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Old 06-03-2019, 03:05 PM
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Default Toddler Getting Spanked at Home

I have a pretty small group. Two girls (one year old and two year old) plus my daughter who is almost four years old. I have been caring for the two year old (J) since she was four months old. When I started my in-home daycare, I made it clear to parents that I wasn’t comfortable with discipline techniques like spanking. I practice attachment parenting. Well, J has had some aggression problems since she was about a year and a half old that seem to have gotten worse since the birth of her brother (she was an only child until then). I expected this as I have a degree in child development and know it’s hard for young toddlers to adjust to new siblings. When J hits or is aggressive at daycare, I find redirecting her and reminding her to be a good friend/gentle seems to work the best. Today, however, she’s had more aggression than usual and actually almost hit me in the face as I helped her use the potty (I blocked her hand). Later she was talking and said, “Baby brother cry. Mama spank me. Owie. Bad girl.” She’s talked before about taking her brother’s binky and him crying so I assume this is what happened and she got spanked as punishment. I know I can’t tell her parents how to discipline her, but I also know that spanking a child only increases their aggression and inconsistent discipline isn’t going to help resolve the issue. If I provided her parents with some resources/studies showing how there are better techniques than spanking, would I be overstepping boundaries? I feel like I’m headed towards terminating care if the aggression issues can’t be resolved.
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Old 06-03-2019, 04:30 PM
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Welcome to the forum. Discipline at home is something that can vary with each family/home. You are a mandatory reporter and there are guidelines you must follow. As long as there is no abuse you have no responsibility to tell the parents how to manage their child. It is your business and if you feel you can have a constructive conversation with them, you should do so. It may give you some insight into whether they have a future with you or should be terminated.
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Old 06-03-2019, 07:33 PM
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I have a private FB page for parents where I casually post articles I want parents to read. Do you have something like this? Are you friends with the parents on FB where you could share an article and they would see it? This is the only way I know to provide parenting resources without causing issues or to make sure people are not feeling singled out.

In your case however I would chat face to face, not about spanking but about the aggression and let them know she is hitting and nearly hit you. Make sure to mention that “we do not hit at daycare so you are not sure where she is getting this from...could it be from tv? What kinds of shows is she watching”? This way mom will understand how her hitting might be impacting her kid. I would also mention how difficult it can be for her kid to adjust to a new baby and really go into detail. Suggest they have a mom and daughter day or ask that mom take some special time to reconnect with her daughter.
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Old 06-04-2019, 05:06 AM
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American popular culture is only starting to recognize that spanking is not a disciplinary tool but a spirit-breaking tool. It's legal in the home but illegal in public schools and daycare--go figure. It would be overstepping and ineffective to try to persuade a spanking family to get on board with current thought on discipline.

While I'm located in the Bible Belt, I'm in a big city and it's not the culture here. I've only had one family who spanked (mercifully) and their children were a mess of anxiety and aggression while the parents were a mess of inattention and posturing. I think the spanking was probably a symptom of their off-kilter emotions and behavior instead of a cause of it.

In some families, spanking is traumatic for the children. In some families, I don't think it makes much difference. In either case, trying to change it is spitting into the wind. We'll have to wait one more generation for the practice to die out.

In the meantime, just deal with the behaviors that happen while on your turf. Aggression at this age is very typical as kids struggle to understand and communicate while on the cusp of mastering language.
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Old 06-04-2019, 05:08 AM
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If she provided you with the hundreds of articles on why attachment parenting is bad for a child's development how would you take it?

There are several parenting styles, she is entitled to parent her way.

If the family is a bad fit for you, then you are entitled to let them go.
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Old 06-04-2019, 05:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Herder View Post
If she provided you with the hundreds of articles on why attachment parenting is bad for a child's development how would you take it?

There are several parenting styles, she is entitled to parent her way.

If the family is a bad fit for you, then you are entitled to let them go.
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Old 06-04-2019, 07:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Herder View Post
If she provided you with the hundreds of articles on why attachment parenting is bad for a child's development how would you take it?

There are several parenting styles, she is entitled to parent her way.

If the family is a bad fit for you, then you are entitled to let them go.
BOOM. I agree. It’s not your place to tell a parent how to parent their children. What works for you may not work for the next person.
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Old 06-04-2019, 07:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Herder View Post
If she provided you with the hundreds of articles on why attachment parenting is bad for a child's development how would you take it?

There are several parenting styles, she is entitled to parent her way.

If the family is a bad fit for you, then you are entitled to let them go.
I agree I was just going to say the same.
I was spanked A LOT as a child, it no way made me aggressive. I never had issues with keeping my hands to myself.
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Old 06-04-2019, 07:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Herder View Post
If she provided you with the hundreds of articles on why attachment parenting is bad for a child's development how would you take it?

There are several parenting styles, she is entitled to parent her way.

If the family is a bad fit for you, then you are entitled to let them go.

YES!
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Old 06-04-2019, 09:10 AM
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Spanking her child is her choice and I don’t think it’s a daycare provider’s place to tell her how to discipline her child just like she shouldn’t tell you how to discipline yours.
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Old 06-04-2019, 09:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Herder View Post
If she provided you with the hundreds of articles on why attachment parenting is bad for a child's development how would you take it?

There are several parenting styles, she is entitled to parent her way.

If the family is a bad fit for you, then you are entitled to let them go.
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Old 06-04-2019, 01:04 PM
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I agree with the last few posters. Unless there are obvious signs of abuse, ie bruising, scratches, abrasions etc, then it really isn't your concern. I was not against giving my kids a womp on the butt once in a great while My son was 3 when I took him out of church after repeated attempts to get him to be still and behave. I took him out front and sternly told him what I expencted along with a firm hand on his butt (1 time and not hard at all) and he never acted that in church again. I may get slammed for this, but seems like there are some of my dck's that would benefit from a smack on the ole butt once in awhile. It's the don't say no, don't want to hear them cry generation.

I will say though that consistency is the key. Parents need to say what they mean and mean what they say. DCM picked up dcb 22 months yesterday. He had a toy in his hand. She asked him 5 times (I counted) to give it back to me, put it away etc). He didn't and clung to her. She says do we have to just bring it back tomorrow? I said, oh we don't want to start that. Junior give it to me please. He did. Any sort or resistance and they buckle. I'm getting sidetracked lol. My opinion. Keep your opinions to yourself because another thing is, you never know what kids say and how true they are. I had a kid one time say his dad tipped him upside down, put his head in the toilet and flushed. I knew dang well that wasn't true. Where he got that, who knows.
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Old 06-04-2019, 04:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Herder View Post
If she provided you with the hundreds of articles on why attachment parenting is bad for a child's development how would you take it?

There are several parenting styles, she is entitled to parent her way.

If the family is a bad fit for you, then you are entitled to let them go.
Yes!!! 👍
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Old 06-04-2019, 07:16 PM
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"where she is getting this from" - she doesn't get it from anywhere. It is her age+personality+jealousy.
I also am very careful about believing what little kids talk. They know what to say for getting attention. If you show her by your facial expression and intonation your feeling about the information she told you about, you should be ready to hear something alike very soon again.
in a situation like your, I would ask a child "do you know what makes your mommy so upset that she has done it?" and then refocused the child on the situation that was a reason for mom's action. Kids need to learn to see the connection between cause and effect as well as to learn to avoid the latter without committing the first.
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Old 06-05-2019, 07:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovemykidstoo View Post
I agree with the last few posters. Unless there are obvious signs of abuse, ie bruising, scratches, abrasions etc, then it really isn't your concern. I was not against giving my kids a womp on the butt once in a great while My son was 3 when I took him out of church after repeated attempts to get him to be still and behave. I took him out front and sternly told him what I expencted along with a firm hand on his butt (1 time and not hard at all) and he never acted that in church again. I may get slammed for this, but seems like there are some of my dck's that would benefit from a smack on the ole butt once in awhile. It's the don't say no, don't want to hear them cry generation.

I will say though that consistency is the key. Parents need to say what they mean and mean what they say. DCM picked up dcb 22 months yesterday. He had a toy in his hand. She asked him 5 times (I counted) to give it back to me, put it away etc). He didn't and clung to her. She says do we have to just bring it back tomorrow? I said, oh we don't want to start that. Junior give it to me please. He did. Any sort or resistance and they buckle. I'm getting sidetracked lol. My opinion. Keep your opinions to yourself because another thing is, you never know what kids say and how true they are. I had a kid one time say his dad tipped him upside down, put his head in the toilet and flushed. I knew dang well that wasn't true. Where he got that, who knows.
I agree, I think sometimes butt whoopings are deserved. My children have received them a time or 2 and they are extremely well behaved, well mannered, well adjusted children. I receive compliments from people all the time when we are out to dinner or out in public because I don’t play those games. Most of my daycare kids would benefit from a hand to the butt, maybe they wouldn’t act they way the do 🤷🏼*♀️ But it’s not my place.
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Old 06-05-2019, 08:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ac114 View Post
I agree, I think sometimes butt whoopings are deserved. My children have received them a time or 2 and they are extremely well behaved, well mannered, well adjusted children. I receive compliments from people all the time when we are out to dinner or out in public because I don’t play those games. Most of my daycare kids would benefit from a hand to the butt, maybe they wouldn’t act they way the do ����*♀️ But it’s not my place.
No judgement from me! I just want to say my kids are likewise well behaved and well adjusted and I also get compliments but they are not spanked. I think the common denominator is consequences for actions. Whatever consequence you choose is up to you. I think kids could definitely use more consequences for bad behavior.

I also think there is nothing wrong with sharing resources because maybe there is some new information that a parent didn’t know before. It’s definitely helped me to read plenty of articles!! Maybe a parent thinks that’s their only choice and it makes them feel guilty. You never know who an article or resource might help.
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attachment issues, attachment parenting, attachment parenting problems, parenting goals, parenting styles, punishment - carried over from home, spanking

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