I have been a member of this forum for a few years now however I have not been on here much the past many months as we have been going through a lot as a family with our little boy. We are in the process of having him assessed and diagnosed for some issues which have been very difficult on us as a family and I have been having a very hard time accepting this and advocating for him at school. I had to take a bit of a break from doing it "all" and had pulled him out of school for quite sometime. I will share these things with you all later.

In the meantime I am trying to get back to life and enjoy doing some of the things I used to like to do and I have encountered a bit of a situation with a dcm that I am not sure how to deal with.

I received a call a few weeks ago from someone looking for care for her little boy. He is 10 months old. Mom got my name from a friend of hers whose children I cared for in the past. She also know 2 other people on my reference list so she knows a few families who have had great experiences here with their children and who had only wonderful things to say about me. She will be going back to work full-time the second week of April and the little boy is going to be full time Monday - Friday from 8-4 so great hours. Seems like a great family we met last week and they stayed for 2 hours. Baby seems excellent as well however it looks like mom is going to have a bit of difficulty with the transition.

I am not sure how to respond to the email she sent me yesterday as it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I do not like having anyone here while caring for my other children as we all know that this is when they act up and behave when someone else is around in ways which they do not when we are alone. I have 2 that may give me a hard time and make this time difficult for me.

One is a very busy little boy who I really have to keep my eyes on as he is very rough and he will do anything to get my attention and the other one is a real "cry baby" for lack of a better word :-( Sorry to use that term but she is really weepy often for no reason and just cries and cries even if I just go for a pee or if I leave the group to make lunch etc. Once she starts this it is constant and there is no stopping her.


I also do not like the thought of having someone here while I care for the kids as it make me feel like my every move is going to be watched and i would feel like I am being judged for everything I say or do. I am just uncomfortable around other adults but I am amazing with my children! I get crazy and silly with them and we have fun and they all love me. I just won't be able to be myself with another adult here. I can be with parents who I have had for a while as I am comfortable with them but a new parent who I not yet know will make me feel nervous and self conscious. I do have an open door policy and any parent can just walk in anytime they want and I encourage this but I do not want anyone to stay during the time I am doing my job or for such a lengthy amount of time.

This is what she sent me.

"I'd like to bring Dude on Tuesday Wednesday and Friday. On the Monday and Tuesday I'd like to come in the morning around 9. Put him down for his nap there and stay until lunch. I will leave during his nap but I'd like to come back when he wakes up to play until lunch. Then on Friday I will bring him in the morning and leave at nap time and come get him before his afternoon nap. This is all really for me lol.... My comfort. I know he will be fine... I'm just having a hard time. Hope this works for you.

Then I want to bring him the following Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I've been able to wean him in the morning, but he still won't take a bottle/sippy of milk before his afternoon nap. So I may come at lunch time to nurse while I continue to try and wean him...

Let me know what you think."

I just want to tell her no this won't work for me. I would not like to tell her she can't come to nurse but what a disruption! :-(

I want to make sure what I tell her sounds okay and I basically want to tell her exactly what I have written above, however I am not so great with words and am unsure how to word it. Please advice with the right words to use or how I can still accommodate somewhat without so much of a disruption to my day and group and without feeling uncomfortable about it.

Thanks!

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I would tell her that it simply is not possible. You have other clients wishes to consider. Having another parent in and out all week will be too disruptive and a privacy violation. Sign it "I hope you understand, I must consider what is in the best interest of the group of CHILDREN as a whole"

If she chooses to go elsewhere it will most likely be for the best. This request is crazy making. You offer child care, not adult care.

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First things first.l. I require all breastfed babies to be bottle trained BEFORE THEY START. This is the parents responsibility to make his happen. Perhaps mom should try a few different nipple types to help ease the transition. I also require proof the child is nipple trained prior to start by having mom bring baby at a feeding time with a prepared bottle. I take the baby and bottle while mom steps I to another room. If the child refuses the bottle mom must keep trying. Nipple training is their job to accomplish not mine. And I refuse to have a baby do without because a parent doesn't prepare them for group care.

Secondly, I do NOT allow parents to stay at daycare. This is for several reasons. First they are not background checked and I take the privacy of my other clients very seriously. Another reason is that it makes transition for the baby wayyyyy harder and can lead to HUGE adaptation issues with the child. I assure mom I will send pictures throughout the first few days to show them how baby is handling the adjustment.

Parents don't like hearing no. But it comes down to what is best for YOUR program, your other children's privacy, and what's best for the BABY... Not HER.

So that's exactly how I would explain it to mom.

As in explain you understand her concerns but for the above reasons, you can't accomodate her.

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I would add in to what others have said saying that you want to start things off the way it is going to be from day one. Don't set the child up with any false hope that mommy is going to be there with them. If that is not going to happen every day ( which we know it will not) then from day 1 you need to start off with how things will always be. it is way too confusing for any child.

I tell parents it is always going to be harder on you than it is going to be on the child. I let them know that I will send text pics and update them when I can.

If they really want to come hang out in the beginning to see how things are going, I tell them they are welcome to come to the end of our day and play with us when we go outside for that last hour of care.

Also, would your licensing approve this?

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I have this line on standby for potentials who want to observe:

"While I understand that you would want to "see me in action" before leaving your child for the first time, I cannot allow it for several reasons.

First is the privacy of the other children and their family's. I do diaper changes, deal with medical issues/conditions, and discuss their home life with them on a daily basis. I have a strict privacy policy and having another adult around violates the trust between my clients and myself.

Second, you are a stranger to the children and their parents. Please consider how you would feel if your child were in care and I allowed a strange adult to the daycare to observe your child.

Third, I consider the trust my clients place in me the cornerstone of our relationship. In a childcare relationship I am asking that a client trust me completely with their child. I ask for honesty and open communication. Asking me to prove myself above and beyond my criminal background check, photo identification, insurance information, and references is not something I am willing to do.

I do understand if you need to find other arrangements. Just know that I value the children's safety and security above all else and allowing adults in to observe them is not part of the safe and secure environment I promise them each and every day."

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will you marry me!!!!!!!!

love this!!!

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I'll have to ask my DH.

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If Mom still hasn't weaned him completely and is wanting to come nurse him " while I continue to try and wean him" how will he ever get weaned? If he isn't completely weaned and she shows up daily at lunch, ummmm not thinkin he is going to want her to go again. Then your afternoon nap for everyone becomes a problem kwim? Plus everythin BlackCat said i can't figure out how to quote by highlighting or I would... Any threads on that?

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I am convinced you are 1 of 3 secret super heros on this forum.

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Yeah I had a new baby interview the other day and mom mentioned nursing at her lunch if baby needs to but says baby takes a bottle well and she isn't opposed to him having formula if she can't pump enough to keep him happy. It really depends on why, when, etc.
This baby you're interviewing is 10 mos old. and he's plenty old enough to eat solids and be entertained to distract him if he's having a hard time transitioning. He could also switch to a sippy cup. The barely 4 month old in my interview can't! So I would be willing to allow mom come to nurse if he's inconsolable and won't take a bottle but we would have to figure out a solution as that can't happen every day. There has to be a cut off at some point.
But during a transition period mom should NOT be there. Period. This is the time you get to know baby, see how he acts, see what works for you. Plus, yeah, you can have moms there for short periods of time (interviews, drop off, pick ups, etc) but just hanging out... No way. I will allow a mom to breastfeed her baby for a short period of time IF it works for our schedule. But I also have a dad who picks up at 1:45, if she wants to come then to feed and wants privacy I can't really provide that. And with 3-4 two yr olds running around I don't anticipate that being a relaxing nursing session.

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Sounds like great advice above. I agree with the advice already suggested and sympathize with you. You can tell the mom you understand her wanting to be present to help with the transitioning into daycare, but your experience has taught you it stalls transition and hinders you and the child from healthy attachment, causing separation anxiety to linger and be drawn out. It is better to make a clean break, and if she truly is looking for outside daycare she will most likely find this anywhere she goes. Also you can be honest about other children in care being more disrupted with another adult present and hindering the natural flow of things. Tell her you want what is best for the transition of her son, which means him coming in on a "natural setting". I have parents make an initial visit with their child during non-daycare hours so I can meet the child and he/she can see the daycare area, play a few minutes and at least have a familiar face and place to get dropped off. No matter how you slice it, it is going to be a time of transition and assure her you will do all you can to make it a smooth and joyful one. Hope this helps!

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I don't allow on site parent visits during day care hours and the infant needs to be COMPLETELY on a bottle before coming. I require the child to be fed a FULL bottle in front of me right before the child starts care.

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At 10 months, he can nurse with her and have cups from you. No reason to even give him a bottle, unless he's already good at it. That at least, solves the whole "bottle training" part of it. Why bottle train him at 10 months, then dump the bottles at 12?

I see she did mention a sippy. Rest assured, mom, that if he doesn't drink a ton from it at first, he'll make up for it by nursing more.

I have had moms that nurse when they arrive for pick up. IF that works for you, it could be a time she spends there to get to know you. I don't have a problem with parents hanging out at the end of the day. I even invite them sometimes with a fresh pot of coffee. As long as they're all gone by closing.

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Thank you everyone. You were all so helpful and I used a little of all of your advice. I really appreciate your help. This is what I sent to her as well as her response.

My reply:

Hi ______,

I understand you wanting to be present to help with the transitioning, but from my experience I have found the best way to do this is to just drop off in the morning and to make it as quick as possible. By drawing it out and doing it the way you are suggesting will be causing the separation anxiety to linger and be drawn out which will make transition for the little guy much more difficult. It will also make it longer for me to be able to get him into a routine.

Also, by you coming to put him down for a nap and leaving while he is asleep would not be a good thing if he were to wake up and find you gone. It would be a big shock to him if you were here when he fell asleep but not when he woke up. He would be quite upset. It is best for you to say goodbye and leave and come and pick him up whenever you are ready to take him home.

Another reason I do not allow visits during the time I have other children is due to the fact that you are a stranger to the children and their parents. Please consider how you would feel if your child were in my care and I allowed a strange adult to observe and be around your child.

Also by having another person present causes a lot of disruption to our routine and causes the other children to behave in ways that they do not normally behave. Some may be more clingy to me and others may just act up/show off to get attention.

Being here to nurse during lunchtime will disrupt their lunchtime routine and their nap routine afterwards will be affected. it will make it difficult for everyone.

I am confident in the next few weeks we can get him used to using a sippy cup especially once he sees the other little ones drinking out of one. I find that it helps a lot to have the others "show" how its done. He will learn by imitating the others.

I will send pictures throughout the first few days to show you how he is handling the adjustment and you can call anytime you would like. I will also be sure to write down everything he eats and drinks as well as his diaper changes.

If you feel the need to come and pick him up earlier you may just show up anytime, I always have an open door policy meaning you can walk in at anytime however I do have a rule that if a parent does show up then they must take their child with them when they leave. The reason for this is due to the fact that if parents show up to see how things are going and then leave, I must then deal with an upset child once they are gone.

It is going to be a time of transition and I assure you that I will do everything I possibly can to make it a smooth and joyful one.

If you really want to come and hang out a couple of times before you go back to work to allow more time to get to know me a little better and to allow yourselves to feel more comfortable, you are welcome to come to spend some time at the end of the day once the other children have left.


Her response was:

OK


Not sure what her plans are now but thank you all again so much for giving me some great ideas and helping me to word this.

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I don't know maybe it's just me but I would have a hard time with just a simple "ok".


I would have to respond and ask her if she understood and agreed to what was being told to her. Is she simply saying okay but not really understanding and/or seeing things from your perspective or is that a confirmation that she does understand. kwim?

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OK?? Ha! Wow!! This should be a fun one!

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good job on the email..... hmm I have to say that ok just means I am thinking of what I want to say and will return another email to you to tell you what I really think of this.

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I sent the reply on Wednesday evening and she replied a couple of hours after I sent it so not sure how long it is going to take her to reply with more than an OK. Its been 2 days now.

I am going to wait and see if or when she replies and how she does. I may never hear from her again, who knows?

She wanted to bring baby on the 25th so if I have not heard from her by the 24th I will call her to see if she is bringing him or not.

I will keep you all posted.

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maybe give her a courtesy reminder of your appt the day before. Don't stress, if it was meant to be, it will all work out well.

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