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laundrymom 10:54 AM 11-17-2010
ok, this will be long.....
but I need help before this afternoon.

ok, background , about 3 yrs ago I interviewed and accepted for a boy in my daughters class, We are facing a 17% unemployment rate in our county and money was tight for a long long time. Thankfully things are looking up,. but anyhow,.... this boy comes for awhile, then mom buys a house in our neighborhood,.. we share an alley. We arent 'neighbors', dont socialize, we dont hang out, ever. Ok,... I dont plan on keeping him after this school year,. I really dont have room for him except for the school year and he is almost 11. Too old for Miss Jills.

I get a call sunday afternoon,... she is crying, going on about how she wanted to know if another of our neighbors had called me about something,.. I guess she got in afight with her live in bf and he had her on the ground, choking her, kicking her, etc.... 2 of our neighbors stepped in,.. she got in her car took off,.. etc,.... ok, No,.. Noone called me, I didnt know,. I was watching the football game. Is your son ok? Yes, he wasnt here, he was with someone else,.. blah blah blah,...

ok, so today one of my childcare moms (nurse) comes in,... says she ran into this mom on sunday at zumba, hurt Mom says,.. did Miss Jill call you or tell you what happened? Nurse mom says no,.. then hurt mom starts bawling, askes her to feel her ribs, check her arm, etc,..tells her what happened,..

.. so then nurse mom comes in this morning,... says,.. Jill,.. you are a mandated reporter just like me right??? I said,.. yes. why,??? she says,.. well hurt mom cornered me at zumba and asked if I had talked to you , asks me to check outher ribs, her neck, bruises,... etc,.. I stopped her and said,.. My duty is to Her son,.. he is fine, wasnt there, and hasnt mentioned it. If he does, or ever says anything about any other things, I will report but until then I cant file call because a neighbor told me something happened to her when her son wasnt present, when I wasnt around, and I see no proof of any abuse. She says,.. I understand,... and I agree....

so I am furious with hurt mom,.... How dare she imply to another parent that I would be so unprofessional as to go out and spread gossip about one parent to another?! How dare she point blank ask if I had??? That is underminding (sp?) any professionalism I have earned from the clients I serve. I am absolutely furious. I have bent over backwards to help this single mom, Ive stayed late, opened early, kept him on to help her out although he is older than any other enrolled child by 7 years. I am completely desiring a confrontation at pickup this afternoon. I am so wanting to rip into her unprofessional behavior. It was unwarranted, and uncalled for. I have never, nor do I see me ever gossip about families. I have a confidentiality code and polidy. I may say,.. day friend,.. or day mom,.. generally but I have never openly talked with one parent about another. Im absolutely giddy about confronting her. I have every right to kick her out. I have every right to terminate on the spot and not look back. But this boy has been with me thru his parents divorce, his moms 4 boyfriends, his moms behaviors,.. I am the only constant in his life. I truly love him. And it is that devotion that will save her from being tossed tonight. Unless she says something wrong. So,.. help me guide me give me words ideas, and backbone. Im going to tell her everything she has ever done to make me angry from being hateful to me and her son until she saw my husbands friend in the garage,.. then instant smiles!!! to how she talks to her son in front of my daughter at the school and in front of my home in the mornings.
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MyAngels 11:10 AM 11-17-2010
I can see how you would be hopping mad, I'm sure I would be too, under the circumstances. A couple of things you might consider in deciding whether you will confront this woman or not, and if you do, what will be said:

1. Would it put the dcm who is a nurse in a difficult position, since the unstable one would realize she spoke to you?

2. Would there be any backlash to the unstable one's son? (I don't know, obviously, I'm just wondering).

3. Could this trigger an "I'll get even with her" response from the unstable one? Would you be prepared if it did? (Personally, I'd say bring it on, but that's just me)

The only other thing I would consider doing is writing everything down that you'd like to say and then editing it, that way you'll be sure to get your points across and come across as calm, cool, and professional.

Best of luck.
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laundrymom 11:21 AM 11-17-2010
1,... true,.. I wont mention names, but well,.. ugh,... ok, how about if I say,.... ok, Ive got something on my mind and here it is. I really try to bea professional and curteous provider. I try to ensure that everyones privacy is observed, and I respect all families in care,... but I guess you dont think so because Ive been approached by a parent asking me what the heck is going on. That you saw someone out and asked if I had talked to them. I do NOT share personal enformation with other families. period. I feel it is disrespectful for you to question that. and go on with after everything I do for you this is how you think I am?

dont know about 2, and 3 my dh wants me to use my ipods voice recorder setting to record convo.
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misol 11:26 AM 11-17-2010
I would be upset too but I probably wouldn't say anything because that would put nurse mom in a bad position because she repeated it. Since you love dcb, I would just keep him until the end of the school year like you originally planned. Unless, of course, something else happens.

I wonder why she is telling everybody? Is she looking for sympathy? Is this a cry for help? Weird to me because the women that I've encountered in these situations are usually very secretive and quiet about it.
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nikia 11:38 AM 11-17-2010
I would be upset too, but like someone else said I probably wouldnt say anything, only because I think IMO that she needed a way to start the conversation out with the nurse to get sympathy and since she knows they both attend your daycare that was the way to do it. She probably didnt even think about how a provider would take offense to that, since from everything else in your post she seems to not be a very kind, considerate person.
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QualiTcare 11:38 AM 11-17-2010
Originally Posted by misol:
I would be upset too but I probably wouldn't say anything because that would put nurse mom in a bad position because she repeated it. Since you love dcb, I would just keep him until the end of the school year like you originally planned. Unless, of course, something else happens.

I wonder why she is telling everybody? Is she looking for sympathy? Is this a cry for help? Weird to me because the women that I've encountered in these situations are usually very secretive and quiet about it.
my thoughts exactly.

i don't think the mom will get the point if she's confronted with it. she obviously WANTS people to know, wouldn't have cared if you HAD said something to nurse mom, and must feel there is more of a connection than just professional (with you and nurse mom) if she thought it was something you'd be chatting about. it's not like she was asking because she'd be offended if you had said something and she was trying to snoop. if a parent had approached another parent and said, "hey did jill mention anything to you about how much i pay her? i heard she said something. i was just wondering if she said something to you, etc." that's different and would be a parent questioning your professionalism. to me, this mom is like a kid saying, "hey, do you know what i got for christmas!" knowing that they don't, but they want to tell. she wants everyone to know and it would be awkward if she just walked up and said, "hey, my bf beat the hell out of me, did you hear?" it was easier to open up with, "did jill tell you what happened?" so nurse mom could say, "no, what?"

i think it's odd that she wants to tell everyone, but i wouldn't say anything about her questioning your professionalism bc i think that's above her train of thought.
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SimpleMom 11:40 AM 11-17-2010
If you feel the need to vent your feelings to her, then I would try really hard to keep the directives at "I feel"... than "you did"... ( not to go Psychology on you, but it does buffer it a bit) if you want to keep the dcb.
It may come off more professional on your part and prevent backlash on her part??

It's a tough spot to be in.
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Lilbutterflie 11:48 AM 11-17-2010
I would be upset too. I hate getting in the middle of drama like that.
Playing devil's advocate here: a possible reason she said to nurse mom "Did she call you and tell you what happened" was just a way of initiating the conversation so that she could talk about it. I am NOT saying that it makes it okay, don't get me wrong. But when you really want to tell somebody something, and you both know someone in common, sometimes you just say "did so-and-so tell you?" as a way to initiate the conversation.
I'm not a confrontational person to begin with, so I probably would just try to let it go. However, if this is your last straw with DCM, as it sounds like it is, then go for it. But I think it was just a phrase she was using to initiate the conversation b/c she wanted to tell this mom for whatever reason. I do think it's interesting that she'd want to tell this mom about it. As PP said, usually battered women will try to hide it.
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MyAngels 12:02 PM 11-17-2010
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
dont know about 2, and 3 my dh wants me to use my ipods voice recorder setting to record convo.
Check your state laws if you decide to do this. It's illegal in Illinois (where I am) to record a conversation without prior consent of both parties.
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Unregistered 12:17 PM 11-17-2010
I don't think she believes, or even meant to imply, that you are unprofessional and spreading gossip...I think that "Did Miss Jill call you?" was her way in to tell the tale. Please don't take it personally, I really don't think her comment had anything to do with your professionalism.

She needs some help, and no, in my opinion you weren't mandated in that situation.

If you don't feel uncomfortable, giving her the number to a crisis hotline in your area may be a great help to her.

3kidsmom
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laundrymom 02:10 PM 11-17-2010
all of your advice has made me calm down,... He is still here, if SHE brings it up I will talk to her,... and air some serious issues. If not I will let it fester..... ugh.. sometimes I just want to be,.. well.... like everyone else! and speak my m ind when I want to.

Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I don't think she believes, or even meant to imply, that you are unprofessional and spreading gossip...I think that "Did Miss Jill call you?" was her way in to tell the tale. Please don't take it personally, I really don't think her comment had anything to do with your professionalism.

She needs some help, and no, in my opinion you weren't mandated in that situation.

If you don't feel uncomfortable, giving her the number to a crisis hotline in your area may be a great help to her.

3kidsmom

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nikia 02:14 PM 11-17-2010
Good luck Laundrymom. Let us know how it goes. And I agree speaking my mind would be great some days lol
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Tags:bad parent, gossipping parents, vent
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