract with right?

I was thinking contracting, like sharing paperwork, information and whatnot.... (There are some days I just scan over posts and dont read clearly)

So anyways to answer your original question, yes I would have only one contract for payment arrangements and have only that parent deal with the financial aspect of care.

Like MV said, the contract only protects you should you have to sue someone for an unpaid balance.

Obviously, if DCD is sharing custody, I would still have him sign agreeing to abide by all other (except payment) policies.

Everything else seems to be a non-issue since you have already been sharing all other aspects with both parents.

Sorry to have made this even more complicated...

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that must depend on the state.. i said i did not want child support in my divorce and it was not ordered.. I made an agreement with him at the time because i knew i could ALWAYS go back and get it ordered..which i DID a year later when he TRIED me..

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