Daycare.com Forum
Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Child Says "You Hurt Me"
Unregistered 08:13 PM 07-10-2013
One of my little boys who is 2 1/2 will say "you hurt me" if I have to physically move him to time out or something he doesn't want to do. For example he threw a toy (nearly missing another child) which is a big no no in our day care. I reminded him of the rule and told him to take a time out. He told me "NO!" and ran away. I went and grabbed his arm and walked him back to the time out spot. Literally...we walked together. No pulling or dragging...nothing like that. As he sits down he says "you hurt my arm". To avoid argument...there is NO WAY he was hurt. He only does this when he gets in trouble, and it's becoming more and more frequent. My concern is that he will go home and say he was hurt at day care when that is absolutely not the case. He's a very bright little boy. I think he may get out of stuff at home by saying this...I'm not sure. But I'm tossing the idea around about talking to mom. Would you?
nannyde 08:24 PM 07-10-2013
I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
Unregistered 08:37 PM 07-10-2013
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
Wow...very good!!! This is exactly what needs to happen!! Ha-ha!!! Love it!!! Thank you, thank you!! Guess what we will be saying a lot tomorrow!I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
nannyde 08:47 PM 07-10-2013
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Wow...very good!!! This is exactly what needs to happen!! Ha-ha!!! Love it!!! Thank you, thank you!! Guess what we will be saying a lot tomorrow!
It'll work. He knows it stops adults in their tracks and he gets loads of interaction when he says it. GAME ON. I'll see your "you hurt me" and raise you a "MIND ME"Wow...very good!!! This is exactly what needs to happen!! Ha-ha!!! Love it!!! Thank you, thank you!! Guess what we will be saying a lot tomorrow!
SilverSabre25 08:52 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.
Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."
EntropyControlSpecialist 10:14 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.
OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.
Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."
This is exactly what I would do and have done in the past with one child. It stopped quickly.That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.
OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.
Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."
Play Care 10:52 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.
Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."
OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.
Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."
This is exactly as I have handled this in the past, though if the child is old enough (4 1/2 +) I might also give a TO for the lying on top of the TO already earned. We don't do a lot of TO's here, but making up that they are hurt to get others in trouble is a big deal and would warrant some pretty steep consequences.
MizzCheryl 11:03 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.
OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.
Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."
NO WAY!That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.
OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.
Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."
Not mocking at all. Why do you think he says that? Think about it.
Your suggestion gives him even more power. Nannyde's suggestion takes the power out of his comments.
You think calling him a liar is less shameful than just making light of his comment?
I disagree.
You are suggesting to stand there and argue with a 3 yr old, no way.
Heidi 11:07 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by MizzCheryl:
NO WAY!
Not mocking at all. Why do you think he says that? Think about it.
Your suggestion gives him even more power. Nannyde's suggestion takes the power out of his comments.
You think calling him a liar is less shameful than just making light of his comment?
I disagree.
You are suggesting to stand there and argue with a 3 yr old, no way.
Wait! She isn't saying "you are a liar" she is saying "you are telling a lie". Not a word I usually throw around (it's one of those words I find harsh and avoid, but it's not wrong). I would say "fib" or "boy, you are really using your imagination on that". But, that's me and my aversion's of the word's problem. NO WAY!
Not mocking at all. Why do you think he says that? Think about it.
Your suggestion gives him even more power. Nannyde's suggestion takes the power out of his comments.
You think calling him a liar is less shameful than just making light of his comment?
I disagree.
You are suggesting to stand there and argue with a 3 yr old, no way.
I get what Nan was trying to say, and I know she's used a similar technique when kids say swear words (I've have learned that some things come across differently in writing). I think the part where the other kids chime in is across the line, though.
nannyde 11:22 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by Heidi:
Wait! She isn't saying "you are a liar" she is saying "you are telling a lie". Not a word I usually throw around (it's one of those words I find harsh and avoid, but it's not wrong). I would say "fib" or "boy, you are really using your imagination on that". But, that's me and my aversion's of the word's problem.
I get what Nan was trying to say, and I know she's used a similar technique when kids say swear words (I've have learned that some things come across differently in writing). I think the part where the other kids chime in is across the line, though.
It's a dilution method where you take the phrase and give it s nonsensical meaning.. then shorten down even furtherWait! She isn't saying "you are a liar" she is saying "you are telling a lie". Not a word I usually throw around (it's one of those words I find harsh and avoid, but it's not wrong). I would say "fib" or "boy, you are really using your imagination on that". But, that's me and my aversion's of the word's problem.
I get what Nan was trying to say, and I know she's used a similar technique when kids say swear words (I've have learned that some things come across differently in writing). I think the part where the other kids chime in is across the line, though.
I would call him "you hut me" then "u hermie" then hermie. He would be called Hermie till he went to kindy here. :-)
I've done this technique a ton of times and it works great. I'm in charge of nicknames in my little world and I'm brilliant at it.
I wouldn't spend a second correcting him when he accuses. Kids do what works and those are some pretty powerful words. I would release the power from those words and then... once cured... I would model hurt to him. I would not ever try to tell him to not say it. He's been to that rodeo and he loves loves loves the adult reaction. He would be thrown off kilter Iif we used the power for silly instead of the power he has gotten of getting the adult to DO him.
SilverSabre25 11:08 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by MizzCheryl:
NO WAY!
Not mocking at all. Why do you think he says that? Think about it.
Your suggestion gives him even more power. Nannyde's suggestion takes the power out of his comments.
You think calling him a liar is less shameful than just making light of his comment?
I disagree.
You are suggesting to stand there and argue with a 3 yr old, no way.
You think your way, I'll think mine, thank you. Yes I do think that name calling and calling him "youhurtme" is mocking. And egging on the other kids to call him that too is encouraging bullying. Sorry, not something I encourage here. And you don't call a three year old derogatory names. NO WAY!
Not mocking at all. Why do you think he says that? Think about it.
Your suggestion gives him even more power. Nannyde's suggestion takes the power out of his comments.
You think calling him a liar is less shameful than just making light of his comment?
I disagree.
You are suggesting to stand there and argue with a 3 yr old, no way.
I'm not saying stand there and argue with a 3 year old. Arguing with three year olds is about as useful as teaching a cat to cook dinner. I don't know where you got that idea, but you're reading something into my advice that I didn't put there.
makap 11:19 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by JenNJ:
I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.
He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.
I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?
I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.
He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.
I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.
OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.
Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."
Both of these are excellent!! I myself would not use the word lie as I don't like it, I would maybe say "that is a tall tale" or something like that, but otherwise, I think both of these answers are great! That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.
OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.
Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."
Brooksie 03:21 PM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.
OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.
Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."
Agree with this. DO NOT "beat him to the punch". That is not good advice. At all. Its very disrespectful and is only going to make things worse. Or it stands on the same plane as actually hurting him. It might actually make him stop faster, but its going to have much longer lasting negative affects on him socially and emotionally. Do the right thing. please.That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.
OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.
Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."
MissAnn 03:49 PM 07-11-2013
We haven't had a "discussion" for awhile! Anyway, I'm not going to pass judgement. Nannyde has a relationship with the kids. I for one am very sarcastic with the kids. It develops over time. Some people are surprised at my sarcasm. It works for us. Nannyde has her ways....and the kids "get her"....I would like to see how this works in one of Nannyde's videos. Written descriptions don't portray the reality as well as a video would.
If you think it's horrible, it won't work for you. Find something that suits your own childcare philosophy.
If you think it's horrible, it won't work for you. Find something that suits your own childcare philosophy.
MizzCheryl 04:04 PM 07-11-2013
I would be careful telling kids they are telling a lie. When they repeat that back to you or their parents it might not sound as nice as you thought it sounded when you said it to them.
I do like having the kids chime in. Kids learn from other kids very fast. Positive peer pressure rocks.
I do like having the kids chime in. Kids learn from other kids very fast. Positive peer pressure rocks.
nannyde 04:52 PM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by MissAnn:
We haven't had a "discussion" for awhile! Anyway, I'm not going to pass judgement. Nannyde has a relationship with the kids. I for one am very sarcastic with the kids. It develops over time. Some people are surprised at my sarcasm. It works for us. Nannyde has her ways....and the kids "get her"....I would like to see how this works in one of Nannyde's videos. Written descriptions don't portray the reality as well as a video would.
If you think it's horrible, it won't work for you. Find something that suits your own childcare philosophy.
Watch the brown disc video. That's the tone.We haven't had a "discussion" for awhile! Anyway, I'm not going to pass judgement. Nannyde has a relationship with the kids. I for one am very sarcastic with the kids. It develops over time. Some people are surprised at my sarcasm. It works for us. Nannyde has her ways....and the kids "get her"....I would like to see how this works in one of Nannyde's videos. Written descriptions don't portray the reality as well as a video would.
If you think it's horrible, it won't work for you. Find something that suits your own childcare philosophy.
Sugar Magnolia 10:35 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
Horrible idea! OP, please DON'T do this. I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
This makes zero sense to me. It shaming. And why on earth would you encourage "you hurt me" as a phrase you want said frequently by ALL the kids? Encouraging name calling? No. Not cool. And I'm pretty shocked to read this.
OP, I would talk to mom and assure her he is handled gently, and only says this when he is being corrected or redirected?
Can you imagine if he went home and says "the teacher and all the other kids.call me "you hurt me." ???
JoseyJo 11:41 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
Thank you so much Nanny De! I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
I have a little one who just turned 3 yo. Every time he gets redirected or has to do anything he doesn't want he starts crying "mommy, mommy" and does a little fit for about 30 sec to a minute, then does whatever I want. - It happens at least 20 times every day! Today when he started it I said "mommy, mommy, mommy" (not in a teasing way or anything, just saying the word) and he looked at me like I was crazy, then just did what I asked!
Every time he started it up again I started saying or singing the word. He only tired it a handful of times, then he just started doing what I wanted happily without having to do the cry/mommy thing first._ Edit_ I just read through the comments after nanny de's original one (I read that this morning and just posted my response w/o reading the comments after.)
I didn't take what she said as teasing, mocking, making fun of, or anything like that! I took it as "taking the power out of the word"- as in he is getting a lot of inappropriate attention for saying "you hurt me" (or "mommy, mommy" in my case) when the TRUTH is that no one hurt him, and mine doesn't want his mommy at all! They both just want out of what they don't want to do and for whatever reason that specific phrase has worked to get them out of trouble and into a discussion. Just like all the parents we talk about on these threads who will say anything they need to so you will not term them, but then go right back to the bad behaviors- kids find out what "words" work for what they want and use them.
I am not sure of the exact way that Nanny De does it since I am reading it instead of hearing it- but what I did was say in a silly/ sing song voice the word after he started using it and guided him to do what I wanted him to do. It worked great- he didn't seem embarrassed, mad, sad, or anything- it really just set him back on the tracks from his mommy, mommy dis-railing and he went about doing what he was supposed to w/o having to throw the fit first. The other kids didn't even seem to notice me doing it, didn't question me about it, stop what they were doing, or really pay any attention at all. I sing silly things all the time
makap 11:51 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by JoseyJo:
Thank you so much Nanny De!
I have a little one who just turned 3 yo. Every time he gets redirected or has to do anything he doesn't want he starts crying "mommy, mommy" and does a little fit for about 30 sec to a minute, then does whatever I want. - It happens at least 20 times every day! Today when he started it I said "mommy, mommy, mommy" (not in a teasing way or anything, just saying the word) and he looked at me like I was crazy, then just did what I asked! Every time he started it up again I started saying or singing the word. He only tired it a handful of times, then he just started doing what I wanted happily without having to do the cry/mommy thing first.
Thanks so much!
To be honest, I have used this in the past for example with whining. In a whiny voice back I have said, I can't understand you.....or if a child has done the pretend cry thing with no tears to get their way, I would pretend to cry back and it does work. But to nickname him “you hurt me" and to call him that every day all day long and pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too? That phrase being the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning? I do not agree with this.Thank you so much Nanny De!
I have a little one who just turned 3 yo. Every time he gets redirected or has to do anything he doesn't want he starts crying "mommy, mommy" and does a little fit for about 30 sec to a minute, then does whatever I want. - It happens at least 20 times every day! Today when he started it I said "mommy, mommy, mommy" (not in a teasing way or anything, just saying the word) and he looked at me like I was crazy, then just did what I asked!
Every time he started it up again I started saying or singing the word. He only tired it a handful of times, then he just started doing what I wanted happily without having to do the cry/mommy thing first.Thanks so much!
I have to say that I love you and almost all of your advice nannyde :-) but this I could not do.
Sugar Magnolia 12:09 PM 07-11-2013
I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.
jenn 01:00 PM 07-11-2013
I don't think of that as mocking or bullying, it is just taking the power out of his statement. If the statement he is making does not get a reaction or does not get the reaction he wants, it takes the power out of it and means nothing.
nannyde 01:02 PM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.
I nickname the kids and I don't talk much about it to the parents. They have their own nicknames I think. Never asked. I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.
I nickname all the kids. My last batch were Tink, Bam, JButter, MyZay, Dash, One, MStone and Blue Isaac on Wi (Blue for short). It sometimes comes to me quickly and most often it evolves.
nannyde 01:04 PM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.
Oh it wouldn't be a secret. I would be saying it in front of them, by email, and text. I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.
If I had a kid claiming I hurt them their parent would know five seconds later by text, skype, email, carrier pidgeon... whatever was the fastest.
MizzCheryl 04:57 PM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.
As a parent I would think, this lady is a genius, wow I am lucky to have her as my childcare provider. Then I would say, "Come on Hermie, lets go home". I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.
Starburst 11:54 PM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is something this childs parents will enjoy?
Well I guess "Hermie" could be short for Herman or a hermit (like a kid that keeps to themselves or is shy). My family always called me a hermit (and "crabby") because I hardly left my room.I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is something this childs parents will enjoy?
I used to give some of the kids at the daycare I worked at nicknames. I called one little girl named Taylor-roo because when I would wake her up from her name she always jumped up into my arms like a little Kangaroo. She lit up every time I would call her that. She once even said her nickname {with no prompting} like Scooby-Doo says his name; it was so cute! Some of the other teachers thought it was cute and called her that too. Another girl was "Bella-Boo", another one Geegers (her name was Giovanna usually went by Gigi). I always called my cousin's son Jaybird (his name is Jaydon), my mom thought it was cute and even calls him that sometimes and he always laughs when her hears it.
I think in most cases a nickname makes them feel special, as long as its done in a loving way. Though I personally wouldn't give them a nickname due to bad behavior, in some ways it can be seen as positive punishment and as a form of shaming, in other ways it can be seen as rewarding them with a new nickname that they may actually like and try to live up to(kids often try to live up to labels adults give them {both good and bad}, as the "troublemaker" in another thread pointed out). I only give kids nicknames when they do something cute/funny/cool or because they are just so awesome
.I get what your saying about if the parents found out about the nickname and how upset they would be but from what I have observed on Nannyde's site it usually seems that 'what happens in daycare, stays in daycare' and that they are taught from the beginning that home and daycare are different and never shall the two meet (especially with the 'buh-bye outside' program) .
Unregistered 11:03 AM 03-06-2021
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
If I were a parent and my child came home and told me you did this, I would be furious! Why do you believe in bullying and then condoning this behavior??????I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.
It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.
@nannyde: If I were a parent and my child came home and told me that you mocked them or bullied them and allowed the other children to join in, I would be VERY upset. I DO NOT believe in bullying, mocking, name calling or allowing the others to do the same. Also, if my childcare consultant came in and saw this, they would write us up
MissAnn 04:09 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
One of my little boys who is 2 1/2 will say "you hurt me" if I have to physically move him to time out or something he doesn't want to do. For example he threw a toy (nearly missing another child) which is a big no no in our day care. I reminded him of the rule and told him to take a time out. He told me "NO!" and ran away. I went and grabbed his arm and walked him back to the time out spot. Literally...we walked together. No pulling or dragging...nothing like that. As he sits down he says "you hurt my arm". To avoid argument...there is NO WAY he was hurt. He only does this when he gets in trouble, and it's becoming more and more frequent. My concern is that he will go home and say he was hurt at day care when that is absolutely not the case. He's a very bright little boy. I think he may get out of stuff at home by saying this...I'm not sure. But I'm tossing the idea around about talking to mom. Would you?
I had a kid that after holding his arms gently while giving him a lecture....he would keep looking at his arms as if I hurt him. Freaked me out!One of my little boys who is 2 1/2 will say "you hurt me" if I have to physically move him to time out or something he doesn't want to do. For example he threw a toy (nearly missing another child) which is a big no no in our day care. I reminded him of the rule and told him to take a time out. He told me "NO!" and ran away. I went and grabbed his arm and walked him back to the time out spot. Literally...we walked together. No pulling or dragging...nothing like that. As he sits down he says "you hurt my arm". To avoid argument...there is NO WAY he was hurt. He only does this when he gets in trouble, and it's becoming more and more frequent. My concern is that he will go home and say he was hurt at day care when that is absolutely not the case. He's a very bright little boy. I think he may get out of stuff at home by saying this...I'm not sure. But I'm tossing the idea around about talking to mom. Would you?
lovemykidstoo 04:59 AM 07-11-2013
I have the same thing with the one child that drives me nuts and will be done Sept 1. He is a monster and I have to take him by the hand or arm ALOT! He ALWAYS grabs his arm and gets this look on his face like I beat him and says, you hurt my arm. I just firmly say, NO, I did not hurt you, now sit in time out! That usually ends the conversation. I always wonder if he says that to his parents because he is very smart and a master manipulator. If they ever bring it up, I will gladly discuss it with them, but it hasn't yet and he's been doing it a long time.
Unregistered 07:09 AM 07-11-2013
Nannyde, would this method work for the phrase "you're not my friend anymore" as well? That phrase is driving me nuts, and it really hurts the targets' feelings. Luckily it's just one DCG that uses it frequently, although the others have picked it up too. 
JenNJ 08:48 AM 07-11-2013
I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.
He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.
I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?
He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.
I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?
Cradle2crayons 08:55 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by JenNJ:
I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.
He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.
I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?
Totally agree.I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.
He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.
I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?
I would never tell a group of children to do a thing like that. That would set the whole dynamic up for trouble.
That would teach the other kids its okay to make fun and "bully" another kid.
That would teach the offending child that its okay to be made fun of, shamed, and bullied and it would all be okay end by the adult who is supposed to be NOT enforcing shaming and bullying.
Wowee would certainly not be a good thing .
SilverSabre25 08:57 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by JenNJ:
I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.
He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.
I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?
This too! Well said, JenI would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.
He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.
I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?
Heidi 10:50 AM 07-11-2013
Originally Posted by JenNJ:
I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.
He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.
I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?
Thank you...I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.
He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.
I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?
Nan's idea, while funny, is unlikely to produce anything but more trouble. Sorry, Nan...so often I agree with you.
Lefse&Kids 07:07 AM 07-12-2013
I have to say, that while the nickname suggestion may work and be funny, I will never do it and I hope OP doesn't either. Here's why...
I have experiences too close to home concerning child abuse and the children not speaking up about it for one reason and another. Just know that it can seriously harm the child by taking the power out the phrase, SERIOUSLY. How about taking the power out the situation instead?
My own son has tried this whole "stop hurting me!" many times, I get down to his level and say "ok, I'm sorry if that hurt. would you like a hug?" (I say it very point blank and open my arms with warm, no so much with "oh poor baby" feeling...and sometimes he'll take the hug, other times he'll say no), THEN I put him in time out with no interaction (other than putting him back in the spot when he gets up). When time out is done, I'll ask if he'd like a hug (again sometimes yes or no).
He serves his time out, his feelings are validated (fake or not), but he doesn't get away with any of it.
Works here with all the kids...
I have experiences too close to home concerning child abuse and the children not speaking up about it for one reason and another. Just know that it can seriously harm the child by taking the power out the phrase, SERIOUSLY. How about taking the power out the situation instead?
My own son has tried this whole "stop hurting me!" many times, I get down to his level and say "ok, I'm sorry if that hurt. would you like a hug?" (I say it very point blank and open my arms with warm, no so much with "oh poor baby" feeling...and sometimes he'll take the hug, other times he'll say no), THEN I put him in time out with no interaction (other than putting him back in the spot when he gets up). When time out is done, I'll ask if he'd like a hug (again sometimes yes or no).
He serves his time out, his feelings are validated (fake or not), but he doesn't get away with any of it.
Works here with all the kids...
nannyde 07:20 AM 07-12-2013
Originally Posted by Lefse&Kids:
I have to say, that while the nickname suggestion may work and be funny, I will never do it and I hope OP doesn't either. Here's why...
I have experiences too close to home concerning child abuse and the children not speaking up about it for one reason and another. Just know that it can seriously harm the child by taking the power out the phrase, SERIOUSLY. How about taking the power out the situation instead?
My own son has tried this whole "stop hurting me!" many times, I get down to his level and say "ok, I'm sorry if that hurt. would you like a hug?" (I say it very point blank and open my arms with warm, no so much with "oh poor baby" feeling...and sometimes he'll take the hug, other times he'll say no), THEN I put him in time out with no interaction (other than putting him back in the spot when he gets up). When time out is done, I'll ask if he'd like a hug (again sometimes yes or no).
He serves his time out, his feelings are validated (fake or not), but he doesn't get away with any of it.
Works here with all the kids...
You are apologizing to him for something that didn't happen and then hugging him. THAT'S what gets them to go beyond you and do it to the next adult. If he says to mommy you hurt me he doesn't get fear as a reaction. He gets special lovins. When he does it to ANYBODY that is in a care position he is putting THEM at risk. I have to say, that while the nickname suggestion may work and be funny, I will never do it and I hope OP doesn't either. Here's why...
I have experiences too close to home concerning child abuse and the children not speaking up about it for one reason and another. Just know that it can seriously harm the child by taking the power out the phrase, SERIOUSLY. How about taking the power out the situation instead?
My own son has tried this whole "stop hurting me!" many times, I get down to his level and say "ok, I'm sorry if that hurt. would you like a hug?" (I say it very point blank and open my arms with warm, no so much with "oh poor baby" feeling...and sometimes he'll take the hug, other times he'll say no), THEN I put him in time out with no interaction (other than putting him back in the spot when he gets up). When time out is done, I'll ask if he'd like a hug (again sometimes yes or no).
He serves his time out, his feelings are validated (fake or not), but he doesn't get away with any of it.
Works here with all the kids...
To me, the child's growth and development is way way down in the list in these deals. Think about the poor adult who gets this flung her way. Think about the OP and HER children.
Whatever happens after he's hugged really doesn't matter to me. Once he's been acknowledged with an I'm sorry and a hug the damage is done.
Lefse&Kids 09:09 AM 07-12-2013
OP, I do also tell them they are not hurt. Lies are not ignored but addressed at that time... but to take a powerful statement (in my opinion it is powerful) to essentially nothing is not a reliable method to me. I get the idea of the method Nannyde uses, but I still disagree for my reason posted earlier.
Two parents told me last week how well their kids played with others, and told me they think I do a great job helping with their social skills. So it does work HERE. Whether it will work for you or not, I don't know.
Children do what works to get their way and what they want/need. And while children can become natural masters of adult manipulation quickly.....as adults, sometimes its not a game to play.
----------------------------------
"Think about the poor adult who gets this flung her way. Think about the OP and HER children."
I know you disagree Nannyde, I told her what works for our daycare and my opinion the alternate methods suggested. She'll choose what works for her and what is in the best interest of the child(ren) there.
btw, watched the video referenced, so cute
Two parents told me last week how well their kids played with others, and told me they think I do a great job helping with their social skills. So it does work HERE. Whether it will work for you or not, I don't know.
Children do what works to get their way and what they want/need. And while children can become natural masters of adult manipulation quickly.....as adults, sometimes its not a game to play.
----------------------------------
"Think about the poor adult who gets this flung her way. Think about the OP and HER children."
I know you disagree Nannyde, I told her what works for our daycare and my opinion the alternate methods suggested. She'll choose what works for her and what is in the best interest of the child(ren) there.
btw, watched the video referenced, so cute
Unregistered 05:12 PM 07-26-2013
I do actually do a little mocking myself. The kids end up seeing how silly they sound, and sometimes at lunch will beg me to "do me, do me". They all have their signature phrases: "I don't WAAAAAAAANT to" or "I don't like it here". I'll put on a whiny voice like the one that defines them, and use it until they are giggling...they know how silly they sound, and the phrase gets used a LOT less. The kids aren't scarred for life, but they do learn about how they sound when they do it, and they agree that it's not going to get them anything but a laugh.
skipper 06:35 AM 07-27-2013
Have you spoken to the child's parents about this OP? I think that's the very first thing you should do because chances are if he's saying it to you, he's saying the same to them at home when he doesn't get his way.
Next I would say no, I didn't hurt you, . You hurt your friend when you threw the toy, now sit here and cool off.
If he continues to say it I'd simply ignore it and have a chat with the parents at pick up.
He's 2, tomorrow he'll be on to something else.
Next I would say no, I didn't hurt you, . You hurt your friend when you threw the toy, now sit here and cool off.
If he continues to say it I'd simply ignore it and have a chat with the parents at pick up.
He's 2, tomorrow he'll be on to something else.