Serious Pick Up Issues....Need Advice

[lilcupcakes09]

I have a 3 1/2 year old boy who turns uncontrollable at pick up! When his mother or father walks in my door, he turns into a completely different child. He throws toys at them, he runs away and hides, he starts trying to fight with the other kids, he even one day when we were outside, left the play area, ran inside my house, upstairs, and hid under my son's bed when his dad came. I had to go up there and drag him out and hand him off to his dad! It's absolutely insane, I dread when it is time for him to get picked up. During the day, he is respectful, helpful, kind, and quiet....I have no problems out of him. I have already discussed it with his parents, Mom says he did it at other daycare too....that he is just showing off, she has no authority when it comes to him, he kicks her, smacks her, spits at here. Supposedly Dad has a "talk" with him almost every week about this behavior but it changes nothing. Pick up takes almost 10 minutes by the time she stands there and calls for him 10 times, then finally comes to grab him, fights with him, and drags him out of the door kicking and screaming. That 10 minutes of the day makes me want to say "Bye Bye" but I know he needs the discipline I give him throughout the day because otherwise he does not have any!

[Evansmom]

I don't have any advice but I have had a boy like this and I chalked it up to permissive parenting. Not judging, but some parents have a hard time with following thru. I feel like the ones I had do this bc they have guilt from being away from them all day at work so they allow anything when they are with the kids which creates a monster.

The boy I had would be fine all day and then at pick up he would run to my son and attack him in front of his parent who did nothing. And if I spoke up the mother was mad I corrected her son in front of her. Yeah, had to term them.

That's just my opinion and observation from my experience.

Sorry you're going through this, it's perplexing.

[e.j.]

I had a neighbor whose nephew was enrolled in her day care. I subbed for her one day and this kid acted the same way your dck does. He was about the same age, too. When he saw his mother coming up my walk, he started throwing things and when she walked my front door, he ran to her to give her what I thought would be a hug. Instead, he gouged her chest with his fingernails. It went diagonally from one shoulder and down across her chest and was relatively deep. I was totally shocked when I saw what he had done to her! She didn't even react - which shocked me ever more. When I spoke with my neighbor about it later, she said, "Oh, yeah! Sorry. I forgot to warn you that he's like that. We have to have her sneak in the door at the end of the day because if he sees her coming he starts to act out."

The next day, after he was dropped off, I pulled him aside and very firmly told him that his behavior the day before was totally unacceptable. I told him that when his mother arrived to pick him up that night, I expected him to get ready quietly, not throw toys or anything else, for that matter, and that I expected him to walk calmly up to his mother, say hello to her and leave my house quietly. He was never, ever, to hurt his mother the way he did at my house the night before. I asked if he understood and he said he did. Just before pick up time, I asked if he remembered our discussion from that morning. He said he did. His mother came in, he behaved exactly as I told him he needed to and we had no issues for the rest of the week. Not saying you haven't tried speaking to him firmly and told him exactly what you expect from him in terms of behavior but just in case you haven't tried it, you might want to try. I was amazed at how well he behaved for me after that.

[KEG123]

Have him completely ready at pickup and just hand him over. Don't give him the chance to run around acting crazy. The only kids I ever had who acted like that were ones whose parents liked to stay at chat.

[KEG123]

And as HORRIBLE as this sounds, I had a chat with the little girl one day and said "Hey, listen here! You keep that up and I'll sit you in time out when you act like that!" (She was 3 and SO smart.) She just KNEW that when mommy came to pick her up, the rules were more relaxed and mommy wouldn't do anything about it. (I tried to let mommy handle it, but she dropped the ball)

[EAP]

Sounds like a transition issue. What has worked for me is to give a 5 minute warning before mom/dad arrive, say "Johnny, you have 5 minutes until mom gets here so finish your activity" set a clear expectation that when the parent arrives he will be given a specific task (sit at the table and play with....or look at a book) until his parent is ready to walk out. The 5 minute warning helps them prepare for the transition and the task will keep him from bouncing off the walls. Maybe a specific toy or activity for pick up only that he really likes. Good luck, I have had more than one child with these issues.

I would talk to one of the parents (after hours- maybe tell her you want her to call you at a certain time and if she doesn't call you that you will call her at a certain time) during the call tell them you are concerned about DCK's behavior, and that it not only affects you, them, and DCK but the other DCKs/DCF's (if other kids are around they may act out too) and let them know that if this continues you may have to let him go due to safety/boundrie issues (throwing toys/ going into an off limits area- if your son's room/upstairs is off limits). But i would try to come up with a plan with the parents on how to stop this behavior.

Your part will be preparing him transition from daycare to pick up. Maybe stop any "fun" activities about 10-15 minutes before pick up. Also like a PP said tell him that his behavior is unacceptable such as "how you behave when mom and dad pick you up is not okay. It makes them sad when you do that. I don't like when you act like that and if you keep doing that you will not be able to come to my house and play with your DC friends anymore." If you don't already I would also put a gate up on the stairs and let him know that he is not allowed in you son's room anymore until he can behave (unless it is off limits). Maybe if he can talk/communicate ask him why he does that and if he says something like he doesn't want to leave assure him that you do like it when he is there and that he will be back tomorrow or the day after (depending on his schedual) but if he continues acting like this he wont be allowed to come back. If he says mommy or daddy hurt him at home you may need to file a report.

Their part should be to be firm. Once the parents are their to pick him up he is their responsibility. About 5-15 minutes before they are supposed to pick him up have him do something that is fast by himself like drawing or a small puzzle/matching game to get him to transition from a big group to being the only kid (if he has no siblings). If possible he should also be ready to go (coat, shoes, everything packed up). At first keep reminding him every few minutes that mom or dad are going to come here soon and we are going to behave nicely by not throwing toys, not running to hide, and not hitting or saying mean things. Let the parents know that once they show up they need to show him that they are the boss like if he starts acting up don't say anything to him just pick him up take him outside and leave- if necessary he may need a time out (3 minutes) but outside of the daycare (drive way or in the car of no talking or responding to him until he comes down).

If you don't already I would also just add in your policies under guidence/dicipline/behavior issues (whatever you want to call it) that once the parents pick up the child that the child is once again their responsibility and that they need to address any drop-off/pick-up issues (without spanking while on your property- can cause issues with other parents if they see that) and also make sure that you point out this is why pick ups need to be fast as possible. if parent has something they need to discuss with the provider they need to tell you they need to set up an appointment/conference (in person or on the phone) after hours- without the the child present!

[snips&snails]

Sounds like a transition issue. What has worked for me is to give a 5 minute warning before mom/dad arrive, say "Johnny, you have 5 minutes until mom gets here so finish your activity" set a clear expectation that when the parent arrives he will be given a specific task (sit at the table and play with....or look at a book) until his parent is ready to walk out. The 5 minute warning helps them prepare for the transition and the task will keep him from bouncing off the walls. Maybe a specific toy or activity for pick up only that he really likes. Good luck, I have had more than one child with these issues.

LOL I was going to post this almost exactly

[Meyou]

I agree with a pp that said to sit the child down and explain what YOU expect from them at pickup and dropoff time. If Mom and Dad can't maintain control at the door then do it yourself.

I've done this before with several children. I tell the child in advance how I expect them to behave and the consequences of choosing not to behave (usually timeout). This can include yelling, hitting, not getting dressed, throwing themselves on the floor, running away etc etc. I also tell Mom and Dad that little Suzy and I are working on behavior at the door so if they could follow my lead that would be great. Then I take over and little Suzy learns to behave at the door very quickly. Mom and Dad are usually so grateful to have a "plan" that they figure out what to do themselves within a few days.

I have no problem AT ALL telling a child what to do when they're still in my home or on my property.

[countrymom]

yup agree with all the above. I tell them what I expect from them. and then give them a 5 min. warning.

I also do this with my own kids. Before we go into a place I tell them what i expect from them. It makes things run so smoothly and I get so many complaments on how well the kids behave.

[MamaG]

Originally Posted by KEG123

And as HORRIBLE as this sounds, I had a chat with the little girl one day and said "Hey, listen here! You keep that up and I'll sit you in time out when you act like that!" (She was 3 and SO smart.) She just KNEW that when mommy came to pick her up, the rules were more relaxed and mommy wouldn't do anything about it. (I tried to let mommy handle it, but she dropped the ball)

Same DCG I have does this. She is horrible for her mom at pickup! We now have a deal, if she is good at drop off and pickup she can borrow a stuffed toy and bring it back next time. I allow her to carry the thing all day also, if she is good. If not I take it away and she can't borrow it. We tried with a toy from home but she knew it was hers and she would get it back. We use my toy. Good luck!

[saved4always]

Maybe you could have mom call or text a few minutes before she will get to your house so you can have him all ready when she gets there. Maybe meet her at the door with him and hand him out the door to her? This sounds super stressful for you. If mom cannot take control of the situation, maybe you can, so at least it will be less stress and time for you.

[bunnyslippers]

I had a child who did this - he was three and a half. Pretty fine all day, then his pick-up person would arrive and he ran all over my house, played on the stairs, etc. His pich-up person was not the same day-to-day, so anytime I discussed with with them, I would have to repeat myself every time it was someone different.

I got to the point that if he misbehaved at pick-up, he would have a consequence at my house the next day, immediately upon arrival. It worked like a charm! After a week of missing free play in the morning and sitting at a table, we had no more issues at pick-up.

[lilcupcakes09]

I have tried the rewards system, if he is good and listened to mom I would give him a mint(his favorite), that lasted for a few days, I have told him before pick up to prepare him, telling him he needs to behave and go with mom when she says, he agrees until mom arrives. Today I am being firm, no rewards, if he doesn't listen I will be taking him by the hand and leading him to mom. If he runs I will not tolerate, I'm going to be stern! Mom will either be on board or get upset, but I have a feeling she will be okay with it since he is completely out of control with her. Then she will probably take him to the store to buy something for his bad behavior, love it!

[SquirrellyMama]

Originally Posted by EAP

Sounds like a transition issue. What has worked for me is to give a 5 minute warning before mom/dad arrive, say "Johnny, you have 5 minutes until mom gets here so finish your activity" set a clear expectation that when the parent arrives he will be given a specific task (sit at the table and play with....or look at a book) until his parent is ready to walk out. The 5 minute warning helps them prepare for the transition and the task will keep him from bouncing off the walls. Maybe a specific toy or activity for pick up only that he really likes. Good luck, I have had more than one child with these issues.

I agree also. I think calling this bad parenting is harsh especially if the kids is great during the day. I sometimes have this issue and try to take away the triggers. We put away all toys and I try to have them ready to go. I'll sometimes take them outside 10 minutes before parents come so there are fewer distractions.

K