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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>6wk Old Died At Home - I Have 3yr Old Sibling
Christina72684 11:01 AM 06-28-2014
I've had this 3.5 year old girl since she was barely walking. Real sweet girl, very shy, still sucks her thumb at nap time, but very well behaved. Her mom had a baby 6 weeks ago and he was going to start coming W and F to my daycare until the government funding kicked in and he would be full time. He came Wednesday this week and was just fine. He ate slowly like most infants do, napped, pooped, cried some, etc. Everything seemed fine. He did have a little bit of a wheeze sometimes but nothing to worry about. Then Thursday afternoon I get a call from grandma (who we see more than mom, they all live together, mom is only like 22). I could barely understand her because she was crying and our phone sucks, but she said the baby died. I asked what happened and got bits and pieces, but later found out that the baby was home with mom's boyfriend (who isn't the baby's dad, he left when he found out she was pregnant) and was laying face down on the corner of their bed. So I don't know if he suffocated or what, but it doesn't sound good. Plus this guy is like a big kid himself, so who knows how much he was really paying attention. Anyway, grandma was in total shock and said they would be by to pick up the 3yr old later. I told her no rush, she could stay after hours or all night no charge, we are here to do anything to help. She told me not to say anything to anyone, especially the 3yr old. The mom and grandma came and picked her up a few hours later, and you could tell they had been crying all day. The 3yr old didn't really pick up on the fact that anything was wrong, and I honestly don't know if she's really going to understand. She might be a little slow mentally, not autistic or handicapped in any way, but may need help in school when she's older. I'm not sure if when they tell her what happened if she will understand. Of course she didn't come yesterday. The funeral is Sunday and we're going to show our support. I just feel absolutely terrible for these people. CPS came out and talked to the girl a few minutes after I found out, but I'm not sure if anything is going to happen or not, it may be routine. I want to be there for them and help in any way I can, but I honestly don't know what to do or say.

Has anyone ever had a similar situation? Do you talk to the child about it or act like everything is fine? I'm 29 years old and have only had 1 family member die and that was back in 1995. I don't know how to handle this situation and have no clue what this poor family is going through. I want to be prepared for Monday, but don't know what to do.
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SignMeUp 11:36 AM 06-28-2014
That is tragic. I am so sorry for you, for them, for everyone.

I would hope that the family might give you a bit of guidance, at least as to what they have told their little girl. They may or may not be able to though. People handle death in a wide variety of ways, some more healthy than others, some based on culture, etc.

You could try gently asking them what the little one knows. Again, they may or may not even be able to speak, you know?

If nothing is said, and if you don't feel you can ask, then I would take cues from the little girl. Hold her a lot; physical comfort and a feeling of safety are important. That may be the biggest thing at first, and you can do that, and probably want to do that.

If the little one gives you an opening, you can reinforce in only the most simple terms. Yes, sweetheart, your baby brother died, and people feel sad. How do you feel? Possibly help her find words: sad, confused, etc.
Let her know that all of her grown-ups will help her.

How you handle it initially will change from how you handle it over time, depending on if she stays with you, and what her ability level is, as well as how her family handles it. Many families seek counseling for their child, as well as for themselves, and possibly they will be open to that after a bit.

There are good children's books too, but right now this little girl might not need to be overloaded. She may be more needing comfort and safety, you know?

Added this: Also, children process death differently than adults. They will play normally one minute and need comfort the next. Let her play if she wants to play; it is healing. Normal life is healing, so let her have that. Children come and go from feeling the grief intensely, where adults dwell in it more.
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Mom of 4 11:39 AM 06-28-2014
Originally Posted by Christina72684:
I've had this 3.5 year old girl since she was barely walking. Real sweet girl, very shy, still sucks her thumb at nap time, but very well behaved. Her mom had a baby 6 weeks ago and he was going to start coming W and F to my daycare until the government funding kicked in and he would be full time. He came Wednesday this week and was just fine. He ate slowly like most infants do, napped, pooped, cried some, etc. Everything seemed fine. He did have a little bit of a wheeze sometimes but nothing to worry about. Then Thursday afternoon I get a call from grandma (who we see more than mom, they all live together, mom is only like 22). I could barely understand her because she was crying and our phone sucks, but she said the baby died. I asked what happened and got bits and pieces, but later found out that the baby was home with mom's boyfriend (who isn't the baby's dad, he left when he found out she was pregnant) and was laying face down on the corner of their bed. So I don't know if he suffocated or what, but it doesn't sound good. Plus this guy is like a big kid himself, so who knows how much he was really paying attention. Anyway, grandma was in total shock and said they would be by to pick up the 3yr old later. I told her no rush, she could stay after hours or all night no charge, we are here to do anything to help. She told me not to say anything to anyone, especially the 3yr old. The mom and grandma came and picked her up a few hours later, and you could tell they had been crying all day. The 3yr old didn't really pick up on the fact that anything was wrong, and I honestly don't know if she's really going to understand. She might be a little slow mentally, not autistic or handicapped in any way, but may need help in school when she's older. I'm not sure if when they tell her what happened if she will understand. Of course she didn't come yesterday. The funeral is Sunday and we're going to show our support. I just feel absolutely terrible for these people. CPS came out and talked to the girl a few minutes after I found out, but I'm not sure if anything is going to happen or not, it may be routine. I want to be there for them and help in any way I can, but I honestly don't know what to do or say.

Has anyone ever had a similar situation? Do you talk to the child about it or act like everything is fine? I'm 29 years old and have only had 1 family member die and that was back in 1995. I don't know how to handle this situation and have no clue what this poor family is going through. I want to be prepared for Monday, but don't know what to do.
OMG I am very sorry for your loss and for everyone!
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Josiegirl 11:43 AM 06-28-2014
Oh that's so sad, I'm really sorry, for everyone.
As far as what to tell a 3 yo, I'd try to follow their lead and not say too much. If dcg brings it up, just tell her it's a very sad thing and the baby will be missed. Maybe even talk to dcgrandma(since she's the one you see most often) and ask for guidance. Expect and be prepared for some acting out because a 3 yo just doesn't know how to handle all the emotions she'll be feeling and witnessing.

Just offer her extra cuddling, more quiet moments with you, as much attention as you possibly can.There isn't a lot to say to an adult at moments like these, and kids mostly need to feel safe and loved, they need to know everybody else isn't going to disappear from their lives.
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NightOwl 11:51 AM 06-28-2014
Wow. I'm so sorry. I have experience with a baby dying. It sounds like, in this case, there was some negligence. 6 week olds should never be face down to sleep, for any reason. Or on a bed. I'm betting this boyfriend will be arrested and face manslaughter charges at the least.
I would find out when dcg is returning. Then have a meeting with mom/gma prior to that to discuss what they told dcg and how they would like you to approach it with her. I know this is a horrible thing and you don't want to add any stress to the mom, but it's very important to take into consideration how to handle this with dcg.
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NightOwl 11:54 AM 06-28-2014
May I ask what state you live in? I want to look it up to see if there's any info.
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Heidi 11:56 AM 06-28-2014
9We had a similar situation in our family, only our niece was 8 months old.

My sister's family (boy almost 4, and girl 9, and baby and mom and dad) were at their rustic cabin. Baby was still sleeping in the make-shift bed they had for her (not crawling yet). Rest of the family had been up for a while, baby was sleeping in.

My sis said to 10yo-"hey, go get baby, so we can run into town and get some eggs for breakfast"

10 yo ran in, came back a few minutes later and said "something is wrong with baby".

When my sister got there, she found a plastic bag near baby (later determined that 9yo had taken it off her), and she was not breathing. She started CPR, family ran to phone to get EMS, etc. Med flight came, they continued CPR throughout the flight. No one wanted to be the one to give up.

She didn't ever come back. They let my sister hold her for several hours, continuing to put warm blankets around her, until she was ready to let her go (well, physically, anyway). The sheriff and CPS came to talk to her at the hospital.

Once they got home, my sister crawled into bed for a good 24 hours. Her husband took a hammer to most of the things in his garage/man cave. We comforted the children.

My sister crawled out of bed once arrangements had to be made. Since she was in another county, there were some details (and they actually lost her for a little while). Luckily, the coroner made the mistake of calling her "the body", which pissed my sister off enough to make her snap out of it a little and take charge (that's how she rolls).

After the funeral, she did take both children to grief counseling, and they attended a camp for children who'd lost a sibling. All this helped enormously! My nephew had trouble with helicopters for a while; he equated them to the trauma. My niece still has some issues because she was older, remembers more, and was the one who found her. She's 24 now. Tuesday will be the 15 anniversary of this horrible thing.

CPS and the sheriff's dept both dropped their investigations. Part of me always thought it was to save the other children from the ordeal, and also from the very small possibility that they might be somehow responsible. Not saying they are; but if a careless child had caused the accident, it would serve no one to know that.

If you want to help the family, follow up a little bit after the fact. Sometimes there's a lot of "I'll help" at first, and then people sort of get over it. Remember baby on his birthday next year. That will mean a lot! As the years pass, the pain will lessen, but it'll help the family to know he isn't forgotten.

You might also try to find grief resources for the little girl in your area, if you think that would help, or you notice that they haven't been referred.
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midaycare 12:23 PM 06-28-2014
Oh I'm sorry. That is heartbreaking. No words.
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midaycare 12:24 PM 06-28-2014
Originally Posted by Heidi:
9We had a similar situation in our family, only our niece was 8 months old.

My sister's family (boy almost 4, and girl 9, and baby and mom and dad) were at their rustic cabin. Baby was still sleeping in the make-shift bed they had for her (not crawling yet). Rest of the family had been up for a while, baby was sleeping in.

My sis said to 10yo-"hey, go get baby, so we can run into town and get some eggs for breakfast"

10 yo ran in, came back a few minutes later and said "something is wrong with baby".

When my sister got there, she found a plastic bag near baby (later determined that 9yo had taken it off her), and she was not breathing. She started CPR, family ran to phone to get EMS, etc. Med flight came, they continued CPR throughout the flight. No one wanted to be the one to give up.

She didn't ever come back. They let my sister hold her for several hours, continuing to put warm blankets around her, until she was ready to let her go (well, physically, anyway). The sheriff and CPS came to talk to her at the hospital.

Once they got home, my sister crawled into bed for a good 24 hours. Her husband took a hammer to most of the things in his garage/man cave. We comforted the children.

My sister crawled out of bed once arrangements had to be made. Since she was in another county, there were some details (and they actually lost her for a little while). Luckily, the coroner made the mistake of calling her "the body", which pissed my sister off enough to make her snap out of it a little and take charge (that's how she rolls).

After the funeral, she did take both children to grief counseling, and they attended a camp for children who'd lost a sibling. All this helped enormously! My nephew had trouble with helicopters for a while; he equated them to the trauma. My niece still has some issues because she was older, remembers more, and was the one who found her. She's 24 now. Tuesday will be the 15 anniversary of this horrible thing.

CPS and the sheriff's dept both dropped their investigations. Part of me always thought it was to save the other children from the ordeal, and also from the very small possibility that they might be somehow responsible. Not saying they are; but if a careless child had caused the accident, it would serve no one to know that.

If you want to help the family, follow up a little bit after the fact. Sometimes there's a lot of "I'll help" at first, and then people sort of get over it. Remember baby on his birthday next year. That will mean a lot! As the years pass, the pain will lessen, but it'll help the family to know he isn't forgotten.

You might also try to find grief resources for the little girl in your area, if you think that would help, or you notice that they haven't been referred.
I'm so sorry for your family, also.
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midaycare 12:26 PM 06-28-2014
Not the same thing, but DH lost a child with his first wife. I'm wife #2. The baby was born at 24 weeks, lived 3 days, and died. It was 15 years ago and he is still not over it. You don't get over it. You just go on.
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KiddieCahoots 01:02 PM 06-28-2014
I'm sorry, so sad.

My cousin died of SIDS when he was an infant. His older brother was 3yrs at the time. I was just a child myself. What I do remember was my 3yr old cousin talking about it openly, and matter-of-factly.
It was my aunt that was traumatized, and needed support from others. To the point of calling family on the phone and hanging up once we answered. She did this repeatedly for the first year afterward. She was home alone with the baby and toddler when the incident happened, and we believed she needed to feel the presence of others for awhile to get through it.

Don't know if you can truly be prepared on how to handle a situation like this until you get a feel or see how the family is coping.

Just what your doing...caring, and showing your support in being there for them will help.
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nannyde 01:51 PM 06-28-2014
Christina this may get ugly so be prepared.

The number one risk to a baby is the moms boyfriend.

If you need any help you can call me. Ok?
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SilverSabre25 05:34 PM 06-28-2014
oh, what a horrendous tragic thing. My heart goes out to you and everyone else involved. My heart goes out to everyone else who has had dealt with similar tragedies

Not the same at all but a year before DH was born his family lost a baby girl; birth accident/negligent doctor. His parents had to make the impossible decision to take her off life support. She lived for four days and was buried on Christmas Eve. The only photos they have of her are in the coffin (which strikes me as...morbid...) his mom never had time to get over it; she gave birth to DH 1 year, 1 month, and 1 day later. He has a congenital heart defect and she has always said that his heart is broken because hers was
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Blackcat31 08:02 AM 06-29-2014
Tragic.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Keeping both you and the family in my thoughts ad prayers.
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Michelle 03:44 PM 06-29-2014
praying for family and you too!
this is one of my worse fears

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Christina72684 04:25 PM 06-29-2014
Thank you for all the shared stories and support. Today was the visitation. The daycare staff and I went to show our support. As soon as we got there grandma saw us and the 3 yr old came running to us. She told us that bubby was sleeping and his hands were cold. She got him a few toys and put in with him. He looked like a porcelain doll, not real at all. You could tell grandma and mom were still in total shock and looked drained. What really surprised me was the boyfriend was there with his arm around the mom. So I'm not sure what all has happened as far as legally or what the official cause of death are. The burial is tomorrow at 3pm with just the family. I doubt we have the 3yr old again tomorrow. Hopefully we find out more on Tuesday.
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Heidi 04:57 PM 06-29-2014
Originally Posted by Christina72684:
Thank you for all the shared stories and support. Today was the visitation. The daycare staff and I went to show our support. As soon as we got there grandma saw us and the 3 yr old came running to us. She told us that bubby was sleeping and his hands were cold. She got him a few toys and put in with him. He looked like a porcelain doll, not real at all. You could tell grandma and mom were still in total shock and looked drained. What really surprised me was the boyfriend was there with his arm around the mom. So I'm not sure what all has happened as far as legally or what the official cause of death are. The burial is tomorrow at 3pm with just the family. I doubt we have the 3yr old again tomorrow. Hopefully we find out more on Tuesday.
I worry that this boyfriend is already being vilified. He's not even the baby's father. Chances could very well be, he was just doing what they all did. You said he was a bit "clueless" ish, so maybe he had no idea about safe-sleep.

I realize that statistically, the BF/non birth father is always suspect, but I hope that if this is just really a tragic accident due to lack of knowledge, that it all comes out in the end.

Sad things happen, and I feel like our society is so quick to want to make someone responsible.
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nannyde 05:16 PM 06-29-2014
Originally Posted by Heidi:
I worry that this boyfriend is already being vilified. He's not even the baby's father. Chances could very well be, he was just doing what they all did. You said he was a bit "clueless" ish, so maybe he had no idea about safe-sleep.

I realize that statistically, the BF/non birth father is always suspect, but I hope that if this is just really a tragic accident due to lack of knowledge, that it all comes out in the end.

Sad things happen, and I feel like our society is so quick to want to make someone responsible.
I think in birth to two statistically the baby is most at risk for being abused or killed by

Moms boyfriend
Mom
Dads girlfriend
Child care provider
Other relative
Dad

I think that is the order of risk. Don't quote me on that
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Heidi 05:18 PM 06-29-2014
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I think in birth to two statistically the baby is most at risk for being abused or killed by

Moms boyfriend
Mom
Dads girlfriend
Child care provider
Other relative
Dad

I think that is the order of risk. Don't quote me on that
eww....just eww....
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Michelle 06:37 PM 06-29-2014
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I think in birth to two statistically the baby is most at risk for being abused or killed by

Moms boyfriend
Mom
Dads girlfriend
Child care provider
Other relative
Dad

I think that is the order of risk. Don't quote me on that
I think dad would be above child care worker
in fact I think child care worker would be last on the list except for an inexperienced nanny or emotionally disturbed nanny or provider
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Sugar Magnolia 07:01 PM 06-29-2014
May peace and Serenity grace you and the family.
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coolconfidentme 04:23 AM 06-30-2014
This brought tears to my eyes.... hug your kids everyone.
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Christina72684 05:22 AM 06-30-2014
As soon as I found out I hugged both of my kids for a very long time. Ever since I have been super easy on both of them (ages 10 months and 3yrs) as far as things I would normally get upset with them doing (like my 10 month old biting or my 3 year old not listening). I just keep thinking how I have 2 healthy kids and am so blessed to have them both.
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nannyde 08:15 AM 06-30-2014
Originally Posted by Michelle:
I think dad would be above child care worker
in fact I think child care worker would be last on the list except for an inexperienced nanny or emotionally disturbed nanny or provider
I haven't had time to look this up.

It's hard to get statistics on this.

I think... not positive... that in households where the parents don't live together the order is what I posted for birth to two.

Now for households that both bio parents live together I think it is

Mother
Father
Relative
Child care provider
Stranger

It depends on the family composition.
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mountainside13 08:47 AM 06-30-2014
I am so sorry!!! Prayers to the family and you!!
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Blackcat31 08:48 AM 06-30-2014
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I haven't had time to look this up.

It's hard to get statistics on this.

I think... not positive... that in households where the parents don't live together the order is what I posted for birth to two.

Now for households that both bio parents live together I think it is

Mother
Father
Relative
Child care provider
Stranger

It depends on the family composition.
The statistical numbers/percentages given according to childwelfare.gov are as follows:

No matter how the fatal abuse occurs, one fact of great concern is that the perpetrators are, by definition, individuals responsible for the care and supervision of their victims.

Parents, acting alone or with another parent, were responsible for 80.0 percent of child abuse or neglect fatalities.

More than one-quarter (27.1 percent) were perpetrated by the mother acting alone,

17.1 percent were perpetrated by the father acting alone,

and 21.2 percent were perpetrated by the mother and father acting together.

Nonparents (including kin and child care providers, among others) were responsible for 14.3 percent of child fatalities,

and child fatalities with unknown perpetrator relationship data accounted for 5.6 percent of the total.

There is no single profile of a perpetrator of fatal child abuse, although certain characteristics reappear in many studies. Frequently, the perpetrator is a young adult in his or her mid-20s, without a high school diploma, living at or below the poverty level, depressed, and who may have difficulty coping with stressful situations. Fathers and mothers’ boyfriends are most often the perpetrators in abuse deaths; mothers are more often at fault in neglect
fatalities
.

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/fa...s/fatality.pdf

This site http://home.earthlink.net/~elnunes/stats.htm also has some fascinating statistical information on this and other abuse/injury topics in regards to children and who the perpetrators are.
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hope 09:12 AM 06-30-2014
Why is the 3 year old at the viewing? I don't think a child that young can process seeing their dead siblings body. Someone should have stayed home with the 3 year old. There is just no reason to put that child through that.
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Sugar Magnolia 10:19 AM 06-30-2014
BC and Nan, I'm sorry but this discussion of stats and abuse is not especially appropriate for this thread. Nobody knows yet if this was an abuse or neglect death. Its just a tragic death and I think Christina needs our sympathy and guidance ideas for the surviving.sibling, not stats about who commits the most abuse.

I mean no disrespect at all,, and these statistics ARE important,
but maybe a new thread for this. Sorry gals, just a thought.

Christina, I hope you are holding up Ok. Big hugs.
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AmyKidsCo 12:41 PM 06-30-2014
Originally Posted by hope:
Why is the 3 year old at the viewing? I don't think a child that young can process seeing their dead siblings body. Someone should have stayed home with the 3 year old. There is just no reason to put that child through that.
I disagree - we've always taken our young children to viewings/funerals. How to handle death is a personal decision, and religion often has a lot to do with it.
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Annalee 12:50 PM 06-30-2014
Originally Posted by AmyKidsCo:
I disagree - we've always taken our young children to viewings/funerals. How to handle death is a personal decision, and religion often has a lot to do with it.
We have always taken our kids to funeral homes, too...I have 2 special needs nephews and one of them is 18.. most people with what he has only live to be 20 years old and I want my own children to understand there are things we can't control but it is OK. I think we, myself, have been guilty of sugar-coating bad happenings to the point society, in general, has developed a generation of persons that can't deal with what life offers. Death, sickness, financial issues, etc. are a part of life but cant be run from.....persons may not get over these issues, but they can adjust and move forward....When my dad was in his final days, I remember telling him that I could not go on without him....to which he replied, "if you can't I didn't do my job". That has stuck with me and it has been 12 years this year....and, you know what, as hard as some days still are without him, I am moving forward....
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nannyde 01:14 PM 06-30-2014
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
The statistical numbers/percentages given according to childwelfare.gov are as follows:

No matter how the fatal abuse occurs, one fact of great concern is that the perpetrators are, by definition, individuals responsible for the care and supervision of their victims.

Parents, acting alone or with another parent, were responsible for 80.0 percent of child abuse or neglect fatalities.

More than one-quarter (27.1 percent) were perpetrated by the mother acting alone,

17.1 percent were perpetrated by the father acting alone,

and 21.2 percent were perpetrated by the mother and father acting together.

Nonparents (including kin and child care providers, among others) were responsible for 14.3 percent of child fatalities,

and child fatalities with unknown perpetrator relationship data accounted for 5.6 percent of the total.

There is no single profile of a perpetrator of fatal child abuse, although certain characteristics reappear in many studies. Frequently, the perpetrator is a young adult in his or her mid-20s, without a high school diploma, living at or below the poverty level, depressed, and who may have difficulty coping with stressful situations. Fathers and mothers’ boyfriends are most often the perpetrators in abuse deaths; mothers are more often at fault in neglect
fatalities
.

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/fa...s/fatality.pdf

This site http://home.earthlink.net/~elnunes/stats.htm also has some fascinating statistical information on this and other abuse/injury topics in regards to children and who the perpetrators are.



Black is that birth to two?
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nannyde 01:24 PM 06-30-2014
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
BC and Nan, I'm sorry but this discussion of stats and abuse is not especially appropriate for this thread. Nobody knows yet if this was an abuse or neglect death. Its just a tragic death and I think Christina needs our sympathy and guidance ideas for the surviving.sibling, not stats about who commits the most abuse.

I mean no disrespect at all,, and these statistics ARE important,
but maybe a new thread for this. Sorry gals, just a thought.

Christina, I hope you are holding up Ok. Big hugs.
Yes we aren't suggesting this is anything but an accident. With that said... every case starts with that assumption and many turn out badly. My warning is to get the provider to realize that it can turn badly. That's all. Be prepared.

I don't think it is the providers role to do anything but what they normally do with the surviving sib. The art of dealing with death with kids is something I would only want a highly trained person to do. I wouldn't be involved in that at all.

No disrespect here either... I have seen providers blindsided when the investigation gets rolling. They get questioned and within that questioning they get scared especially if the kid has been on their watch in the last few days.
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Blackcat31 01:26 PM 06-30-2014
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Black is that birth to two?
It says age 4 and under
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nannyde 01:27 PM 06-30-2014
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Black is that birth to two?
I think the statistics change when the child is birth to two AND lives in a home where both biological parents do not live.
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Michelle 02:37 PM 06-30-2014
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I think the statistics change when the child is birth to two AND lives in a home where both biological parents do not live.
you know what?
I think you are right about dad being lower on the list because if you go by total hours in the day spent with each person, I can see how child care provider would be higher than dad statistically

this whole thing just makes me sad
I agree with letting a 3 year old go but maybe not have let her touch him
I took my 8 year old to her friends funeral ( also 8)
I thought it was very important for her to go but I told her not to touch him and of course she did anyway and she now has really bad flash backs of how cold and hard he was.. I even got therapy for her
so, I just think 3 was too young to touch his hand
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NightOwl 05:37 AM 07-01-2014
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Yes we aren't suggesting this is anything but an accident. With that said... every case starts with that assumption and many turn out badly. My warning is to get the provider to realize that it can turn badly. That's all. Be prepared.

I don't think it is the providers role to do anything but what they normally do with the surviving sib. The art of dealing with death with kids is something I would only want a highly trained person to do. I wouldn't be involved in that at all.

No disrespect here either... I have seen providers blindsided when the investigation gets rolling. They get questioned and within that questioning they get scared especially if the kid has been on their watch in the last few days.
There was a discussion a couple weeks ago where the provider was heavily questioned/investigated when the child had shaken baby syndrome, but had not been in her care for 6 days, I think? Who was that?
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Leigh 11:08 AM 07-01-2014
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
BC and Nan, I'm sorry but this discussion of stats and abuse is not especially appropriate for this thread. Nobody knows yet if this was an abuse or neglect death. Its just a tragic death and I think Christina needs our sympathy and guidance ideas for the surviving.sibling, not stats about who commits the most abuse.

I mean no disrespect at all,, and these statistics ARE important,
but maybe a new thread for this. Sorry gals, just a thought.

Christina, I hope you are holding up Ok. Big hugs.
My sympathies definitely go out to those affected by this tragedy. However, I must address one thing: A 6 week old baby face down on a bed is no accident. It IS neglect at a minimum. I honestly think it's more like manslaughter. Everyone is informed when they leave the hospital of the dangers of stomach sleeping and having babies on mattresses meant for adults. I can't see this as an accident.
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NightOwl 11:27 AM 07-01-2014
Me either. Hospitals push the back to sleep stuff more than anything. And I'm sure this boyfriend was present at the hospital. If not, it's the mother's responsibility to leave her child with someone who actually knows not to put a 6 week old facedown on a bed.
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NightOwl 11:33 AM 07-01-2014
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
BC and Nan, I'm sorry but this discussion of stats and abuse is not especially appropriate for this thread. Nobody knows yet if this was an abuse or neglect death. Its just a tragic death and I think Christina needs our sympathy and guidance ideas for the surviving.sibling, not stats about who commits the most abuse.

I mean no disrespect at all,, and these statistics ARE important,
but maybe a new thread for this. Sorry gals, just a thought.

Christina, I hope you are holding up Ok. Big hugs.
I agree sugar. We kind of got off topic here. I don't think it was intentional tho.
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Sugar Magnolia 11:52 AM 07-01-2014
Originally Posted by Wednesday:
I agree sugar. We kind of got off topic here. I don't think it was intentional tho.
I just thought we should focus on supporting Christina, who came to us for support, not stats...... If anybody needs support, it's her right now.

Yes, it was probably neglect or ignorance that caused the death, I was just trying to say it was tragic.
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melilley 12:02 PM 07-01-2014
I read this yesterday and can't stop thinking about it. How tragic, my thoughts go out to the family and you and your staff.
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nannyde 04:10 PM 07-01-2014
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I just thought we should focus on supporting Christina, who came to us for support, not stats...... If anybody needs support, it's her right now.

Yes, it was probably neglect or ignorance that caused the death, I was just trying to say it was tragic.
I offered for her to call me. That's the best support I can give.
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Christina72684 06:11 AM 07-02-2014
Thank you all for the support, sharing stories, giving advice, etc. 3 yr old isn't here yet today and I don't know how long before the family gets back to a regular routine. She was a little more reserved yesterday than normal, even though she's always been really shy and keeps to herself most of the time. She gave me more hugs than normal and I let her help me do things like count out the dishes or pass out cups to help keep her busy. I wonder if she realizes what has really happened. I want to ask mom or grandma about it, but hate bringing it up. I'm sure it's always on their mind but I don't want to talk about it if they don't want to, ya know?
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Blackcat31 06:18 AM 07-02-2014
Originally Posted by Christina72684:
Thank you all for the support, sharing stories, giving advice, etc. 3 yr old isn't here yet today and I don't know how long before the family gets back to a regular routine. She was a little more reserved yesterday than normal, even though she's always been really shy and keeps to herself most of the time. She gave me more hugs than normal and I let her help me do things like count out the dishes or pass out cups to help keep her busy. I wonder if she realizes what has really happened. I want to ask mom or grandma about it, but hate bringing it up. I'm sure it's always on their mind but I don't want to talk about it if they don't want to, ya know?
You know it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to set up a meeting with the mom and/or grandma and discuss with them how they are handling things with the 3 yr old.

I would want to know how much they've told her, how they would like you to handle it and what things you may or may not hear her say and/or do and what they would like you say or not say to her..kwim?

I definitely thing the more routine life is for her at daycare the better but kids this age that are experiencing this type of trauma in their lives will often say things or behave in certain ways that can sometimes take us by surprise and being prepared as to what and how much to say in reply to her is important.

I also think it is a great way to show mom and grandma that you are there for them and are trying to be as supportive as possible.
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Heidi 06:24 AM 07-02-2014
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
You know it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to set up a meeting with the mom and/or grandma and discuss with them how they are handling things with the 3 yr old.

I would want to know how much they've told her, how they would like you to handle it and what things you may or may not hear her say and/or do and what they would like you say or not say to her..kwim?

I definitely thing the more routine life is for her at daycare the better but kids this age that are experiencing this type of trauma in their lives will often say things or behave in certain ways that can sometimes take us by surprise and being prepared as to what and how much to say in reply to her is important.

I also think it is a great way to show mom and grandma that you are there for them and are trying to be as supportive as possible.

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