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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Ideas On Taming Behavior
playfulheart 12:09 PM 03-25-2014
I have one dcb who is 6 and has been very defiant lately. When i started watching this family three years ago, he was being treated for leukemia and jsut placed i his dad's care. He is in remission, 
, and has been for about a year and a half. He has been acting out, hitting/punching the other kids, backtalking me when I correct him, timeouts just have not worked. He will get out, walk over to the nearest child and hit again. His sister is one of his targets, however, she will also be the first to defend him, which I understand with his illness, but it is no excuse for his behavior. My daughter is tired of getting hit, having him tease her, or just plain get in her face and bother her. She has started hitting back, I am trying to teach her a better way to handle her emotions and redirect her anger, hitting a pillow, deep breathing, walking away if she can. I am trying to get a plan of action to stop the behavior and work towards a healthier way of handling emotions. DCD has mentioned possible counseling, but seems so busy, that one more thing on his plate is next to impossible. I am trying to restore the peace in my home, I do not want to terminate because I know the extenuating circumstances and feel one more person turning their back on him will make things worse in the long run.
, and has been for about a year and a half. He has been acting out, hitting/punching the other kids, backtalking me when I correct him, timeouts just have not worked. He will get out, walk over to the nearest child and hit again. His sister is one of his targets, however, she will also be the first to defend him, which I understand with his illness, but it is no excuse for his behavior. My daughter is tired of getting hit, having him tease her, or just plain get in her face and bother her. She has started hitting back, I am trying to teach her a better way to handle her emotions and redirect her anger, hitting a pillow, deep breathing, walking away if she can. I am trying to get a plan of action to stop the behavior and work towards a healthier way of handling emotions. DCD has mentioned possible counseling, but seems so busy, that one more thing on his plate is next to impossible. I am trying to restore the peace in my home, I do not want to terminate because I know the extenuating circumstances and feel one more person turning their back on him will make things worse in the long run.
Blackcat31 12:18 PM 03-25-2014
Welcome to the forum. 
Hitting by a 6 yr old is NOT acceptable.
You can't use his illness as an excuse...which I am guessing has been the way it has been. My BFF has a DD with leukemia and that is exactly how she behaved too.... for so long everyone was so worried about her that she basically got away with anything but honestly, that is not ok.
Allowing your own child as well as ANY other DCK to be hit by this child is not acceptable.
I also understand that you feel dad has enough on his plate already but he is still the parent and still needs to do the right thing.
Exhausted, over worked, stressed out or not...his child is still his responsibility.
If I were a parent of a child in your care and my child was getting hit by a 6 yr old, I would pull my child immediately.
His previous medical history does NOT mean others should have to endure his physical aggression.
I think you should REQUIRE dad to seek counseling for the boy and if he refuses or doesn't have time, I would not continue to care for the child.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I know first hand how hard these kinds of things can be but you have to remember you have an obligation to provide a safe environment for ALL the kids you have in care.
Hitting by a 6 yr old is NOT acceptable.
You can't use his illness as an excuse...which I am guessing has been the way it has been. My BFF has a DD with leukemia and that is exactly how she behaved too.... for so long everyone was so worried about her that she basically got away with anything but honestly, that is not ok.
Allowing your own child as well as ANY other DCK to be hit by this child is not acceptable.
I also understand that you feel dad has enough on his plate already but he is still the parent and still needs to do the right thing.
Exhausted, over worked, stressed out or not...his child is still his responsibility.
If I were a parent of a child in your care and my child was getting hit by a 6 yr old, I would pull my child immediately.
His previous medical history does NOT mean others should have to endure his physical aggression.
I think you should REQUIRE dad to seek counseling for the boy and if he refuses or doesn't have time, I would not continue to care for the child.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I know first hand how hard these kinds of things can be but you have to remember you have an obligation to provide a safe environment for ALL the kids you have in care.
Heidi 12:19 PM 03-25-2014
http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/
Try this website. They have a lot of good resources for social competence.
Try this website. They have a lot of good resources for social competence.
playfulheart 12:51 PM 03-25-2014
Blackcat, what did your friend do with her daughter? I do not let him get away with it. I put him in timeout, separate him from the group, explain why it is unacceptable, it just doesn't seem to sink in. Dad says he has talks with him at home and has shared that he was acting out in school as well. He is still on sterhoid treatment and know rhoid rage is possible, but it continues after drs say it should be out of his system. I will be bringing up therapy again and plan on focusing more on talking out our feelings. If I see him get angry, get him out of the situation and to label and tell me why. I have already started with my daughter on using her words and walking away when she is frustrated, hitting a pillow if need be until she can better control herself. It started out as just here and there and in the last month or so, has become so out of hand.
And thank you for the link, I am looking there as well. I search a lot the last few days trying to find some ideas to try. I would like to keep this family if I can make progress on his behavior.
And thank you for the link, I am looking there as well. I search a lot the last few days trying to find some ideas to try. I would like to keep this family if I can make progress on his behavior.
Leigh 01:12 PM 03-25-2014
"one more person turning their back on him will make things worse in the long run."
Please don't let the parents make this YOUR problem. It is THEIR problem. If you keep enabling the parents by providing services to them, they will never address the problem. They'll only fix it if it becomes an inconvenience to THEM. It sounds harsh, but I've been there. And I am NEVER going there again! No matter what YOU do, the fact is that the parents have to address the issue. Since they have not (MENTIONING counseling does not equate to attending and following a plan), terming is the best thing to do for you and the other kids. You can't let a 6 year old beat up other kids at your home.
A 6 year old that hit at my home once would never have a chance to do it again. It's hard to let go, but it needs to be done. You'll probably do more for this child by terming than you can ever do by keeping him by forcing the parents to address the issue.
You simply can't change his behaviors if the parents are not 100% on board. Because they have not yet done anything to change the situation, I truly doubt they will ever really work with you to solve the problem.
Please don't let the parents make this YOUR problem. It is THEIR problem. If you keep enabling the parents by providing services to them, they will never address the problem. They'll only fix it if it becomes an inconvenience to THEM. It sounds harsh, but I've been there. And I am NEVER going there again! No matter what YOU do, the fact is that the parents have to address the issue. Since they have not (MENTIONING counseling does not equate to attending and following a plan), terming is the best thing to do for you and the other kids. You can't let a 6 year old beat up other kids at your home.
A 6 year old that hit at my home once would never have a chance to do it again. It's hard to let go, but it needs to be done. You'll probably do more for this child by terming than you can ever do by keeping him by forcing the parents to address the issue.
You simply can't change his behaviors if the parents are not 100% on board. Because they have not yet done anything to change the situation, I truly doubt they will ever really work with you to solve the problem.
daycare 01:29 PM 03-25-2014
my family is going through this right now. My cousin who is more like my brother just lost his daughter. She was only 5.
they have a younger child too who just turned 4
Long story short, they did not discipline her at all during her time of illness nor the younger child. now that the sister has passed my brother and wife are not disciplining my nephew at all because they feel so bad for him that he had to watch his sister die and now she is gone. he is bar far the worst child I have seen in my whole life. They do not make him go to bed, sit to eat, they let him hit others including adults, grandparents, strangers etc. He spits on people, screams, bites, kicks, will not listen at all, runs out in the street, curses and then They take him to buy toys every day. They are going about this situation entirely the wrong way.
I can not stand to be at their house long due to this horrible parenting and behavior of my nephew.
Long story short, I don't know if you are going to get anywhere with the parents on this. You may have no choice but to let this child go. At this age, this is learned behavior and the child knows better and I am sure that the parents are dealing with it similar to how my family is dealing with it...
Sorry that you are having to deal with this.
they have a younger child too who just turned 4
Long story short, they did not discipline her at all during her time of illness nor the younger child. now that the sister has passed my brother and wife are not disciplining my nephew at all because they feel so bad for him that he had to watch his sister die and now she is gone. he is bar far the worst child I have seen in my whole life. They do not make him go to bed, sit to eat, they let him hit others including adults, grandparents, strangers etc. He spits on people, screams, bites, kicks, will not listen at all, runs out in the street, curses and then They take him to buy toys every day. They are going about this situation entirely the wrong way.
I can not stand to be at their house long due to this horrible parenting and behavior of my nephew.
Long story short, I don't know if you are going to get anywhere with the parents on this. You may have no choice but to let this child go. At this age, this is learned behavior and the child knows better and I am sure that the parents are dealing with it similar to how my family is dealing with it...
Sorry that you are having to deal with this.
Blackcat31 02:09 PM 03-25-2014
Originally Posted by playfulheart:
Blackcat, what did your friend do with her daughter? I do not let him get away with it. I put him in timeout, separate him from the group, explain why it is unacceptable, it just doesn't seem to sink in. Dad says he has talks with him at home and has shared that he was acting out in school as well. He is still on sterhoid treatment and know rhoid rage is possible, but it continues after drs say it should be out of his system. I will be bringing up therapy again and plan on focusing more on talking out our feelings. If I see him get angry, get him out of the situation and to label and tell me why. I have already started with my daughter on using her words and walking away when she is frustrated, hitting a pillow if need be until she can better control herself. It started out as just here and there and in the last month or so, has become so out of hand.
And thank you for the link, I am looking there as well. I search a lot the last few days trying to find some ideas to try. I would like to keep this family if I can make progress on his behavior.
My friend set up a reward system. Each time her DD behaved as she was expected to, she earned a star for the day. If she had a good day and made appropriate choices, she earned a reward (movie before bedtime, extra time in the bath etc) but if she had a bad day or made negative choices, she lost a privilege such as staying up later than her younger sister, loss of TV time, etc.Blackcat, what did your friend do with her daughter? I do not let him get away with it. I put him in timeout, separate him from the group, explain why it is unacceptable, it just doesn't seem to sink in. Dad says he has talks with him at home and has shared that he was acting out in school as well. He is still on sterhoid treatment and know rhoid rage is possible, but it continues after drs say it should be out of his system. I will be bringing up therapy again and plan on focusing more on talking out our feelings. If I see him get angry, get him out of the situation and to label and tell me why. I have already started with my daughter on using her words and walking away when she is frustrated, hitting a pillow if need be until she can better control herself. It started out as just here and there and in the last month or so, has become so out of hand.
And thank you for the link, I am looking there as well. I search a lot the last few days trying to find some ideas to try. I would like to keep this family if I can make progress on his behavior.
It was really hard going at first but since her DD had already been through so much in her short life, she knew that tough love and consistent routines NO MATTER WHAT made all the difference.
When others got on my friend for being so strict, my friend would always say "She is going to live a long and happy life rather than make excuses for what she's been through, I need to prepare her to be a functioning and proper adult now."
If I were in your shoes, I would insist that dad find some sort of counseling for the child. It wouldn't be a bad idea if he went too so he could learn how to effectively deal with everything he has on his plate right now.
I've allowed child therapists to do visits in my child care before. Sometimes they can offer YOU (the caregiver) some good ideas, tips and suggestions about how to deal with DCB's behavior as well.
Hang in there....you seem to really care a lot about this boy and that is awesome! Just remember doing the right thing, no matter how tough is still the right thing and you won't be doing this DCB any favors if you let him use anything as an excuse for hitting others.
That has to STOP immediately. If he does it at daycare, I would have him shadow you the rest of the day. NO activity out of your sight. He needs to earn your trust. Start each day over. Find small (but significant) ways to reward him when he does make the right choices.
Wubby 03:02 PM 03-25-2014
I have a 4 yr old that is having some of these same issues. Hitting, taking toys, pushing, ect. His family has been through a nasty divorce, as soon as this behavior started, mom put him in counseling. The counselor suggested reward instead of discipline.
I made a sign, like a stop sign,with 2 signs on each color, so they have a visual.
Green is" I'm on Wubby's happy list" and "I'm having a good day.
Yellow is "THINK- T= is it true, H= is it helpful, I=is it inspiring, N= is it necessary, K= is it kind" and "OOPS I'm not making wise choices".
Red is "I had a few problems to, but I will try harder tomorrow" and " Today I am on the naughty list, but I'm sure tomorrow will be better"
I bought clothes pins and had all the kids( counselor suggested to make it daycare wide, so he wouldn't feel alienated) color and put their names on it.
Whoever hasn't been on red that week, gets to take from the treasure box. Just a couple weeks of no treasure chest and he has not been on red for 5 weeks now. He says to mom everyday " Look mom, I'm on green (or yellow), but no more reds for me."
I made a sign, like a stop sign,with 2 signs on each color, so they have a visual.
Green is" I'm on Wubby's happy list" and "I'm having a good day.
Yellow is "THINK- T= is it true, H= is it helpful, I=is it inspiring, N= is it necessary, K= is it kind" and "OOPS I'm not making wise choices".
Red is "I had a few problems to, but I will try harder tomorrow" and " Today I am on the naughty list, but I'm sure tomorrow will be better"
I bought clothes pins and had all the kids( counselor suggested to make it daycare wide, so he wouldn't feel alienated) color and put their names on it.
Whoever hasn't been on red that week, gets to take from the treasure box. Just a couple weeks of no treasure chest and he has not been on red for 5 weeks now. He says to mom everyday " Look mom, I'm on green (or yellow), but no more reds for me."
cheerfuldom 06:14 AM 03-26-2014
I would put the family on probation and insist there is some plan of action placed by the PARENTS immediately. There is no way in HELL I would allow a child here that is hurting my kids.....no way! I would term a child for hurting anyone but definitely for hurting my own kids. Your home should be a sanctuary for your family. I don't understand how it seems you are being more protective over this daycare boy than your own daughter. This boy is not your child. I understand you care for him but it is not your problem to solve. I dont care how busy the parents seem, their kids should come first!
EntropyControlSpecialist 12:52 PM 03-26-2014
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
I would put the family on probation and insist there is some plan of action placed by the PARENTS immediately. There is no way in HELL I would allow a child here that is hurting my kids.....no way! I would term a child for hurting anyone but definitely for hurting my own kids. Your home should be a sanctuary for your family. I don't understand how it seems you are being more protective over this daycare boy than your own daughter. This boy is not your child. I understand you care for him but it is not your problem to solve. I dont care how busy the parents seem, their kids should come first!
I would put the family on probation and insist there is some plan of action placed by the PARENTS immediately. There is no way in HELL I would allow a child here that is hurting my kids.....no way! I would term a child for hurting anyone but definitely for hurting my own kids. Your home should be a sanctuary for your family. I don't understand how it seems you are being more protective over this daycare boy than your own daughter. This boy is not your child. I understand you care for him but it is not your problem to solve. I dont care how busy the parents seem, their kids should come first!
exactly.
Cradle2crayons 01:00 PM 03-26-2014
Originally Posted by Wubby:
I have a 4 yr old that is having some of these same issues. Hitting, taking toys, pushing, ect. His family has been through a nasty divorce, as soon as this behavior started, mom put him in counseling. The counselor suggested reward instead of discipline.
I made a sign, like a stop sign,with 2 signs on each color, so they have a visual.
Green is" I'm on Wubby's happy list" and "I'm having a good day.
Yellow is "THINK- T= is it true, H= is it helpful, I=is it inspiring, N= is it necessary, K= is it kind" and "OOPS I'm not making wise choices".
Red is "I had a few problems to, but I will try harder tomorrow" and " Today I am on the naughty list, but I'm sure tomorrow will be better"
I bought clothes pins and had all the kids( counselor suggested to make it daycare wide, so he wouldn't feel alienated) color and put their names on it.
Whoever hasn't been on red that week, gets to take from the treasure box. Just a couple weeks of no treasure chest and he has not been on red for 5 weeks now. He says to mom everyday " Look mom, I'm on green (or yellow), but no more reds for me."
My kids school has a color system also... It's called PBIS... Positive behavior intervention support.. And they beat tested it years ago and won a nation wide award for the concept...I have a 4 yr old that is having some of these same issues. Hitting, taking toys, pushing, ect. His family has been through a nasty divorce, as soon as this behavior started, mom put him in counseling. The counselor suggested reward instead of discipline.
I made a sign, like a stop sign,with 2 signs on each color, so they have a visual.
Green is" I'm on Wubby's happy list" and "I'm having a good day.
Yellow is "THINK- T= is it true, H= is it helpful, I=is it inspiring, N= is it necessary, K= is it kind" and "OOPS I'm not making wise choices".
Red is "I had a few problems to, but I will try harder tomorrow" and " Today I am on the naughty list, but I'm sure tomorrow will be better"
I bought clothes pins and had all the kids( counselor suggested to make it daycare wide, so he wouldn't feel alienated) color and put their names on it.
Whoever hasn't been on red that week, gets to take from the treasure box. Just a couple weeks of no treasure chest and he has not been on red for 5 weeks now. He says to mom everyday " Look mom, I'm on green (or yellow), but no more reds for me."
They start each day on green... If they get a warning they move to yellow..l but if they do something really good they move back to green... It gives them a visual and also gives them a chance to realize they can be rewarded for good also...
Green is good day and where every child starts the day...
They can move up to:::
Blue means great choices
Purple means all star
Or they can move down to
Yellow means warning
Orange means too Many warnings resulting in a recess ten minute time out at the fence
Red means possible parent contact or principal contact and loss of afternoon snack time
Black means office referal, or possible corporal punishment (yes they do that here)
I have sort of the same system here... I use clothes pins like the school and each child has to move their own clip so it teaches hey are responsible...
playfulheart 06:40 AM 03-27-2014
I am not being more protective over him. He has always been put in timeout and separated from the others. Since she has started hitting, not just when hit first, I know it is an issue that will continue, so I would like to try something different to try to solve the issue before i term. Dcd has been alerted and has said he will help. I am just trying to get some fresh ideas. I like the shadowing for the whole day and am thinking how to revamp my behavior chart to make it more motivating.