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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>"I Love You"
DaveA 05:47 AM 10-30-2018
I have a DCG that says "I love you" to me a few times a week. I always respond "I'm pretty fond of you too" because frankly I don't get that attached to DCKs. She (and any other DCK I've said it to) has always found it funny or been satisfied with my answer. DCG is now getting confused and annoyed/ sad I won't say "I love you too" back to her. This started a couple weeks ago. She's been in my program for over a year, so it's not like this is something new. Anybody dealt with this before? This is a new one to me.
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Ariana 06:12 AM 10-30-2018
I always say “I love you too” because a kid NEEDS to hear that from their caregiver and there is not enough love in the world!!! Even if you don’t quite feel it I don’t see the harm in it
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CalCare 06:35 AM 10-30-2018
I used to feel weird about that with DCKs and I didn't want to say it back. Then, over time, I expanded my definition of the word "love". Now I do say it to them and I don't feel unauthentic at all. I think it just depends on what the word means to you. And if it means something so much deeper or greater than you can feel for a DCK, then you're just being honest by not using it with them. I can see how some could feel it's very harsh not to say it back to a child, but faking love feels awful.
I think, if you prefer to stay with "fond of you too", you should. And when child acts put out, or says they are put out by it, just say something like, "Everyone has different feelings and chooses different words. This is how I like to say I care about you! I only say "love" to my family." And leave it at that. It's a boundary for you and you don't have to let them force you to say something you don't want to say. I think if you firmly hold that boundary the DCK will drop the testing because she will see you aren't changing your mind. It feels harsh because it looks like denying "love" on the surface. But it's not. You still feel the same and treat her the same whether that word is used or not.
My family never ever used that word growing up. I don't remember missing it at all. I remember thinking it was odd when I saw it used so much by other people! Now that I am a parent I do use it with my own kids all the time. 😊
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Blackcat31 07:21 AM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by Ariana:
I always say “I love you too” because a kid NEEDS to hear that from their caregiver and there is not enough love in the world!!! Even if you don’t quite feel it I don’t see the harm in it
I disagree.

I don't love my daycare kids and I don't feel obligated to have to tell them I care about them either.

My DH gets told "I love you" alot by some of the little girls I have but he just says "Thank you!" and doesn't say anything in return about loving them or liking them.

I don't like that kids (or anyone for that matter) feel as if someone has to return the sentiment just because someone said it first. Thank you suffices pretty well.

I am all for supporting children's healthy development and growth but hearing "I love you" from a caregiver isn't something that is necessary.

FWIW~ I am NOT negating your thoughts and feelings on the topic Ariana, I just disagree that kids NEED to hear it from us too. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words and being a consistent, firm and respectful provider is enough of me to give to daycare kids to make them feel cared about.
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hwichlaz 07:56 AM 10-30-2018
Don't you do this because you love kids? It doesn't have to be a deep parental love
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Ariana 08:06 AM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:

FWIW~ I am NOT negating your thoughts and feelings on the topic Ariana, I just disagree that kids NEED to hear it from us too. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words and being a consistent, firm and respectful provider is enough of me to give to daycare kids to make them feel cared about.
Of course! We all have a right to our own thoughts and feelings on any subject . I also don’t want imply that Dave “should” say anything he does not want to say, I just don’t see the big deal and don’t feel that 3 little words are going to make or break my boundaries if it is what a little child needs or wants to hear to feel cared for. I am very comfortable with that type of affection though and obviously don’t attach as much meaning to it as others might.
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Blackcat31 08:38 AM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by hwichlaz:
Don't you do this because you love kids? It doesn't have to be a deep parental love
No.

Does that make me a bad provider?

I don't do this because I love kids.
I started this because I love MY child.
I stay because I make good money but not because I love kids.

I think love and business are two different things and I think it's wrong to equate one to the other.

All the kids in my care are safe, secure and comfortable. I provide a safe consistent environment for the children when in my program. I care about them but that isn't the same as love. To me LOVE is a deep and complicated emotion and one I choose to share with those in my personal life.

Just as a regular employee "cares" about their co-workers and people they work with on a day to day basis, I feel the same about the children here. I care if something happens in their life, good and bad but love still doesn't play a role in that.

I'd care if something happened to you. I've "known" (virtually) you for a while now but I don't love you.

Hoping that makes sense.
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Blackcat31 08:40 AM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by Ariana:
Of course! We all have a right to our own thoughts and feelings on any subject . I also don’t want imply that Dave “should” say anything he does not want to say, I just don’t see the big deal and don’t feel that 3 little words are going to make or break my boundaries if it is what a little child needs or wants to hear to feel cared for. I am very comfortable with that type of affection though and obviously don’t attach as much meaning to it as others might.
This is true but it also lends to negating or watering down the meaning of the words.
Just like when we (general we, as providers) say "Good job!" for everything a kid does.

It loses it's meaning.
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Ariana 08:59 AM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
This is true but it also lends to negating or watering down the meaning of the words.
Just like when we (general we, as providers) say "Good job!" for everything a kid does.

It loses it's meaning.
So if I say I love you to many people it means the word loses it’s meaning? Or because you withhold saying it, it somehow it means more when you do say it? I don’t think saying I love you back to a kid who says it to you is the same as “good job”. I feel like you are implying that my love is not as awesome as yours because I give it freely. Caring, fondness, endearment are all synonyms of love and love can have varying degrees within your heart.

We will just have to agree to disagree
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Blackcat31 09:06 AM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by Ariana:
So if I say I love you to many people it means the word loses it’s meaning? Or because you withhold saying it, it somehow it means more when you do say it? I don’t think saying I love you back to a kid who says it to you is the same as “good job”. I feel like you are implying that my love is not as awesome as yours because I give it freely. Caring, fondness, endearment are all synonyms of love and love can have varying degrees within your heart.

We will just have to agree to disagree
I am not saying your love is or isn't anything.

I am explaining how I view "love"

Sharing MY personal views of love has no bearing on how you view love.
My thoughts shouldn't give or take value from yours.
I don't have that kind of power.

If I say peanut butter is yucky, it doesn't negate that you might think peanut butter it the best!
My view on peanut butter doesn't play into whether you like it or not. It also doesn't make peanut butter better tasting or somehow more special just because I personally don't like it.
(I do by the way, I am just using peanut butter in place of love...lol! )
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Ariana 09:10 AM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I am not saying your love is or isn't anything.

I am explaining how I view "love"

Sharing MY personal views of love has no bearing on how you view love.
My thoughts shouldn't give or take value from yours.
I don't have that kind of power.

If I say peanut butter is yucky, it doesn't negate that you might think peanut butter it the best!
My view on peanut butter doesn't play into whether you like it or not. It also doesn't make peanut butter better tasting or somehow more special just because I personally don't like it.
(I do by the way, I am just using peanut butter in place of love...lol! )
I didn’t say you had any power over how I feel about this topic. You’re not that awesome BC I was simply playing devils advocate to what you were implying

Peanut butter rocks
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Baby Beluga 09:49 AM 10-30-2018
Are the parents concerned or complaining or just DCG?

I think I would just say "Thank you!" or "Thank you! I care about you too Susie!" when the DCG says it. If she asks why you don't say the word love, I think I would redirect or say something along the lines of "I choose to say care instead of love." Then redirect about whatever activity she is doing at that moment. Rinse and repeat.

If the parents are concerned or complaining as to why you aren't responding to DCG with the word "love" then I would just explain to them that you care about all of your enrolled children but choose to reserve the word love for your own family. Side note, I think I'd have to keep a straight face while explaining that to a parent. Who in their right mind would ask or get offended?

FWIW: I don't say I you love or love you to many. I tell my own children daily. DH and I verbally say it...never? Lol. We both grew up in households where I love you/love you wasn't said at all so it become awkward and vulnerable to say it ourselves, as adults. I have known my MIL since 2008 and she just started saying love you to me this year. At first it felt very strange saying it back, and for while I didn't. But then I thought about it and I truly do care about, and even love, this woman. She sends me a daily word/good morning text each day and finishes by saying "love you."
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Josiegirl 09:54 AM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by Ariana:
I didn’t say you had any power over how I feel about this topic. You’re not that awesome BC I was simply playing devils advocate to what you were implying

Peanut butter rocks
Now that we're all in agreement about peanut butter(and it's a good thing too!!!!)I have to say I always felt weird telling dcks that I love them. And there are definitely some from my past I'm thankful I never said those words to. But I do, in fact, love the children I have in my care right now. So I tell them. They can be maddening, irritating, annoying as all get out, but I let them know I love them here and am glad they're here with me every day(Thank God for weekends though ). IMO, there are different levels or love, different levels of friendships, etc. Saying 'I'm fond of you too' or 'I care about you too' is fine, nothing wrong with that at all. If that's what makes a person comfortable in their response, it's 100% fine.
The way I love my own kids is different from the way I love my sister, my friends, the dcks, my pups(and yes, I love my pups!)heck even different between each of my own kids. My own kids are all so different yet I love them all so much, yet differently. Remember the book 'I Love You The Purplest'? It's a great way of explaining how parents love their own kids differently.
I agree with the statement, it depends on how we perceive love.
Love is extremely complicated. There is no one size fits all.
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Unregistered 09:59 AM 10-30-2018
There are many ways to say I love you.
There are many ways to say I care about you.
Many ways, many ways,
Many ways to say I love you.

There's the singing way to say I love you.
There's the singing something someone really likes to hear.
The singing way, the singing way,
The singing way to say I love you.

Cleaning up a room can say I love you.
Hanging up a coat before you're asked to.
Drawing special pictures for the holidays
And making plays.

You'll find many ways to say I love you.
You'll find many ways to understand what love is.
Many ways, many ways,
Many ways to say I love you.

Fred Rogers
1970
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DaveA 10:42 AM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by hwichlaz:
Don't you do this because you love kids? It doesn't have to be a deep parental love
Honestly no I don't. I like working with children, like running a home daycare, and have a great bunch of kids, but I don't "love" them. As much psychotic fun as this is I do this to meet the needs of my family, financial and otherwise. As mercenary as this sounds this is my business, nothing more. The microsecond I can meet the same needs in my shop full time, I'm closing.

Originally Posted by Ariana:
Of course! We all have a right to our own thoughts and feelings on any subject . I also don’t want imply that Dave “should” say anything he does not want to say, I just don’t see the big deal and don’t feel that 3 little words are going to make or break my boundaries if it is what a little child needs or wants to hear to feel cared for. I am very comfortable with that type of affection though and obviously don’t attach as much meaning to it as others might.
Those 3 little words mean something entirely different to me. I'm not talking about love as fondness like with an inanimate object (I love a good burger) or concept (I love watching the sun rise). With the exception of family I don't love people. I have a bunch of people that I really like, care about, and respect. But "love" is a very specific category for me. So I'm not going to be dishonest with a DCK. I am fond of her- but I don't love her.


Originally Posted by Baby Beluga:
Are the parents concerned or complaining or just DCG?


I think I would just say "Thank you!" or "Thank you! I care about you too Susie!" when the DCG says it. If she asks why you don't say the word love, I think I would redirect or say something along the lines of "I choose to say care instead of love." Then redirect about whatever activity she is doing at that moment. Rinse and repeat.

If the parents are concerned or complaining as to why you aren't responding to DCG with the word "love" then I would just explain to them that you care about all of your enrolled children but choose to reserve the word love for your own family. Side note, I think I'd have to keep a straight face while explaining that to a parent. Who in their right mind would ask or get offended?

FWIW: I don't say I you love or love you to many. I tell my own children daily. DH and I verbally say it...never? Lol. We both grew up in households where I love you/love you wasn't said at all so it become awkward and vulnerable to say it ourselves, as adults. I have known my MIL since 2008 and she just started saying love you to me this year. At first it felt very strange saying it back, and for while I didn't. But then I thought about it and I truly do care about, and even love, this woman. She sends me a daily word/good morning text each day and finishes by saying "love you."
Strictly DCG. Like I said- I've said this for as long as I can remember. It's just in the last couple weeks this has bothered her. Up until then she found it funny if she reacted at all. That's what is throwing me.
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DaveA 10:45 AM 10-30-2018
I wanted to add I've never had a child act this way to me saying "I'm fond of you too", and I've been saying it for at least 15 years in centers and my home daycare. It's surprising/ confusing to me.
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Snowmom 10:55 AM 10-30-2018
This is an interesting topic to me and I've always wondered how everyone approaches it.

Yes, we tend to these little egos and they should be nurtured.... but shouldn't they technically be taught how to properly define what they're feeling?
Is 2-5 yrs old too soon to try and distinguish the difference between friendship, love or admiration?
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hwichlaz 11:32 AM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by Snowmom:
This is an interesting topic to me and I've always wondered how everyone approaches it.

Yes, we tend to these little egos and they should be nurtured.... but shouldn't they technically be taught how to properly define what they're feeling?
Is 2-5 yrs old too soon to try and distinguish the difference between friendship, love or admiration?
I believe children truly do love their caregivers. Of course they know what love is. <3 They know what it is because their parents nurture it. I remember looking at my mother as a little kid, and feeling my chest get full, and just breathing her in and feeling that love. Don't you remember that feeling? I also felt that for one or two of my teachers who particularly cared for me, my grandmother, my aunt etc.
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MomBoss 11:50 AM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I disagree.

I don't love my daycare kids and I don't feel obligated to have to tell them I care about them either.

My DH gets told "I love you" alot by some of the little girls I have but he just says "Thank you!" and doesn't say anything in return about loving them or liking them.

I don't like that kids (or anyone for that matter) feel as if someone has to return the sentiment just because someone said it first. Thank you suffices pretty well.

I am all for supporting children's healthy development and growth but hearing "I love you" from a caregiver isn't something that is necessary.

FWIW~ I am NOT negating your thoughts and feelings on the topic Ariana, I just disagree that kids NEED to hear it from us too. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words and being a consistent, firm and respectful provider is enough of me to give to daycare kids to make them feel cared about.
I completely agree! I feel very awkward saying I love you back. So i say thank you.
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Snowmom 12:59 PM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by hwichlaz:
I believe children truly do love their caregivers. Of course they know what love is. <3 They know what it is because their parents nurture it. I remember looking at my mother as a little kid, and feeling my chest get full, and just breathing her in and feeling that love. Don't you remember that feeling? I also felt that for one or two of my teachers who particularly cared for me, my grandmother, my aunt etc.
Of course kids love their mother & family.

I don't necessarily think they love their daycare provider, their teacher, their friends, their pastor, etc.
I think it's a different definition. I think it's a "like", a "friendship", an "admiration".

I also think that children deserve to learn the different types of affection instead of classifying it all as "love".
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daisymay 01:16 PM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by Snowmom:
Of course kids love their mother & family.

I don't necessarily think they love their daycare provider, their teacher, their friends, their pastor, etc.
I think it's a different definition. I think it's a "like", a "friendship", an "admiration".

I also think that children deserve to learn the different types of affection instead of classifying it all as "love".
I agree and I also think it is never too young to teach boundaries and that everyone has them. I think waiting to teach this is detrimental and even though kids won’t completely understand the concept the seeds can be planted young.
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Baby Beluga 01:52 PM 10-30-2018
Originally Posted by DaveA:
Strictly DCG. Like I said- I've said this for as long as I can remember. It's just in the last couple weeks this has bothered her. Up until then she found it funny if she reacted at all. That's what is throwing me.
Strange.

Is it possible that DCG was with family who said "I love you" to her, she didn't respond and her parents or that family member told her to say it back?

Sort of like, when leaving an event some parents instruct their children to "go hug so and so goodbye"?

Just a thought
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Unregistered 03:26 PM 10-30-2018
Or you can just reply the same way as the character Sam (Patrick Swayze) did in the movie Ghost with "Ditto".
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nannyde 03:19 AM 10-31-2018
Originally Posted by hwichlaz:
Don't you do this because you love kids? It doesn't have to be a deep parental love
Heck no.

I don't love ALL KIDS. I do happen to fall in love with my daycare kids over time. I truly love them.

I have had numerous staff assistants who were fantastic who didn't especially like kids. They surely didn't love them. But they were kind, careful, generous, and affectionate with them. I've known many providers who are the same.

Do you think nurses and nurse's aids love all their residents in a nursing home or assisted living?

I prefer staff assistants who don't love kids. They are easier to get on to the Nan plan when training. I prefer staff assistants who want SAFE kids. That's way more important than loving them in our setting.

Dave just say "I know you do. I appreciate that."
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DaveA 03:34 AM 10-31-2018
Originally Posted by Baby Beluga:
Strange.

Is it possible that DCG was with family who said "I love you" to her, she didn't respond and her parents or that family member told her to say it back?

Sort of like, when leaving an event some parents instruct their children to "go hug so and so goodbye"?

Just a thought
I know they had some kind of family thing a few weeks ago- DW was talking about driving to it at pickup right before. That's a possibility.
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Sunchimes 06:20 PM 11-01-2018
I love my kids, and I don't really have a problem saying that. But, I have one now that says it all the time. Some days, it feels like the only thing we say to each other all day is I love you. I know she loves me, she knows I love her, but I think it has become a habit when she can't think of anything else to say. So, I switch it up. That's so cool. I'm so glad. All right, give me 5. I don't think she needs the confirmation as much as the conversation. It's been working pretty well.
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daycarediva 02:53 PM 11-03-2018
Maybe she just feels she needs more affirmation? I would offer more GENUINE compliments throughout the day. “I like how nice you are to Sally.” “You’re working hard on that.” I have a DCG who needs to be told she’s cute 35679x a day. This was the ONLY thing that helped it. She too would say “(DCGname) so cute!” And look CRUSHED when I didn’t say it too. She says it less now. Obviously it’s learned behavior (in my case, both parents say it 50x at pickup and drop off) she still says it, but not as much.

I find the word love so lacking. I love chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven, a good book, walking my dogs, fall, my children, my husband.” ALL of that means something different to me. I say it to my DCK’s without feeling like a fraud for that reason.
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Unregistered 05:26 AM 11-04-2018
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I disagree.

I don't love my daycare kids and I don't feel obligated to have to tell them I care about them either.

My DH gets told "I love you" alot by some of the little girls I have but he just says "Thank you!" and doesn't say anything in return about loving them or liking them.

I don't like that kids (or anyone for that matter) feel as if someone has to return the sentiment just because someone said it first. Thank you suffices pretty well.

I am all for supporting children's healthy development and growth but hearing "I love you" from a caregiver isn't something that is necessary.

FWIW~ I am NOT negating your thoughts and feelings on the topic Ariana, I just disagree that kids NEED to hear it from us too. In my opinion, actions speak louder than words and being a consistent, firm and respectful provider is enough of me to give to daycare kids to make them feel cared about.
You are cold.
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Blackcat31 08:18 AM 11-04-2018
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
You are cold.
If you log in you can search all my posts and make rude comments.
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Meeko 08:25 AM 11-04-2018
I have and have had children I feel a lot of affection for. I keep in touch with some of my "kids" who now have kids of their own.

I have kids in care right now who I feel great affection for. I will shed tears when they age out and leave us. I will miss them a lot.

I have kids in care right now who have horrible characters. I will not feel a thing when they leave and one has been here for several years. Real life Angelica's (from Rug Rats). Mean and selfish and manipulative.

So "love" isn't a cover-all for taking care of children. I feel great affection for some. Others are just bodies I take care of...and I don't feel bad about saying so. There is no need to act like Mary Poppins and say I love each and every one of them. I don't.

I enjoy working with kids. Been at it for over 30 years. Some kids will always have a place in my heart. Some kids I will completely forget. Some kids will be in my memories like a bad nightmare

Every single daycare is different. Every single child is different. There is no blanket "love". Relationships evolve. Views change. Go with what feels right at the time.

Do not judge each other as not one of us has the same situation as another.
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Josiegirl 08:27 AM 11-04-2018
Originally Posted by Meeko:
I have and have had children I feel a lot of affection for. I keep in touch with some of my "kids" who now have kids of their own.

I have kids in care right now who I feel great affection for. I will shed tears when they age out and leave us. I will miss them a lot.

I have kids in care right now who have horrible characters. I will not feel a thing when they leave and one has been here for several years. Real life Angelica's (from Rug Rats). Mean and selfish and manipulative.

So "love" isn't a cover-all for taking care of children. I feel great affection for some. Others are just bodies I take care of...and I don't feel bad about saying so. There is no need to act like Mary Poppins and say I love each and every one of them. I don't.

I enjoy working with kids. Been at it for over 30 years. Some kids will always have a place in my heart. Some kids I will completely forget. Some kids will be in my memories like a bad nightmare

Every single daycare is different. Every single child is different. There is no blanket "love". Relationships evolve. Views change. Go with what feels right at the time.

Do not judge each other as not one of us has the same situation as another.

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Unregistered 10:26 AM 11-04-2018
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
If you log in you can search all my posts and make rude comments.
Get over yourself.
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Gemma 12:35 PM 11-04-2018
Originally Posted by Meeko:
I have and have had children I feel a lot of affection for. I keep in touch with some of my "kids" who now have kids of their own.

I have kids in care right now who I feel great affection for. I will shed tears when they age out and leave us. I will miss them a lot.

I have kids in care right now who have horrible characters. I will not feel a thing when they leave and one has been here for several years. Real life Angelica's (from Rug Rats). Mean and selfish and manipulative.

So "love" isn't a cover-all for taking care of children. I feel great affection for some. Others are just bodies I take care of...and I don't feel bad about saying so. There is no need to act like Mary Poppins and say I love each and every one of them. I don't.

I enjoy working with kids. Been at it for over 30 years. Some kids will always have a place in my heart. Some kids I will completely forget. Some kids will be in my memories like a bad nightmare

Every single daycare is different. Every single child is different. There is no blanket "love". Relationships evolve. Views change. Go with what feels right at the time.

Do not judge each other as not one of us has the same situation as another.

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Unregistered 01:34 PM 11-04-2018
Revealing my age here. I used to have a play landline style phone (during the age of dinosaurs). One little boy used to end his calls with "I love you. Bye!". I think that's just how some families leave/say good bye. While I get it from a cultural perspective, I don't like it when words get watered down. Much like friend or bullying now a days.

On a side note, my daughter was quite upset with me recently when I wouldn't share her view that divorce should be exspected for a first marriage. One day, love loses its meaning. Tomorrow, it's divorce. Who knows what's next?
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