Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions after Terming for Behavior

Pestle · #1 08-23-2019, 09:18 AM

I have termed a 4yo and have one more week with him. Throughout each day, I'm alternating between "Why did I term? We're going to be fine, and all it took was a can-do attitude from myself," and "It'd take three adults and a secure holding facility to get through the day with this child without a significant disaster."

I'm trying to sift through the behaviors and my failed strategies so I'll be better-equipped to help myself, my group, and the next child who has these challenges. When you term a child for behavioral challenges, do you also have self-doubt? What changes do you make afterward?

I've been asking myself:
1. "Is this a child who's simply aged out of my program?"

2. "Have I failed to keep the program on schedule, with enough challenge and variety to keep this child engaged and growing?"

3. "Is this a child who needs to burn a lot more energy than my current program allows him to?"

4. "Is this a child with unusual emotional, psychological, or developmental needs that I don't have the resources to meet?"

What other questions do you ask yourself?

In this case, I'm fairly certain #1 is not the culprit, since this child has lagging social, emotional, and motor skills, and I'm watching the younger kids and his same-age friends pass him while he gradually makes improvements. I've had kids older than him spend months in my program and seem challenged and responsive to what I do. Being around older kids to imitate will be good for him once he moves on, but we're having issues fighting against structure, resisting challenging learning material, and taunting/being aggressive toward my 6yo. So it doesn't seem to me that he's simply ready for a big-kid environment.

#2 is partly to blame, and that's partly my fault. This is a child who compulsively disrupts others' activities and has recently started openly defying or sabotaging everything the grown-up in the room says or does. That has worn me down, and I'm spending too much time sitting while the kids free-play. I've had only spotty success--maybe 1 out of 5 or 6 attempts--at getting the kids to come participate in art, reading, circle time, games, stories, etc., because this child lures the others away and coaches them to yell "NO!" at me.

So I'm sitting on my butt a lot, trying not to create power struggles that he'll win, but definitely showing that he's won. He's been picked up early a lot of days so that we can go outside or eat a meal or have naptime. At pickup, the defiance and sabotage turns on his parent--running away, going limp, knocking shoes out of the sibling's hands, etc. and chanting "NO! NO! NO! NO!"

For these reasons, point #3 is certainly true, but it's largely beyond my control. I try to get him engaged in gross motor skill activities and songs/dances/stories to keep him moving, and he sometimes participates but most often yells "NO! I DON'T WANT TO!" when invited to join. I've temporarily given up playing in the yard because I have an infant and can't monitor both the infant and this child, who sprints as far away as possible, especially when it's time to go back inside. He also chases the other kids and knocks their toys from their hands or throws toys at them. (He does not stay where put and thrashes, screams, and damages the environment when separated from the group, so time out has failed as a strategy.) We've substituted going for walks, and I put the other walkers on a ribbon and push the stroller. He goes partway, then starts screaming that he's tired and goes limp or tries to bolt.

Anyway, point #4 is certainly true, but it's given me a lot of food for thought about how to stay energized and appear enthused and engaged all the time, and how to have the day-to-day flexibility to care for an infant and also present age-appropriate challenges to an older child who needs a lot of supervision. In this case, my answer is "It can't be done," but I hope this helps me discipline myself so my program improves immediately and permanently once we get through this week.

Also, I gotta stop self-medicating with chocolate pudding. My gut has finally bulged out past my bust.

Cat Herder · #2 08-23-2019, 09:23 AM

I really don't internalize it at all. I ask one question: "Does this child negatively effect the majority of the other kids, the majority of the time?"

If the answer is yes, then I am doing the right thing for the other kids who deserve to enjoy their days. Public school comes soon enough where they are forced to endure situations like that. Early childhood should be a peaceful and safe time. They won't get a second chance at that.

Ariana · #3 08-23-2019, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat Herder

I really don't internalize it at all. I ask one question: "Does this child negatively effect the majority of the other kids, the majority of the time?"

If the answer is yes, then I am doing the right thing for the other kids who deserve to enjoy their days. Public school comes soon enough where they are forced to endure situations like that. Early childhood should be a peaceful and safe time. They won't get a second chance at that.

This is how I feel too. Other kids rights to feel safe comes before one child's right to make things unsafe. If I am not capable of making a significant positive change for some reason (cannot control parental interaction, cannot control neurological issues etc) then I have to do what is right for the group. I always feel SUPER confident in my decision to term and always have a huge sigh of relief once they are gone. I can handle a lot and I know this about myself. I am not terming because a kid had one tantrum.

Annalee · #4 08-23-2019, 11:50 AM

Every time I have termed, I immediately felt "RELIEF" because it is usually something I took many steps to avoid and I finally reach that point where it is TIME TO GO.

Mom2Two · #5 08-27-2019, 12:34 PM

I'll always try to fixit or work with the bad behavior if I can, but I remember reading about your experiences with this kid, and really, this is a case for the school district. Imo the best thing you can do for this family is to srongly push them towards assessment and a position in the SPED program for behavior.

My "one question" that I have for myself is, "Is this situation working or not working?"

If it's just not working: if I can't keep licensing rules, if a client is hurting others, if they are hurting my business and ability to stay afloat, if they are hurting my family...then it's just. not. working.

I put a ton of effort in to trying to get things to work, but there comes a point where it's. just. not. working. Often it's my family that makes the call. If a client is voted off the island by my family, they are gone.