So I have a DCB, age 2 1/2, who began the potty training process on Jan. 6. (In my program I work alongside parents with potty training. When the kids start showing several signs of readiness I discuss the process with parents and if everyone is in agreement we move forward.) DCB was showing some interest in the potty (occasionally sitting on the potty when the bigger ones were using the bathroom), could pull up his pants after diaper changes, was dry for longer periods of time, and was interested in watching others (peers, parents) use the potty. He also often "hid" to have BM's at home (physically understood what was happening). DCB is also very verbal and intelligent. No new changes to routine, etc. were planned for anytime soon.

Fast forward to now, DCB has been in undies full-time (except for nap & bedtime). While at daycare he stays dry all day 99% of the time. He pees after breakfast, before lunch, and wakes up with a wet diaper after nap. He "tries" on the potty after nap but doesn't pee. He never has a BM while at daycare (he rarely did when he was in diapers and never does now that he is in underwear). He does not, however, initiate or ask to use the potty. I tell him when it is time to go/try and am firm (now that it has been weeks) that he must "go" in the morning - which he does 99% of the time.

Apparently, however, he refuses to use the potty about 75-90% of the time at home. Even when he does "try" he will often not go and immediately pee or BM in his underwear. His mom reports that he will often pee or BM and doesn't even tell her - he will "sit in it" until she discovers it. DCB is very stubborn & extremely strong willed so I am sure that plays into it. Mom and Dad are pretty firm though so it isn't as though he has them wrapped around his finger. I try to stay very laid back throughout the potty training process but his parents are getting frustrated that he isn't making progress.

What do you think? How would you handle this? I don't believe in forcing potty training on kids before they are ready. We only started the process because he seemed interested and displayed readiness factors. I don't think going back to diapers is necessarily the answer, but I am not sure how to advise his parents at this point. Neither of us believe in reward-systems and DCB wouldn't respond well to it anyway. I am certain that most of the issue is his stubborn & controlling personality, but other factors may be at play too. What would you do for DCB? What would you suggest to his parents?

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I would just keep doing what you are doing. It sounds like it's a control thing at home since at your house he's 99% dry. I feel like you have done or do what you can and now it's mostly up to what they do at home. Plus he's only 2.5, he'll get it soon. I hope the parents aren't getting frustrated with you.

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My daughter is extremely strong willed and when she was potty training tried to use it as a control issue.

So, even though I knew she was ready physically, I knew it had to be HER idea or I was going to get nowhere.

Let me also day though, I do NOT initiate potty training until one key factor is met:::: they HAVE to tell me they need to go. I do not and will not prompt or time potty time.

With her, I placed her back into diapers and immediately, because it wasn't HER idea, she didn't like it. I told her no problem, she could go right back into her undies when SHE told me she had to go and her diapers stayed dry. Within two weeks, she was completely back in undies and never had another accident, even during naps.

With the strong willed ones especially, I've found it needs to be THEIR idea.

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So you don't think it would be "harmful" to go back to diapers? Parents might see it as a "defeat" but what you pointed out makes a lot of sense.

Also, though it is a rare possibility, what if he turns out to be one of those kiddos who doesn't really ever take to potty training. The fact that he couldn't care less if he is wet or poopy makes me worry a little about this.

How would you bring this up with the parents. We are very candid with one another but bringing it up might be a little awkward...

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I think the concept that people don't/won't change their behavior until their behavior becomes their problem comes into play here.

I don't necessarily think I would put him back into a diaper (maybe Pull-ups) though. I DO see that as somewhat shaming.

I think maybe a Pull up or plastic covers over his trainers to save the family's (and your floors) but I don't think you should just resort back to diapers when the little one knows 90% of the skill necessary to be considered trained.

Personally what I would do (and did with my own son) was make the accidents HIS problem. He needs to change himself and then not be able to resume whatever activity he was doing when he had the accident.

I would also start charting his successes! Some kids REALLY respond well to that "need to succeed" visually.

I would also have a certain set of activities that are big boys only. Things he REALLY enjoys doing independently. If he chooses to pee and not say anything, he loses the privilege of participating or doing that particular activity because that is "only for kids who use the toilet".

Sometimes those stubborn ones need something to work towards or the work isn't worth it to them...kwim?

I have markers here and markers are ONLY for kids who wear underwear. If a child wants to use markers, they must be toilet trained. I have other activities that are for toilet trained kids ONLY too and that desire to participate in those activities is the sole motivation for some kids to stop peeing in their pants and not "trying" to help themselves.

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I feel that you are and have done all you can do. For if they are 99% dry for you and not at home then its up to the parents to figure that one out....Hope it gets better soon....

I have a DCG who will be 2 in April (second child)... Dad drop off this morning, and says she is in underwear, that she will go a little in them then will hold it to make it to the potty. that she will only need the diaper for nap time .... mom sent two extra undies and five pants.. This little one does not state when and if she has to go. When I ask her she very very quietly say no, when I put her on the potty she cries and say no.... In my opinion I'd say she is not ready, for she does not let me know at all if she is wet or bm, she does not pull her pants down or up with out help.

Mom sent me this text ( We're going ahead with no diapers for * . She occasionally will start to pee, stop and finish on the potty. I brought lots of extra pants, hope it works. Yesterday she only had 1 accident. She may not be comfortable to poo yet, you can put a diaper if she wants to for that and of course for nap time (wink face) hope she goes for you. Let me know how it goes. )


I feel that I should tell mom at pick up that until she can fully tell me with out peeing then stopping then peeing in potty that she will need to stay in diapers here for I can not have her peeing her pants even if it is a little bit for health and safety of the other children.

What do you all think .... I do help with potty training if the client and child are 100% on board. Until the child starts to show more signs and wants to sit on the potty. Then and only then do I put the child on at each changing times ( before and after meals, before and after nap time, and before and after outside times ).....

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Stick to your rules! She does not sound ready to me and I would not follow through if it were me. A parent can not reasonably expect that it's ok to have 3-5 accidents a day in daycare!

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