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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>For The Love Of Pete... He's Just A Little Boy..
youretooloud 04:35 PM 06-22-2011
He's not even three. The mom wants absolute perfection from him.

She wants me to find him a behavior specialist.

I honestly do NOT see any reason to think he needs anything at all. He's a nice, sweet, generous two year old boy. He's cute. He's no more difficult than the other boy the same age.

I can't EVER, ever tell his mom anything he's done wrong, no matter how small, or she gets so mad at him.

If his shoes are on wrong, he's in trouble. Nothing is good enough for her. I

He wet his pants today several times. I washed a load of clothes just so he wouldn't get caught, and redressed him, and he wet them again. "Okaaay, well, now kid, I can't help you." So, she is furious with him.

I am in way over my head with this lady. But, I really like the kids, and they are only here for a few months while Dad is in Iraq. When he comes back, they are going to where ever he gets stationed next. I actually fear for this kid. But, I have nothing I can say to CPS. "She's mean to him". She's never hurt him... she's just mean to him. It's a parenting choice really, not actual abuse. So, I just have to smile and say "He was wonderful today".

The other odd thing is, neither one of her kids cry when normal kids would cry. The baby fell between the table and a chair, and it left a red mark for 30 minutes... most babies would cry. She just looked at me like "Uh.. maybe you could get me out of here?". But, no crying.
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sharlan 04:41 PM 06-22-2011
Poor babies, don't you just want to hold on to them until dad comes home? Dad's gone and Mom's a B***H. Hopefully she's just overwhelmed being a single parent.

Why is it your responsibility to find a behavioral specialist? She's the mom, that's her job.
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youretooloud 04:46 PM 06-22-2011
Originally Posted by sharlan:
Poor babies, don't you just want to hold on to them until dad comes home? Dad's gone and Mom's a B***H. Hopefully she's just overwhelmed being a single parent.

Why is it your responsibility to find a behavioral specialist? She's the mom, that's her job.

I think she's got some other issues. She always seems like she's going to burst into tears. She's SO stressed out, and I don't see why really. She just seems like the unhappiest person in the world. About two weeks ago, she found out dad is coming home to visit for ten days. That was the first time I've seen her happy. Ironically, that was also the first day her baby girl stopped screaming non stop. SO, I think she is stressed, and the baby is stressed, and the boy is just too much for mom.

I don't even know of a behavioural specialist. So, I told her she needs to go through her pediatrician. But, I added in that I don't see any of the behaviors she's concerned about. That doesn't mean he's not displaying this at home... just not in front of me.
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sharlan 04:53 PM 06-22-2011
Does she have any type of support system that can give her a hand? She's in a tough situation trying to work a full time job and be both mother and father to two kids. She's in a vicious cycle. The more stressed she gets, the more stressed the kids get, the more they act out, the more stressed she gets, etc.

Do you feel that she is a danger to her kids? If the answer is yes, a call to the base commander may be in order.
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kidkair 04:55 PM 06-22-2011
I'd be stressed out if I didn't get to see my husband too. I feel sorry for the wives who are stuck with the kids day in and day out with no help at home. It's perfectly understandable for her to be stressed to tears and unable to see the stress she's under is effecting her children. Maybe suggest that instead of a behavior specialist she should get a teenage babysitter to help out at home a few days a week so she has someone to help her out with the evening chores and help out with getting much needed one on one time with each of her kids.
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Kaddidle Care 05:43 PM 06-22-2011
Wow! She sounds like she could use some deep breathing lessons. (And maybe a friend too.)

Also mention to her how well her boy is doing. A lot of boys aren't fully potty trained until 4! Some even wet the bed at night later than that!

As far as them not crying, I have a neighbor that doesn't allow their children to carry on when they get hurt. She may be the same. They are good, obedient kids that take life's knocks with a grain of salt. Everyone's form of parenting is different.

Stress (and I use that term lightly) the good and only mention the bad if it's something really horrible. Help her to enjoy her children.
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Sugar Magnolia 06:54 PM 06-22-2011
Originally Posted by youretooloud:
I think she's got some other issues. She always seems like she's going to burst into tears. She's SO stressed out, and I don't see why really. She just seems like the unhappiest person in the world. About two weeks ago, she found out dad is coming home to visit for ten days. That was the first time I've seen her happy......
Its Iraq. Its soooooo hard. Please, please be patient with her. These families have to deal with so much, stuff us non-military people don't understand. She needs a friend and sympathy. A little inderstanding means a LOT LOT LOT to the ones left behind by deployment. Thank you for caring for these children hugs ()
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Auntie 06:59 PM 06-22-2011
Maybe offer to keep the kids longer one day and tell her to go out to a movie with a friend or dinner.
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youretooloud 07:30 PM 06-22-2011
Well, I bought the boy some new shorts, and I already have undies here, so I'll just change him out of his shorts and chonies in the mornings, then, change him back in the afternoon. That way, she'll never know. (unless she asks.. I'm not a good liar)

I'm going to not only be super supportive, I'm going to try to set the little guy up for success every day, and try to make sure he's totally ready before mom gets there so she's more relaxed.
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Kaddidle Care 07:49 PM 06-22-2011
You go girl!
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sharlan 07:54 PM 06-22-2011
I want this little guy and his sister.................
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PeanutsGalore 11:13 PM 06-22-2011
Originally Posted by youretooloud:
Well, I bought the boy some new shorts, and I already have undies here, so I'll just change him out of his shorts and chonies in the mornings, then, change him back in the afternoon. That way, she'll never know. (unless she asks.. I'm not a good liar)

I'm going to not only be super supportive, I'm going to try to set the little guy up for success every day, and try to make sure he's totally ready before mom gets there so she's more relaxed.
You are so awesome, I love this! I also think that if there's any way you could offer to take the kids so she could have some mommy time and get a movie in, or a pedi, or take a jog, or have a bath with a glass of wine and a good book...that would be tremendously beneficial to her. For free, of course.

Or maybe you know of someone who can do it for her. If I lived near you, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
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QualiTcare 11:34 PM 06-22-2011
maybe she thinks if you tell her about something the boy has done "wrong" then it's worth being upset over? otherwise, why tell? i could understand that line of thinking, "well, you're telling me this, so it must be a problem." i'm sure that's not the case and maybe you're just making conversation, but she probably sees it as her son is being "bad" at daycare and you want her to know.

i think it's funny that we always complain about how parents aren't strict enough, and now this parent is too strict.

my kids didn't cry a lot over bumps and scrapes either and it was intentional "training" so they wouldn't. i didn't want them crying and wanting a production over every stumble like sooo many kids do because their parents feed into every whimper and put on a big show every time the baby falls. i would simply say, "uh oh!" in a sing song voice and talk like, "you're okay. get up" etc. and suddenly their lip would stop quivering and on they'd go. BUT when parents run every time their kid trips, pick them up, kiss them, and act like they're dying - they love it and they'll scream every time. let's face it - if a kid is REALLY hurt - they are going to cry no matter how well they're "trained" not to. i see nothing wrong with that aspect.

the getting upset over him having accidents or having his shoes on wrong sounds a little extreme, but i haven't met her so i don't know the interaction. meaning - is she really upset or does she want him to know she's not happy? just telling a kid you're not happy in a sweet voice doesn't usually work.

i know people probably thought i was "mean" when my kids got in trouble when they were toddlers bc i wouldn't pick them up and give them affection like i normally would bc i wanted them to KNOW that i was upset. picking them up, kissing them, and saying, "oh, it's okay" is not teaching them anything except that it IS okay even when it isn't. i've used this example before, but my daughter bit someone once (which she learned from being bitten) so when i picked her up from daycare, i didn't pick her up and hold her/kiss her like normally. i made her walk to the car (i know, abuse) and didn't talk to her except to tell her i was upset and NO BITING! i would see other moms come in and as the provider would be telling them about the biting, they'd be holding their kid, stroking their hair, and using a baby voice to say, "whadd'ya do that for?" which kid do you think stopped biting?

of course, they didn't get "in trouble" often so it was obvious to everyone that we had a good/affectionate relationship. so, how does the mom behave on the days her son hasn't done something "wrong"? does she seem happy to see the kids? are they happy to see her?
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CheekyChick 04:31 AM 06-23-2011
My (now) ex-husband worked out of town most of children's early years. It was hard, sad, frustrating - yet I NEVER took it out my children. IMO, the mom is the one who needs help, not those poor children.
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Kaddidle Care 05:08 AM 06-23-2011
Originally Posted by QualiTcare:
maybe she thinks if you tell her about something the boy has done "wrong" then it's worth being upset over? otherwise, why tell? i could understand that line of thinking, "well, you're telling me this, so it must be a problem." i'm sure that's not the case and maybe you're just making conversation, but she probably sees it as her son is being "bad" at daycare and you want her to know.

i think it's funny that we always complain about how parents aren't strict enough, and now this parent is too strict.

my kids didn't cry a lot over bumps and scrapes either and it was intentional "training" so they wouldn't. i didn't want them crying and wanting a production over every stumble like sooo many kids do because their parents feed into every whimper and put on a big show every time the baby falls. i would simply say, "uh oh!" in a sing song voice and talk like, "you're okay. get up" etc. and suddenly their lip would stop quivering and on they'd go. BUT when parents run every time their kid trips, pick them up, kiss them, and act like they're dying - they love it and they'll scream every time. let's face it - if a kid is REALLY hurt - they are going to cry no matter how well they're "trained" not to. i see nothing wrong with that aspect.

the getting upset over him having accidents or having his shoes on wrong sounds a little extreme, but i haven't met her so i don't know the interaction. meaning - is she really upset or does she want him to know she's not happy? just telling a kid you're not happy in a sweet voice doesn't usually work.

i know people probably thought i was "mean" when my kids got in trouble when they were toddlers bc i wouldn't pick them up and give them affection like i normally would bc i wanted them to KNOW that i was upset. picking them up, kissing them, and saying, "oh, it's okay" is not teaching them anything except that it IS okay even when it isn't. i've used this example before, but my daughter bit someone once (which she learned from being bitten) so when i picked her up from daycare, i didn't pick her up and hold her/kiss her like normally. i made her walk to the car (i know, abuse) and didn't talk to her except to tell her i was upset and NO BITING! i would see other moms come in and as the provider would be telling them about the biting, they'd be holding their kid, stroking their hair, and using a baby voice to say, "whadd'ya do that for?" which kid do you think stopped biting?

of course, they didn't get "in trouble" often so it was obvious to everyone that we had a good/affectionate relationship. so, how does the mom behave on the days her son hasn't done something "wrong"? does she seem happy to see the kids? are they happy to see her?
I get ya!

Where I work when the kids fall down I'll usually say "Yay! or Cool!" and sometimes my co-workers look at me like I have 2 heads - UNTIL the child gets up, grins, brushes off and moves on.

Sometimes they go down and then look at you like "did you see that?" and they look for your reaction. Then they react accordingly.

Like QualTCare said, if they are REALLY hurt, they're going to cry no matter what. Then I handle things differently.
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jessrlee 05:22 AM 06-23-2011
Call me horrible but if she is married to a soldier she needs to learn to deal. We are on our third yearly deployment in less than 5 years, I run a daycare full of kids, and parents, and stresses, and I have NEVER treated our kids this way! You are right, it is just awful that many times I have had to face the very real idea of my husband dying, and still had to be a wife, mother, and go to work with a smile on my face. But EVERYONE has stress and things in their life that could make then react. This is no excuse.

In my opinion someone needs to call the Chaplain and get her some coping classes. All it takes is enough stress and a glass of spilled milk, wet pants, tantrum, etc. before the poor kiddos get truly hurt. There are tons of options available to her, and you can call the Chaplain and ask that it is confidential. Please call them, she sounds depressed and at the end of her thread.
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Meeko 06:48 AM 06-23-2011
I was a military wife for 20 years. It can be VERY stressful. At the time of the first Desert Storm, I was a young mother of two boys and was doing day care on our air force base. Having my husband gone for months at a time was gut-wrenching. I cried myself to sleep many nights, wondering if I was going to be a single parent, wondering if I had remembered to pay all the bills while working 12 hours a day and coping with active boys. etc etc...

I was lucky to have a very good relationship with other wives on the base...I was active in church and in touch with my husband's superiors daily. The support chain was wonderful. My own parents called me almost daily from England. I never did find out what their phone bills looked like!!

This mom may not be so lucky. Feeling alone is a dreadful thing and she may be at the end of her rope. Try and be as supportive as you can. I would not tell her any "bad" news unless you feel you have to. Maybe ask about her husband...ask if there is anything she needs. Just knowing someone cares makes all the difference. Maybe put a bar of chocolate and a note in the diaper bag for her to find later. Little things mean a lot.

I usually try to stay out of the personal business of my clients...but there are exceptions. To me...this would be one. I am very close to one former client who was being abused my her husband. Her family live in Belize and she was alone with nobody for support. She's doing great now, but she needed our help and the "stay out of clients business" went out the window. It was our duty to help.

However...bottom line is the children must be protected. If you think for a second they could be in danger...please do something.
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sahm2three 07:47 AM 06-23-2011
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
Its Iraq. Its soooooo hard. Please, please be patient with her. These families have to deal with so much, stuff us non-military people don't understand. She needs a friend and sympathy. A little inderstanding means a LOT LOT LOT to the ones left behind by deployment. Thank you for caring for these children hugs ()
This! Of course she is stressed out. She is under a lot of stress! She is worried about her husband and taking care of their children on her own. I say give her a hug and tell her how wonderful her kids are!
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Cat Herder 07:59 AM 06-23-2011
Originally Posted by jessrlee:
Call me horrible but if she is married to a soldier she needs to learn to deal. We are on our third yearly deployment in less than 5 years, I run a daycare full of kids, and parents, and stresses, and I have NEVER treated our kids this way! You are right, it is just awful that many times I have had to face the very real idea of my husband dying, and still had to be a wife, mother, and go to work with a smile on my face. But EVERYONE has stress and things in their life that could make then react. This is no excuse.

In my opinion someone needs to call the Chaplain and get her some coping classes. All it takes is enough stress and a glass of spilled milk, wet pants, tantrum, etc. before the poor kiddos get truly hurt. There are tons of options available to her, and you can call the Chaplain and ask that it is confidential. Please call them, she sounds depressed and at the end of her thread.
Sending love. You rock!!!
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christinaskids 08:11 AM 06-23-2011
Maybe you could pull her aside and tell her that you are concerned about her and her stress level and if there is anytime she needs to talk, you could offer to be there for her. I would tell her that you are concerned that her stress is affecting the kids which I am sure she doesn't want. And yes, even married parents need breaks, so offering to watch the children for an evening so she can get a massage, or shop, or take a nap or bubble bath might mean the world to her. The main cause of abuse is stress.
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littlemissmuffet 09:13 AM 06-23-2011
There are lots of single parents out there, with all kinds of stress and all kinds of unfortunate situations to deal with that don't get mad at their children for having a bathroom accident or putting their shoes on the wrong feet. He's 2! There's no excuse.

I am all for not making a big deal when kids get "hurt" - it's life, and the sooner they find out that the best way to deal with these things is to just get up, brush themselves off and carry on without putting on a huge production that would win them a best acting award! So if these kids aren't crying when they fall when another baby or child would, I don't see a problem there. I do see a problem with mom being a bitch because her husband's gone and all the burden is on her... she's certainly not alone and it's HER job to find ways to deal with it, so the kids don't have to.
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jojosmommy 11:29 AM 06-23-2011
Look in the gov't section of your yellow pages for county veterans services. Call them and ask them what services they offer to families with 1 parent deployed. Hopefully in your area they have services to help support a mother in this circumstance. Also, call your resource and referral agency. Ours works in conjunction with Beyond the Yellow Ribbon and can provide services including but not limited to respite care for mom to take time for herself. Ours also has support groups, fun things for the kids to do with the parent through out the year (like free carnivals, free book giveaways, mental health support for both parent and mom etc).

My husband is a veteran and these services are far too often overlooked and it is very hard to be at home while your partner is deployed.


Sounds like this mom just wants to be able to show her husband that she did a good job while he was away. Unfortunatly she might be expecting too much of the kids so that she can feel good about all that they have learned while daddy was away. It's alot of pressure to be the only one taking care of the kids and then have someone come back. My heart aches for this lady and her kids. Support her.
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rbmom 11:34 AM 06-23-2011
Originally Posted by youretooloud:
Well, I bought the boy some new shorts, and I already have undies here, so I'll just change him out of his shorts and chonies in the mornings, then, change him back in the afternoon. That way, she'll never know. (unless she asks.. I'm not a good liar)

I'm going to not only be super supportive, I'm going to try to set the little guy up for success every day, and try to make sure he's totally ready before mom gets there so she's more relaxed.
Sounds great! Awesome of you to do!
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Tags:behavior specialist, expectations, mommy dearest, parent - unrealistic expectations
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