Good grief...I'm going to pull out my hair soon!

DCG #1 (19months): She has been with me for 6 months. She has been nothing but a hassle. She's started hitting/slapping the other kids. It's gotten worse over the last few weeks, and now she does it with toys. This morning, she lifted a toy laptop over her head and brought it down over DCG#2's head. At first, I was taking her hand when she hit, and showing her "gentle touches". I'm loosing patience, and now she looses whatever toy she hit with, and she's being moved away from the other kids to the other side of the room. She just sits there and screams at me. I pay her no attention, and finally she gives up and finds something else to play with. I admit I lost my temper after the laptop incident, and yelled NO at her a few times.

DCG#2 (also 19months): She has been here 4 months, and she took a long time to adjust. I get the feeling she doesn't really like/trust me. She doesn't like for me to touch her, doesn't get any comfort from me when she's upset, she just pushes me away. She just seems so unhappy the majority of the time. She cried for at least half the morning about one thing or the other this morning. Crying for mommy, daddy, and home. I feel so bad for her. But again, I lost my temper at nap time when she was screaming at me for not letting her touch her poopy bum. It was close to nap time, so I just put her in her bed without doing the whole naptime routine and she just screamed at me. I was just so done with her at that point.

Any advice for either of these situations? Tips? Especially with the hitting, am I doing the right thing?

I'm going to talk to DCM#1 tonight about the hitting because it's getting out of control. Should I also talk to DCM#2 and tell her that her daughter just doesn't seem happy? I'm 99.99% sure I'm closing in the fall when both my kids will finally be in school full days, so I don't want to term because I would feel dishonest to take someone else on, knowing I'm closing so soon.

Thanks so much!

ps...long time "unregistered" user, first time poster under my new username. Thanks for helping!

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What does that have to do with only children?

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I don't these behaviors are necessarily due to being only children. Toddlers test all limits with hitting, kicking, biting,...

I have a now 17 month old (with siblings) that tested everyday for weeks. I would put him with the whole group to start out with. The first time he tried to hit or kick, he was removed from the group. (I knew that he understood that he was not supposed to hit or kick, as he would stare right at me while doing it just to see if I was watching.) I would put him in an area that he had supervision and access to toys but no access to other children. He hated being isolated from them, but I had to keep them safe. After a few weeks of doing that, he has been doing much better.

Some kids are not happy in group care. I look at it as, it is my job to keep them safe, fed, and changed. Their happiness is up to them. I know that sounds harsh, I guess I am just old and jaded. I have (too many) toys, activities, music, art supplies, one on one attention ... plenty of things for them to do to stay happy. If they choose to be upset and cry, I can't really control that. If your unhappy one is causing you stress with her crying, I would try to get rid of her. Make sure the parents know how unhappy she is and see if they have any ideas. That way if you do term, it is not a shock to them.

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Are they your only two in care? I think you should still continue to show gentle touching but after you remove her from the situation. She needs to know "stop! That hurts!" And "this is how we touch our friends" using a doll not the other dcg. I would separate for a little while by having her near you or in another area, saying "when we hit friends we can't play with them right now". While she is separated, I would give her only one toy. Dcg2 may just need to learn to trust you more. If you feel that she doesn't you are prob right but that's her not you kwim? Maybe try playing games or puzzles or babies together where she is interacting with you but doesn't have to be touched by you. If dcg1 is having issues and dcg2 overhears and sees everything that is happening between you and dcg1, she may be a little anxious that you will treat her the same way, even tho dcg1 needs to be somewhat disciplined. Dcg2 would not understand the difference yet and just needs to realize that you and she will have your own way of being together. I always feel bad when a child is so untrusting. But you can still comfort w words of sympathy etc. It is a hard age, as time out doesn't work
I feel separation when needed and redirection constantly is what dcg1 needs. Good luck!

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lol, sorry, I meant to address that in the body, but got sidetracked. Both of these children are onlys, as well as a former DCG that I had similar issues with. My others are all younger siblings and are all much easier going.

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I'm the opposite. I absolute do not like sibling groups

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"I was just so done with her at that point."

" I'm loosing patience"

"I lost my temper "



Your statements concern me. Maybe its time to term them for their own well being. You sound super stressed. From my perspective it sounds like normal toddler behavior.

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Thanks all. I'll try not to let DCG2's unhappiness bother me too much. I do my best to make her happy, and all my other DCks are, so I don't think it's an issue with me, so much as her disposition I guess?

As for #1, I'll keep separating when she's shows aggression. I know she knows what she is doing because she looks at me as she is raising her arm, and as soon as she sees I'm watching, she lowers it again. Should I talk to her mom?

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I also agree with this. There have been three past children here (one was a screamer and the other two were brothers who were aggressive and hurting each other) who brought me to my boiling point on a daily basis. Now I know that if any child consistently gets me upset enough to want to yell or makes me need to walk away before I snap then it's probably past the point of working out.

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My favorite kids are kids that have older siblings BUT the siblings aren't here at my house. The moms are WAY more relaxed and the kids are not so crabby about being touched and about the activity of the group. Honestly, almost all of my only children have gone thru long phases where they dont want other kids to touch them and they are really territorial over toys and space. That said, I would shadow the hitter and intervene each time. I don't have a problem with removing toys and separating kids. that said, everything that she is dong is normal for kids that age. I would not say anything to either mom unless there is something specific you want from the mom or you are getting ready to term. In my experience, parents rarely take any sort of feedback well at all. They either will just term or they will think you cant do your job. So you just have to figure out if you can hang in there till fall or if you want to let these kids go. The first thing I would try is adjusting naps. I am finding more and more kids that are sleep deprived and also, more toddlers needing that second nap till 2 years old. If you are seeing a lot of crankiness, I would suggest a morning nap for one or both kids.

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I would speak to her mom for a couple of reasons. 1. To assess her level of support of your concern. 2.to make her aware in case of future termination 3. I would discuss your plan of action with her and ask her to do the same at home. Even if she is an only child, she may be showing this behavior w cousins friends and pets at home.

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Only talk to mom if you have specific plans you need her support on. Be careful you aren't coming at her with just complaints because that is not productive to solving the issue. She can't be there and do your job for you (not that you are asking her to!) so any discussion needs to have a purpose and needs to be done when you are calm and ready to remain profession. If you appear frazzled, that is going to worry parents.

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I'm sorry, but if putting a dck in her pnp when it's close to nap time anyway is the worst thing I'm doing, you have no cause to be concerned. I'm venting. I guess you missed the part where I also mentioned how badly I feel for one of the kids, and the whole post in general where I'm asking for help to try to address the issues that may be normal behavior, but that I would also like to try to fix.

I find it quite insulting that you are insinuating that their well being is in jeopardy. I wrote only about the parts I needed help with. Not about the rest of the morning where we played tickle games, where I had all 4 of them singing at the top of their lungs together, or when we all sat in a pile and read book after book together.

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Don't take the criticism others are giving you too personally. All we know about you is what you wrote.

You could be a fantastic, patient daycare provider venting on a forum because you had a rough morning (as I'm sure you are and did). OR you could be an extremely stressed daycare provider venting on the forum because you're at the breaking point. We don't know!!!

You can just clarify the situation, and you'll get advice that's more relevant to what you're asking. Not that I think the advice given was bad, but just that you were looking for something different.

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I realize this isn't really the point but I have to say our son is an only child and has NEVER hit anyone. Not at pre-school, not whenever he was with a sitter, never. As a child care provider for over ten years I have cared for plenty of only children and have never had any more trouble with them than any other child. I think you are barking up the wrong tree when it comes to placing blame. The behaviors you referred to, while not desirable are developmentally normal. I've seen the same behaviors from kids from a range of family/sibling situations.

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You're right, of course, just a bad day for criticism I guess. The advice that I got was great, and I thank everyone. It sounds like I should just keep on keeping on, with a few tweeks (sp??) thrown in, and I'll keep reminding myself that this is normal toddler behavior.

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Me too. There seems to be added conflict from the sibling relationship.

Most of my DCK are first and only children.

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The older ones aren't in my care (except occasionally during school breaks). They are all SA. I use to do BA for a set of siblings, and I agree with one. One of them was fine, but put them together and they use to feed off each other!

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I cannot provide care for siblings when there is a 3 year difference or more. Mommy’s little helper is provider’s huge liability. It’s hard to the get the older siblings to stop picking them up.

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I have not had time to read all of the responses BUT just wanted to add my 2cents. I take a little bit of offense at the only child statement. I am an only child but I also know plenty of others who are very nice individuals. Not having siblings does not make you a brat, the way you are parented determines that! Also at 19mos I think most kids are still only children (if they are the oldest!)

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As a mom of an only child I say hooray to this. And I was thinking the same thing about kids the age OP mentioned still being only/first children if they don't have older siblings.

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Sounds like typical toddler behavior, however, the second child that does not seem happy in your care...and you feeling frustrated. I would terminate care and replace, regardless if you are closing in the Fall or not.

This is a business first and foremost. If one child is making your days crazy and you are dreading it, then don't hesitate to terminate and replace. And don't feel bad if you do replace and end of closing your daycare. You need to think of yourself and your business first. Do you honestly thing for a nanosecond that clients think of our "feelings" or "needs" if they have to pull their children out of our care for whatever reason (moving, loss of job, maternity leave, etc.)

Go with your gut. Good luck.

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I'm sorry you're having a rough day.

I think, like the others, that this is typical 19 month behavior. I have 2 of them in my care and had 3 last year who turned 2. It was not fun, it was like constant fighting and whining with my DS and a DCB who was 2mos younger, also he wasn't an only child and had a sibling 2.5yrs older. It was just constant!! I started to really get frustrated and angry, but then the DCB left and things calmed down TREMENDOUSLY!! Taking that one problem child out of the equation made a world of difference. I filled the spot after a few hairy months and it's been smooth sailing. My 2.5yr old is the trouble-maker now and he's the youngest of 6 so it's not an "only child" issue! LOL

It's hard to let someone go but when you're miserable and unhappy and losing your temper you need to step back and reevaluate your plan. Is losing your sanity worth the income? Especially if you could find a better fit?

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I'm sorry that I offended you both, that was not my intent. Of course I don't think that all only children are brats. I was being facetious, as I would never think to, nor want to 'ban' only children from my care. In my very limited experience, all of my onlys have been handfuls. It's probably just a coincidence, and I apologize.

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I'm sorry your having a bad day.
On a different note.....
I'd like to happily Welcome you to the forum.

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Thanks deliberateliterate! I appreciate that! Handfuls come in all ages - for me right now it's the 2yos!

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Hope you have a better day today! We had a great day yesterday, and now today I have a houseful of chaos! Little stinkers!
I have had a few that I just could not deal with. They caused undue stress daily (to me and the other kids) and I just couldn't take it. After I tried all of my strategies and didn't get anywhere, I had to term. Don't feel bad if it comes to that!

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