Sorry but this is a long one...

I had an interview with a potential client on Thursday of last week. I hold all of my first time interviews outside of daycare hours for security reasons. Dcm shows up at 5:15pm and we were not done the interview until 7:00pm. I was completely mentally drained when this dcm left. Typically a 5:15pm interview will run until 6:00pm max, this is actually the first time ever that a family has kept me for almost 2 hours for an interview. I liked the dcm and her parenting style. She is a no bull**** mom and kept her son in line the whole time he was in my home. She is also a huge fan of cio. What I didn't like was some of the questions she asked and the remarks she made. I seriously felt that I was being interviewed for a job and it was extremely mentally exhausting. She also gave me the impression that she was going to be my boss. One of her comments especially stood out in mind for a long time after she left;

"I was going to interview another daycare and the lady told me she will not use pacifiers in her home after the age of 14 months. I thought to myself who's way it is here? Yours or mine?"

At the time that she made this comment I didn't say much. But I should have! I do not use pacifiers in my home past the age of 12 months (with the exception of nap time if need be). I think they are absolutely disgusting and totally unnecessary. I had my own son weaned from his pacifier by the age of 7 months. Her remark also threw up a huge red flag (I thought to myself who's way it is here? Yours or mine?) In MY home it is MY way!

One of the questions she asked me is who would be inside my home during daycare hours.

I responded with well that depends. My husband is typically at work during daycare hours but if he has the day off or is sick he would be here. My mom often stops by from time to time to tell me something or pick something up. I also have 3 younger brothers (ages 21, 18 and 12) that stop in from time to time. The 18 year old and 12 year old live out of town with my dad so if they stop in they typically spend a couple days at my home. She responds, "this would be during the week?" Um ya lady this could potentially be during the week, these are my little brothers. Good grief!:roll eyes: I can understand that this may make her nervous but this is a home daycare setting and I'm not going to turn my family away from my home.

She then asks me if I were to get any work done on my home if it would be during or after daycare hours.

I responded with well I just had my whole basement re-renovated and that was all done during daycare hours, so I guess that would answer that question.

Later on in the interview she said the reason that she is so uncomfortable about anyone else being inside the daycare during daycare hours is because she heard of a story where a daycare provider's 16 year old son was malesting (sp?) daycare kids. Although I can understand her side of this, I also have a 7 year old boy who is going to 16 years old in 9 years and to be honest if anyone told me they were uncomfortable for that reason the interview would be over.

Needless to say the lady called me back and wants my space. She also wants to do a second in home interview during daycare hours so she can see how her son interacts with the other children in my care. Although she is planning on handing over the deposit and paper work before this time.

I feel that I need to lay the cards out straight right now if I'm going to take this lady on. Make it clear that this is my business, that I am the boss of that business and she is the client. What do I do?

Thanks.

Reply

I can't type one word because we need to write more than that to post. But the word is

R U N


In all the years I have done day care, it NEVER works out with the parents who think of you as their employee. Never. They will never accept that YOU decide on the rules about payment, what they can and can't bring to day care etc....her pacifier remark showed SHE expects to set the rules.

Either call her, or wait for her call, and word your conversation to get a point across...

"I am done interviewing applicants for the place in my day care. It was difficult to decide which child I wanted to accept! I only have the one spot available and I just wanted to inform you I have filled the spot and will be unable to accept your child at this time. Thank you for your enquiry."

Take the wind out of her sails. Your home. Your decision. Maybe, just maybe she'll realize that she's not interviewing a nanny.

Reply

I have to agree with Meeko.

Reply

Move onto to someone else. You already know who she is as a mom and that her style does not fit with your care. Even if you try and "lay down the law", she will probably tell you want you want to hear in order to get her child started and then push things little by little as she can. I recognize your name and if I remember right, you have had a lot of drama and stress lately with the daycare. Do yourself a favor and keep interviewing. She laid her cards out on the table so to speak so you know what you are getting if you sign her up. Yes people can adjust and make things work but you cannot change who she is as a person. She sounds very strict with her child, very bossy and demanding of others and lastly, inconsiderate of your time. She has already taken 2 hours for one interview (mine are less than 30 minutes at this point), she wants another interview, she says she wants to watch her kid interact but that is parent speak for her wanting to watch you and see what other kids are at the daycare.

Reply

I SO agree with MEEKO... RUN! I've had these kind of moms before too. It NEVER worked out. I kept one like that for a few months and it made my life hell. She ended up moving and that was the best day of my life. Those types of moms will never let up and let you be in control. Run girl! Run

Reply

I agree also that I shouldn't take this lady on. Unfortunately when she called I did say my space was still available and that she could take the space if wanted. I am really mad at myself over this as I need to learn to think things through before making my decisions. So how do I turn her down now? She has not handed in any paper work or the deposit so I am not legally committed to this lady but I feel bad saying yes yesterday and then no today? Any advice?

Reply

Call her asap and tell her something has come up and you cannot take on her child. Apologize for the short notice, and don't feel too bad. You don't really have to give her a reason, just tell her something has changed (YOUR MIND haha) and you cannot take her child. If she is mad, oh well, you won't have to deal with her.

Reply

I had this lady a while back. But she went home to think about it. I filled the spot as soon as she left. Another parent called while she was here and wanted to come by. I gave the spot to her because she was normal. Thank you Lord. The lady called back in a few hours and said she would like the spot. I told her I was very sorry but someone had already taken it. The lady was so mad. She is a preacher too so I was a little worried about how God would feel but actually God worked it all out for me. The preacher lady called back 3 times to tell me how upset she was with me for not giving her the spot. Geez
I knew right then I had done the right thing.
LISTEN to you gut. If something feels wrong, it is.
You don't wanna get stuck for years with a thorne in your side. Jst say NO.

Reply

You have nothing to loose if you call her and tell her the truth. You can say no off the top or you can tell her your issues and see if she is willing to back off. You could land yourself a parent who respects you from day one because you let her know you are the boss.

Reply

This is what I was thinking, too. If after talking things over with her you decide it might work, maybe agree on a trial period so that you have an easy out if you need it.

Reply

I agree with Nan and e.j. too. I had a dcf come with HUGE warnings from a fellow provider. Mom was condescending, rude, rolled her eyes at you, had HORRID children who were never held responsible for anything. Basically, a nightmare of a dcf.

I took them anyways because although the mom showed ALL her colors at the interview, I was able to tell her up front that I would NOT tolerate eye rolling, condescending attitudes and that I ran my program as I saw best.

I have had the family for almost 9 years now. (4 kids). BEST family I have ever had. I think since I was able to level with her from the beginning she knew exactly where I stood and we were able to form and maintain a very good relationship. Her kids are good, she has supported me in many issues. She is also the ONLY dcm I have who gives me a gift or cash bonus for pretty much every holiday, special event and birthday.

I think you should take this opportunity to be honest and start there. I mean isn't an open, supportive and honest relationship with a daycare family every providers ideal client?

Reply

I have a similiar story.

About eight years or so ago a friend of mine who did child care for 25 years told me about this friend she had down the street who was doing child care. She told me over a few weeks about all these problems the friend was having with this new family. The interesting part of the story was that the baby's grandma kept showing up unnanounced and finding really weird reasons to come over. The gma was there during the interview and kept stopping by. The provider was getting pissed because the gma would say stuff like "oh I know he needs an extra onesie" so I stopped by.

Well the provider finally tells the Mom that gma can't keep coming over. The Mom was adopted and was a PRECIOUS child to this gma. The first grandbaby was all she ever wanted in life. The Mom made her first "big girl" decision to pick this provider and the gma just didn't like the provider. The Mom thought the gma was being a drama queen and was just upset because the daughter had finally cut the apron strings and made her OWN decision.

So after the provider tells the Mom to tell the Gma to bug off the Mom decides to start looking for child care. I get a call from a lady looking for newborn care and when the Mom shows up for the interview there is a grandma with her. Now we lived on opposite sides of town but I just KNEW this was the same Mom and Gma. When I found out the kids name I was nearly 100 percent sure because it was an odd name.

So I interviewed the family and I really liked the Mom and Gma. I "thought" it was the same family so I made sure in my interview that I told them that I don't allow ANY third party intervention. All contact with parents only and NO drop ins for the grands. If they couldn't do it then I wouldn't take the kid.

As soon as they left I called my friend.. she called her friend... and we all figured out it was the same family. I ended up taking them because I was really upfront from the begining how it was going to be. Either they sink or swim but it was worth a shot.

They hire me and within a week my friend tells me her provider friend had to call 911 on a kid in her house. Long story short the provider slammed a baby up against a wall and fractured its skull. At that point I had to tell the Mom what I knew. She ended up contacting the dhs and they asked her to please take her kid to the doctor. The doc orders a CAT scan and the kid was fine.

The grandma was RIGHT. She knew something wasn't right and was just scared for the baby. I worked for them for four years and never had a single problem with them. They were excellent parents and the gma never bothered me once. The grands were very well off and were very generous to me and my son. My son's birthday is a few days before the grandbaby's and two years in a row we had joint bday parties at Chuckie Cheese and the grandparents sprang for the whole thing. They were an amazing family.

You have to be upfront with what you want and expect and set clear boundaries. It's easier to say "no" before they start.

Reply

Yep. I agree with Meeko, too. I have 2 teenage sons. If anyone told me they did not want them in my home during daycare hours, they would be shown the door (even if I was desperate for kids). She sounds like she will expect to make all the rules and that you will follow them. And...when are you supposed to have work done on your home??? In the middle of the night. I think this lady would drive you crazy! I agree with Meeko..R U N!

Reply

Definitely don't take her because you feel bad. I would just call immediately and tell her that, after further consideration, you do not feel that you are a good fit for her family. Don't let her waste anymore of your time or energy.

Reply

I've had this happen before too... Where I said I had a space and then after the tour I was like OMG... how do I tell her I don't want her? I'm sure its best to be honest with her and tell her why... but I could never do that. When I had this same situation happen, I called the mom and said that I was SO sorry but one of my current daycare children who was going to be leaving my daycare due to a move (or whatever) which was going to be the space that I had open, is going to stay after all! So now my spot is gone again! I'm SO sorry and hope you find another daycare you like. It works!

Reply

Why couldn't you be honest? Why would you make something up to avoid the truth? That doesn't make any sense to me. Sure, it may be the easiest thing to do but most providers here vent over frustrating relationships with parents and issues with mis-commuication so why make it worse?

Why not just be honest if you don't want to enroll the family. No one said you have to say, "Gee lady, you sound like a major PITA and I don't think I could deal with you so no way." There doesn't have to be any rudeness involved.

You could simply say as a pp mentioned that you don't feel she would be a good fit for your program. If she wants further explaination, I would say that she has some expectations I am not comfortable with or that I am unable or unwilling to do/accommodate.

I have been reading and posting on this forum for a while now and one of the things vented most often about is high needs clients or parents who are not doing as we expect (following rules and policies etc) or parents who have completely different expectations for us and vice versa so I am having the hardest time with this thread...why not take this opportunity to either decline services to parent WITH an honest reason why so she herself can have a reality check for her unrealistic expectations or take the opportunity to see if she COULD be a client that you could work with if you put your expectations right up front and let her know from the get go that you will do X,Y and Z and you expect A,B and C from her.

Seems like a easy solution either way.

Reply

I took the time to think and read through all of the advice given here and I decided to offer the dcm one final opportunity. I sent her an email yesterday morning stating my procedures for a few things:

1. I told her I could meet with her Monday morning at 10:30am but that she would be LIMITED to 30 minutes due to lunch and stuff. I told her I do not typically have parents inside of the daycare during daycare hours as it becomes extremely disruptive but because she wanted the second interview I would make the exception for this ONE time. (I wanted to put emphasis on this because although I understood why she would want to have an interview in the daycare with the children present, I didn't want her to feel that meant she could come in and sit with her child whenever she wanted in the future. I also didn't want her to try take advantage of my time again and stay for 2 hours.) I also told her to keep in mind that the children may not act as they would if it were just me here and that she may not get a good picture of how her child was going to interact with the other children when she is gone. (I was very torn with the whole mom and son "visiting" daycare as I don't allow parents to sit with their children in my daycare. But when this mom had first called for an interview she told me she wanted to be able to come when the other children were here to see how I interacted with the children. I had told her at that time that I would not do it on a first time interview for security reasons but if everything went well we could set up another interview time where she could come when the children were in my care. It just turns out that the dcm made an attempt to commit to the space prior to the second interview.)

2. I told her I wanted to confirm her first full day would be Monday April 2nd. I told her when she arrived in the morning to please be sure to bring all the supplies listed on my supply list for her son. I told her that if she is dropping off her son at 7:30am (we are still working out her contracted hours) to please make sure she doesn't knock on my side door before that time as I never open my daycare door to the public before 7:30am. (This has been a huge issue for me in the past so I wanted to make it clear from the beginning.) I told her I greet all families in my side porch area and if she has any information to tell me at that time to please do so quickly as often there is someone else waiting for their turn to come in. I told her once she tells me all she needs to tell me that we will then do the hand over of her son and then I ask that she leaves quickly, that this gives her son less time to put up a fuss when she leaves.

3. I also brought up the pacifier issue. I told her I am not a big fan of pacifiers past the age of 12 months and especially in a group daycare setting. I told her that if I have a child that was recently weaned from a pacifier and another child has one in their mouth often times one child will try to take it from the other child. I also told her that I do not have the extra time to be sanitizing pacifiers properly every time a child takes it out and it falls on the floor. I told her I typically begin weaning children from their pacifiers on the first day they start care with me. I will give a child their pacifier for nap time if I feel it's necessary to help a child fall asleep, but I do like to limit it to this time only. I also told her she is welcome to make her own decision on whether her child uses a pacifier in her home or not.

My intentions when sending the email was to see how dcm would react. Whether she would agree to follow these procedures, show hesitation, or try to take her own stand on what she wanted. I felt since I had Saturday and Sunday to make my final decision on whether or not to take this family that I would try to make productive use of this time and do some "thinking" and "strategizing" before I said something one way or the other this time, as that was my initial mistake on Friday, NOT THINKING THINGS THROUGH. I had told dcm that I would contact her via email on Saturday to set a time to meet with me on Monday, so I felt this was the prime time to act on my part.

I have not received a response email from the dcm yet. At this time I am not 100% sure what to do. I am thinking if I don't get any response at all by 2:00pm that I will send dcm a second email telling her that I am no longer able to provide care for her family.

Any advice to the above?

Thanks.

Reply

If/when you get a response, that should tell you alot about how it would be to watch her child; whether she is going to respect your rules or try to call the shots. All I can suggest is stick to your policies and make sure you are happy with the situation (both of which I am sure you already know ). Good luck!

Reply

I just don't like to hurt their feelings by being completely honest with the reasons. Because if I was being honest, I'd have to say "I don't want your child in my daycare because you came off like a total b**** and your kid is a brat ~ so beat it!". It was always easier for me to just say that the spot was not open anymore. Good for you for being so honest with everyone. This was just an easier method for me. And this is JUST my opinion.

Reply

So here it is Sunday at 5:30pm and I still have not got an response back from my email, which also means I still do not know if dcm would want to come at 10:30am tomorrow morning or not. Another huge RED FLAG! I have made the decision to not enrol this family in my care. Next time I am listening to my gut feeling right from the get go instead of dealing with the unneeded stress for 3 days like I just did! Lesson learned. Be glad when I have learned them all and don't have to walk down these paths anymore ha ha ha Oh well...a new day tomorrow!

Reply

I would send one email tonight letting her know that the second interview has been cancelled since you did not hear back from. She will not be allowed to come Monday morning."Thank you for considering my daycare and good luck in your daycare search" and then if she comes to the door, let her know that you communicated several times through email with no response and the second interview was cancelled. Dont let her in.

Reply

OH, I meant no disrespect. I was just wondering that's all... I completely understand your reasoning though.

I know it is hard to be honest. I was just blessed with no filter between my brain and my mouth and I get away with it by calling it honesty.

My sister is much like you and would rather say a nice lie than be hurtful or mean. So I do understand.

I think you did the right thing. You tried. You laid it all out there and this mom is now the one who is acting badly so go with your decision to not enroll.

The high needs expectations from her were fixable with good communication.

The disrespectful behavior (not responding) can't be fixed so too bad for her.

She lost a great opportunity to sign on with a good provider....her loss....

Oh and I agree with Cheer, send the next e-mail canceling your second interview and to let her know there is no longer any space available for her.

Reply

The lesson here is that you don't have to spend three days fretting over whether or not a potential client is going to comply to your policies and understand that you are your own boss. You have to OWN that it will be like that so you don't have to spend a minute worrying about what the person is going to go with the program. They either get it or they don't get in.

Just because she didn't respond doesn't mean she is shunning you or your words. It may be that she isn't used to THINKING about child care relationships this way and she is trying to settle in with the new thought process.

I always believe in going with your gut but what I'm saying is that you need to go to the next level and be comfortable telling potential clients how it will be if they are going to bring their child to your home and don't be afraid of how they like it or don't like it. It may take this lady ten providers for her to get it that she wants the tail wagging the dog. Your job may be to just be one of the ten. Just think of it as paying it forward to the provider who eventually gets this client tamed.

Reply

I agree... You should totally do this if you have not already. Then if she shows up tomorrow, you can say "didn't you check your email?" lol

She may have already read your email and she doesn't like that you are taking control. Which means she would have been a total butthead to work with. Good for you for doing whats right for You!

Reply

Did you ever hear a response back from DCM?

Reply

It is Monday morning at 7:45am and I still have not heard back from this Dcm. I am quite shocked as I did tell dcm that I would email her on Saturday.

I suspect that dcm didn't like the first email that I sent her on Saturday and that I will not hear back from dcm at all. But, if something shows up I will keep you all updated.

Reply

I hope you at least hear from her, it's so annoying when dcp aren't even polite enough to say "No thank you"!

Reply

Sooooo, did she just show up?

Reply

I would call her, rather then text or email. Call her up and nicely but bluntly tell her that is not going to work out, or I emailed you- Did you get it? What do you think? If she starts to run at the mouth- cut the strings right then.

I like what Nan said about giving someone the chance- some of my best parents and families and esp the kiddo's have been from the anal interview. I think a lot of parents, read these magazines and articles that tell them What to ask at interviews? They don't have experience with dealing with daycare- Always stick up for your home and your rules....

Best- How did this turn out?

Reply

All it takes for you to tell someone 1 time that they are not the right fit and you get the hang of it.

I have had to do it many times. AND I usually just tell them from the start. I am looking for the right fit. There are many things that I take into consideration when deciding which family to choose for the current spot, I will get back to you when I make my decision.

This always works out great for me.

then if I decide not to take them and they call me back to ask what my decision is, I will tell them sorry, another family seemed to be a much better fit, however, should I have another opening in the future, I would love to add you to my waiting list.

I have only had one person get upset at me, but why do I care if they are upset, not my problem....

Reply

This plus there are a LOT of under-qualified "providers" out there and many that seem to be speaking a different language.
"Educational" = Nick Jr.
"Nutritious" = canned fruit to go along with the Rice Krispy treats and vanilla wafers
"Just one besides my own" = just one besides my own, and the one I'm already watching, and my three nephews that live two doors down...

Except for the part where she said "I thought to myself who's way it is here? Yours or mine?" (which is inexcusable) when I read your post I was thinking "this lady has been burned." They're the kinds of questions you ask when you've just gone on an interview and the provider's felon brother was going to be coming over and they planned to have a jackhammer going in the kitchen during nap time every day.

Reply

This exactly! I had a mom come for an interview and eventough she seemed nice I just had "a feeling" it wasn't going to work. I told her that although she had a wonderful family it just wasn't a good fit. I was very nice, genuine and honest. She didn't even bother to reply!! I'm glad I trusted my instincts

Reply