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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>How Do You Handle the Constant Questioning That The dc Kids Do?
sahm2three 01:44 PM 07-20-2010
I feel like a few of them try to micromanage me. It drives me NUTS! Not only that, but they ask me a question (asking for something usually) and if I say no, they ask why and try to strengthen their case by saying, well so and so had two, or something like that. For instance, today we had homemade popsicles and home made granola bars. Each got one of each. Well, one of the boys didn't want his granola bar so he gave it to my son. ODD dcb came up to me and said, can I have another granola bar? I said, no, you each got a popsicle and a granola bar. He says, "Well X had two, why can't *I* have two." Well, because of the book I am reading I gave him a 1. I wanted to say, because X lives here and is not in daycare! UGH! I am just tired of being questioned as to why I do this or why this rule is that. It has just been a long week already.
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TGT09 02:33 PM 07-20-2010
OH MY GOSH, I can totally empathize with you! I actually try ignoring as much as possible unless it continues. I get SO tired of answering the same questions by every child since they weren't listening the first time I said something. I have only 1 toddler and the rest are school-agers this summer and I seriously want to slit my throat at times.

I have 1 8yo dcg that questions EVERYTHING I do. She will question why I put someone in timeout. I finally had to start telling her she wasn't the boss and that she doesn't need to know everything at my house. Her mom has mentioned several times that she is super nosy so I think it has to do with that. Really though, what is she going to do with the information I give her....plus it's between ME and that child....that's it!

Good luck at figuring out how to handle it! I'd love to hear some more seasoned responses to this so maybe I can use them too. lol
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My4SunshineGirlsNY 02:54 PM 07-20-2010
It's been a LONG week for me too ::sigh:: I have a bunch of catty girls, can't wait until this week is over...or summer for that matter!
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Bizzymom1111 03:44 PM 07-20-2010
Must be something about today! I am ready to go nuts over here too! I have my 6yo neice and she questions EVERYTHING I do. If everything is not 100% fair and equal, she'll let me know. It drives me nuts. She thinks that because we're related that she gets all the same privilages that my kids get. Anyways.. I totally hear ya! At one point last week I just put on my iPod and tuned it all out for a few to gather myself! A nice glass of wine at the end of the day can't hurt either!! Good luck!
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nannyde 04:05 PM 07-20-2010
Originally Posted by sahm2three:
I feel like a few of them try to micromanage me. It drives me NUTS! Not only that, but they ask me a question (asking for something usually) and if I say no, they ask why and try to strengthen their case by saying, well so and so had two, or something like that. For instance, today we had homemade popsicles and home made granola bars. Each got one of each. Well, one of the boys didn't want his granola bar so he gave it to my son. ODD dcb came up to me and said, can I have another granola bar? I said, no, you each got a popsicle and a granola bar. He says, "Well X had two, why can't *I* have two." Well, because of the book I am reading I gave him a 1. I wanted to say, because X lives here and is not in daycare! UGH! I am just tired of being questioned as to why I do this or why this rule is that. It has just been a long week already.
I don't have this at all.

I don't allow children to decide when I need to explain myself. When they ask for something and I say "NO" their answer is OK. If I decide they need an explanation then I explain the NO. This is almost ALWAYS in safety situations. If I don't want them to do something that is unsafe to them, the other kids, the property... THEN I follow the no with an explanation. Other than that I don't feel obligated to explain reasons that are most likely something they either aren't going to accept or they don't understand.

Remember that when the kids are at your home they are in public. Your home is your home.. your kids home... but to the day care children it is their public. Would it be appropriate if an eight year old asked a parent in Wal Mart WHY the parent said NO to the kid having a new toy? Would it be appropriate for an eight year old to ask her teacher WHY another child went to the Nurse?

It's important to set the example that the child is a CHILD in the home and should not be a part of adult decisions and adult behavior. Their childhood should be about being a CHILD not being a part of adult things that are way beyond their understanding. They have their whole lives to be adults. Childhood is a very small window of time. Don't steal away her role as a child by allowing her to be a part of the adult world when she can not possibly understand it.

The kids time in my home is about being a kid and being WITH the kids. The shouldn't be devoted to what I'm doing. I want them to talk to each other. I want them to ask each other "why".

If the child is engaging the adult then they are NOT in the right environment. They shouldn't have a care about what you are doing. It should be boring to them compared to the fun of playing with friends and self entertainment.

When kids are overengaging the adult the best response is to answer with what they SHOULD be doing at that time. When they ask "why" so and so is in time out the answer is "GO PLAY". If you answer with a promt to get them back into what they SHOULD be doing then you don't have to worry about them disecting your answer to build their next engaging statement that is really just a disguise for arguing.

I also don't have the kids asking me for things. Whatever is available to them is already at their disposal. If they don't have it available they can't have it.

I decide what they do when they do it. I don't allow kids to ask me to do MORE. I have WAY more available to them than any eight kids could ever use in an entire childhood. The last thing they need is MORE or different. They've got a good gig here with lots to do to entertain themselves and play with the other kids. No need to ask for anything else.

If I "think" they may need different or more then I ask them if they would like it. The granola bar incident is a perfect example of a kid asking for more when "I" wouldn't have wanted him to have it. If I wanted him to have the option to have a second one I would have offered it with the first.

Let's get the kids back to being kids. They will be SO much happier and satisfied with the life in your home if you secure their role as a child first. Let them PLAY and not be concerned about what you, any other kid, or what they "can" have that is more or different. Let them be happy with what they have NOW and what you lovingly already provide. Be secure in what you are doing and KNOW that you don't need the influence of young children to dictate what you KNOW is right, good, and enough.
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sahm2three 04:38 PM 07-20-2010
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I don't have this at all.

I don't allow children to decide when I need to explain myself. When they ask for something and I say "NO" their answer is OK. If I decide they need an explanation then I explain the NO. This is almost ALWAYS in safety situations. If I don't want them to do something that is unsafe to them, the other kids, the property... THEN I follow the no with an explanation. Other than that I don't feel obligated to explain reasons that are most likely something they either aren't going to accept or they don't understand.

Remember that when the kids are at your home they are in public. Your home is your home.. your kids home... but to the day care children it is their public. Would it be appropriate if an eight year old asked a parent in Wal Mart WHY the parent said NO to the kid having a new toy? Would it be appropriate for an eight year old to ask her teacher WHY another child went to the Nurse?

It's important to set the example that the child is a CHILD in the home and should not be a part of adult decisions and adult behavior. Their childhood should be about being a CHILD not being a part of adult things that are way beyond their understanding. They have their whole lives to be adults. Childhood is a very small window of time. Don't steal away her role as a child by allowing her to be a part of the adult world when she can not possibly understand it.

The kids time in my home is about being a kid and being WITH the kids. The shouldn't be devoted to what I'm doing. I want them to talk to each other. I want them to ask each other "why".

If the child is engaging the adult then they are NOT in the right environment. They shouldn't have a care about what you are doing. It should be boring to them compared to the fun of playing with friends and self entertainment.

When kids are overengaging the adult the best response is to answer with what they SHOULD be doing at that time. When they ask "why" so and so is in time out the answer is "GO PLAY". If you answer with a promt to get them back into what they SHOULD be doing then you don't have to worry about them disecting your answer to build their next engaging statement that is really just a disguise for arguing.

I also don't have the kids asking me for things. Whatever is available to them is already at their disposal. If they don't have it available they can't have it.

I decide what they do when they do it. I don't allow kids to ask me to do MORE. I have WAY more available to them than any eight kids could ever use in an entire childhood. The last thing they need is MORE or different. They've got a good gig here with lots to do to entertain themselves and play with the other kids. No need to ask for anything else.

If I "think" they may need different or more then I ask them if they would like it. The granola bar incident is a perfect example of a kid asking for more when "I" wouldn't have wanted him to have it. If I wanted him to have the option to have a second one I would have offered it with the first.

Let's get the kids back to being kids. They will be SO much happier and satisfied with the life in your home if you secure their role as a child first. Let them PLAY and not be concerned about what you, any other kid, or what they "can" have that is more or different. Let them be happy with what they have NOW and what you lovingly already provide. Be secure in what you are doing and KNOW that you don't need the influence of young children to dictate what you KNOW is right, good, and enough.
Sorry, WAY easier said than done! If one is in time out, one kid after the other comes by and asks why X is in time out. One thing I am constantly saying is, "Who is the only person that Sally has to worry about? Just Sally." I have a few I say this to multiple times a day. I am trying to teach them to mind their own business and not worry about what everyone else has and is doing, but kids will be kids. They are curious beings, I am just looking for better ways to handle it. And also I was venting a bit. I don't "allow" kids to question me, but they do it. And I have to respond appropriately. I would have to ban talking in this house to keep them from questioning anything and everything! LOL!
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DBug 04:43 AM 07-21-2010
I have had the constant questioning too. When I finally got sick of it, I started using "No" and "It's not your business" alot more. I just heard a radio interview the other day about an author that says that parents shouldn't use the word "No". They should find more creative ways to say no (ie. "We're not doing that right now, but we can do this."). While I do believe there is a place for that, I think kids today have gotten used to that kind of parenting. It's almost to the point where alot of parents forfeit their authority so that kids can be part of the decision-making.

I find using the word "No", and repeating it until the child understands that "no" means "no" is the only way to handle it. Same with "not your business". For school-agers especially, it teaches an important social skill too -- that it's rude to meddle. Kids have to learn that not everything is open for negotiation and that sometimes they're just not allowed to do certain things. Allowing them to think otherwise can set them up for trouble in the future. Try arguing with a cop over the speeding ticket he's giving you, and see where that goes
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Pammie 05:25 AM 07-21-2010
Originally Posted by DBug:
I find using the word "No", and repeating it until the child understands that "no" means "no" is the only way to handle it. Same with "not your business".
I *totally* agree!

I think the four phrases that I use most in any given day are:

"I love you"
"No means no"
"Worry about yourself"
"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit"


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Vesta 05:40 AM 07-21-2010
I do occasionally whip out the "because she's my kid and she lives here".

Here's my list.
*It's none of your concern
*Don't worry about it
*Stay in your lane
*Let's just worry about ourselves right now
*Nachos (as in Not your business), this can take the form of
Them: "why is little Bobby sitting beside you"
Me: "because he wants some nachos"
They know what that means and will go on about their way, usually smiling.
*Get out of my house
Not really, but I wish, only 18 more weekdays until school starts!!!!!!
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nannyde 05:47 AM 07-21-2010
Originally Posted by Vesta:
I do occasionally whip out the "because she's my kid and she lives here".

Here's my list.
*It's none of your concern
*Don't worry about it
*Stay in your lane
*Let's just worry about ourselves right now
*Nachos (as in Not your business), this can take the form of
Them: "why is little Bobby sitting beside you"
Me: "because he wants some nachos"
They know what that means and will go on about their way, usually smiling.
*Get out of my house
Not really, but I wish, only 18 more weekdays until school starts!!!!!!
Here's mine:
Go play

Them: "why is little Bobby sitting beside you"
Me: Go play
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Unregistered 06:01 AM 07-21-2010
NannyDe you sound more like a drill sargent than a daycare provider!! : Z
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Janet 09:40 AM 07-21-2010
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
NannyDe you sound more like a drill sargent than a daycare provider!! : Z
I think that the kids who are brought up in environments such as Nan's, seem to be able to learn that they aren't the center of the universe. I am the same way at my daycare and I'm nowhere near a "drill sergeant".

Kids need to learn that no means no, and they need to learn to be able to accept "no" as an answer. I have no problem answering questions from my dcks as long as they aren't doing the "why?" thing as a way to try to break me down and let them have their way.
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jen 10:02 AM 07-21-2010
Life is is full of "no."

No! I won't go out with you
No! You can't have the job
No! You can't have a raise


It drives me absolutely batty when we as parents, or providers, fail to teach kids the meaning of the word no. Think how difficult life is for people who don't learn how to deal with "no."

I have seen people sink into financial despair because they couldn't say no...to themselves, to thier spouse, or to thier children. I've seen others become completely devastated because they didn't get the job or the girl, to the point where they missed other opportunities because they simply didn't know how to get up and dust themselves off when confronted with no.

It's not being a drill segeant, it's teaching kids. It's what we do. It's what we're SUPPOSED to do. It seems to me that we have become more about what "things" we can offer our children as opposed to what we can "teach" our children.

OK...sorry, for the rant! I could go on, but I will stop now!
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misol 11:01 AM 07-21-2010
Originally Posted by Vesta:
*Nachos (as in Not your business), this can take the form of
Them: "why is little Bobby sitting beside you"
Me: "because he wants some nachos"
They know what that means and will go on about their way, usually smiling.
OMG this is HILARIOUS! I am going to start saying this today!

Originally Posted by jen:
Life is is full of "no."

No! I won't go out with you
No! You can't have the job
No! You can't have a raise


It drives me absolutely batty when we as parents, or providers, fail to teach kids the meaning of the word no. Think how difficult life is for people who don't learn how to deal with "no."

I have seen people sink into financial despair because they couldn't say no...to themselves, to thier spouse, or to thier children. I've seen others become completely devastated because they didn't get the job or the girl, to the point where they missed other opportunities because they simply didn't know how to get up and dust themselves off when confronted with no.

It's not being a drill segeant, it's teaching kids. It's what we do. It's what we're SUPPOSED to do. It seems to me that we have become more about what "things" we can offer our children as opposed to what we can "teach" our children.

OK...sorry, for the rant! I could go on, but I will stop now!
This is so very true.
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nannyde 11:36 AM 07-21-2010
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
NannyDe you sound more like a drill sargent than a daycare provider!! : Z
I know
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boysx5 11:45 AM 07-21-2010
I have said all week because I'm in charge thats why I have one six year old that I'm so ready to go back to school I'm counting the days til school starts she thinks she is my boss I'm ready to lose it on her one day she may boss her mother and father but she won't be my boss so tired of her.
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originalkat 01:01 PM 07-21-2010
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I know
You crack me up!
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professionalmom 02:59 PM 07-21-2010
I let the children tell ME what my role is by asking a few simple questions:

Me: Whose house is this?
Child: Yours.
Me: And who's the boss in this house?
Child: You.

This also works when an older child tries to boss around the younger kids. But this simple exchange gets THEM to make the connections in their own heads about the clear line of authority.

I also agree with Nanny, "Go play". I often said, "it's none of your business. Go play." It's not being a drill sergeant, it's being a teacher. Sadly, in today's view of child rearing, the "experts" (most of whom I swear have never raised a child, let alone take care of multiple small children), we have to RESPECT them, their thoughts, their feelings, etc. I agree that there is a time and a place for that line of thinking, but not always. They need to learn that "no" means "no" or they will never be able to function in the real world, let alone flourish and succeed. Some things are constant and non-negotiable. You can't bicker and deal over the price of goods at Wal-Mart, you can't argue your way around the cost of gasoline, you can't argue with your landlord over the due date of your rent (or the amount), etc. Life is full of things that are constant and non-negotiable. The earlier they learn this FACT, the better prepared they will be for life.

Here's a question: for those who have had parents that have tried to bicker and deal over payments (after signing our contracts), were those parents younger or older? I have found that the younger the parents, the more wiggle room they seem to think they have to haggle after signing the contract. That's not to say that there aren't young parents that understand that they owe X amount each week. But overall, I have had the most problems with younger (18-24 year old) parents. The older ones almost never come to me with some sob story or asking for a break for this or that.

Could there be a link between this "don't just say no, redirect their attention to something else" attitude and the younger parents not understanding what "no" means?

And I LOVED the comment about trying to argue your way out of a speeding ticket. Personally, I have found that the nicer and more apologetic you are, the more likely the officer will give you a break (of course, I have been pulled over less than 5 times in my life - driving for 20 years).
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nannyde 06:49 PM 07-21-2010
Originally Posted by professionalmom:
Here's a question: for those who have had parents that have tried to bicker and deal over payments (after signing our contracts), were those parents younger or older? I have found that the younger the parents, the more wiggle room they seem to think they have to haggle after signing the contract. That's not to say that there aren't young parents that understand that they owe X amount each week. But overall, I have had the most problems with younger (18-24 year old) parents. The older ones almost never come to me with some sob story or asking for a break for this or that.

Could there be a link between this "don't just say no, redirect their attention to something else" attitude and the younger parents not understanding what "no" means?
I've thought a lot about this lately. We have two generations we are serving: the parent and the child. Both generations have been brought up to not accept the NO. Here we are in the middle of this working for one generation that doesn't want a NO and caring for the children who haven't received NO's and now a societal belief system and child care training for providers telling us that we shouldn't be giving any NO's.

We can't win. We are the ones in the system that are to be giving the YES. We get to be the one saying and doing YES for three bucks an hour. YES can't be bought for three bucks an hour.

I think one of the major reasons that SO many children are extremely difficult to care for at an ever increasing younger age is that the parents want a YES in their lives and the kids aren't giving them the YES they want. An ever demanding baby is a big fat NO to the one caring for them. The end result of this is kids being put in child care when the parents really don't need care.

How many of us have been upset because kid after kid that we care for have such a small amount of face time with their parents every day? How many of us have had kids who attend care nearly 52 weeks a year? How many kids do we have brought to us sick because the parents have used up all of their paid time off with ME days? How many of us realize as the years roll on that kid after kid have spent precious little vacation time with their parents?
How many of us have been asked to keep kids up all day long so that they drop dead to sleep as early as possible at night? How many of us have kids from open to close day after day... having parents use the maximum amount of hours they can possibly get in the contract? How many of us have seen the involvement of extended family in the care of kids dwindle down to nearly nonexistant after the baby reaches the age where they are mobile?

Why are children being shuned by this generation of parents? I think it's because this generation of parents can't accept the NO that is coming from the day to day care of their kids. They don't want to be around people who aren't giving them a YES and kids don't give a YES to parents until they have a childhood of NO'S that are enforced by the parents.

The parents don't want to give NO's to the child because there is a fall out from telling kids NO. You have to FIGHT THE FIGHT once you give a NO and that would be a NO to the parents at the moment peace and happines.

It's a bad deal and it's getting worse. It's very hard to find a client base that are willing to accept the NO's that come along with fair and reasonably paid good child care. It's very hard to find children who are being raised by parents willing to sacrifice their immediate happiness and FIGHT THE FIGHT that it takes to raise good strong stable BEHAVING and respectful children. It's very hard to find parents who are willing to do the work to provide healthy eating, sleeping, and basic manners and social behavior. That pool of parents is shrinking. They aren't impossible to find but the pool is getting smaller and smaller as we get closer and closer to the generation of parents who were raised with the "don't tell them no.. make your no into a YES or you will hurt their little feelings and self esteem". When we start working for the parents who have been raised with the "one minute of time out for every age"... "nobody gets to win in soccer... everybody gets a trophy"... "pass them in school whether they know the material or not... no child left behind"... When THESE parents are our entire customer base we are going to have a very messed up and unhappy profession. We are going to have a worse turnover and burn out than we have ever seen.

It can't work. A provider can't be sandwhiched into two generations of people who have to have a YES in order to be happy. To be a good provider you have to have NO'S in your contract and NO'S to the kids you care for. We can't be YES to everyone.. it's impossible.

As a side note... I have to really feel for the teachers who have 25 of these kids in their class. The only thing they have going for them is that their paycheck isn't going to be dependent on saying YES to each of the kids and saying YES to each parent. They don't have the pressure of knowing that each one of these "must have a Yes parents" don't hold a fifth/sixth or whatever percentage of their income. They also have a group of administrators there to give and reinforce the NO'S that come when you have your child in a large FREE public school.

They do have to BE with these kids seven hours a day though and that has to be getting a LOT harder to do. My friends that are teachers are telling me that it is hell for months when they start kids in the lower grades. They tell me they can tell which kids have been raised in a good strong home day care where they were made to mind and made to be independent in their play and work. They are the ones who really appreciate our hard work because we are one of the few segments of society that are making their jobs SO much easier.

So yes... I do see a difference with the younger parents and I believe it is because they are the front end of the "YES" generation.
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