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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Hard Drop Offs
MsLaura529 10:53 AM 10-18-2013
Ok, sorry this is probably going to get long because I'm super frustrated about it, and that's when I tend to ramble, like I'm already doing ...
DCG (2.5) has been coming here for about 2 months. Switching from a previous provider who shut down, and apparently this previous provider was a perfect saint according to DCM. Just this last week, DCG has started having a hard time at drop offs - being very clingy to her mom, and crying for anywhere from 1 -20 minutes. Normal for her age. Nothing extreme. This little girl is spoiled though ... and knows she can totally control DCM (HAD to come in with lip gloss in her hand one morning because mom wouldn't take it away from her because DCG gave her a look ...
). So we've been dealing with it. She has also had a cold all week, which doesn't help, and DCM is actually home all week because they are getting their floors redone, or something like that. DCM is one to say, "I'm going to miss you so much" over and over and over again while walking out the door. Or tells her "I'll be right back. I just have to go do something real quick. I'll be back in a minute" ... I have just started taking her out of DCM's arms, I say "say bye momma" and we walk away.
This morning, DCG is dropped off, cries for about 5 minutes, I have her sitting at the table for breakfast when DCM knocks on the door. I go over and she says "I forgot to give you the check" ... I tell her she can bring it back with her later, that DCG is doing fine now ... she says she doesn't know who is picking DCG up today so she comes in and then DCG sees her and throws a MAJOR fit. So DCM walks over to her at the table, picks her up and starts telling her how much she's going to miss her.
THen she leaves. So DCG is throwing herself on the floor, pushing me away when I try to pick her up, crying and screaming so hard she is nearly puking.
I texted DCM and told her what was happening, and she said "I tried to just come in but the door was locked" (It was not) "Previous DCP always had to have her door unlocked because of state regulations so that parents could drop things off if they forgot things", and "I hope you can be compassionate and understanding about DCG being upset. It breaks my heart when she's crying like that" and "I don't know what has happened to make her not want to come to your house anymore" ...
I just feel lost, like I'm not going to get through to her that separation anxiety is normal, we need to keep drops off short and sweet, etc, like I have told her EVERY DAY. Am I doing something wrong? I feel like she doesn't see me as being "compassionate" because I don't stand there and hug and cry with her daughter as she's having a tantrum ...
DCG (2.5) has been coming here for about 2 months. Switching from a previous provider who shut down, and apparently this previous provider was a perfect saint according to DCM. Just this last week, DCG has started having a hard time at drop offs - being very clingy to her mom, and crying for anywhere from 1 -20 minutes. Normal for her age. Nothing extreme. This little girl is spoiled though ... and knows she can totally control DCM (HAD to come in with lip gloss in her hand one morning because mom wouldn't take it away from her because DCG gave her a look ...
). So we've been dealing with it. She has also had a cold all week, which doesn't help, and DCM is actually home all week because they are getting their floors redone, or something like that. DCM is one to say, "I'm going to miss you so much" over and over and over again while walking out the door. Or tells her "I'll be right back. I just have to go do something real quick. I'll be back in a minute" ... I have just started taking her out of DCM's arms, I say "say bye momma" and we walk away.This morning, DCG is dropped off, cries for about 5 minutes, I have her sitting at the table for breakfast when DCM knocks on the door. I go over and she says "I forgot to give you the check" ... I tell her she can bring it back with her later, that DCG is doing fine now ... she says she doesn't know who is picking DCG up today so she comes in and then DCG sees her and throws a MAJOR fit. So DCM walks over to her at the table, picks her up and starts telling her how much she's going to miss her.
THen she leaves. So DCG is throwing herself on the floor, pushing me away when I try to pick her up, crying and screaming so hard she is nearly puking.I texted DCM and told her what was happening, and she said "I tried to just come in but the door was locked" (It was not) "Previous DCP always had to have her door unlocked because of state regulations so that parents could drop things off if they forgot things", and "I hope you can be compassionate and understanding about DCG being upset. It breaks my heart when she's crying like that" and "I don't know what has happened to make her not want to come to your house anymore" ...
I just feel lost, like I'm not going to get through to her that separation anxiety is normal, we need to keep drops off short and sweet, etc, like I have told her EVERY DAY. Am I doing something wrong? I feel like she doesn't see me as being "compassionate" because I don't stand there and hug and cry with her daughter as she's having a tantrum ...
TwinKristi 11:09 AM 10-18-2013
I would let her know that separation anxiety is VERY common and having a major change like she has and then a cold on top of it seems to be making it worse. Also explain that she is perfectly happy all day after she gets over the initial separation but today her coming back flipped a switch for her DD. Also explain that state law does NOT mean you have to leave your door unlocked for parents to come and go as they please. They will never be denied entry when their child is in your care but you appreciate a knock at the door. I'm not sure how the entry to your home is set up, but maybe you can leave a little plastic folder (like this maybe? Post-It ) out there with envelopes and a pocket folder for cases like this. I'm not sure how often that happens that you would NEED this but who knows. Then maybe she can shoot you a text or leave a message that she left the check for you rather than that fiasco.
I have a 2yr old who's been here for 8mos who sometimes cries at drop-off time. His mom knows its just a little show for her. LOL Also, an 11mo old I had for about 6wks did that when his mom left, she texted me once about 20 mins later asking if he was ok. I was kinda because obviously if he wasn't ok after twenty mins I would have let her know. I told her he stops fussing very quickly, probably before she gets to her car. LOL I think sometimes parents get a kick out of feeling needed/wanted by their child. I would also recommend that she make drop off quick and not draw it out with extra conversation. A quick hug and kiss is perfectly acceptable but showing she's confident when she leaves will help her child feel confident about her leaving. Her anxiety will rub off on her DD and make it even harder.
I have a 2yr old who's been here for 8mos who sometimes cries at drop-off time. His mom knows its just a little show for her. LOL Also, an 11mo old I had for about 6wks did that when his mom left, she texted me once about 20 mins later asking if he was ok. I was kinda
because obviously if he wasn't ok after twenty mins I would have let her know. I told her he stops fussing very quickly, probably before she gets to her car. LOL I think sometimes parents get a kick out of feeling needed/wanted by their child. I would also recommend that she make drop off quick and not draw it out with extra conversation. A quick hug and kiss is perfectly acceptable but showing she's confident when she leaves will help her child feel confident about her leaving. Her anxiety will rub off on her DD and make it even harder.
melilley 11:11 AM 10-18-2013
You are NOT doing anything wrong! And no matter how many times you can tell a parent that their child is fine after a while, some will never believe it. And it's her fault for dragging out the goodbye's and coming back after she leaves. But of course she will probably not see it that way and will think that her daughter doesn't like it there.
I would just keep doing what you do. Take her, have her say goodbye to mom and walk away.
I had a dcb who did that everyday for almost 2 months. He would throw himself, cry, scream, etc.. Of course he would be fine before his parents even got out of the driveway, but they would text everyday after leaving to see if he was ok, and everyday the answer was the same-"he stopped before you were out of the driveway". His parents would just lay him down and leave, which was good though.
Kids (especially at 2.5) know what they are doing and will milk it as long as the parent(s) give in to it. It's just hard to convince the parent(s) of that sometimes. Sometimes this is where a video camera would come in handy, so they can see how their child really is after they calm down and the parent(s) leave.
I would just keep doing what you do. Take her, have her say goodbye to mom and walk away.
I had a dcb who did that everyday for almost 2 months. He would throw himself, cry, scream, etc.. Of course he would be fine before his parents even got out of the driveway, but they would text everyday after leaving to see if he was ok, and everyday the answer was the same-"he stopped before you were out of the driveway". His parents would just lay him down and leave, which was good though.
Kids (especially at 2.5) know what they are doing and will milk it as long as the parent(s) give in to it. It's just hard to convince the parent(s) of that sometimes. Sometimes this is where a video camera would come in handy, so they can see how their child really is after they calm down and the parent(s) leave.
melilley 11:14 AM 10-18-2013
Originally Posted by TwinKristi:
I would also recommend that she make drop off quick and not draw it out with extra conversation. A quick hug and kiss is perfectly acceptable but showing she's confident when she leaves will help her child feel confident about her leaving. Her anxiety will rub off on her DD and make it even harder.
I would also recommend that she make drop off quick and not draw it out with extra conversation. A quick hug and kiss is perfectly acceptable but showing she's confident when she leaves will help her child feel confident about her leaving. Her anxiety will rub off on her DD and make it even harder.
I actually have a part in my handbook that tells parents to please limit drop off times.
Shell 11:16 AM 10-18-2013
That is obnoxious! Dcm is making things so much harder on you and dcg. I would have a chat with her, mentioning the things you mentioned (new provider, she has a cold) and let her know this is all normal stuff and she shouldn't worry. Let her know that things at your daycare may be different than with the other provider, but that you have a system for things that works for you and all the other enrolled families. Be prepared that you may not live up to the "saint" in her eyes, and dcm may never be happy!
CedarCreek 11:20 AM 10-18-2013
Sounds like its time for nannyde's Bye Bye outside technique. It works every time with my littles who throw fits at drop off.
TwinKristi 11:24 AM 10-18-2013
Originally Posted by melilley:
Kids (especially at 2.5) know what they are doing and will milk it as long as the parent(s) give in to it. It's just hard to convince the parent(s) of that sometimes.
Kids (especially at 2.5) know what they are doing and will milk it as long as the parent(s) give in to it. It's just hard to convince the parent(s) of that sometimes.
Exactly!! They see mom gets upset and stays longer, it's rewarding the behavior by DCM staying after the tantrum starts. She knows she can keep mom there of get extra attention by doing that. It's so hard for parents to learn that, especially those who have limited time with their children and don't want that time to be spent battling a strong-willed child hence spoiled children! LOL I have 2 who are spoiled rotten and naughty sometimes and I KNOW it's because mom is a pushover and dad is kinda checked out at night. They didn't usually come on Wednesdays but have been drop-in on that day off and on since June but I can ALWAYS tell a difference in behavior on Thursday after being gone midweek. It's weird. Mondays aren't as bad, but the Thursdays after being with Grammie, mom or auntie always seem harder. Nap time is always a fight, more "No!" and whining.
daycare 11:30 AM 10-18-2013
ugh this is one of my biggest pet peevs..
its like ripping off a bandaid. rip it off quickly, its painless......rip it off slowly, its painful.
I would tell dcm that this is normal, shes in a new place and she is adjusting. Don't fogret to mention that separation anxiety is normal at this age.
I would start taking a pic of DCK right after she stops crying and send it with your phone to mom.
I have one mom who has been with me for 2 years, just started her other child with me about 6 months ago. she feels she needs to stay and hang out with the child, which disrupts our morning and only upsets the child more. I finally get to the point where I have asked dcm not to go into the childcare room to drop off, do it at the door. I tell her when you stay it makes it harder for her, I then take a pic once that door closes dck stops crying.....
its like ripping off a bandaid. rip it off quickly, its painless......rip it off slowly, its painful.
I would tell dcm that this is normal, shes in a new place and she is adjusting. Don't fogret to mention that separation anxiety is normal at this age.
I would start taking a pic of DCK right after she stops crying and send it with your phone to mom.
I have one mom who has been with me for 2 years, just started her other child with me about 6 months ago. she feels she needs to stay and hang out with the child, which disrupts our morning and only upsets the child more. I finally get to the point where I have asked dcm not to go into the childcare room to drop off, do it at the door. I tell her when you stay it makes it harder for her, I then take a pic once that door closes dck stops crying.....
MsLaura529 11:39 AM 10-18-2013
Thank you all for the reassurance 
I have taken pictures once she is playing and send them to her, we have talked about separation anxiety and how common it is (I have told her about my own DD's separation issues she went through last year), I just feel like she is just waiting for something I say or do to use it against me ... not a good feeling.
Ugh, T.G.I.F.
I have taken pictures once she is playing and send them to her, we have talked about separation anxiety and how common it is (I have told her about my own DD's separation issues she went through last year), I just feel like she is just waiting for something I say or do to use it against me ... not a good feeling.
Ugh, T.G.I.F.
daycare 11:52 AM 10-18-2013
Originally Posted by MsLaura529:
Thank you all for the reassurance
I have taken pictures once she is playing and send them to her, we have talked about separation anxiety and how common it is (I have told her about my own DD's separation issues she went through last year), I just feel like she is just waiting for something I say or do to use it against me ... not a good feeling.
Ugh, T.G.I.F.
i know that I can be sensitive at time too. Try not to take it personal. it will take time for her to adjust. you know that.Thank you all for the reassurance
I have taken pictures once she is playing and send them to her, we have talked about separation anxiety and how common it is (I have told her about my own DD's separation issues she went through last year), I just feel like she is just waiting for something I say or do to use it against me ... not a good feeling.
Ugh, T.G.I.F.
be proud of yourself, you sound like an amazing provider and this family is very lucky to have you. They may not realize it yet because they are still getting to know you, but they will........
TGIF
Josiegirl 04:29 PM 10-18-2013
I probably would've done the same darn thing when my kids were little. 
I would've been THE most obnoxious dcparent anywhere! But as a dcprovider I hate it. I still have a couple SAs that come sometimes and they can throw the biggest fits about their mom leaving...it's really quite pathetic. The youngest is 5 and she's been here 4 years. Her older dd(6) had a huge meltdown when her mom dropped her off the other day but when her mom came to pick them up, she took forever to leave. 
I've even told dcm her kids know how to push her buttons. She knows. They've got her totally wrapped around their little fingers. She's allowed it all these years. Hell, they even get carried back and forth to the car and dcm carries all their stuff too. Nicest mom you could ever meet. But so enabling.
Maybe you should use daycare's band-aid analogy? Maybe she'd see it differently?
I would've been THE most obnoxious dcparent anywhere! But as a dcprovider I hate it. I still have a couple SAs that come sometimes and they can throw the biggest fits about their mom leaving...it's really quite pathetic. The youngest is 5 and she's been here 4 years. Her older dd(6) had a huge meltdown when her mom dropped her off the other day but when her mom came to pick them up, she took forever to leave. I've even told dcm her kids know how to push her buttons. She knows. They've got her totally wrapped around their little fingers. She's allowed it all these years. Hell, they even get carried back and forth to the car and dcm carries all their stuff too. Nicest mom you could ever meet. But so enabling. Maybe you should use daycare's band-aid analogy? Maybe she'd see it differently?
Unregistered 08:20 PM 10-18-2013
Do you know who her previous provider was? Was there actually a previous provider? Why did this provider close down? I'm not trying to be cynical, but I have been in this EXACT same situation... and I would not be surprised one bit if she is bringing DCG to you because your rates are a little lower (because you are new to the game), your policies give her a little more freedom to potentially walk all over you, or because DCG was actually having behavior issues at the previous provider's and either was termed or DCM did not like having to follow the rules so much.
I am sorry, but even if the none of the above are true, this DCM is playing you. She gave it away when she said that she didn't know what must have happened at your house to make her act this way--you said she is home for the week... would you continue to bring your child to someone's house, whom you do not fully trust, when you are not even working that week?! Why pretend to be so concerned about your child at all?? She is doing it for show. Add that to the fact that she lied about the door being locked. Which could have been true if one of the kids were playing with the door knob or one of the other dcp's accidentally locked it on their way out but still wouldn't she have brought that up immediately when she brought your check? Instead of waiting until you texted her??
You need to be firm with this mom, make it clear that nothing is happening at your day care that is causing her daughter's behavior. DO NOT let DCM's behavior make you feel insecure about yourself or the care you provide... there is something else going on. You do sound like a great provider. If you want to stay in this business do not feel like this is your fault. Let her leave your day care if she wants to, you will be better off. I have only been open since last year and I dealt with so much of this in the beginning from one DCF that even though the issues have mostly been resolved since I gained more confidence, I already feel burned out and I am considering closing at the end of the year.
I am sorry, but even if the none of the above are true, this DCM is playing you. She gave it away when she said that she didn't know what must have happened at your house to make her act this way--you said she is home for the week... would you continue to bring your child to someone's house, whom you do not fully trust, when you are not even working that week?! Why pretend to be so concerned about your child at all?? She is doing it for show. Add that to the fact that she lied about the door being locked. Which could have been true if one of the kids were playing with the door knob or one of the other dcp's accidentally locked it on their way out but still wouldn't she have brought that up immediately when she brought your check? Instead of waiting until you texted her??
You need to be firm with this mom, make it clear that nothing is happening at your day care that is causing her daughter's behavior. DO NOT let DCM's behavior make you feel insecure about yourself or the care you provide... there is something else going on. You do sound like a great provider. If you want to stay in this business do not feel like this is your fault. Let her leave your day care if she wants to, you will be better off. I have only been open since last year and I dealt with so much of this in the beginning from one DCF that even though the issues have mostly been resolved since I gained more confidence, I already feel burned out and I am considering closing at the end of the year.
Unregistered 08:30 PM 10-18-2013
sorry, I was the pp and I just re-read your post and DCM did not say that something happened at your house, but she did say that she did not know what must have happened that she doesn't want to come to your house anymore... same difference. She is saying this to make you feel like you are the problem. Could you imagine saying something like that to someone? Someone who you still intended to leave your child with every day?
nannyde 05:21 AM 10-19-2013
Originally Posted by CedarCreek:
Sounds like its time for nannyde's Bye Bye outside technique. It works every time with my littles who throw fits at drop off.
YupSounds like its time for nannyde's Bye Bye outside technique. It works every time with my littles who throw fits at drop off.
Mom needs it. She seems to have PASS: “Parental Attention Seeking Syndrome"
Familycare71 07:01 AM 10-19-2013
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Yup
Mom needs it. She seems to have PASS: “Parental Attention Seeking Syndrome"
Love this!!! Yup
Mom needs it. She seems to have PASS: “Parental Attention Seeking Syndrome"
MsLaura529 09:20 AM 10-19-2013
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Yup
Mom needs it. She seems to have PASS: “Parental Attention Seeking Syndrome"
Definitely her. I might just have to put my foot down and try it ...Yup
Mom needs it. She seems to have PASS: “Parental Attention Seeking Syndrome"
As far as her previous daycare closing, I know that one is not a lie because I received 5 calls from that previous providers' group all on the same day when they found out she was closing. And I talked to that previous provider (another weird story from this same mom), and she offered me some of her daycare stuff, things that I didn't need at the time .... so I can at least give her honesty in that department
I'm over it now ... not going to take anything personally from her anymore. I have other DC parents who appreciate me (and was actually told how much I was appreciated last night), so I will just be happy with them.
sleepinghart 11:04 AM 10-22-2013
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Do you know who her previous provider was? Was there actually a previous provider? Why did this provider close down? I'm not trying to be cynical, but I have been in this EXACT same situation... and I would not be surprised one bit if she is bringing DCG to you because your rates are a little lower (because you are new to the game), your policies give her a little more freedom to potentially walk all over you, or because DCG was actually having behavior issues at the previous provider's and either was termed or DCM did not like having to follow the rules so much.
I am sorry, but even if the none of the above are true, this DCM is playing you. She gave it away when she said that she didn't know what must have happened at your house to make her act this way--you said she is home for the week... would you continue to bring your child to someone's house, whom you do not fully trust, when you are not even working that week?! Why pretend to be so concerned about your child at all?? She is doing it for show. Add that to the fact that she lied about the door being locked. Which could have been true if one of the kids were playing with the door knob or one of the other dcp's accidentally locked it on their way out but still wouldn't she have brought that up immediately when she brought your check? Instead of waiting until you texted her??
You need to be firm with this mom, make it clear that nothing is happening at your day care that is causing her daughter's behavior. DO NOT let DCM's behavior make you feel insecure about yourself or the care you provide... there is something else going on. You do sound like a great provider. If you want to stay in this business do not feel like this is your fault. Let her leave your day care if she wants to, you will be better off. I have only been open since last year and I dealt with so much of this in the beginning from one DCF that even though the issues have mostly been resolved since I gained more confidence, I already feel burned out and I am considering closing at the end of the year.
Do you know who her previous provider was? Was there actually a previous provider? Why did this provider close down? I'm not trying to be cynical, but I have been in this EXACT same situation... and I would not be surprised one bit if she is bringing DCG to you because your rates are a little lower (because you are new to the game), your policies give her a little more freedom to potentially walk all over you, or because DCG was actually having behavior issues at the previous provider's and either was termed or DCM did not like having to follow the rules so much.
I am sorry, but even if the none of the above are true, this DCM is playing you. She gave it away when she said that she didn't know what must have happened at your house to make her act this way--you said she is home for the week... would you continue to bring your child to someone's house, whom you do not fully trust, when you are not even working that week?! Why pretend to be so concerned about your child at all?? She is doing it for show. Add that to the fact that she lied about the door being locked. Which could have been true if one of the kids were playing with the door knob or one of the other dcp's accidentally locked it on their way out but still wouldn't she have brought that up immediately when she brought your check? Instead of waiting until you texted her??
You need to be firm with this mom, make it clear that nothing is happening at your day care that is causing her daughter's behavior. DO NOT let DCM's behavior make you feel insecure about yourself or the care you provide... there is something else going on. You do sound like a great provider. If you want to stay in this business do not feel like this is your fault. Let her leave your day care if she wants to, you will be better off. I have only been open since last year and I dealt with so much of this in the beginning from one DCF that even though the issues have mostly been resolved since I gained more confidence, I already feel burned out and I am considering closing at the end of the year.
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
sorry, I was the pp and I just re-read your post and DCM did not say that something happened at your house, but she did say that she did not know what must have happened that she doesn't want to come to your house anymore... same difference. She is saying this to make you feel like you are the problem. Could you imagine saying something like that to someone? Someone who you still intended to leave your child with every day?
sorry, I was the pp and I just re-read your post and DCM did not say that something happened at your house, but she did say that she did not know what must have happened that she doesn't want to come to your house anymore... same difference. She is saying this to make you feel like you are the problem. Could you imagine saying something like that to someone? Someone who you still intended to leave your child with every day?
clep 12:11 PM 10-22-2013
Originally Posted by daycare:
ugh this is one of my biggest pet peevs..
its like ripping off a bandaid. rip it off quickly, its painless......rip it off slowly, its painful.
I would tell dcm that this is normal, shes in a new place and she is adjusting. Don't fogret to mention that separation anxiety is normal at this age.
I would start taking a pic of DCK right after she stops crying and send it with your phone to mom.
I have one mom who has been with me for 2 years, just started her other child with me about 6 months ago. she feels she needs to stay and hang out with the child, which disrupts our morning and only upsets the child more. I finally get to the point where I have asked dcm not to go into the childcare room to drop off, do it at the door. I tell her when you stay it makes it harder for her, I then take a pic once that door closes dck stops crying.....
Exactly. I always explain that to my parents during the interview process and let them know in the beginning to give a kiss, hug and leave.....quick like a bandaid. I have my childcare area gated off and parents can't go over the gate until into the dayhome room until the child has not cried for at least two weeks at drop off.ugh this is one of my biggest pet peevs..
its like ripping off a bandaid. rip it off quickly, its painless......rip it off slowly, its painful.
I would tell dcm that this is normal, shes in a new place and she is adjusting. Don't fogret to mention that separation anxiety is normal at this age.
I would start taking a pic of DCK right after she stops crying and send it with your phone to mom.
I have one mom who has been with me for 2 years, just started her other child with me about 6 months ago. she feels she needs to stay and hang out with the child, which disrupts our morning and only upsets the child more. I finally get to the point where I have asked dcm not to go into the childcare room to drop off, do it at the door. I tell her when you stay it makes it harder for her, I then take a pic once that door closes dck stops crying.....