So about a week and a half ago my sweet daycare mom asks me if anyone is giving me a baby shower. (It's my third child, but the first girl =) I told her no, not yet. (I've really wanted one, but of course haven't asked anybody.) She offered to get a group of friends together to go to lunch and she'd send out invitations.

I sent her the list of invites on Monday and gave her two of my friends email addresses who I thought would like to help her. I texted one of the friends today to ask if she'd gotten an email and she said no. I told her about DCM offering to throw the shower and I gave her DCM's email. I told my friend (who stays home) that she's a working mother with a lot on her plate. Do you think it was rude of me to give my friend DCM's email to ask about the shower? Am I being too up front? My friend said she was thinking about it anyways. Would DCM be offended if SAHM takes the initiative?

I hope I'm not being pushy, I was just really excited when she offered. I don't have a ton of baby girl stuff yet, and am super happy to be having a daughter. =)

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I would LOVE a DCM to throw me a shower! I'm due Aug 9th with a boy (I have a 2yr old daughter). So far no family or friends have offered to throw one yet I wouldn't say you are being pushy or anything, you're just wanting to make sure she follows through since it is a pretty big deal. Did she say what date she was going to do it?

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First of all, congrats!
I wouldn't feel bad. You could just ask her if she got the email from your friend about the baby shower and that your friend offered to throw a shower too and you weren't expecting it so you gave her her email to see if both of them could do it together.

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I've said it before... but I think showers are tacky...

Personally, I do think it was rude of you to have your friend email the DCM who offered to throw you a shower. You said DCM is a working mom with alot on her plate - and it's only been a week and a half since she even asked you about the shower. I'm sure your lunch date isn't her top priority, but I'm also sure she didn't offer just to do nothing about it. How about being polite and waiting?

If I was DCM I would be pissed that you tried to have your friends take over something *I* offered, and they clearly did not

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I'd feel annoyed, too, as well as pressured.

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I agree.
In our area/circle showers after the first child are frowned upon, so I would have politely refused dc mom. But since you didn't the best thing to do is let her do the work without feeling pressured.

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Maybe times are changing, but typically showers are only for the first born, and the parents are not supposed to initiate or take part in the planning.

I would not have done anything more than feel appreciative that your DCM thinks enough of you to attempt to throw a shower.

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My mom and sister refused to throw me a baby shower with my son because he was adopted (straight from,the hospital) and my daughter was five and we had NOTHING. so we ended up having to go and get everything ourselves.

So I think it's sweet for someone to throw you a shower, especially considering this one is a different sex.

I don't the what you did was wrong. The Dcm told you she was doing it. You were probably thinking the friend could help etc.

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This is true where I live, too, and many of my friends who live in other states feel the same way. I just didn't know how to word it in my response above so I left it out. After baby #1 (whether you had a shower or not), showers are not normal here.

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Call me crazy but isn't this part of having a child??!
I couldn't imagine thinking that other people were going to help us with our kiddo. We bought everything ourselves... and prepared for that!

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I don't expect anything from anyone. I was talking to bf about feeling a little guilty when I buy things for LO. He said I shouldn't bother buying anything because people will probably end up giving me most of it. First, I am not depending on anyone to provide for my child, possibly to be left hanging. Second, why wouldn't I buy things for my baby? Isn't that a large part of being a parent?

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Geesh that was a little crude lol. First of all, my family has never helped us with anything. They didn't even barely raise me, I raised myself. My point was that they would have had a baby shower for me but BECAUSE I ADOPTED they believed it wasn't as important. My mom was never supportive of our decision to adopt because my sister (the golden child) was unable to have more than one child. As was I. I had an emergency hysterectomy when my daughter was 1.5.

I bought everything myself for the first one other than a few outfits and the baby bathtub I got at my small baby shower.

We were PREPARED to buy and did but everything ourselves... But as my post said... They assumed I didn't deserve a baby shower because I wasn't actually pregnant with him.

Your post was rude and you for some reason assume that people feel entitled to a baby shower just so they don't have to spend money??

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Yes, and I'm sure some people get a LOT for baby showers. But where I come from baby showers don't provide EVERYTHING you need to take care of a baby. And awe never feel guilty for buying all that cute stuff!!! Go buy more!! Tell bf I said so

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I'm sorry your family was/is unsupportive of your adopted child - but I fail to see how my post was crude or rude. You said, and I quote "we ended up having to go and get everything ourselves" - which to me indicates you were not prepared for the idea that you would have to provide items for your own child. I really do feel that having a child entails providing everything they need on your own.

And yes, I do feel showers are about gifts - this is why I do not attend them and I did not have one myself. If a person wants to give a parent or new child a gift, that's wonderful - but I think the idea of a party simply to get gifts is tacky. Mind you, this is coming from someone who refused birthday parties, even as a child. Don't even get me started on how disgusted gift registries for bridal/baby showers make me!
I think a party AFTER a child is born, to introduce them to the world is much more appropriate.

Again, this is my own personal opinion and you don't have to agree with it. But please, understand, I wasn't being rude.

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I always have and always will provide not only for my kids, but my step kids, and unfortunately lots of other neighborhood kids.

Yes I'm responsible and other than the five presents at my only baby shower, I've provided everything. I expected that. That's kind of a huge duh for me and a pet peeve that people refuse to provide for their own kids, even when they can afford to.

But I still think its a bit rude to assume because people enjoy baby showers they feel entitled and then that means they don't have to provide everything for their kids.

That's just plain silly.

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Only first borns get showers?!?!?! How sad. Doesn't make any sense to me. I had showers for all 4 of my children and I appreciated every single one of them.

I had no part in their planning and my friends/family went to great lengths and ingenuity to keep them secret from me. I still giggle at some of the great lies they told me to get me there.

One was at my own house... a friend asked me to come over to her house because her daughter was having a hard time with her French lesson and could I tutor for a few minutes. She lived 15 minutes away but I said yes. I thought 'aha, a baby shower for me!" But, nope, I tutored her and I went home. When I opened my front door, my house was full of friends and family, all decorated, tons of food and a cake. And, presents!!! I was shocked and so happy.

I think a baby shower is a great way to show you that you really care for them and their new baby. Who cares if its the first born or the tenth?

I don't think it was rude of you to ask your friend about the email.

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I think that you should have asked DCM first about whether it was okay to pass her info on to your friend. Other than that detail I don't see what the big deal is. Who knows, maybe DCM appreciates you so much she wanted to do something nice because she thought no one else would but she may feel grateful to have help or even to not have to handle it at all afterall if your friend steps in (being that she's busy). She asked, she offered, nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with your friend helping out either.

As far as a babyshower for only the first born goes ... I am clearly out of that loop. I've never heard of that. I'm on my third pregnancy (due August 3rd) and I had babyshowers for*both earlier pregnancies. I have one scheduled for this pregnancy too even though I've said that we don't need anything but my MIL and mom insist that we have one anyway. I think it would be nice to have everyone together. BTW we have babyshowers that are family friendly and co-ed. Men and kids are welcomed. We don't open the gifts at the shower etc. It's more like a BBQ.

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Same here, baby showers aren't known here as an attempt to get out of providing for their baby, as apparently some areas believe?? Lol

To me, it didnt matter how much or how little I got, I just felt special that they thought of me yanno?? I didn't register, I figured with a first baby whatever they got would be appreciated either way and you can rarely have too much!!

At the hospital I work at, we had another nurse who was pregnant with her third girl, she had all the girl stuff, so we had her just a DIAPER SHOWER. We got her nothing but diapers. We organized it where we all got certain sizes.... A few got newborn, the rest got size ones and size twos.... She was so surprised and grateful!!

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Yeah, that's not what happens here at all. Showers are women only, with "games" and gifts are opened at the event. I would much rather wait until after baby is born and go visit (briefly) with a gift than have to spend 3 hours of my weekend at a shower.

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I just received an invitation for a baby shower. The registry information was included on the actual invite along with the registry cards. I looked up the registry and the couple has registered for a $400 crib, $200 changing table, $150 play gym, etc. etc. There was *nothing* on the registry under $50 and this is, unfortunately, common.

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Where I'm from people give baby showers for every pregnancy no matter how many kid you have. I don't think its all about getting everything you need for the baby because that's one of the joys for me going baby shopping. I think its a way for Mom to be pampered and center of attention for one last time. I don't know about everyone else, but here once the baby is born of course its all about them. We have 3 adopted children and my family gave me showers for each one just to show that they were welcoming them into the family and their baby books will have the same pictures as my 2 bio children. We even adopted a little girl at 2 and they gave us a "toddler shower"

We don't see it as getting just gifts but another way for family and friends to come together and celebrate a joyous occasion

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Oh my. I'd NEVER do that. It's common here to receive the registry with the invite however I would never think about asking for anything that expensive . We purchased all of the furniture ourselves and just asked for items like baby care items (nail clipper, brush/comb, etc.), diapering supplies like ointment and wipes (no diapers, we use cloth), maybe a baby monitor etc. We asked for items under $20. Even then if I remember correctly our registry cards specifically said that the items on our registry were only gift suggestions and that a gift was not necessary, we only requested their presence. We included the men and the kids in family games, had a bounce house for the kids, kid friendly food and drinks etc. ... it was a day long event but like I said, it was more of a BBQ where we all got to mingle and see family that we hadn't seen in a while and we got to have our friends get together. It was more about the company than it was about anything else KWIM. Asking for pricey items seems a little rude to me. I registered at Target and Amazon and chose items that were a "good deal" lol. I even made it a point to avoid Babies R Us because they have the same items that Target had for much less money. Asking for items $50 and up seems pretentious to me.

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I think you could haven given mom another week to initiate contact but honestly if I was mom I wouldn't have minded. Many people do baby showers in conjuction with family members or friends so its not a problem for your friend to introduce herself and offer assistance.

It is totally acceptable to have multipkle baby showers. I think many people forget the purpose of a baby shower is to celebrate the upcoming miracle of the birth of a child. Also giving unto others is always an awesome thing to do. If your sole purpose of having a baby shower is to only receive( which I don't think is your purpose) then consideration of others might need to be reveluated but if you want to have 5 baby showers for 5 kids awesome!!!!
In my culture we have a naming ceremony and baby blessing for every cghild. Gifts are given and good times are had! Baby showers are similar!

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When I had a shower for my first I got flack for not putting anything above $30 on the registry. I had not expected my work or my husband's work to do collections and buy a group gift. I was told it would have been a whole lot easier for them to go get one large item then a cart full of small gifts. Sometimes familes go together on a larger gift as well. I still would not have been comfortable putting large ticket items on it though.

Here there is only a shower for the first. Many have multiple showers. Work. Mom's side. Dad's side. Friends. Gets a little crazy.

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Wow it shocks me how some people on here feel about baby showers. So if you're against giving gifts at baby showers, are you against bridal showers, kids' birthday parties, and gifts at Christmas too?!

Maybe it's because I'm pregnant with my 2nd and it's a different gender than my first, but I was hoping to have a shower this pregnancy just because I don't have anything for a boy at all. It's not that I can't afford things, but any time a friend or family member is pregnant I always buy them a gift around $20-50 depending on close we are, whether they have a shower or not. I'd be fine if my friends who have boys and are done having kids gave me their hand-me-down clothes or toys or whatever they're done using. And when I registered I had items that cost any where from $2-$200 because I worked with people who wanted to go in on one larger gift instead of each buying something, and my grandparents wanted to buy something nice but didn't know what so I just put it on my registry.

I'm sorry so many people are being so mean/negative to you on this post. If someone cares enough about you to want to celebrate you and your child, let them!!! I don't have anyone close in my life anymore, so no one's offered. I think that's what saddens me more than not having one and getting free stuff. I thought I had family and friends that cared, but considering I have 11 weeks left and no one's offered I guess not. I even discussed wanting to have one with the only 2 friends I have, and neither offered which kind of hurt my feelings. I wish my DCMs cared enough about me to offer but I guess I'm just not that close to them.

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There needs to be a PC book for baby showers. It seems like you're going to offend somebody either way you go. I'm probably going to offend people by not thinking its okay to throw my own...whatever

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I'm sorry, but I didn't see anyone being mean or even negative. Just because you don't agree with something doesn't mean you're being mean or rude.

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I guess I just don't understand the underlined - because no one has mentioned throwing you a shower, that must mean they don't care about you?
Usually after the second baby is born people will stop by (usually bearing gifts) but most assume you have what you need for baby.

I DESPISE wedding showers. DESPISE. They made sense when couple married right out of their parents house - it was a nice way to help them get started. Now, young professionals who are probably already living together/purchased their own home are getting engagement parties, bridal showers and then the actual wedding. And there's a registry for each event! The last bridal shower I was invited to the couple were registered for an X-Box...cause yeah, you NEED one of those I was asked to be a bridesmaid recently and politely declined - mostly because the thought of having to plan/host/pay for a shower in addition to all the other expenses involved.

Birthday parties, to me anyway, are a different beast then showers. No one registers for gifts, or expects large ticket items.

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My sister (and others I know) put a lot of high end items on her list because after baby was born she received what wasn't bought at 25% off! Pretty good deal if you ask me. Registries are a suggestion not a demand. Gender and season specific sleepers are cheap....a card and a book are also a cheap thoughtful idea to say "CONGRATULATIONS".

Also, I've never been to a shower, sprinkle, or welcome baby celebration where I thought the mother/family was expecting others to buy everything for their 1st or 7th baby. Silly.

This must be a regional thing.

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And that's fine, provided there are other, more reasonably priced items on there AND/OR the person being showered isn't throwing a fit over not getting certain items (yep, seen it happen )

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Bingo!
I celebrate every child that is born and so do many others. You don't need a baby shower to celebrate a child. That just seems a little bit entitled, in my personal opinion.
Around here, "sip and see" parties are popular for every baby after #1. You come and meet the child after they're born and celebrate with the mother. Gifts can be brought but no registry is made.

I don't see anyone being mean either.

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Can also be a cultural thing. Some cultures do not believe in giving gifts until after the baby is born. In the Chinese culture there is a celebration when the child turns one month old.

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A baby shower should be a happy thing- Im glad your DCM and friend are thinking of you and that you have a wonderful shower!!

On this note, though, I agree- I can't stand when a registry is filled with expensive things- makes me a bit angry that a person would expect those sorts of things. That's for close family to maybe chip in to provide, or the expecting parents, IMO!

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Wow, I guess I opened a can of worms on this whole baby shower thing! Thank you to those of you who have congratulated me and shown your support. It's not that I feel "entitled" to a baby shower. I just enjoy them and think they are fun. I've never had a baby shower with any of my three kids. My first son was born shortly after we moved to a new city and I didn't have many friends, and my second was another boy so I guess no one thought to give me one. I did receive several gifts after he was born though. And my parents have been more than generous to us in helping out with things for our kids. (Not that we can't provide on our own, they have just enjoyed helping us along the way.) When someone mentioned giving me a shower for my baby girl I was excited! It is common where I live to have smaller showers for the second and third child. I think you described it perfectly:


[quote=MarinaVanessa;356408]I think that you should have asked DCM first about whether it was okay to pass her info on to your friend. Other than that detail I don't see what the big deal is. Who knows, maybe DCM appreciates you so much she wanted to do something nice because she thought no one else would but she may feel grateful to have help or even to not have to handle it at all afterall if your friend steps in (being that she's busy). She asked, she offered, nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with your friend helping out either.

The DCM is very appreciative and thoughtful in planning parties and giving baby showers. I explained to her that I do have friends, but they are all mothers of young kids whose lives are crazy, and they probably just didn't think about it. (Although in my friends text she did say that she'd been thinking about it.) I am just going to wait it out and see if DCM says anything else about it, or see if my friend emails her. I'll see my friend this weekend too. If nothing comes of it, then that is ok. I don't want to be the one to take the initiative and seem rude or pushy. No matter what gifts I get (if any), big or small I will be grateful!

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I have never received a baby shower. With my 2nd child, a girl from work (actually a couple girls) got a group together and said your baby shower is on such and such date at work . I thought it was weird but I was excited anyone wanted to do anything for me, especially since I didn't ask or even bring it up. When that day came, there was no shower. Nothing. I felt pretty crappy and forgotten. I figured if you say you're going to do it, do it.

As far as gifts are concerned, I don't go to anything because I do feel like sometimes it is all about the gifts. Not trying to be rude, but parents in my children's classes, for example, whom I know do not like me or even acknowledge my existence when I say a mere hello; they send invites to their children's birthdays and expect me to come to them, but the times I have tried to get to know them or invite them over to my house, we get stood up. I feel like they ONLY invite my kids is because either they have to (if they invite one kid, invites all rule @ school) or they just want us to bring them stuff.

I feel that baby showers should not be brought up by the pregnant person, but that if someone says they'll throw one for you, they should honor that. Registries are silly and I would not/never have used them.

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We celebrate actual births and birthdays (usually without gifts). We do not celebrate Christmas or participate in any kind of showers.

You were hoping to have a shower JUST becayse you don't have anything for a boy? Did the thought not occur to you to go and buy items for your boy?

I would certainly hope that not having close family and friends would be more sad than not getting free stuff. You THINK?

Coming from someone who's parents tried to buy my love my whole life... I assure you, gifts and throwing people parties does not equal love. More often than not, I find people these days give gifts out of obligation and/or to "one up" others.

I am sorry that you don't have close family or friends to help celebrate bringing your child into the world... but all that boy needs is you to celebrate him.

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You don't celebrate Christmas??!!

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Nope - not traditionally anyways. Hubs and I are atheists Before our daughter was born, Christmas to us was a quiet day to sleep all day and have nobody on the outside world bother us
Now, we have a Chirstmas baby... so we will celebrate her birthday on Christmas

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lol I don't either.

I think Christmas is the day that Jewish, Muslims, Hindu, Atheist (as well as all the other non Christian groups) sleep in late, go to the movies and have Chinese food.

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I think baby showers are wonderful, they celebrate the new baby to be, and all babies are special no matter what order they arrived in. I think it is only something else if it is made to be something else. I do because I want to do, and I hope others are like this and not for some other reason/motive. I take great time to pick out something for someone else for any special occasion.

What I think is sad, is people that don't get to experience these great events that would love them. I also think it is sad when it becomes something it should not be, like trying to outdo the next person or when someone expects it because they want free.

I see these little special events as tokens of love- not replacements of love but just an honoring and celebration of a special event.

I think the traditional ways of doing them are gone by and by and more up to date ways of doing them are appropriate now, just as not wearing white on your wedding is appropriate etc...... today it is fine to celebrate all children and not just the first born and usually after the first diapers are very welcomed. Sip and see's are fun for after the baby is born. As far as a registry goes, it is a wish list it is not the end all. I never look at them as I like to get creative with my choices or practical, depending on the person I am giving too, and my mood.

The three kings showered baby Jesus birth so WHY NOT and if your not for this type of thing......SO WHAT, that is ok too.

I think for most people it is more about getting together and anticipating the birth or after seeing the child and celebrating.

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