Is it out of line to feed my own child dinner when a family has no consistent schedule and often picks up at or after my own child's dinner time?

I have one family still at daycare when my son needs to be fed. Sometimes they pick up at 4, 4:30, 5 and sometimes right at 5:30. There is little logic to when they are picking up at what time and even though I have repeatedly bothered them about it they still can't get their stuff figured out and tell me WHEN they will be picking up. Basically, my son is two and eats at 5:30 everyday. Sometimes we are leaving to go to my husbands softball or swimming lessons or other evening events THE MINUTE the last family picks up. Needless to say my son needs to eat BEFORE we go so I will occassionally (1x per week or so) feed him dinner while the other kids are still here.

Last night the mom picking up invited herself to the table and offered her own kids the food my son was eating. We had somewhere to be right after pick up and I didnt have time to feed her kids or clean up after them.

Is it wrong to tell a dck they will eat with their own family when they get home while my son is eating? especially since this family has an up and down schedule? I already feed this family breakfast lunch and snack.

Reply

I do this sometimes to except I will have my husband feed my own kids in the house and I will have the dcks outside or something so they can't see.

Reply

We do this. We have an upstairs playroom and anyone still here at dinnertime plays in the playroom while the family eats. They are well within ear shot. I can't schedule my whole life around the DC families without losing my sanity. All of the parents know I do not serve their kids dinner nor would I let a DCM come in and try to help themselves. If it is just one younger kid, I just put them at the table in a booster while we eat. Sometimes they don't care and just hang out, sometimes they get a sippy just to feel that they have something too.

Reply

Well if it is this family only I wouldn't worry honey. It's clear that they don't know the meaning of the word rude.

I would go about my business and feed my child if you have somewhere to go afterwards.

I work in the Center and we have children that are there for morning care and then go off to Kindergarten in the afternoon. They have to eat early because that's the only time these kids can eat before school.

The others learn that their lunch time is later. Nobody is going hungry. I don't feel it's wrong to let the DC kids know that they will be eating dinner with their Mommy later. Maybe offer them a snack of raw veggies.

But... #1 is to set up a pick up time with the parents.

Reply

Uhm, no, it's not wrong. It's sad for the child, though.

Is the number of meals/snacks and the pickup time solidified in the contract?

If so, you should be charging late fees and meal fees to cover the additional time, work and supplies this child is costing.

I'd also talk to the mom about helping herself to the food on the dinner table. I think sometimes the home environment makes the parents lose their minds and forget that we have a business arrangement, first and foremost. She's got to understand that pickup time is whatever you have decided it will be, and anything after that costs extra.

If you want to be nice, you can offer to extend the pickup time at night and include an additional meal (dinner) every day so the child doesn't feel left out. All at premium cost, of course.

I give parents a 15 minute cushion so long as they contact me. Anything after that is a dollar/minute.

They get here on time.

Reply

I tell dck's that they will have supper with their parents. Then I tell them my kids didn't get to have a snack at snack time and they are hungry.
I have a family that has picked up as early as 2:30 (wondering why their infant is sleeping) and as late as 5:00. No call, no notice. I keep telling them to let me know when they are coming. I've gotten into the habit of asking "So what time will pick-up be today?"
To help themselves to your food is SO RUDE!!! I would've said Ï'm sorry, I only made enough for MY family.

Reply

It sounds like the problem is their schedule, not your dinner!! I personally would not be ok with the ups and downs. I guess if ou are ok with it, and they are too, then it should not be a big deal? I gotta know when people are leaving. I have it in my handbook that I don't charge late fees- I just won't continue to work with people that are late. I would not like my job if I had to deal with that all the time! I stayed open later once for a family in transition (moving oot) and decided I would not do that again- my family time is too important. If they don't need 7:00-5:00 I am not the provider for them. Keep us posted!

Reply

I find it rude that the family invited themselves to your dinner! How did you handle thaty if you needed to leave??~

I don;t think it is rude though to have to eat without them. I have two school-age boys & this time of year we have a baseball game or practice almost every single evening. In most cases my boys have to be at their warm-up prior to the game by 5:15 (game is at 5:45) & some evenings the DC family I watch does not pick up until 5:30. So yes we all eat prior to the games out of necessity. Otherwise we'd come home at 7:30 & eat dinner & that is too late IMO. We do feed the kids a snack while we eat dinner.

Reply

I don't think it's rude at all.

I think it's kind of rude of the mom to assume you made enough dinner for three kids instead of one kid. I'll bet she still went home and made them a nice dinner in addition to your dinner.

If you wanted, you could make those kids a piece of butter bread "to hold them over til dinner" while your son eats his dinner.

But, that is only if you really want to... otherwise, YOUR child needs to eat, so you have to feed him before you leave. If the parents of these kids don't want them to see your son eat his dinner, they need to get there earlier so they can go home and feed their own kids. It's your job to feed them two meals and a snack, not supply them with their entire day's nutrition.

Reply

If a kid is here past five they eat here. I don't even give the option for them NOT to eat here. We eat lunch early and have a snack at threeish. If the kid is here past five they need food.

With a schedule like that I would just assume they were going to be here as late as they can be every day and plan to feed them if it was past five.

I can easily feed my kid without the kids knowing it but I can't allow a kid to be hungry in front of me no matter what. (not saying you are doing that .. just saying) At my house the kids are hungry by five. They need a MEAL by that time. So... if they are here they eat whatever we are having for supper. If I have a kid that's normally picked up early... here accidently past five then I will give them my supper and just have a sandwich.

I've never had a parent complain. If they eat "first supper" here then it gives Mom a chance to take it easy to get the family supper ready.

Reply

Nan, I figured out really quickly that I want the same thing. The lunchtime visits for breastfeeding that turned in to playtime visits or quick walks were so distracting with my last client...derails the whole day. 1 dropoff/pickup per day is going into the contract from now on.

How do you word it, and do parents feel like you are preventing them access to their child?

Reply

We eat dinner here at 6pm. Any child here will sit down and eat with us. If the parent arrives they are welcome to sit and visit while the child finishes or they can/do wrap the plate with plastic wrap and finish at home. Usually they let them finish so they don't have to hurry home and fix them food. I have had parents call ahead and ask that they not eat with us because of a special dinner or whatever. They are counted in my meal count if they are here so I get paid for them to eat if they are 1 second past 6pm.

Reply

I consider myself the substitute mommy of the children I care for and I would never feed my own children and not my daycare children. In my opinion, that would be cruel. When I have a straggler, which I often do, I set an extra place setting and feed them - just as I do my own children.

Reply

I don't have a way to word it. I just explain it in the interview process. If the parent or child needs more than one arrival and one departure per day they just don't pick me.

I would NEVER deny access to a parent. When they come when their kid is in the house they take the child with them. They don't come back until the next day of day care.

I do make exceptions for specialty medical appointments. Regular doc appointments are either before day care or after day care.

Reply

I don't have a way to word it. I just explain it in the interview process. If the parent or child needs more than one arrival and one departure per day they just don't pick me.

I would NEVER deny access to a parent. When they come when their kid is in the house they take the child with them. They don't come back until the next day of day care.

I do make exceptions for specialty medical appointments. Regular doc appointments are either before day care or after day care.

I've read about providers having parents coming in and visiting in the morning... coming during the day and breast feeding and visiting... staying after care and hanging out.... dropping in unnanounced and hanging out with the daycare kids.... the kids doing really well with the adults coming in and out and the provider really enjoying it and wanting it. I'm just not one of those people.

If a parent wants that they just don't pick me. If they find they want it after they have been here for a while they find different care.

I like low traffic, reasonably quick arrivals and departures, and little to no chaos. That's what works in my setting.

Reply

Whatever child was still here at dinner time got fed, unless they didn't want to eat. In that case, I would offer them a piece of fruit or a carrot.

I would never let a hungry child sit and watch others eat. Just me.

Reply

I have 1 daycare kid here until 6:30 every day and so he eats every dinner with us. Years ago when I 1st opened I closed at 5:00. If a child was here I fed him unless the Mom was on the way that minute. If she was on the way I held dinner so as not to have us eating in front of the child. I would never eat ion front of a hungry child.

What that Mom did was rude in my opinion! Who invites themselves to a family's dinner? Just nuts!

Reply

Not saying what the mom did was right, because it was RUDE! But maybe she was trying to tell you in her own way that she thinks you eating in front of her kids is rude?

I have had kids that stayed later and if I had dinner I would usually offer them some, or something.

If you cannot afford to feed this kid, I would tell her that you will feed her child if they are here past a certain time and a fee of x amount will be applied towards her bill. If she says don't feed the kid then, tell her you feel it isn't right to eat in front of them and that you cannot hold of dinner time because of your limited time frame.

Reply

I set my business hours to my family schedule. Dinner for us is at 6, so that is when I close. On the occassion one is here later they eat with my whole family. I have had a couple to just stay overnight (no charge) with me before due to family emergencies with a sibling/hosptalizations, etc.

I was once the hungry kid watching my afternoon sitters family eating dinner while I sat on the couch glancing out the window for my mom. She was in a minor car accident, was taken to the ER to clear her for work (workers comp. req.) and it was past my bedtime before she arrived (8:15ish). I was STARVING hungry. It sucked and I still remember it clearly.

Now, if you have a special event and your child MUST eat before your business closes for the day maybe you could set up a high chair somewhere the other kids cannot see?? That would solve the issue to me.

Reply

I'm sorry, but that was totally unreasonable for a provider to do. I cannot imagine letting a child go hungry while others are being fed. Use whatever excuses you want, but I find it unacceptable. I've kept many kids overnight through the years because of a family emergency or a couple of times because I could tell the mom was at the end of her rope and needed a bit of a break. I go to bed at 9, any child here past that time gets put to bed, too. The parents can pick up the next day.

Reply

No worries...my mom handled it.

It was the early 70's and on a BINGO night. It is hard to explain the craziness that went with that in central Florida during that time.... Bingo, Jai-alai, and Grey Hound racing created an entire population of gambling addicts. I swear they foamed at the mouth around 6pm every Wednesday night. ugh.

But I digress... I agree she was a poor provider. The next one was amazing and a classic book collector.

Reply

Hmmm...I wouldn't sit down to a family meal, but I feed one of my kids here or there because of an activity pretty often. My dd has gymnastics and has to leave at 4pm, she doesn't get home until 8:30 pm. I feed her a light dinner before she leaves.

When one of the boys has basketball, I always feed them before they leave, or now that they are older tell them to go eat. Now, if a parent is late, late and we are going to have dinner, I will feed them if my family is sitting down to dinner. I just think it's different if one child is eating because they have to leave versus a family dinner. Make sense?

Reply

Thanks for the responses.

IMO I find it rude for a family to invite themselves in and expect to eat at my house without even considering my schedule. I also do not believe the kid was actually hungry as they had snack 1.5 hours prior and don't eat at the own house until well after 7 pm. He also did not even eat what the mom put on his plate but rather goofed around, made a mess and eventually left with mom. I believe if I start feeding this family they will intentionally show up at this time everyday just so they don't have to feed their own kids. I am not here to do everything for them 5 days a week so all they have to do it wake their kid up and put them back in bed 12 hours later.

I think I am going to do what works for my family and get tougher on making this family let me know when they will be picking up.

Reply

Good for you. By the way, it is REALLY rude to take your food and make a plate for her kid. Wouldn't it feel fabulous to send her a bill for extended day meals! You can bet she'd never do that again.

What part of Minneapolis are your from? I'm North of Maple Grove...

Reply

No doubt it was rude for her to invite herself and children to eat your food. I think making them have a more strict schedule would definitely help solve your problem. If you need to, tell her she needs to provide extra money for meals they have at your house past the schedule pick up time. I'd tell her flat out that you do not make enough dinner for her children and that you eat and such and such time and if you need to feed them, then she needs to provide money for it.

Reply

Oh, hun...that Mom would have been sent home with a box of her kids belongings if she tried that in my house. Don't think I missed that point... I think I would be looking for Ashton and his cameras if that ever happened.

I would most definitely give them a "set pick-up by" time and a late fee to be enforced consistently.

If they interfere with my family dinner too many times I just cut them loose. I do this job to be with my family, YKWIM?

Reply

Really???? I can't believe you would eat in-front of a child and not offer them food. What if they are hungry? I would never eat in-front of someone and not offer them anything, even if they are only two, it is just plain rude! I think if you are still working then you should be working and not eating. And if your family is eating and you don't want to feed a DCC that is fine but don't set them at the table to watch you eat.

Reply

ha!, I'm going to tell you what happens when you start feeding dinner. So a couple a months ago I asked this same question. the response I got back was that I should feed this girl that was here. Well, now we eat dinner at 5pm or 530pm and my own children are very hungry because they are longer at school and on the bus. The dad didn't want to pay extra for dinner so I'm not feeding her. She now plays in the other room if her dad is late. The kids that are here eat a snack at 4-430pm so I know they are not hungry.
What many of you (esp. unrgistered people) don't understand is that when I buy my groceries I buy it for my family which already consists of 6 people, and then to add extra children for dinner is crazy. I can't guess whether or not children are going to be here, thats why we have scheduals. Its called parents who are to lazy to make their own children dinner so lets pick them up late so they don't have to deal with them. Also, my dh does not want to eat with dck's every night, they are not his children so why should he.
I don't eat dinner till the kids leave, but I should not have to supply dinner for children who's parents can't get their butts in gear and pick them up on time. I can see if there was a problem (and my parents do call) I don't mind, but being lazy is another thing.
And you have to remember, I supply a breakfast, 2 snacks and a lunch, I am not on a food program (there is no such thing in ontario) so everything comes out of my own pocket. Sometimes you need to put your own chidren first, don't worry the dck's will survive

Reply

Maybe I missed something, but I don't think the original poster said the child was starving. It has been my experience that I can feed a child a good meal, and 1 hour later the child will say they are hungry. I too would never let a child go hungry...but seriously, why is a provider responsible to feed a child 3 meals a day. Because a parent does not pick up on time does not make me responsible for supper. It is not like most of us work a typical 8/9 hour day, my days are over 11 hours long. I would never let a child starve or be hungry, but then I doubt that many children in our care actually knows what it is to truly be "hungry" or "starving".

Reply

I agree. I could feed my kids both individual and daycare and 10 min later they would be begging for food if it was appealing enough. My husband and I have personally worked very hard to teach our own son that just because someone else is eating/drinking something doesn't mean you are ENTITLED to some of it. I think its rude when kids act like scavengars b/c nobody bothered to teach them that just b/c you see it doesn't mean you have to eat it.

Either way I am not budging on this. This family KNOWS my evening schedule and knows the days I walk out the door with them to go to ball or swimming etc. They also know its easier for me to feed their kids and clean up after them then having to do it on their own. If a child ever came to me and was complaining of being hungry prior to any food being prepped, served etc then I would feed them but eating simply b/c others are eating is not ok with me.

Reply

I completely agree with you. My children don't beg others for food, but I have dck's who do. This same girl started saying to me in the morning that she didn't have breakfast. She gets dropped off at 8am and I serve school agers at 730am. So I gave in one day when she told me that she had a fruit roll up, but then the next day and the next day it was the same thing. So I started asking the dad and he says that he gives her breakfast at home but she doesn't want to eat it but rather at my house. Um heck NO, not my problem you serve crap for breakfast, but I'm not serving her breakfast either. I know that as providers no child is starving so thats not the issue, the issue is "where do we draw the line between our families and their families"

Reply

I serve meals after my closing hours. Everyone should be gone when I close so it's not a problem. When my children were young, babies got fed on demand. And if my own children had to be somewhere before I closed and had to be fed first then they ate. I would put them in the kitchen away from the other children so the DC kids were not upset by it.
Parents who arrive late would be told, and reminded that our dinner hour is such and such and by being late they are delaying our own meals and activities. (We have a life too)

Reply

Thanks for the helpful information

Reply