Has anyone ever had a child that acted like this?

I have a 3yo dcb who is the best behaved child in my care. Honestly, one of the best behaved children that I have ever had in care. He is kind, polite, listens well, eats well, naps well, etc. I wish I could clone him.

The SECOND he sees his parent/s at pickup, it is a different kid. He is screaming on the floor temper tantrum, hitting, kicking, etc. Mom says that this behavior has become so severe at home he throws massive 'rage' fits where he doesn't cry, he yells/screams, throws things and breaks things. Over the weekend it was so severe Mom put him in in his room with everything removed and he continued to carry on for over an hour.

I just received an email from Mom essentially blaming me for his behavior. Nothing has changed at home, so it MUST be daycare. Um, WHAT!? Nothing has changed here and he behaves DRASTICALLY different for me.

I have no idea what to even say in response to this, as I am so dumbfounded that his behavior on SATURDAY EVENING, (or ANY day/evening) has ANYTHING to do with something that happened during his day on THURSDAY(T-Th). He speaks well, and has never voiced anything negative to Mom about me/kids, etc other than "I no wanna go Miss. ****** house, I no wike NAP!" He tells me the SAME thing, and then falls asleep in 5 minutes.

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They probably don't discipline consistently so he is always testing them. I have a 3 yr old little girl that is like that.. although she is not an angel for me but she knows I won't let her get away with it so she is much better for me.

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I wonder how consistant the parents are at home. When he is with you he now what to expect and what is expected of him. Some of the parents have no or very little structure one day their are rules the next day there are no becuase some parents think it is too much work to enforce them.


I have the same child here only I know her issues are her parent as soon as mom come to pick up she is running past mom out the door into the road MOM HAS NO CONTROL. As mom is try to get her into the car sa brother gets out of car and is trampling through the woods in the lot next to my house.

Now this same child has no problem getting into the car for me we walk out the door she sit in the driveway until it is her turn to be buckled in with no problem.

I think some of the parents are just lazy and want to blame their child's behavior on anyone but themselves.

sorry for the rant.

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Oh wow,I have this kid!

Same thing, he's the best one I have and I wish all of my kids were like him. He tells me he loves me, gives me hugs and kisses, naps great, is very kind.

Mom says he is a complete terror for her at home.

The only thing I can think of (and I have tried suggesting it to Mom in a subtle way) is that he really thrives on his routine here. I mean he loves it. he is the first one up after nap putting nap mats away and going potty and washing his hands for snack.

I just don't think she has the time or wants to put in the effort to implement something like this at home.

Maybe something like that is happening with your dck.

I would be livid if she was blaming me for her lax parenting!

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I would just tell her he is an angel at your house and that's all you care about. I would immediately start the buh bye outside program and stick to it until he and his Mom can behave themselves when they are on your property.

You are allowing both of them to act up on your property and in front of you. YOU have to be the leader and set strict boundaries for their public behavior in your private home.

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I am typing up an email in response now.

Thank you all for your insight! I really thought I was alone in this as it is the first time a kid pulled a complete jekyl/hyde on me!

He really does love routine. Mom is really defensive on what she does/doesn't do as far as discipline. She uses a lot of redirection, gets him to use his words, etc. The difference between her and I in this sense is that EVERYTHING he does has to have a reason/feeling/cause, and imho she focuses more on that then what he is actually doing, instead of it purely being a manipulative behavior to get attention. I have told her that he strives on positive attention and when I give it for something (using manners, offering to share a toy) he repeats that same behavior.

I really believe that she is just a stressed, tired, busy, working Mom that has too much on her plate and is only reacting to dcb's negative behavior. Dcb has now learned that at home, the squeeky wheel gets the grease. Here, I give ZERO attention to negative behavior whenever possible and reward the daylights out of good behavior.

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I've found this to always be the case when the child is a terror at home and wonderful here.

I had a child that behaved very poorly here. I suspended him, then got blamed for his bad behavior (which is a result of not being disciplined at home) and termed them immediately.

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I'd venture to say a good quarter of the kids I've had were like this.

It's the parents problem and they don't like that, so they're trying to blame you and make it yours.


If a parent has trouble with boundaries and consistency it's not at all unusual for a child to take full advantage.


Dear Mom,

Frankly, I'm more than a little shocked at what you've just shared. Your son is by far the best behaved child in my care at the moment and aside from the obviously tumultuous pick ups (which can be the result of many things) he's been a dream to care for. He is kind, polite, listens well, eats well, naps well...there really aren't enough good things I can say about his overall behavior.

When you imply something must be going on here at daycare I do wonder what your thoughts are exactly? Nothing has changed routine wise and his behavior has remained consistent throughout. He was perfectly fine when he left on Thursday so I'm pretty concerned as that doesn't sound like him to me AT ALL. Did anything happen Friday or Saturday that might have gotten him so upset and wound up? I'm curious what sort of schedule or routine you follow that might be different than what I do here that could be throwing him off when he goes home too. Lots of children struggle if there are differences, maybe we can sort out if there's anything going on like that?

If there's anything I can do to help or assist you in getting to the bottom of this please, by all means let me know. All I can tell you based on the concern in your initial email is that for the very most part he has always been wonderfully behaved here. I hope we can work together to get to the bottom of this so things are as easy for you at home.

Sincerely,
Provider



In short - The problem is obviously yours, not mine *BUT* I'm going to be professional and sympathetic and try to help you sort out the root of your problem as a parent (not his).

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I once had a boy like that as well. He was 18 months old when I got him and at the interview his mom portrayed him as being such the monster child that I spent that weekend revamping my entire daycare to accomodate him.

I actually sectioned of part of the room with like a fenced area so he couldn't get into the portion used for crafts, arts, coloring ect and disturb the kids that would be doing those activities who were older.

He was such a model child that the mom could not believe it when I told hre how good he was and I told her I would video tape him to prove it to her. He was one of the best kids I ever had and the other dck's absolutely loved him. They all looked out for him and took him under their wing as his protectors (he didn't actually need protecting, but there was just something about him they all loved so much it was unreal).

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I will venture to say that 100% of the children act differently to an extent at daycare versus home. It's no different from how WE act differently at a work place setting versus home. At home, I tend to be a bit more OCD and controlling, whereas at a work place I tend to be laid back and nice. It's all in how a person wants to portray themselves. Plus, it's an entirely different setting. Children at home are either the only child or with different aged siblings and their parents. They may feel more comfortable and/or be more willing to test the boundaries of their parents. At daycare/preschool/school, they are with other children closer to their age and act accordingly. On top of that, many children inherently want to act "good" for their provider/teacher.

I know from my personal experience, my children tend to test me a lot at home. When they are in the care of my mom (their grandma) for whatever reason or we drop them off at the gym child watch, they act completely different (usually better behaved because they are not so inclined to test the boundaries).

But yes, I can see what you are saying...3 children who I watch in particular put on quite a show for their parents at home (I know because I hear about it later) and they would never attempt to pull those kind of stunts on me. It baffles me that these angelic children act so poorly for their parents!

If I were in your shoes, I would just explain this to the mother and hope she understands. If she cannot grasp the concept, maybe it's time to part ways.

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That would be my DD2, age 8y but has always been like this. She is an angel at school, friends houses, etc but a terror some days at home. She has anxiety and is spirited. I think she holds it in all day and needs to let it out at home where she feels safe. It's been a long road but we know now how to control it, what she needs, etc to help her and her 2 hour screaming/throwing fits are hardly ever now or alot less and alot shorter.

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I wrote her a lengthy email and cited a few parenting websites with articles relating to this.

She never responded, and she is typically very quick to email me back (within minutes) so she is probably mad. Dad said at pickup tonight that ALL dcb does at home is cry/whine and throw fits. All night, all day when he is home. I asked Dad how he behaved when they take him out. FINE.

Yup, he totally doesn't want to act like a fool in the store, but he KNOWS there are no consequences for his parents. MY FAULT!

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My daughter was the opposite. She was pretty good at home a terror at school. We ended up taking her to a psychologist and the psychologist wanted us to ask her if she had any questions about being adopted. We talked to her and we found out that she was worried that we would give her back to the adoption agency if she wasn't good. This really tore at our hearts. You never know what is going on in a kids head.

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I also thought that it could be him holding behavior in/feelings in and then releasing that pent up energy at the end of the day, but he does it first thing Friday morning as well.

He hasn't always been this way, this is in the last 3ish months.

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Wonder if something is going on at home and mom and dad are in denial, or even irritated thinking it shouldn't be bothering him?

Who watches him on the days he's not with you?

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Wow, none of my DC kids are that bad but they ALL act differently with their parents than they do with me. I hear that from all of my clients BUT like I said, none behave that bad with me even when their parent is here. They do act silly and sometimes get louder or run (which I remind them is against the rules) but their parents also tell them something and back me up.

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OMgoodness!! I can site several children and issues like this. Almost always it is a passive parent. One who is not in control and the child knows. Here there are rules and broken rules had consequences. No second chances. Done. But when moms walk in the door (or dads ) the child is a totally other child. Why? Because mom/dad allow it.

I have a child here now who is a little ADHD. He does have trouble following directions. But you know what....I take him and 4-5 other children to the park and out to lunch and to the library and for walks, etc and he does fine for me. I have set rules. You can follow them or sit next to be and be my new best 'friend' for the day. His choice. He is good for me. They have to carry him in and out of the house cause 'he is a runner' and doesn't listen. Seriously? But I clearly see my allow things I would never. She is an enabler. And she pays for it in the end. The child will be the leader and mom and dad will be nothing but stressed out.

Had same issue with a 'horror' child. I mean, bad. Simply put. She threw tantrums that would put most to shame. She threw her food. Demanded. Thought she ruled. We had a TON of stand offs. After a while she became fairly perfect here. These are my rules here. You can follow them and have fun or you can sit there and scream but no one is listening. Her choice. But when mom showed? OMGoodness! It was like another child. She was horrible. But mom never said anything! She didn't last long here.

I think you handled it fine. I think showing her parenting sites is a good thing. It is clearly stated. Your issues is what is going on when that child is there. They need to deal with the child on their own turf and take some sort of responsibility.

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LOL Love it

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The only difference that they have said/I am aware of is that he is home MORE and has more time with his parents. He went from M-F, to T-TH. Mom works from home on Mon/Fri.

It was crazy. Today at pickup Dad came in without dcb seeing him. He was playing happily, sharing toys, and laughing. Dad was shocked, and I really think by his reaction they didn't fully believe me when I said how wonderful he was. The SECOND Dad called his name his whole demeanor changed and he started whining and kicking his feet and dropped the toys.

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Yup, sounds like the rest of my bunch. I have one who speaks perfectly. The second her Mom/Dad shows up she reverts to baby talk and mispronunciations.

Nothing this crazy before though!

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GOOD!!!!!

I'm so glad he had an opportunity to see first hand that this isn't an issue with you!!!


Plus, it's dad, so mom doesn't have an opportunity to twist her perception of things to him like overzealous and dramatic mom's sometimes tend to do

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One of my kids start to throw a fit as soon as his mom gets here, and now his sister is doing it too. I don't allow their fits during the day in my home, they have to sit on a time out stair if they want to throw a temper tantrum, but as soon as mom comes they start up. Drives MY husband batty. I tell their mom that they were fine two minutes before hand.

Should I place them in time out when they do this? Or do I just leave it to mom to handle?

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frgsonmysox (awesome screen name btw lol) - the answer to your questions depends on what you want to happen and what sort of backbone you have.

If you don't care if they keep up the shenanigans then by all means, let mom continue to (not) handle it.

If however it irks you or causes you problems then I'd let mom know that when they throw fits during the day they have a time out, and that needs to include when she's there. If they're in your home, you need to keep consequences consistent or it effects the way they act during the day as well as the rest of the kids in the group. Tell her what happens once they're buckled into her vehicle is all her business, but if it's happening in your home that's not ok.


(I wouldn't by a long shot let it continue and I'm sure your husband would appreciate you putting your foot down! Doesn't hurt to add something into your policies about behavior at pick up and drop off....something along the lines of if parents can't keep control during transition times you WILL step in to moderate the situation as long as they're on the premises for liability, peace and group preservation's sake)

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Bye bye outside!

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dcm emailed me back. Dcb screamed all night and intentionally wet/soiled himself 3 different times.

I just said that my only control was over his behavior at my house. I gave suggestions on how to handle his behavior at home, but she came back with "when he screams at your house, what works for you?" Um, he doesn't scream.

I now have dcm saying goodbye to dcb outside in the AM (no screaming, which she was calling separation anxiety and I was calling a temper tantrum) when they pick up, they are to call/text ahead and knock and I will pass dcb off. I worded it to Mom/Dad 'to reduce stress and anxiety on dcb and the other children in care....'

This morning at dropoff, I had dcm stand outside the door when she handed dcb off. Out of sight of dcb, but still within earshot. She got to hear dcb come in, remove his coat, hat and boots by himself, hang them up, go wash his hands, and come to eat breakfast with his friends and talk/laugh happily at the table.

I hope I have made my point clear in regards to his differing behavior. Dcb is a dream daycare kiddo and not one I want to lose over their lack of parenting skills.

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For me, I think all children act differently with their parents, I have seen many fits at pick up, the kid is involved in something doesn't want to stop, It may be because the kid can get away with it at home, it may be they have been holding it in all day, they may be going through some changes or a "phase" but unless the child is completely breaking my rules throwing stuff or something, I let the parents take charge, one thing I would Never ever say to a parent, is "wow they were fine just a minute ago" my only concern is how they are on my care, unless I feel they are being mistreated, I don't comment on it.

When I had my son in daycare it was really really hard on me, I was a great daycare parent, I would drop him in the door and leave right away if he were crying, if he threw a fit when I had to pick him up because he was playing, I would just pick him up grab his stuff and leave, but inside it really hurt me that he threw a fit being picked up,( I really felt like he didn't want to be with me) and he was going through a major fit stage, at home I always just put him down and completely ignored him( he was smaller than 3) but whenever I would ask how his day was at daycare, she would always respond the same to me"he had a good day" so then when I wuold get home and he would throw tantrums, I got really sad, thinking he always had a good day at her house, and sometimes I felt like he didn't like me ( I know its stupid, but I hated not being with him, hence how my status changed) I did find out later when I started staying home with him that he would have bad days at daycare, I would have felt so much better had she pointed this out to me once in a while and been honest with me.

It embarrassed me when I would pick him up and he would start screaming, I always felt like she was thinking he never did that for her, and that she felt like he was happier obviously at her house, I was super jealous of her, which made me not like her, and if she would have ever sent me articles on parenting or something, I guarantee I would have quit my job right there. Because I would have taken it as her telling me she was better with my child than I were, and it would have totally made me defensive........

I'm just being honest on how I felt as a first time parent with my little one at daycare, now I was never meant to be a working mom, and I know that the way I felt was not rational now, I know now that I do daycare, kids even though they have a great time here, are the happiest at home with mom and dad, and when a kid acts up at pick up time, and I can tell a parent is a little uncomfortable as they were fine when they walked in the door I will say "they always act different for mom and dad, they love you the most, or they hold a lot in during the day, I have had a couple moms who were just like me, and if a kid has a hard day, when mommy picks up, and asks about the day, I will always say "little sweety missed his mommy today" I have a little girl whos a total daddys girl, and mommy works alot during Tax season, and the other day was asking for mommy alot, and I told daddy to tell mom that, not in a you should feel guilty way, but she wanted mommy today not daddy way.

Its none of my business how things happen at home unless your suspecting abuse, if it just a case of mom and dad letting a kid walk all over them thats their business, they love their kid and are raising them the way they see fit(not that some of these ways dont just make me want to point out the wrongness) but its their life, and I would never try to make a parent feel like I am doing something much better than them, because their child behaves so much better for me. Anyways I'm just trying to point out feelings from the other side, of a possibly jealous parent, which yes I was, but I would have never been able to see the other side of things until I opened my own daycare.

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But Jewels, did you ever accuse your provider of lying? Or blame your sons provider for his behavior at home?

Did you ever assume his actions around you were all the providers fault?


Daycarediva has no reason to lie here. The kid sounds like a dream and there are plenty like that. So is she supposed to lie to mom to make her feel better about them struggling with him at home? Tell her and dad that he has hard days in care just so they don't feel inadequate?

I think your experiences and what's going on here are night and day. Some parents definitely prefer to pass the buck as opposed to taking responsibility for their child's behavior. Nothing they ever do is wrong and if their child misbehaves it's always someone or something else's fault.

Coddling people like that by carefully handling their giant egos isn't going to solve anything for the child. On their own time that's their own business but when they start making accusations that a provider is creating the monster that's when something definitely needs to be said to the contrary. Being honest - it doesn't happen here - this is what I do here - are there any differences - to try to help a parent put the pieces together to sort out where the problem originates from isn't any kind of wrong imho.

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No of course not willow, I never lied, or blamed her, I'm not saying shes right shes not, I'm saying she just sounds jealous, and insecure, and shes handling it wrong, shes being immature about it, I was immature in my situation, but more at home to myself, and I never blamed the provider. Although I hated her, strictly jealous hating, I think this mom, feels like I did, and shes trying to get some reasurrance that her kid doesn't hate being home, for me I know my kid was throwing tantrums at daycare to, and for me I would have loved to have heard this, but she never wanted me to know, so in that way for me I felt like my kid disliked me, I know this is ignorant but he was only just under 2, and I was new to the parenting game. For this mom if she were one of my parents, instead of making it seem like he were a dream child here, I would simply try to make her feel a little better by saying thats kids behave differently for their parents because they love them the most, I think this is what a mom like this is needing to hear, I think shes feeling like a failure and passing the buck on to someone else, which is NOT right, but her feelings are clouding her judgement.

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Thank you for your side of things. It really helps to hear it from someone who has been there.

I am NOT willing to lie to the parents about his behavior here. He NEVER cries, he NEVER throws tantrums, he NEVER screams, he is never aggressive, always sweet, kind, polite and loveable. When I say dream child, I really mean it. I refuse to lie to make her feel better.

I am sympathetic to her as my ds is wonderful at preschool but misbehaves at home and told me he hated me (after I heard him telling his prek teacher he loved her) so yes, I totally understand.

I am always honest with my families about behavior. Good or bad.

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Not to be nit picky but what do you mean "making it seem" like he were a dream?

Sounds like this child is. So what is the OP supposed to do, lie and say he's not?

I've had kids that have *never* thrown a tantrum here but do so frequently at home.....if the parents were to act just as poorly in response are you saying I should lie to them and tell them their child is doing something here that they're not - just to make them feel better about allowing that behavior to occur at home?

(not being snarky, genuine question to try to get to the bottom of what you expect of the original poster......)


So a grown woman, behaving immaturely as you put it, should be coddled to try to manipulate her irrational feelings and nasty behaviors?

I'm sorry but no way would I ever do that. It's unethical to mislead and lie like that to any parent imho.

I don't believe kids tantrum to the level OP describes because they love their parents the most. The child is obviously in crisis if he's behaving the way the parents are experiencing and something serious *IS* going on in his life. That's not normal, healthy, or any kind of love. Parents who don't know or refuse to realize that a child is struggling that badly don't need things glossed over to spare their feelings, they need honesty and assistance to help them get their child to a better place.

It is not my job to enable poor parenting or irrational feelings.

I'm all about offering loads of praise and encouragement - but only when it is DESERVED. Certainly never in the spirit of deception.

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Yes I would also never lie, and I didn't mean that, for my situation my provider would not have been lying to me, as she told me later he threw bad tantrums at her house as well, he was in a "phase" she told me he would cry for sometime 30 minutes after I left, but she didn't want me to feel bad. I know this situation is different, I have a child who is amazing here I have never heard him through a tantrum or barely cry, but sometimes when mom picks up he melts down, this mom is wonderful and I know her on a personal level as well, and she doesn't let her kids take advantage of her, and I've told her before, that kids hold stuff in during the day and let it out for their parents. Thanks for understanding what I was trying to express, I was waiting for a backlash! And like I said shes totally not handling it right, but I would bet anything she is super jealous of you with her child, and shes taking it out on you, which in turn can make her feel like a failure, and make her let her kid get away with more at home, the guilty complex, trying to make him "love her more", I never did this, but I always made sure my son was never at her house longer than he had to, I always picked him up right away, never grocery shopped first, when my husband had a day off, He had to keep him home, even though he had stuff that he really wanted to get done like refinishing the deck, whenever he showed little symptoms of being sick even mildly with no fever, I kept him with me to make sure I was the one who took care of him not her, I was kind of crazy but it all stemmed from jealousy, like I thought she was trying to make him love her more. I laugh now and how I was, its seriously humourous, as I was never the jealous type until I had my first baby, and he made me crazy!

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Heres the backlash I was waiting for, I would not coddle her, that is not what I am saying, and when I say not make it seem, I mean I wouldn't say to her "Wow hes the absolute best kid I have here, don't know what your doing wrong" I don't mean lie, I mean I personally would have just said to her "He had a good day here, but alot of kids change around their parents, holding stuff in all day" this is just me personally, not how I'm telling people to handle stuff, I just personally, would never want to make it seem, like I thought my way of handling their child was better than theirs, and I'm not saying this is what happened, I was simply trying to point out what might be bringing out these behaviors in the mom, I'm not saying how to handle anything, I'm just saying why shes acting the way shes acting, And I'm saying how I personally would have, If it seems like he's being abused or something thats different, but I wouldn't know.

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And never in any of my posts did I say she should be lied to, I actually went back and re read them.

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I get this ALOT, I just don't know the answer. When the kids are with me, they are great. The minute they go home and are with parents they are aweful.

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I believe this was what the issue was. I am not making it seem that way, he really is! He also behaves beautifully in public (I have seen it) for Grandparents, for Aunts and for his weekend sitter. All from both Mom and Dad. It isn't JUST me.

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He is most certainly not being abused. I referred her to websites, not about her parenting, but about how many kids exhibit these behaviors and some of the reasons behind it. (pent up feelings, overtired, trying to be better in front of someone they are less comfortable with, acting like his friends do, etc)

I also never said he is the absolute best kid here, but I didn't lie. No, he doesnt exhibit those behaviors here. No, he does fine with transitions. If he were to ever throw a tantrum, or have a bad day, since it is so unusual, Mom would most certainly be notified. I don't regularly say to dcp's that dcb/g had a tantrum. They're 2. It's par for the course, kwim? but I do mention particularly bad/good days, etc.

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I completely absolutely totally get this. I was that way too, but I was a SAHM from the start. I just wanted to say I hear you! I "parent" my kids a lot different than I "parent" my daycare kids. When they're all together, they get the same treatment, but when my kids are mine alone, we're a lot more about "feelings" and "it's okay to be sad" and mushy stuff like that. It's impractical in a daycare setting, but it's MY parenting style. Sometimes I don't agree that a kid's perfect behavior is any indicator at all of their future success. But we shoot out these kids that have to fit inside the mold or else...

Sometimes my kids lose it at home, sometimes they do a LOT, but they are great with everyone else. I read an article once talking about how this can be a GOOD sign of parenting because the kids know how they are supposed to behave in society and do it. But at home they are in their "safe zone" where they can concentrate on the other things that are going on in their little hearts and brains besides behavior, and it gets overwhelming.

Maybe my beliefs aren't mainstream, but that's why I've chosen to make sacrifices and stay home with my kids! Not everyone has that luxury.

I have seen from these boards that doing daycare can make judgmental cynics out of any of us. It makes me sad. And daycarediva, in NO WAY am I directing this specifically at you!!! It's just an observation I've been making here since I joined. It's been on my mind.

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I'm sorry I was responding to willow, I knew my reply would be taken out of context from how I meant it, my initial post was just trying to say why she may be acting the way shes acting, I believe he is a great child, when I said make it seem I didn't mean like you were lying about his behaviour I guess I used the wrong phrase, I would never tell her her was a dream child for me, I wouldn't lie and say he was bad, I would just keep it short, He had a good day. Thats what I meant, I just think she is jealous and insecure, and its probably reflecting to how she treats and disciplines her child, letting him get away with more, so he loves her more and such, not wanting to make him upset, she doesn't get much time and doesn't want to feel guilty. I think the article about how kids hold stuff in and act differently was a great one to send, thats the kind of stuff I think she needs to know, but I think things will always seemed stained between you, and even though the child is great I don't know that I would continue to want to work with the parents, after what happened.

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I'm sorry, but I don't believe I took your post out of context.

To the contrary I think it is you who took the original scenario and took it out of context, trying to relate the same experience you had to what's going on here. Unfortunately what you're comparing is apples to green beans and I think that's where we're getting stuck..


No one in invalidating what YOU personally experienced, but it's not the same as what the OP is dealing with on any level. Not the ages, not the behaviors, not the way the parents are handling it, nada.

Did your child go home and tantrum 24/7? Was his behavior so severe at home he threw massive 'rage' fits where he didn't even cry, he instead yelled/screamed, threw things and busted up your house? Did you ever have to remove everything and pretty much shut him in his room where he still continued to carry on raging for over an hour? Did you then march up to your provider and put 100% of the blame squarely on her shoulders?

Because THAT'S the context we're discussing here.

It's not "backlash" to point out that discussing minor toddler tantrums doesn't compare to what the provider and child being discussed and his parents are currently experiencing at home.

If the child in the original post really was a dream with you, and to the contrary behaving in such an extreme way at home, would you really tell the mom it's no big deal? That his days with you are merely fine? That he was doing all all raging and tearing up the house - and to that extreme - because he loved her so much??

How would it help mom if she took her son to his pediatrician, or better yet a child behaviorist and told them his behavior at home is terrible. His provider says his days are simply good but doesn't elaborate so I highly doubt they're really all that good, in fact I suspect she may be lying to me entirely. Pediatrician or child behaviorist would probably assume provider IS lying or understating and start looking into a diagnosis like ADD, ADHD, autism etc.

-OR-

Would it help mom more if she took her son to his pediatrician or better yet a child behaviorist and told them his behavior at home is terrible while his behavior at home is abhorrent.....provider and I have discussed at length that he has great manners there, handles transitions fine, plays appropriately and is very respectful. In fact, she describes him as being a dream there.....I respect and believe her. Pediatrician or child behaviorist would then instead assume something is going on in just the family dynamic if the child can control himself in one area of his life and not at home. They could immediately investigate that, get to the bottom of it and help everyone get to a better place a lot sooner.


Do you see at all where I'm coming from?

It doesn't do anyone any favors to continue to enable or fudge reality here.

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I'm sorry I guess I messed the part where he tantrums 24/7, and NEVER has a happy moment at home, well for a child to scream for hours and hours and hours on end at home, then something must be wrong if its that severe.

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I really appreciate everyone's help, and I don't take anything personally, so no worries there.

Just peachy- how you refer to handling your kids is how I treat everyone. I am a second Mom to most of my kids and am hugged, kissed, told "I love you" and the kids are all free to be themselves in my care. (including this dcb). When all of the kids misbehave or are upset, I allow them to talk about their feelings, validate them, and then help them work on solutions. I may be paid, but I still love these kids. I have an obligation to help them feel safe, happy and yes, loved while they are in my care. THAT is the specific reason these DCP's decided to come to me instead of a preschool center. They said that they have a very similar parenting style/attachment parenting.

I have a larger update but will have to do that later as dinner is done.

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Hmm, perhaps that's your answer right there! Makes me sad for the poor kid at home.

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Dcm came in tonight and essentially confronted me. It was around everyones pickup times and another dcm was there for most of it. She is a pickup and run type, and Im sure she stayed just in case it got out of hand.

Dcm essentially said that dcb told her this morning he didn't want to come to my house and cried. That is HAS to have something to do with me or what has changed here in the last few weeks as nothing has changed at home, etc. She was visibly upset, and her voice was raised.

I should have told her to call me at X time, but I got pretty defensive. The whole thing lasted around 15 minutes! My DD was with the kids, or I would have told her to leave immediately.

I told DCM that DCB told me today DCD hasn't been home at night, and that dcm is gone when he wakes up.

Apparantly, in the last 2-3 weeks (the EXACT time frame this has been going on) DCD has been attending work conferences, and DCM didn't change her workout schedule, so DCB has been left with a neighbor/babysitter EVERY EVENING. They drop off at 7:00 and pick up at 5:30. They are usually 3 days but have picked up 1-2 more per week.

My other dcm came to my defense at one point and said that dcb loves me and she has witnessed it herself at different times of day at drop off and pickup and that her own son (who has been with me for over a year) has done nothing but improve his behavior and she has adopted many of my behavior techniques. She gave me a sympathetic "sorry" look after her little rant and left.

After DCM left, I checked her facebook page. Saturday she was out for coffee with friends (no dcb) saturday evening she went to dinner with different friends (no dcb) sunday she went on a run-that was over 2 hours (training for triathalons) no dcb.

This super sensitive, AP kid, has been getting almost ZERO face time with his parents.

I AM LIVID. I will be telling all of this to DCD at drop off tomorrow morning, and that they can either acknowledge this behavior is on them, or leave TOMORROW.

"Nothing has changed at home" MY BUTT!

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I would give them there notice, even though the boy is great I wouldn't be able to work with these parents after the mom straight out blaming you twice for the behavior,I just would not like her, and drop odds and pick ups would be to akward for me.

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So what happened at drop off?? I can not believe they don't get this! How can they not see the real issue??

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Dcm was screaming in the driveway, everyone could hear him inside the house. We are doing byebye outside, and the second he walked in, he smiled and hugged me and dcm started to cry. I really have to let them go at this point, since they seem bent on blaming me.


Dcb has said things to me like "My Mommy no wants to stay home wif me" etc. alllllll day.

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YES YES YES!!!!!
I had posted a thread exactly like this probably 2 months ago!

My 3 year old was excellent here, so soft spoken sometimes I couldn't hear him. When Mom pulled up EVERYDAY he became an instant demon. Kicking/ pushing kids, throwing toys, yelling NO to me! It was awful! He even one time at pick up while we were outside playing, ran into my empty house and went upstairs and hid underneath my son's bed!

Mom was a pro at the all talk no action! She always had a surprise in the car for him that he got after acting out at daycare. If I were him I would continue that behavior too, he got a toy daily for it!!

She is now a SAHM with a newborn, I can't imagine how that is going

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Did you mention you are letting the DCB go?? Does that mean you are terming them? I think this DCB adores you!!

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What a terrible situation for you AND DCB. He does seem to adore you and I am sure you care for him based on the things you have said here. I don't understand parents who want to ruin the relationship with the person providing a stable and loving atmosphere for their child. I don't understand how they cannot get that they have created this dynamic by clearly showing their child that face time with him is on the absolute bottom of their priority list. Kids are smart. They get when their parents don't want them around and then they act out as a result. It's not rocket science. And now he's going to lose the one person that loved having him around due to their accusations. It's terrible. I feel for you because I wouldn't tolerate that behavior from parents either and feel for the kid because he may lose you due to their poor choices. I hope you have a good weekend and don't have to worry about this too much.

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