I have been feeling very torn lately. This is only my 2nd year in, and I am now looking for an exit strategy. I started my daycare with the goals of 1) being able to continue staying home with my kids & homeschooling, and 2) making enough money to begin really paying down our debts.

Between the start-up costs, daily daycare expenses like paper towels, toilet paper, paper plates, food, etc., and paying for constant training to comply with licensing regulations, I have actually pushed my family deeper into debt this past year rather than making a profit. It makes me sick to think of how much I have put into this, and yet I've barely made a dime. There are so many other providers in my area, I have had the same 3 kids the whole year. There's a lot of competition.

Homeschooling has become way more of a chore and much less fun & hands-on than it used to be. This is due mostly to the fact that I am so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open to help the kids with their lessons during quiet time, much less plan engaging lessons for them.

There is so much pressure coming from the parents and the state, and this is such a thankless job, I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't know how people manage to do this for years and years, but I tip my hat to those of you that do. You all must be made of stronger stuff than me.

My goal now is to somehow get to the point where I can close. I want to focus my time on my own family & kids; I hate that I spend 10+ hours a day giving my very best to other people's kids, and my own family gets the worst of me at the end of each day. I have a VERY big issue with being told what to do in my own home; I have very different views on education & child development than the state education department does (which oversees our daycare licensing), which is one reason why I chose to homeschool my own kids in the first place. I still feel a responsibility to my daycare kids & their parents, and I know I am going to feel incredibly, heart-wrenchingly guilty for closing -- but maybe that's part of my problem. Maybe my personality is just not cut out for this. I do not like to feel like a fish in a bowl, under constant scrutiny and evaluation by other parents.

Someone please tell me I'm not alone. Someone please tell me I'm not being selfish in wanting to do what I feel is best for my family. I certainly know my dc parents always do what's best for their own families, so why do I feel guilty for feeling that closing my daycare is what's best for mine? One of my families told me at the interview that I was such a blessing to them bc they couldn't find anyone else in my school district who could take both of their kids (no one with both an infant & school-age spot). My closing will put them in a bind, and while I know that's not my problem, I still can't help feeling guilty for it. Sigh.

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