Need To Have Honest Convo With A Friend

[Ac114]

One of my longtime friends came to me in a pinch for childcare 2 days a week. I know it can muddy the waters a bit when you do care for friends or family but they were in a pinch so I decided to help out. I’ve never really agreed on their parenting choices but their the parent and it is what it is. But now I’m witnessing first hand that their extreme lack of parenting is not ok and need to have an honest convo with my friend but not sure how to word it or start it. This child is an only child, age 6 going into first grade, extremely spoiled and is babysat by tablet, Xbox or tv. These are some basic skills he lacks...

-can not take off/or put on shoes
-does not know the right feet that shoes go on
-does not know birthday
-does not know his age or grade level
-can not dress himself
-does not play well with others, take toys, everything is his etc

And this is only the 2nd day of watching him so I’m sure I’ll witness more. He does not have any development delays, it’s literally because his parents still dress him and do everything for him. She takes his shoes off for him when he came through the door.

I’m kind of surprised he got through kindergarten without a mention of these things or at least taught some of these things but I feel like I should bring this up. Or should I just try and teach him these things and not say anything? It saddens me.

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by Ac114

but I feel like I should bring this up. Or should I just try and teach him these things and not say anything? It saddens me.

If you think mom/dad will listen AND change because of your input, do tell.

If not, leave your friendship intact.

If this child is 6 yrs old I highly doubt the parents aren't "aware" of the issues and if they really haven't altered their parenting style in 6 years, they more than likely aren't going to until they HAVE to.

I would decide personally if you are willing/able to continue providing services....(WHY were they in a pinch in the first place) and if you can/will...then provide supervision, redirection and guidance the days you have him (it's summer so it's 99% play all day right now) and if you aren't willing or don't want to, then just tell your friend you arent a good fit for him.

Don't diss their parenting just say the expectations for kids in your care (self dressing, pro social behaviors) don't match his abilities. I wouldn't offer or attempt to "fix" anything in this situation.

FWIW~ I would probably have different advice if this weren't a friend.

[Cat Herder]

You can't have a professional relationship with a friend.

[Ac114]

Originally Posted by Blackcat31

If you think mom/dad will listen AND change because of your input, do tell.

If not, leave your friendship intact.

If this child is 6 yrs old I highly doubt the parents aren't "aware" of the issues and if they really haven't altered their parenting style in 6 years, they more than likely aren't going to until they HAVE to.

I would decide personally if you are willing/able to continue providing services....(WHY were they in a pinch in the first place) and if you can/will...then provide supervision, redirection and guidance the days you have him (it's summer so it's 99% play all day right now) and if you aren't willing or don't want to, then just tell your friend you arent a good fit for him.

Don't diss their parenting just say the expectations for kids in your care (self dressing, pro social behaviors) don't match his abilities. I wouldn't offer or attempt to "fix" anything in this situation.

FWIW~ I would probably have different advice if this weren't a friend.

Grandma keeps him during the year when he is in school, and they hire a nanny in the summer because she goes down to their house they have in Florida. Well nanny backed out 2 days before she was supposed to start.

I don’t want to ruin our friendship so I wasn’t sure if it was even something I would bring up and I only have him until school starts again for 2 days a week. Other grandma said she would pick up the other days.

I’ll probably just help him while he is here and skip the convo. It just makes me sad for him.

[rosieteddy]

To keep your friendship I would skip the convo.That being said I would ease him into your routine.He will probally pick up skills from the other children.He probally can do some ,but why try if you can get someone else to do it right.For only 2 days a week I would keep your friendship in tack.At the end of the time I would not take him vacations or school vacations.

[Ariana]

I would not have a heart to heart because chances are they know what they are doing and they do not care. Chances are the child had a helper in kinder which is a more advanced child helping him every day. They do this in my daughters classroom at least because the teacher cannot help everyone.

I would start working on those skills and then tell her about it casually “he had a great day, we have been working on some self help skills and so far is he trying his best” or whatever. Let her know you are concerned but not make it about her crappy parenting. No one wants to be told they are a crappy parent and it will ruin your relationship. Maybe saying it casually will open the lines of communication as well. There have been times when I have mentioned it casualky to parents and they might say “oh I know I really need to start working on that more” et and it has actually helped.

[Ac114]

Originally Posted by Ariana

I would not have a heart to heart because chances are they know what they are doing and they do not care. Chances are the child had a helper in kinder which is a more advanced child helping him every day. They do this in my daughters classroom at least because the teacher cannot help everyone.

I would start working on those skills and then tell her about it casually “he had a great day, we have been working on some self help skills and so far is he trying his best” or whatever. Let her know you are concerned but not make it about her crappy parenting. No one wants to be told they are a crappy parent and it will ruin your relationship. Maybe saying it casually will open the lines of communication as well. There have been times when I have mentioned it casualky to parents and they might say “oh I know I really need to start working on that more” et and it has actually helped.

This is really good advice, I’ll try this and keep working with him on the days that I have him.

I would see what happens when you ask him to do these things for himself. I had a 4 year old boy who at first acted like he couldn't do anything, because mom did everything for him. Wouldn't even wipe his butt.

After the first week, I started telling him he had to try it himself, and if he really couldn't do it, I would help him. It only took about a week, and he was doing things himself. Getting dressed, dishes to the sink, sharing, shoes, etc.

Mom couldn't believe it, and said he wouldn't do any of it at home. Why would he, when she does everything? Your boy may have been completely different at school.