My oldest son is almost 18 and hasn't spoken to his father on about a yr and a half. He used to go for visitation but as he got older it happened less. I guess on/around my son's birthday his dad made a comment like you only come on your birthday to get presents. needless to say he quit going there shortly after. The guy has alaways been a jerk in my books but I've alaways tried to keep my opinions to myself. Well now my sons step mom is trying to get a hold of me to "talk" and I think she's going to try to get me to ask my son to reconcile with his dad.

My question is, should I say anything to my son or let him make his own choices? My hubby and I have made a comment or two saying maybe he should talk to him, but really, I can't blame tthe kid!

Reply

In my personal opinion, your son is an adult. This is his issue to handle and deal with. If step-mom contacts you, I would say this is between your son and his father.

She can try to speak with your son I suppose if she wants to but your son doesn't have to speak with her. It is up to him. He can confide in you (or whomever he wants) and ultimately though it is still HIS decision to make.

I would tell step mom that you are NOT going to get involved and influence your son in anyway. Your job as a parent is to support his decisions.

Sounds to me like your DS's father made his bed and is now paying the consequences.

That is my personal opinion. Hope it helps.

Reply

Maybe this is an opportunity for your son to tell his dad how he feels and set peramiters of how the relationship will go and have something to work towards. Dont feel like you are on the side of reconciling for his dad but for him. As Blackcat said, dont get in the middle of it but be supportive of him. Some relationships just aren't worth reconciling but sometimes they are or you wont have the opportunity to try. For instance, one of good friends' father was in and out of her life after her parents seperated when she was 3 yrs, but mostly out. When she was 17 he and his new family tried to reconnect and pretend like nothing was wrong and they were one all big happy family. She never really told her dad how she felt about him being gone all those years and really hated the new "fakeness" of it all, so she pulled away. Then her dad his wife and 2 children all died in a horrible car accident. She holds a lot of guilt now, not necessarily because she was hard on him, or shut him out, or didnt give him a second chance. But, because she never explained to him how she really felt and how it hurt and that she wont have the opportunity to decide to forgive or not. Just my 2 cents!

Reply

I can really relate to this... My oldest is not mine and was recently contacted by his Bio dad. He has never met him before and he is 16.

One day, I got an email from his bio-dad about 6 months ago asking how he was, if I could send pics, if I could help them both reunite. I have not heard from this guy in almost 16 years. He is someone I do not like, cannot stand and honestly he is a horrible person in my eyes. However, we never talk about him ever.

When I approached my son about it, he thought about it for a few days. I was scared and worried that what if the Bio-dad tired to take him away after all these years, but my son had a right now to know who his father is.

My son came back to me and said he didn't want to meet him, that he has no desire. I told him well think about it and if you change your mind, just let me know. I also told him that this might be a time for my son to let him know how he feels about him, but at 16 my son does not have a lot of good communication skills just yet. I also think that he lacks the courage that it takes to tell someone, especially another male how he feels. I told my son that eventually one day he will have to and that I always can't be the one to talk to his bio-dad to tell him how my son feels....

Even though your son is still young, only 18, you should just let it be his choice what he decides to do with his dad. However, no matter what his decision is, you need to support him, even if it is very hard for you. I do believe that time heals most wounds and that everyone deserves a second chance. Give your son the space to think about it and ask your ex to respect your sons wishes....

best of luck to you with this.........

Reply

As a Step Mom (who adores her step-mom), I'd recommend talking to her.

Don't involve your son, leave him on a need to know basis. He is not an adult (emotionally) yet, at 17.

It may not be about what you think.....

I'd encourage you to know what you are actually dealing with before making further plans.

Reply

If you know there's a reason that he doesn't speak to his father, and as you said, you don't blame him, then why would you try to convince him to do otherwise? Even if you don't know the reason, if a child while growing up doesn't like/feel comfortable with someone, I don't believe they should be FORCED onto that person. Also, as an adult, noone should try to convince/guilt someone into being forced onto another person.

Both of my kids - one now 18 yrs old and one going to be 14 in a few days have gone YEARS without really talking to their father. I know why and I don't blame them - he was abusive during our entire marriage. He was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive to me in front of the kids all the time. He was mentally abusive to both my kids and verbally abusive to my younger one and threatened physical abuse to her but never actually physically assulted her.

So after we seperated, my kids NEVER talked to him for the longest time. He bought both of my kids their own cell phone just so they could call him whenever they wanted and he could call them whenever he wanted - without having to have me answer the phone. My kids NEVER answered his calls for MONTHS!!! And they NEVER called him for MONTHS!!!! He called me on my cell/house phone 2-3 times/week and asked my what's going on with them, why didn't they ans. his calls, why didn't they call him, etc. and then had to talk to me to find out what they had been doing with their lives. I would tell the girls he was on the phone and they would shake their hand and head no at me and then run either to their room or outside of the house so I couldn't give them the phone! I always made up stupid excuses for them such as ' you know, their kids. They're busy with homework, friends, and activities. I guess they just don't really think of calling.' And ' I guess they are busy when you call and then forget to call you back. " I never lied - just said generic things to him. I also never told him that they don't want to talk to him. I think that would have caused more arguments. So, I just let the children be in control of whether or not they saw him or talked to him.

He was abusive. I don't believe that I should have had to force my children to interact with someone who is abusive. Whether he's their father or some neighbor. If they don't want to be around him or talk to him, they should have that right not to be around him or talk to him.

My girls and I moved to Florida for a few years and for the first 6 mos-year, she would call everyone she knew to try to get to spend the night out the entire weekend that he was coming for a visit - he only came down one weekend every 6 weeks! If she couldn't get people to let her spend the night that weekend, she'd lock herself in her bedroom and only come out to get a plate of food and take it to her bedroom to eat it! Of course he asked me what her deal was - I just said stupid stuff like she's a teenager - has that pre-teen/teenager attitude - what do you want me to do about it? And basically walked away from him doing nothing about her being in her bedroom. Now, if he told her in advance of arriving that he planned to take her shopping or to the water parks, she would hang around and go to those places with him - only because he had the money to spend on her for those things. When she was old enough to drive (by that time we moved back up north and live near him now - completely different story!) he gave her a truck. Gee, she decided to talk to him and after a few months of ocassionally talking to him said he's an ok guy if you don't live with him.

My 14 year old still doesn't really talk to him. She will go up to him and put her hand out and say something like ' can I have money for McDonalds/the mall/movies/etc.' then he hands her money and she simply walks off - DOESNT even say thank you!!! She doesn't even try to pretend to like him by hanging around for a few minutes! Just walks up, asks for money, receives money and walks off!

At first, I tried to teach my children that if they don't like him and don't want to hang out with him, not to just use him for money. They constantly told me that if that's the only thing he knows how to be a dad, we should let him be a dad the only way he knows how. I finally agreed with them!

My children also don't really talk to their dad's parents. His father did something purposeful that he knew would have his son start a big fight with me and his mother did something that REALLY upset my younger one when she was little. My kids - and I - don't understand why they would have done what they did and to this day can not forgive them for it. They are just mean hearted people. So, I also don't blame my kids for not talking with their grandparents. I do every once in a while suggest that we go visit them or that the girls call them. They always tell me "NO!" that they do NOT want to visit or call them. So I let it go.

So, in response to your question/concern. If I were you, I'd leave your son alone on this. If he wants to communicate with his father, he will - in his own time, in his own way. If anyone tells you to intervene, I would tell them that this is between your son and his father and they will handle this in their own way.

Reply

maybe help your son write a letter?

Reply

Tough situation. One of them needs to grow up and the son has the time to do it. I’m sure it is a lot more complex then it seems. If a family member is very abusive then I wouldn't speak to them either. No one needs that kind of negativity around, family member or not. I've seen a lot of situations like this and the hardship when a father passes away wanting to reconcile with a son or daughter.

It may be that the stepmother would like them to see each other again but I think counseling is in order for the father first. He needs to figure out why he is expecting so much and not understanding his son's feelings and situation. Empathy is needed.

This is obviously a relationship that has not had the time to grow properly. I hope they can still find out what they like about each other before it’s too late.

Word of advice for fathers reading this. Tell you family you love them every day. Tell them they make life wonderful. Them them you've waited your whole life for them. Them them they are beautiful. They are worth it.

Reply

Thank you all for your insight. I made the call.

And Catherder, you were right. Wasn't exactly what I expected!

We go over a little pleasantries, then she tells me that she has cancer that she is very sick. (She has IBS, crohn's, heart and kidney problems and and host of other problems ever since I met her 10+ yrs ago.) She sid she has money set aside for my son in the event that she should take a turn for the worse. She said she's always loved my son and treats him like her own children and that she misses him.
She then tells me that the office that handles the support payments sending them a letter saying that my son will be 18 in a few months and that they do not take support cases for children over 18. (if my son is in school, I get support til he's 21, I believe she thinks I forgot that part) And that we'd have to go to court. She says she called them and asked if we can avoid court, and they say yes, if I/we sign papers basically stating we agree to end support payments after the age of 18. (Now we are getting to the heart of the call)

Before you start saying I'm heartless, keep in mind she has always had health issues. She's always been nice to my face, but she is very manipulative, and would use health issues to get out of her husband having to pay for his kid. (she's tried for years, using any means to make me feel bad for collecting support) She doesn't know that she has cancer, she's been feeling more tired then normal and some other symptom, so she went to the doctor. They are running tests. So as for how she can say she has it before the results come in are beyond me. This woman has drove me up the wall for years, and if it does turn out to me cancer then I feel bad for her, especially if it turns out to be terminal. I just don't know if I can believe her I've been fed bull so often before.
But her health issues have no determination on my ex's obligations. She was going on how she just wants to get this out of the way, so she doesn't have to worry about it hanging over 'our' heads, and really, she's free tonight to come over and have me sign the papers
after I told her I'd get back to her in a couple of days.
Sorry Chica I have a back bone now, I need to look into stuff first. This is just crazy!

Reply

I don't think you are being heartless....

Dads responsibility to help foot the costs of college have nothing to do with her condition. I'd make my DH's life miserable if he tried that with my SS's Mom (she is NOT just his EX, she is someone I love's MOM). How a man treats his EX should matter...it should tell you something about his character.

I am so glad you spoke to her, though. At least now you know to keep son out of it as much as possible AND secure a lawyer.

Reply

Spoke with Family Responsibility Office, turns out they did NOT send a letter, that our case is on going and the ONLY way to stop payments is to have both parties sign an agreement stating there is no need for support, or his dad will have to take me back to court.

My agent said as long as my son is living with me, and I am supporting him, and feel his father should help, I have a case.

The thing that ticks me off is she BOLD FACED LIED to me. I hate it when people tell half truths, or fib a little, but I loathe being out and out lied to!

Reply

I don't think your heartless. to be honest, this has less to do with her and more to do with the father. If it was a matter of health issues being the reason they can't pay, why doesn't he call and talk to you? He's the one obligated to make the payment. I think you're in the right on this one, and I wouldn't give up the payments.

Reply

This would tick me off too . She used her health to try tp meneuver you into feeling sorry for her so that you would agree to sign the paperwork. Unless you want to call her to talk to her about it I would just leave it as is and pretend that she never called you. She'll probably eventually call you again and that's when you can set the record straight and let her know that they never recieved a letter stating that and goodbye. The nerve of some people. People have no shame. SMH

Reply

It sounds like your son has a good head on his shoulders.

I wouldn't sign anything - not without a lawyer looking at it first.

Reply

I wouldn't have another conversation with the stepmom. She lied to you. Unless you're a big fan of that kind of thing, that would be my last convo with her.

Your son is old enough to contact her or his dad if he wants to, independant of any coaxing from you. Leave that relationship, or lack thereof, between them. I wouldn't get in the middle of it for all the tea in China.

As far as the issue of the continued child support, if I was asked about it again or contacted again, I would let her know that I had contacted the office and straightened things out, and that if she had any questions or concerns, she could contact them, or your Ex Husband could contact them.

I'm a stepmom married to a fella who has custody of his kids from more than one marriage. Relationships and interactions become far less complicated when child support payments and issues are handled through the agencies in place to take care of the collection and distribution of the funds. There's no reason the stepmom should be discussing it with you at all. Her medical problems are unfortunate, but they are not your son's responsibility, and should not affect his father's obligation to support him.

Reply