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Old 03-12-2020, 02:35 PM
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Default Do You Make Kids Say Sorry?

Dcg slapped a child in the face. I saw it happen and asked her to apologize. She refused. I had her go sit for a min, tried again, still refused. This happened several times (sitting and trying again) until she finally gave in and apologized. I kept explaining to her that we have to apologize when we do something wrong.

After the first or second time, it seemed like it wasn't worth it, but I had gone too far to just let her not do what she was asked. Why do kids have such a hard time saying sorry? Is it something that shouldn't be forced? What are your thoughts?
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Old 03-12-2020, 05:34 PM
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I encourage it as a lesson in manners but I won’t die on that hill. Being remorseful requires perspective thinking (understanding some one else’s feelings) and perspective thinking skills aren’t very well developed until after age 5.

I focus more on making better choices verses saying “I’m sorry”

At age 4ish my son hit a daycare child he had some sort of argument/issue with. I tried to make him say he was sorry.

He strongly resisted and said “Mom, I know it wasn’t nice to hit him but I was mad. I’ll make a better choice next time”. That changed my view on ‘making’ a kid say the words “I’m sorry”

Even I say “don’t tell me show me”

So while I think apologizing is nice and respectful I don’t think it’s something you should absolutely require kwim?
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Old 03-13-2020, 03:40 AM
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Yes I do. Not so much because I'm concerned the child is actually remorseful. Although that's part of it I'm also wanting the child to understand that making amends for something you did wrong is important. Not that I expect a child to completely get why there saying it but that it's a building block to the concept.

To me it's like teaching please/ thank you. But then again I used to teach Sir/ Ma'am till I got lit up by a DCM who said I was teaching "sexism". So it could be I'm just out of touch.
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Old 03-13-2020, 07:15 AM
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No, I don’t make them apologize. They go to time out for bad behavior and will return to time out for continued bad behavior.

I’ve found that some kids only learn to say “sorry” to escape time out. Then they go right back to the same behavior thinking a “sorry” will work again.

Forcing them to say “sorry” when they don’t mean it only teaches them to lie.
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Old 03-13-2020, 01:36 PM
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After removing the offender from the situation I tell the kids to "find a way to make it better". That may be an apology, a hug, rebuilding the block tower they knocked down, offering a toy, etc.
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Old 03-13-2020, 03:58 PM
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My own daughter (now 23) would not say 'sorry' as a child. She was a kind, gentle girl and would not, no matter how much my husband and I talked with her. She understood that she SHOULD say it, but just wouldn't.

So I don't force it. We discuss being kind to one another and I try to encourage the offender to do something kind for the person they offended.
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Old 03-14-2020, 09:04 AM
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no cause I have a little girl who was forced all her life to say sorry now she thinks she can bully other kids then say " Im so sorry, Ill be good" and get away with it. I told her "sorry dont cut it when your hurting kids on purpose. Sat her in time out. we sat down and talked about how "sorry" is not awlays ok. I have taken her over to the child and said "Oh no X is crying! It hurt him when you shoved him over! Can you help him feel better? What can we do to help him?" I feel like having the child make a gesture is better than a forced sorry
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Old 03-14-2020, 09:12 AM
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I don’t just make them say sorry because they don’t really know what that means. I encourage them to be kind to each other and to try and see how their actions might make other feel. If Johnny goes into the block area and knocks over Tommy’s tower and Tommy starts to cry I will have a little talk with Johnny and ask him how he might feel if someone knocked over his tower. Of course he will say sad or mad and then I will explain that that is how Tommy is feeling now and what can we do to make Tommy feel happy. A hug? Helping him rebuild the tower? An apology? I don’t make them just go and say I’m sorry because I don’t think it is effective.
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Old 03-14-2020, 09:30 AM
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Suggested dialog for 3 & up (younger kids a quick I'm sorry works better):

Kid #1: "I'm sorry for ______"

Kids #2: "I forgive you, please don't do that again" (i started using this when I saw most of the kids defaulted to : "its ok" - because..
its not "ok")

I don't force it, I do the words for them if they refuse, and we move on to the next thing. I find eventually most kiddo's get on board if its modeled consistently.
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Old 03-14-2020, 04:11 PM
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We have the children sit in timeout and then they have to apologize to the child they hurt
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