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Old 05-29-2013, 08:57 AM
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Default Making Transition from Daddy's House Easier?

So I have been having trouble with my DDs (29mo) transition from her fathers house. He generally gets her Monday's around 4-4:30 and then keeps her all day Tuesday and drops her off *Sometime* Wednesday morning. Sometimes its at 8 am, sometimes (like today) its 10:30 and other days its after nap around 3-4. EVERY Wednesday is a disaster. Today she was dropped off right before lunch and then was too excited to be home to eat. She was grabbing toys, books, dress-ups, everything. I finally got her to take a few bites and then she just started losing it. Crying about everything, freaking out because I kept having to take things away from her. Finally got her changed out of the clothes that I had sent her in on Monday (gross) and by that point she was in full melt down. Kept my infant up about 30 min past his nap which wasn't horrible (usually its longer) and she lost story time. I just put her down in her bed with her bottle and walked away. There is ALWAYS a problem on the days she comes back from his house. ALWAYS. I have grown to despise Wednesday for that reason alone. Does any one have suggestions on making her transition easier for her and more pleasant for me?! HELP!!
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Old 05-29-2013, 09:08 AM
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first document the clothes start taking pictures of her as she leaves and returns... it is possible they were washed but document date and save for any future court

Then ask dad to try to have a schedule for return. Explain the problem com up with a solution together and put it in writing with bot of you signing it.

Then make a routine for what you do when she gets home. I would suggest you stop and hold her on your lap for 5 minutes and read a book or talk before you move one. It should help.


29 months and still on the bottle and in bed???? that is cavities waiting to happen. dad can tell the court about that. time out for being excited to see you not the best choice and missing story time? that would have helped calm her down.
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Old 05-29-2013, 09:15 AM
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I agree with pp.

Talk to dad, explain the problem, and try to come to a solution as to a more stable time for return.

At return, try to transition into more quiet activities if possible such as story time etc. I know this is hard when he returns her at a not quiet time of the day.

Maybe she's coming into too much stimulation than she can handle.

Are these days court ordered or verbally agreed upon??
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Old 05-29-2013, 09:31 AM
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Personally, unless you and dad get along really well, I think trying to dictate what he does with her n his time is just asking for trouble.

If I were you, I would simply be a s consistent as possible with her routine once she arrives back at your house. I wouldn't make excuses or exceptions because you don't think she had a routine or whatever at dad's house.

Just keep being consistent with the rules and routine at your house.

Kids are smart. They will get it.

Kids also adapt pretty easily from one place to the next if there is little or no hoopla made by either adult.

I am sure it will be tough while she is really young but once she is in a regular habit of going back and forth between mom and dad's, you will see improvement. Every day that she gets older will be easier too.

Hang in there. It IS tough but the experience she gets from spending time with dad is priceless and so worth it.
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Old 05-29-2013, 09:38 AM
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first document the clothes start taking pictures of her as she leaves and returns... it is possible they were washed but document date and save for any future court

Then ask dad to try to have a schedule for return. Explain the problem com up with a solution together and put it in writing with bot of you signing it.

Then make a routine for what you do when she gets home. I would suggest you stop and hold her on your lap for 5 minutes and read a book or talk before you move one. It should help.


29 months and still on the bottle and in bed???? that is cavities waiting to happen. dad can tell the court about that. time out for being excited to see you not the best choice and missing story time? that would have helped calm her down.
She has severe allergies and cannot drink milk or and soy products. Since she cannot drink milk and is only allowed to have rice milk, she still has to drink formula, since rice milk does not provide enough fat in her diet to ensure proper brain development. This is required by her allergist and GI specialists at Johns Hopkins Children's Hospital. Many months ago I weaned her off the bottle in bed and was giving it to her before we brushed her teeth and went to bed, but then she was only getting 2 ounces of the formula a day because she wouldn't drink it. Her specialist said this was not enough and she needed at least 10 oz a day. So we made the decision that the benefit of her getting that fat intake outweighed my paranoia about her teeth and having a bottle in bed. We still brush her teeth every night before she lays down and first thing in the morning, and she always drinks water after she finished the bottle. This is something me and her father agree on.
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Old 05-29-2013, 09:48 AM
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Personally, unless you and dad get along really well, I think trying to dictate what he does with her n his time is just asking for trouble.

If I were you, I would simply be a s consistent as possible with her routine once she arrives back at your house. I wouldn't make excuses or exceptions because you don't think she had a routine or whatever at dad's house.

Just keep being consistent with the rules and routine at your house.

Kids are smart. They will get it.

Kids also adapt pretty easily from one place to the next if there is little or no hoopla made by either adult.

I am sure it will be tough while she is really young but once she is in a regular habit of going back and forth between mom and dad's, you will see improvement. Every day that she gets older will be easier too.

Hang in there. It IS tough but the experience she gets from spending time with dad is priceless and so worth it.
He is currently threatening to go for 50/50 custody JUST so he does NOT have to pay child support. It is not in her best interest to be there any more than he already has her as he is not prepared to care for her. But I DO think it is very important for her to see him and I know she loves the time she spends with him. It is also not in any ones best interest for me to try to dictate to him how he needs to function, as he goes off easily and is verbally abusive (to me, not her). I also can't switch his days because of his work schedule and is never available any other days.

I'm trying to figure out what will be easiest for her on my part. I think you're right BC, and I do try to stick to our routine when she gets here but at the same time if she won't sit for lunch and then goes in to full out meltdown before story, its hard to stick to routine because she won't participate. To me it just seemed like she needed to go to sleep.

To pps, I did not put my child in time out for being excited.. I actually don't use time out for an thing except hitting. But yea, when she was running around pulling things out during lunch, they were taken away and put back, which of course set her off. As for the outfit I asked dad if it had been washed and he said no, he just wanted to make sure it came back to me (couldn't have put it in a bag?).
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Old 05-29-2013, 09:49 AM
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She has severe allergies and cannot drink milk or and soy products. Since she cannot drink milk and is only allowed to have rice milk, she still has to drink formula, since rice milk does not provide enough fat in her diet to ensure proper brain development. This is required by her allergist and GI specialists at Johns Hopkins Children's Hospital. Many months ago I weaned her off the bottle in bed and was giving it to her before we brushed her teeth and went to bed, but then she was only getting 2 ounces of the formula a day because she wouldn't drink it. Her specialist said this was not enough and she needed at least 10 oz a day. So we made the decision that the benefit of her getting that fat intake outweighed my paranoia about her teeth and having a bottle in bed. We still brush her teeth every night before she lays down and first thing in the morning, and she always drinks water after she finished the bottle. This is something me and her father agree on.

I'm curious, what did giving it to her before bed have to do with the amount she drinks?? I'm only curious because my daughter is extremely eccentric lol.

Does she drink more if you give it to her in bed like a comfort thing?? Just wondering, not flaming you
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Old 05-29-2013, 09:57 AM
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I'm curious, what did giving it to her before bed have to do with the amount she drinks?? I'm only curious because my daughter is extremely eccentric lol.

Does she drink more if you give it to her in bed like a comfort thing?? Just wondering, not flaming you
I'm not sure exactly. Its something that really weighed on me and I think I had been in tears about multiple times, because I do want the best for her. I didn't want it to mess up her teeth, but I also didn't want her allergy and the situation to have any lasting effects on her health. It seemed like when I gave it to her before bed, when she was on the couch she would just kind of play with it and say she was done when she had only sipped it a few times. I tried SO many different things to get her to drink more before we brushed her teeth, she just wouldn't. I guess its a comfort thing that allows her to drink more of it when she's near sleep. Trust me, the situation is not ideal, but then again her allergy isn't ideal any way. We've always had to do things differently. But where the allergies make things more difficult, it also allows me to have a very healthy eater, since she can't have any prepackaged or processed food (soy allergy) and I basically cook her fresh vegetables all day. Her favorite afternoon snacks include lima beans, broccoli, carrots and hummus.
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Old 05-29-2013, 10:13 AM
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re: bottle thing- I would STILL have her drink it in bed (sippy won't work?) and then get her up to brush her teeth and put her back down. It's still the same routine, just changed the timing of it. Bottle rot is TERRIBLE and I'm sure the transition of doing that wouldn't affect her much.

About transitions, I would treat her just like a dck having difficult transitions to your house. Don't make a huge deal out of it, let her have a few minutes to acclimate, and since it's your own dd, I would make sure I was spending the first few minutes back with JUST her.

"I know you're excited to see Mommy! I am so excited to see you too! I missed you bunches! Did you have fun with Daddy? That's great! Would you like to sit and cuddle with me and we can talk/read a book/color together for a little bit?"

During that time, I would be orienting her into 'Mom time'. "DD after we finish cuddling/coloring/reading, Mommy needs your help! I need you to be a big helper and help me get dcbaby down for a nap. Can you help me bring diaper/bottle/blanket? Awww, that's so nice of you to help me. After we do that together we are going to do....... and ......... THEN we can have some Mommy/dd time. What would you like to do together AFTER ..... and ....?"
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Old 05-29-2013, 10:24 AM
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re: bottle thing- I would STILL have her drink it in bed (sippy won't work?) and then get her up to brush her teeth and put her back down. It's still the same routine, just changed the timing of it. Bottle rot is TERRIBLE and I'm sure the transition of doing that wouldn't affect her much.

About transitions, I would treat her just like a dck having difficult transitions to your house. Don't make a huge deal out of it, let her have a few minutes to acclimate, and since it's your own dd, I would make sure I was spending the first few minutes back with JUST her.

"I know you're excited to see Mommy! I am so excited to see you too! I missed you bunches! Did you have fun with Daddy? That's great! Would you like to sit and cuddle with me and we can talk/read a book/color together for a little bit?"

During that time, I would be orienting her into 'Mom time'. "DD after we finish cuddling/coloring/reading, Mommy needs your help! I need you to be a big helper and help me get dcbaby down for a nap. Can you help me bring diaper/bottle/blanket? Awww, that's so nice of you to help me. After we do that together we are going to do....... and ......... THEN we can have some Mommy/dd time. What would you like to do together AFTER ..... and ....?"
Guys, I call it a bottle because that's what we call it any time she gets her formula. Its the word she associates it with. It is and HAS been a sippy cup since she turned a year old. This child hasn't put a bottle or a binky in her mouth since 11-12 months.

I do the "first/then" with her all the time. She doesn't seem to respond to it when she gets dropped off. After she was dropped off we spent a few minutes together and she was allowed to make a choice (her new tangled ever after dolls) while I got lunch ready, then she got to pick a story out for after lunch but she needed to eat lunch first. She was up and down out of the chair and wouldn't sit. She barely ate any food and then she lost it because she was pulling stuff out all over the place and I didn't allow it. I constantly talk about what we are doing while we are doing it and whats going to happen next with ALL my kids at any age. I've thought about trying to get her dad to talk her through what will happen when she gets to mommy's house before she gets here, like throughout the morning, but he doesn't seem to care or understand the issue it creates.
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Old 05-29-2013, 10:30 AM
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He is currently threatening to go for 50/50 custody JUST so he does NOT have to pay child support. It is not in her best interest to be there any more than he already has her as he is not prepared to care for her. But I DO think it is very important for her to see him and I know she loves the time she spends with him. It is also not in any ones best interest for me to try to dictate to him how he needs to function, as he goes off easily and is verbally abusive (to me, not her). I also can't switch his days because of his work schedule and is never available any other days.

I'm trying to figure out what will be easiest for her on my part. I think you're right BC, and I do try to stick to our routine when she gets here but at the same time if she won't sit for lunch and then goes in to full out meltdown before story, its hard to stick to routine because she won't participate. To me it just seemed like she needed to go to sleep.

To pps, I did not put my child in time out for being excited.. I actually don't use time out for an thing except hitting. But yea, when she was running around pulling things out during lunch, they were taken away and put back, which of course set her off. As for the outfit I asked dad if it had been washed and he said no, he just wanted to make sure it came back to me (couldn't have put it in a bag?).
wow!.. my situation sounds identical to yours..except for the fact that my child is a boy..!

my son's father was not in the best place in his life to be caring for our son. he also threatens 50/50 ONLY for avoiding child support. if you don't mind me asking how old are you and the father?(none of my business really but it might help us to get a feel for the maturity level on dads side..?) i will be 24 next month and my son will be turning 3. his dad is 24 and, although it's gotten much better the last 3-4 months, i have always had a problem with my son when he came home from dad's house!.. always soooo whiny..complains about everything, the dramatice are over the top! all i can advise you to do is stick to a routine..!.. my and my son's dad separated when my son was only 4 months so technically we've been dealing with the whiny transitioning for over 2 years-practice makes perfect?... i think it's just the age group.. as my son is getting older he realizes what's going on. he knows mommy's house and mommy's rules..just as he knows the same about daddy.


i think the whiny baby moments are due to the fact that he still gets a pacifier at his dad's house!!!.. mommy took the "baba" away from him at 10 months..i stuck to my guns and he has never had a problem with me not giving him one..he knows i won't-it's routine in a sense


just don't give up and keep sticking to your guns!.. i've always heard girls are a little more dramatic, so it might take a little longer..but never give into her.. she will learn it's your way or no way
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Old 05-29-2013, 10:34 AM
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wow!.. my situation sounds identical to yours..except for the fact that my child is a boy..!

my son's father was not in the best place in his life to be caring for our son. he also threatens 50/50 ONLY for avoiding child support. if you don't mind me asking how old are you and the father?(none of my business really but it might help us to get a feel for the maturity level on dads side..?) i will be 24 next month and my son will be turning 3. his dad is 24 and, although it's gotten much better the last 3-4 months, i have always had a problem with my son when he came home from dad's house!.. always soooo whiny..complains about everything, the dramatice are over the top! all i can advise you to do is stick to a routine..!.. my and my son's dad separated when my son was only 4 months so technically we've been dealing with the whiny transitioning for over 2 years-practice makes perfect?... i think it's just the age group.. as my son is getting older he realizes what's going on. he knows mommy's house and mommy's rules..just as he knows the same about daddy.


i think the whiny baby moments are due to the fact that he still gets a pacifier at his dad's house!!!.. mommy took the "baba" away from him at 10 months..i stuck to my guns and he has never had a problem with me not giving him one..he knows i won't-it's routine in a sense


just don't give up and keep sticking to your guns!.. i've always heard girls are a little more dramatic, so it might take a little longer..but never give into her.. she will learn it's your way or no way
Wow, we are twins!! I am 24, her dad is now 28 but takes NO responsibility for himself or his actions. Everything is everyone else's fault, never his. He is completely delusional. We separated when my daughter was 3.5 months, and its only gotten worse since we split. The only thing that got better was her not witnessing the way he talked to me and the arguments we had. As far as she sees we are best friends, which was what we wanted since we both came from broken homes where our parents never spoke to each other and we never saw them in the same room together. We keep our issues out of her view.

Right now he has no car, no phone, and just moved back in to his (equally if not crazier) mothers house to help him save money, and he never sticks to his day or has to change them because he works in the entertainment industry at a nonprofit theater her in town (20 minutes away from where he is currently staying). 50/50?! MY A$$. I've been primary since 3.5 and supported her financially 100% until last april when the state told me I had to file to keep her health insurance. I have since told him I am willing to lower the amount because its not about the money. I can do it by myself, just as I have been. But now he's on a power trip because my boyfriend (who is absolutely amazing and loves dd like his own) gets to see her more than him. I'm sorry, but maybe you should make that extra effort! I have always been fine with him taking her extra days if he wants to and even send food for her to allow it, but he never steps up..
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Old 05-29-2013, 11:01 AM
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Wow, we are twins!! I am 24, her dad is now 28 but takes NO responsibility for himself or his actions. Everything is everyone else's fault, never his. He is completely delusional. We separated when my daughter was 3.5 months, and its only gotten worse since we split. The only thing that got better was her not witnessing the way he talked to me and the arguments we had. As far as she sees we are best friends, which was what we wanted since we both came from broken homes where our parents never spoke to each other and we never saw them in the same room together. We keep our issues out of her view.

Right now he has no car, no phone, and just moved back in to his (equally if not crazier) mothers house to help him save money, and he never sticks to his day or has to change them because he works in the entertainment industry at a nonprofit theater her in town (20 minutes away from where he is currently staying). 50/50?! MY A$$. I've been primary since 3.5 and supported her financially 100% until last april when the state told me I had to file to keep her health insurance. I have since told him I am willing to lower the amount because its not about the money. I can do it by myself, just as I have been. But now he's on a power trip because my boyfriend (who is absolutely amazing and loves dd like his own) gets to see her more than him. I'm sorry, but maybe you should make that extra effort! I have always been fine with him taking her extra days if he wants to and even send food for her to allow it, but he never steps up..
wow..VERY similar situation between us!! LOL my son's dad is a habitual liar..it's just in his veins... heck, he would even lie about what he ate for breakfast!.. everything is always someone elses fault too..he bails on me for lunch-it's my moms fault, she bought hamburgers.. it's not my fault i have to work out of town(sometimes he misses his days cuz he doesn't drive home soon enough!) he too lives with his mom..along with his brother, sister, grandma, uncle, moms husband...oh, and dog! hence, i get NO help with the pacifier thing, they ALL give it to him!

my son's dad has missed days too..a lot. as far as the court situation, WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN!!! any days missed, sending home in dirty clothes(my son's dad did the same thing cuz he wanted to make sure i didn't keep clothes that he purchesed like there are any!), any text messages about him cancelling or changing his days.... EVERYTHING. child support will be handled in court.. no need to try n squeeze money out of him, ultimately it's the court's choice and they will decide what's fair. i wasn't going to file child support either, between me and my son's dad we made a separate agreement, which needless to say, he didn't stick to. the last straw with me finally making the choice to file was when his mom said..and i quote! "technically, he really owes nothing to you unless there is something legal on paper"... a week later.. he got his "legal" papers as she requested
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Old 05-29-2013, 04:22 PM
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wow..VERY similar situation between us!! LOL my son's dad is a habitual liar..it's just in his veins... heck, he would even lie about what he ate for breakfast!.. everything is always someone elses fault too..he bails on me for lunch-it's my moms fault, she bought hamburgers.. it's not my fault i have to work out of town(sometimes he misses his days cuz he doesn't drive home soon enough!) he too lives with his mom..along with his brother, sister, grandma, uncle, moms husband...oh, and dog! hence, i get NO help with the pacifier thing, they ALL give it to him!

my son's dad has missed days too..a lot. as far as the court situation, WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN!!! any days missed, sending home in dirty clothes(my son's dad did the same thing cuz he wanted to make sure i didn't keep clothes that he purchesed like there are any!), any text messages about him cancelling or changing his days.... EVERYTHING. child support will be handled in court.. no need to try n squeeze money out of him, ultimately it's the court's choice and they will decide what's fair. i wasn't going to file child support either, between me and my son's dad we made a separate agreement, which needless to say, he didn't stick to. the last straw with me finally making the choice to file was when his mom said..and i quote! "technically, he really owes nothing to you unless there is something legal on paper"... a week later.. he got his "legal" papers as she requested


Yea, I used to have a ton of his texts saved but when I changed my last phone I lost them all. As for now, his phone is turned off, so its all on FB or voxer which records everything for me! lol I have no concerns over his threats. He's been threatening this 50/50 and saying that he's getting his stuff together, but little does he know I'm meeting with an attorney on Monday and will be filing for joint legal custody as primary, before he gets a chance to "get things in order". Problem solved!
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